To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

Well done OP 👏👏👏 and OP's DH.

I was initially critical of your approach but subsequent posts explained more clearly.

I'm sorry for the children here - SIL doesn't seem able to parent at the moment, unfortunately, and your DB is beyond selfish.

It must be very hard for you to see that. ❤️ to you.

@diddl

Are some people just taking the piss now & pretending not to have read Op's posts?

I swear, I think that's it. There cannot still be anyone on MN who does not know this full story??????

I'm glad you guys are all good OP! Please don't think I was criticising you re your husband, all I felt emanating from your posts was that he was concerned for you.

I'm glad you went out and all is good in your hood! You sound like a great, and very strong, team.

Did SIL go out too? Just wondering if she didn’t was this DB using drink as a coping mechanism?

I do think they need an “ intervention” of sorts. If help in terms of a schedule (ie Monday - load of washing kids change their bedding and do the dishes, tues - hoover and mop kids dust) I’d help organise themselves, it could be hard if she really is struggling with depression, it’ll take its toll on your brother, but if the drinking and wasting time is on brand for him (and it could be, given he doesn’t help with your dad) then I’d tell him there’s a difference between struggling and “cantbearseditis”

This is not down to the OP to sort out! If he's struggling rather than can't be arsed, then he can fucking stop getting pissed and pay for a cleaner! Or start training his children in picking up after themselves!

I know in my initial post I suggested the OP could maybe help them out in terms of telling them what needs doing and how to do it - she's now DONE this (perforce because her brother is a fucking layabout) so she doesn't need to do it again - HE needs to step up and take some responsibility, like a fucking ADULT!

"maybe help them out in terms of telling them what needs doing and how to do it"

Why wouldn't he know though?

How can anyone get to adulthood & not know such a basic thing?

Next time, as well as helping your brother have 24 hours child free and then cleaning his house (as well as your dad's) i think you should pay for the alcohol for him to get pissed with. Just strap your baby to your back while you do the cleaning.

This thread is a prime example of the insidious effect of misogynistic voices on a thread. Even though more people were telling OP that there is no onus on her to clean for her brother, she did because of the sexist minority.

@diddl

"maybe help them out in terms of telling them what needs doing and how to do it"

Why wouldn't he know though?

How can anyone get to adulthood & not know such a basic thing?

It's a really good question, diddl - but fuck knows there seem to be an awful lot of "poor men" out there who are in this position of not knowing how to do basic adulting!

And somewhere down the line they seem to have forgotten to instruct the kids in basics like "you drop it, you pick it up".

"maybe help them out in terms of telling them what needs doing and how to do it"

If OP is feeling generous and her brother is totally clueless, she could send him these screenshots from the organised mum method for her "clutter buster" and "messy house bootcamp" to her brother. He could get the kids involved in the week or do it bit by bit on his child free Saturday evenings. Then he can keep on top of it by doing a little bit each day.

www.theorganisedmum.blog/free-printables/

@Howlooseisyourgoose

This thread is a prime example of the insidious effect of misogynistic voices on a thread. Even though more people were telling OP that there is no onus on her to clean for her brother, she did because of the sexist minority.

That's what I was just thinking when I read the last update.

Oh dear
Putting aside all the sexist handmaiden stuff
OP must find it very distressing to have her family in such a grave pickle

Very sad , and especially for the kids

A heavy burden in addition to a sick parent

Surely if you offer help it is because you know they are struggling and you want to actually help. I don't think it's up,to the offerer to decide what help they need but rather the struggling party who knows what would make the biggest difference to them and their situation. I think offering help on your (rather narrow) terms is possibly far less helpful.

@ChildOfTheNineties

Surely if you offer help it is because you know they are struggling and you want to actually help. I don't think it's up,to the offerer to decide what help they need but rather the struggling party who knows what would make the biggest difference to them and their situation. I think offering help on your (rather narrow) terms is possibly far less helpful.

"Far less helpful" no, actually, there are those of us who would bite the hand off someone who offered a day's childcare so we could sort our own house out, or run errands.

I would really hate for someone to read comments like this and not offer the help they are able to give because they don't feel it's enough.

Honestly, YABU. Not because you don't want to clean his house but because you offered to help when you don't want to help. You explicitly asked him if there was anything you could do to help and when he said there was, you decided you couldn't be bothered

Sorry OP, but I agree with the above.

@80sMum did you even bother to read OP’s posts?

@Howlooseisyourgoose

This thread is a prime example of the insidious effect of misogynistic voices on a thread. Even though more people were telling OP that there is no onus on her to clean for her brother, she did because of the sexist minority.

Yes it is.

51Howlooseisyourgoose I read the original post, in which the poster stated that she had offered to help. If there was some other agenda, why was it not stated in the original post?

@80sMum

51Howlooseisyourgoose I read the original post, in which the poster stated that she had offered to help. If there was some other agenda, why was it not stated in the original post?

In a thread that’s over 35 pages long a good idea is to read it beyond the opening post.

You prob should of said let me know it i cam have the kids to help out or if you want a chat as thats what you meant
By saying let me know if you want anything done you have opened it up to anything
In my worse place of depression my mum came and helped me clean the house and after an op , friends offered to come round and run hoover round etc , so some people don't mind helping with cleaning
Agree you should say how about I have kids for few hrs whilst you have a clean up

I would really hate for someone to read comments like this and not offer the help they are able to give because they don't feel it's enough
Exactly.
I think most people see an offer of help as help with the DC, batch cooking, some shopping etc not scrubbing the loo.
It is a pity it has to be spelt out for some they might pick you up wrong idea and compile a list of chores.
I'll choose my words wisely based on this thread when offering help.

Also to those saying read it all in app on phone doesn't seem to give you choice to read all op's post

On my app the ops posts are in another colour so it's easy to see

I would offer to go over on saturday when the kids arent there and clean it together.