To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

If it were me and I had offered I would absolutely go clean their house. It’s what he has identified as help. Whether he sees it as ‘women’s work’ or whatever. They need help and you offered.
I would do it once.
Then I’d sit down with brother and suggest things along the lines of hasa above.

I totally get why you said no and are feeling bad about it, I agree with a pp that you should maybe offer to help him do it. If SIL usually does it it will seem overwhelming for him, but if you offer maybe a couple of hours to help do it together. Make absolutely clear, it is a joint thing, if he thinks you’re coming over and he doesn’t have to do so much as pick up a bog brush you will feel resentful.

You did offer to help, so I think a flat no is pretty unreasonable tbh. I would probably adapt his suggestion to be something manageable, e.g. I wouldn't be very efficient as I don't know where everything is/goes at your house, but I can take the kids for x time to give you space to get the big parts done. OR I have an hour while the kids will be at grandparents' house so will come and do the kitchen while you work on the rest.

You can make what he asked for into a reasonable thing while still giving the help that you did offer to give. You can also clearly set the expectation that he be the one to do most or all of the actual cleaning, and that this is a one-off.

They can clean their own dirt every Saturday night when they’ve no kids.

I would help my brother and his family by cleaning their home in a heartbeat if I knew they needed it.
There is nothing shameful about cleaning.

YANBU. I don’t think asking somebody to clean your house is a reasonable request. Cleaning is such drudge work even in your own house, let alone somebody else’s. I think a reasonable request would have been to look after children, provide a listening ear or give lifts etc. I personally feel having to go round and clean up all the mess for a house of 5 people is just too much. It would be more reasonable for you to look after the children while he does the cleaning.

If I’d offered ‘anything’ I would want to follow through but not make the cleaning a regular thing. Why dont you help but make him more of an active part of it. Like ‘sure, if we pop the kids in front of screens for a couple of hours I’m sure you and me can get the house back in shape. The older kids can do their room(s)’

I think YABU.

Only because you’ve said you offered “if there’s anything I can do to help”. You clearly didn’t mean that, as you only want to do certain things you think would help, so I’d suggest you are more specific next time.

I do think it’s a bit cheeky in terms of asking though, not sure I’d be able to unless I was physically incapable of cleaning when the kids were out/in bed, but if this situation has been going on a while your DB is probably struggling with feeling low/exhausted himself. He prob spends his Sat night off looking after his wife.

You asked if there was anything you could do and then refused when he came up with something. Just because you'd rather look after the kids than clean, thats not what theyve asked you to do.

Assuming it's a one off, could you go over on a Saturday afternoon and get everyone involved?

If you're in the midst of depression or living with someone who has it, getting overwhelmed with the house is normal and you end up just flopping when you don't have the kids, it's emotionally draining.

Having someone blow in, throw laundry in the machine, do the dishes, do a quick tidy and chuck the hoover round will make a world of difference. And you can give them jobs too while you're working. It might get them galvanised.

To be honest, even if you did do it, it would be a bombsite again nit long after.

You offered to help. He asked for help. You don't want to do cleaning. How about go round and help him do a general tidy up, put clothes away, put a wash on? You will have helped and they will feel supported. Cleaning isn't demeaning, it's necessary and they need help. You don't have to, but tell him straight if that's the case.

You did offer to help so I can't blame him for asking.

Who the fuck has a written cleaning schedule. Is this where I've been going wrong all these years?!

I think your brother is really cheeky to ask you to come round and clean the house.

But I voted YABU because if you don’t want to help then don’t act like you are the generous, selfless sister and offer help. You asked if there was “anything you could do”, you apparently gave examples (not sure I believe that) but still they were just examples and he came up with something else.

I have always thought most people don’t mean it when they offer help and you have just confirmed that.

I wonder if that's partly why she's depressed because she works three days a week and does all the childcare and housework.

It's more than enough to offer to have the kids while he does the housework. If the genders were reversed no one would be expecting the brother to go round and do the housework while the sister has a rest and just looks after the kids. Especially if the sister got a night off every week from the kids and could do it then.

You asked if he wanted help lol

@Rose789

I don’t think a cleaner is an option for a financial point of view. *@junkcrumpet* I offered to do the school run or have the kids overnight, and offered emotional support and a listening ear to them.

So nothing that inconveniences you too much then whilst you still get to polish your halo and pretend that you care.

Plus you said “anything” in your OP... 🙄

Yanbu. If sil was a single parent, I would consider it. But she's not. And your db is not ill, so house cleaning falls to him. Working full time as an excuse not to do it is a crock of shit, lots of us, single parents included, work full time and keep a relatively tidy house. Your db is taken advantage of your offer of kindness, and only entitled people would expect that it would mean skivvying for someone that can't be bothered to do it themselves. Offer to take the kids, to let your db get on with it.

To me that means ...

That's not what you said though. If you don't mean it, don't say it.

I would be very disappointed in you for offering "anything you can do to help" and saying it to both of them and then saying no when asked for help.

He may need this as a one-off and then be able to ask the kids to help out and keep things tidy. He now has a house like a bombshell, an ill wife, children and a job and be overwhelmed by it all.

If you are only prepared to do limited things then you shouldn't have offered "anything".

Your post comes across as selfish and critical and envious of your brother and SIL having a night free each week.

At least your brother knows now that you aren't someone he can rely on in hard times and knows to not take any notice of what you say in future.

He's your brother. I'd be telling him that you are not cleaning his house because it's his job, his home, his mess but you will take the kids off his hands while he does it or go round and help him to do it.

He sounds a bit useless. They're not toddlers.

If it was my brother I would tell him that's it's sexist to ask me that when he has a pair of hands himself. He would quite obviously not have asked a male friend that if he offered help.

I said if there’s anything I can do to help or if you need me to do the school run or have the kids.

You did ask, so therefore isn't an unreasonable request.

I agree with other suggestions- offer to take the kids for an afternoon to give him and his wife time to clean.

Have read some but not entire thread so ignore if this has already been suggested - perhaps you could suggest arranging a time when you could go round when they are all at home and help them all with the cleaning - allocate tasks to the kids, your brother and SIL and tackle one major task yourself - make it time limited and see how much you can get done in that space of time. Pick on tasks that make the most noticeable impact... Sometimes starting from scratch by yourself when there is a backlog may seem insurmountable...

I don’t think either of yabu.
You offered to help out, he asked you to come over and clean the house.
That doesn’t work for you. He wasn’t to know that you didn’t want to do a day cleaning his house. You weren’t to know that he would ask you to do anything other than nipping to the shops, school runs etc.

I voted YABU because I would do this for any of my siblings. I understand your reasonings and you’re well within your rights to say no but I don’t think it’s that cheeky of an ask, you have offered to help and he has honestly said what would help him at this time. A couple of hours cleaning is no big deal to me if I genuinely wanted to help.