To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

Saying "let me know if there's anything I can do" and then not doing what you're asked is shitty.

You should have been more specific with your offer if you are only offering a limited service.

Just say ‘I’m rubbish at cleaning (have you seen my house recently haha!) but I’d love to take the kids for x time to give you guys some space to focus on whatever you need to do’

Personally, I would do it. Having loads going on and your house knee deep in wrappers only makes it worse.

YANBU - saying 'let me know if I can help with anything' doesn't give the other person to demand literally anything. OP also gave two examples of the help she was willing to offer, asking for something far more onerous is obviously not in the spirit of the offer, he is taking the piss.

Furthermore I find it really sexist that he looked around his own dirty house and thought 'hmm must find a woman to clean.' Rather than picking up a Hoover and doing it himself.

He doesn't have newborn triplets or anything that makes it impractical for him to clean his own home. The kids presumably go to bed before him, he could spend an hour or two each night staying on top of chores. He could also hand a rag spray bottle to the eldest and teach them some life skills. It's not rocket science, it'sjust society telling men that they don't need to do it.

That said if you're trying to help SIL and you actually like your brother- just go back to him and repeat your offer to have the children for a sleepover for the purpose of giving them more time to clean.

Once SIL is back on her feet, have a talk with your brother about dividing up the care of your dad. He's getting away with a lot there.

There is nothing wrong with helping out go your strengths. And if you agree to clean once, you may find yourself being asked every week - awkward! So choose what works / fits in best for you and your family - your help will be more sustainable that way and helpful in the long term

Offer to go over when the kids arnt there so you can help clean explain cleaning and tidying is a bit personal for family (the tidying part especially) so its best if its a group effort and it will get done faster

@Hercwasonaroll w
Wait so next time someone says that to me I can demand literally anything and they have to do it? Like having a genie?

I can understand not wanting to clean their home. But you offered to help them and didn't say specifically what you were willing to do. Doubt they'll ask again.
I think a house getting out of control can really impact on MH.

Yabu only because you offered to help, you said if there's anything I can do to help let me know. That's broad. If you only wanted to provide certain help you should have said let me know if you need me to do x y z to help.

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease Obviously within reasonable boundaries. Asking to help clean is reasonable. If there were conditions or OP only wanted to offer a couple of things, she should have said.

I think you are neither yabu or yanbu. You did offer to help and they said they need help and you've refused. One thing about depression is they may not see what's in front of them and everything is getting them down. My sister has depression and with kids destroying the house and working it's all getting on top of her, by the time she sits down she doesn't want to clean, same with her husband he is working all day and wants to spend time with the kids when home. He tries to clean but it's at such a state there is too much. I've been in before and done little bits and she is so grateful, once she sees it starting to transform and be tidy she try's to do her best and the more tidy she gets it the more weight she feels is lifted off her shoulders. She is happier when the house is clean and manageable.
I honestly think you should go in if you can, maybe if you could get someone to help and blitz it honestly she will be so grateful and more manageable for her and one less thing for her to worry about.

Think I would do a few hours cleaning. The older kids can help and be given a wee list of what they will be doing daily to help till their mums better.

You sound like my sister, after I had DD. I was exhausted as baby breast feeding non stop day and night. She kept offering to help so I asked her to sort the washing and give the floor a quick hoover round.
She said no. It turned out by "help" she meant sitting on the sofa holding the baby while I did it.

Asking to help clean is reasonable. If there were conditions or OP only wanted to offer a couple of things, she should have said.

But he didn't ask OP to "help" clean the house, he appears to have asked her to clean it with no help from them.

If he'd said on Saturday when the kids are with their grandparents we're going to try and blitz the house can you come and help, then the OP would probably have felt more inclined, but being expected to go clean a "bomb site" whilst the DB and SIL do feck all is a piss take

@lasttimeround

You offered to help. He said this would help. I dont understand why you cant go and give the place a clean.

Why should she when he can do it? Can't believe all the sexist comments on this thread.

Of course your reasons are valid, however the most helpful thing for your brother would be help with the house, which you won't do, so you really shouldn't offer "anything" if there are limits to what you are prepared to do.

[quote CupOfTeaAlonePlease]@Hercwasonaroll w
Wait so next time someone says that to me I can demand literally anything and they have to do it? Like having a genie? [/quote]
Yep, if you are really willing to offer unconditional help to someone close.

I've helped friends out with cleaning and dog poo picking. I always assume that they are at a point of desperation if that is what they are asking for.

Oh crumbs, I’d much rather do the cleaning than have the kids-much easier!

I offered to do the school run or have the kids overnight, and offered emotional support and a listening ear to them.

No

You didn't

You offered to help

But because you don't like the help they ACTUALLY need, you said no

That's your choice but don't offer general help unless you're prepared to do anything

Pay for their house to be cleaned this time

And be specific when you offer help again

If you weren't in a position to help you shouldn't have offered , sorry. Of course your reasons are valid , but why did you say " let me know if there's anything I can do?"
Can you help him hire a cleaner ? Have the kids for a couple of hours ?

Stick to your guns OP.
Cleaning it once is not going to help as they need to get into a routine of doing it themselves. If you do it once, I'm willing to bet they'll come to expect it.
If it's a one off deep clean then you'd be there for hours doing a filthy job as if he thinks he's above that.
Sounds like he thinks it's a woman's job to clean.
We all have kids and work and yet still manage to clean our houses so he can.

@StrongTea

Think I would do a few hours cleaning. The older kids can help and be given a wee list of what they will be doing daily to help till their mums better.

God forbid a man should do it

This is why when I had serious health issues a few years back I didn’t take anyone up on their offers of help. I knew most of them didn’t mean it and I wasn’t up to working out who was being honest as opposed to trying to make themselves feel good about how helpful they were (without actually doing anything).

I don’t see a one off blitz cleaning as being unreasonable. If a house is a mess it can be very difficult to start. An outsider coming in can be a big help. If he tries to turn you into his regular cleaner, that’s different.

You offered to help... maybe really think hard before offering your help if you don’t mean it.
Depression causes people to lose all motivation. She is ill. I think your brother is asking you, his sister for the thing he really needs help with.
I did exactly the same thing for my brother and his wife and they have no children. Very similar situation otherwise. I did it because I love them and wanted to help. I took two days annual leave and cleaned their house, did all their washing, changed their beds, ironing and did a food shop.
I don’t judge anyone for not doing the same but you offered.... I feel sorry for your brother as he took you up on your offer and you said no. Ouch! I hope you never need their help.

I suppose I would do it. but say, I will come & help you, but everyone needs to pitch in.
Kids need to put all their dirty clothes in the basket
Kids need to pick up shit off their bedroom & other floors
Kids need to put all their mugs etc spread over the house in the dishwasher
Kids need to hoover their bedroom floors
Kids empty waste paper bins
Brother can clean the bathrooms & WC,, hoover living areas pick up stuff from the smaller DC/Dust flat surfaces
You can sort out kitchen. with all the machines going as you go.
Then say as you leave, now you see what needs doing, it should be easy to maintain