To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

I think if it’s something they could do with help with then you should. It takes a lot to ask for help, this will likely mean they don’t ask again.

Could you go when the kids are at their grandparents and “help” them so that he does it with you? Maybe he’s feeling overwhelmed himself

This is their most acute need. This is where you could help. This is what he has asked for, in response to your "if you need anything."

I've done it. I've also had it done for me. I remember a time in my 20s when I was so ill, and my mother came over and not only brought me soup but cleaned my flat down to the kitchen floor. I felt so relieved. I also felt so taken care of. It meant an enormous amount to me.

Depression isn't just debilitating for the person suffering but for the family; it's possible that cleaning feels overwhelming right now.

You know your brother best. If he's a cheeky fucker who takes but never gives, then you do what you need to do. If not, then I would take him at face value.

In future, don't offer general help if you don't mean it--offer specific, limited help if that's what you plan to give. Nothing to be ashamed of.

YABU, simply because you offered to help when you aren’t actually willing to.

So your brother expects you with your own kids and household and the additional responsibility of cleaning your dads house. To go clean house his house.

Why is his house a state to begin with, why hasn’t he been cleaning it himself and organising his DC to pitch in and tidy?

I’d never expect a relative to come around and clean my house if my partner was unwell. How many women have ever expected or asked for that when their partners are unwell and when they have an afternoon a week childfree?

If you feel terribly guilty about it, offer to have their youngest for a couple of hours whilst you’re brother and older dc blitz their own house.

I can see why SIL is depressed.

If you had been a brother instead of a sister, would he have asked you to do this?

I'd offer to go round and help him tidy up, but I wouldn't be doing it by myself. Cleaning needs to be done regularly and lots of people manage to work full-time and fit it in. He needs to get a handle on what is involved so he can keep on top of it himself. Or is he planning for you to become his new regular unpaid cleaner?

Also, you can clean with kids around...My DC is younger than his kids, but I do everything (cleaning, cooking, hoovering, laundry) with them around and awake. Sometimes they help.

@JunkCrumpet

Honestly, YABU. Not because you don't want to clean his house but because you offered to help when you don't want to help. You explicitly asked him if there was anything you could do to help and when he said there was, you decided you couldn't be bothered. Don't offer something you're not willing to give or make promises you're not willing to keep. In their position I'd know that you don't mean what you say.

I think this a bit too. You could offer to help him with it if you feel like he's palming 'women's work' off on you. Or you could offer to watch the kids while he cleans perhaps.

Could there be some sort of compromise where your brother and their kids help with the clean? That way you’re showing them how to maintain it too.

It sounds as if you are also time poor. How old are the children? You say they could help. In your position I would not be a skivvy and clean for them. This is creating a dependency and need, therefore not sorting any issues in the mId term until your SIL will hopefully be up and running again.

I would offer to go round and help them get the house sorted as a team, By that I mean book a weekend afternoon to get the children and your brother to all pitch in to tidy up / clean. I would be clear if they don’t help, you’ll go and have a chat with SIL and leave. I would take cleaning products incase there aren’t many. Having done whatever I could in say 4 hours, I’d then give them a good talking to about keeping it this way.

To have more impact, other things I could do would be to bring dinner, then sit down and agree a family schedule of chores between the 3 of them.

If you do I would be very clear this is a one off. You are not going to look after them every week on top of your dad.

jay55

So he could take you up in your offer to have the kids, and do the cleaning himself during that time, but he'd rather you did the cleaning?

Oh, actually that’s a really good point. hmmI change my vote! Why can’t he do that?

Or maybe in the short time each week where they're not working or looking after children he's trying to spend some quality supportive time with his wife, whose going through a mental health crisis?

My first thought was also ‘well you did offer to help...’, but there are obviously going to be limits- cleaning the whole of someone’s house sounds a bit much. Local rules permitting, and provided SIL is ok with it, why not offer to do one room for them such as the kitchen? I’ve done this for a friend who was a bit overwhelmed with a new baby, and it was a fairly manageable way to help out. Maybe also be more careful with the way you phrase offers of help in future!

@Mummyoflittledragon

It sounds as if you are also time poor. How old are the children? You say they could help. In your position I would not be a skivvy and clean for them. This is creating a dependency and need, therefore not sorting any issues in the mId term until your SIL will hopefully be up and running again.

I would offer to go round and help them get the house sorted as a team, By that I mean book a weekend afternoon to get the children and your brother to all pitch in to tidy up / clean. I would be clear if they don’t help, you’ll go and have a chat with SIL and leave. I would take cleaning products incase there aren’t many. Having done whatever I could in say 4 hours, I’d then give them a good talking to about keeping it this way.

To have more impact, other things I could do would be to bring dinner, then sit down and agree a family schedule of chores between the 3 of them.

If you do I would be very clear this is a one off. You are not going to look after them every week on top of your dad.

How on earth is going round and giving them a "chores shedule" help?

Do you think they dont know what needs doing or that they're too thick to make a list?

Are you serious? So you offer to help twice, and say “if there is anything I can do...” then they ask, and you say no. Yabu. Very very unreasonable.

Maybe offer to help him clean when the kids are at grandparents.... a one off to get it sorted and then explain he needs to keep on top of it and get the kids to help if they can. ( I was brought up in a home where we always helped with household jobs, made my life easier as an adult!)

Hm... I do agree with others that your offer to help wasn't specific enough to exclude a bit of cleaning.

I agree that it's a bit much to ask someone to come round and clean but you did ask if there was anything you could do to help - twice.

If it were me then I would much prefer to offload the kids on someone for an afternoon so I could blitz the house and then have a quiet cup of tea on the sofa, as I can't stand the thought of someone else seeing my house in a bad state, but everyone is different. Maybe the cleaning is the most difficult thing for them to manage right now? And you aren't just an acquaintance, you're close family.

Maybe just say to them that you're really sorry but you don't have the time to do housework for them, but you're happy to have the kids for a few hours whilst you get on with other stuff to give them a break, as a compromise. Otherwise you will just look bad because you've offered to help twice and then gone back on the offer.

then sit down and agree a family schedule of chores between the 3 of them.

You must be joking. Please don't do this OP.

I’m with @PastelPompoms pop over and get you dB and the kids together to show them what to do. I’m not surprised your sil is depressed if the kids are dropping sweet wrappers on the floor. Your dB needs to step up. On his days off he should be cleaning or taking the kids out so sil can have a break.

I would say to him that you’ll come over to do some batch cooking for them and thoroughly clean the kitchen on the Saturday while no kids are there. He can clean the rest of the house while you’re doing that. (You could do some with him if you have time). If he tackles it himself he’ll have more incentive to keep it clean and you’ll feel less pissed off if it ends up a tip again if you’ve not been the one to do it all.
That way you’ve helped but he also has to help himself.

Don't offer "if there's anything I can do" then moan when they do ask.

That said, I wouldn't want to do it either! Hate cleaning.

I don't think it's cheeky, but it's not a well thought through request. I would definitely say "I have enough cleaning of my own to do with my house and dad's honestly, but what about if I have all the kids over on Saturday or Sunday for the day so you can blitz the house while they're out. Would that help?" If he doesn't take you upon that, you'll find there is a valid reason for your sil's depression.

YABU.

Next time you only want to help in a way that doesn't inconvenience you much you should say so up front.

I understand not doing it long term, but could you go for one afternoon to help. You offered support, and it was probably embarrassing for him to ask.

Why don’t you pay for a cleaner for them?

Sorry, it I also think YABU. You offered to help and you said anything.
If you know the kids aren't there on a Saturday then can you say you will come over then and help him with it? I.e. make it clear it won't just be you who is cleaning but that he needs to do some too.

I voted YANBU because you have the right to say no if you want to. I will say though that in my experience of helping people with PND, the thing they said most after recovery was that help with housework had been the one thing that had helped them feel better. Living in a mess is bound to get you down. In your place I'd do it once, involving their kids, and then refuse if asked again.

"Let me know if I can help"

"Yes, help with cleaning would be really appreciated "

"I don't want to help like that"

"Oh."