To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

Maybe he thought you wouldn't mind doing it as you offered your help.

I think you should do 2 hours at theirs - put laundry away, a quick blitz with the hoover and a clean kitchen. Then say that if they need the time to clean again then you can have the kids for a couple of hours. You did offer and it sounds like they really could do with the help.

If he has never asked for help before I would go over and offer to help them get the place straight. Including kids in it.

I would have thought it unreasonable until you said you offered to help - you just don’t like what he says he needs help with most.
If it was me I would help but with a twist - I would set aside a Saturday as a family project, you, your brother, the oldest two - make a plan and clean the house together. Then agree and write down jobs going forward as who in his family will do what to keep on top of it. They may just need a kick start. But I think they need to invest their time in the big clean up or the place will just get very messy quickly again.

One session cleaning alongside her could really help. Half an hour, fir each of 2 days - the equivalent of doing the school run,

He isn’t asking you to become their regular cleaner, which would be unreasonable.

You offered help, but only on your terms.

YANBU. You were clear with what kind of help you were willing to offer. I too, would be happy to have the kids but definitely would not clean anyone's house! An exception would be a) my parents if unable to do it themselves b) physically disabled relative/close friend c) if I am doing it as a paid job.

Absolutely not for a healthy adult couple who simply can't be bothered to keep their own home clean.

Offer to help, then say no when asked. That’s pretty unreasonable.

So you asked if there was anything you could do to help, he told you what would really help him out, and it's too inconvenient for you to provide the help you offered? If you've no intention of putting yourself out to help in future, don't offer.

Yes I think yabu - you offered to help but it sounds like really you are a bit angry with them .

If you really wanted to help someone in this situation you could go and do a one-off blitz clean up and get them organised so that the kids can help out going forward.

The house being cleaned up might allow the SIL to feel a bit less overwealmed and maybe she will be able to cope a bit better or it might be a complete tip again a week later!

I do agree that become a weekly cleaner for them would not be ok but a one-off clear up would be reasonable in my opinion.

Bit of a pain but I agree that you did offer, so should do it at least once. Some good suggestions here about getting the kids and him involved and offering ongoing cleaner. Also make it clear that it’s just the once but that picking up kids etc is still on offer. Then suck it up, get in with it and know that you’re going above and beyond the call of duty, and being a lovely person to your brothers be his family at a difficult time 🥰

If I loved someone enough to offer them my help, my help would be given when they said yes. I would only offer if I meant it, though.

As others have said, you could have his DC whilst he cleans, but it's possible he's the type of bloke who wouldn't know his arse from his elbow when it comes to sorting out the house. It's equally possible that he's actually drowning under the weight of everything going on, too.

I would be so embarrassed if I asked you for help after you offered and then said no.
You have no idea what is going on behind the scenes, you only know what they want you to know
Don't offer if you don't mean it. Your brother probably only sees your dad because he has his plate full.
Think on

I think yabu to offer help and then when they ask for it refuse!

I know exactly what you mean about all the free time etc, but when you’re in the grips of depression and you struggle to lift your ass out of bed, you let the house get messy then trying to clean it overwhelms you and you can’t face making a start, then it just spirals out of control.

I would suggest, as a complete one off, that you go around on their child free night and all 3 of you get the house square with you dishing out the orders, then tell them ways to keep on top of it
And make it clear it’s a one time help to set them back to factory settings.

My husband and I (we both work full time with the commute and drops off I’m out from 7.30-5.30, he’s 8.30 to 7.20) we set the timer for 15 mins each night and just do a quick swizz around and that’s all You need to keep on top of the tidying etc

Dont make offers you aren't prepared to follow through on.

You literally asked if there was anything you could do. You didn't say 'like picking up the kids' you said 'or pick up the kids' etc. You can't then be annoyed when he asks for what would help him even if it is a bit of a piss take.

I would do it as a one off, commit to spending 3 hours there maybe on a day when his kids are there so you can get them to do their own rooms and help. Just make sure it's a one off and you don't offer to help them (in an unspecified way) again.

*occasionally

And what OP said was "Let me know if I can do anything". Not "I will do everything, just ask".

She is offering help, she is completely within her right to choose how she is willing to help. What if they asked for money? For her to move in as a live-in nanny and housekeeper because "they are just not coping"? To do all school runs? It would be very unreasonable to expect from her to accommodate all of those.

Help is willingly offered and gratefully received, whatever it is.

Yabu you offered to help but only want to help with certain things.
They are family and obviously need help. This might put them off asking you for help in the future. It would take a lot for me to ask for help and if I was turned down I would never ask again.

If you genuinely think they are desperate and struggling, and it’s a one-off, then just go and do it.
I’d make it clear to him that the kids need to be helping out with cleaning.
A messy house can really have an adverse effect on anyone’s mental health.
It will probably be a big learning curve for them all if they are used to SIL picking up after turn all, but they need to do it.

I would be thrilled to do it. So often “anything I can do to help” are just hollow words. You can genuinely help here!

Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight

Personally I'd rather clean their whole house than have three children round for a sleepover.

You may have offered help like I would have offered help to my sister in the same situation but I would never have expected the request would be to clean their house. They should ask can you have the children so theycan clean the house together. As people on MN would quickly point out you are not a skivvy if your partner would expect you to do all the housework as he should be pulling his weight.

Disagree with posters saying that asking if could help (and suggesting a couple of things) means OP is somehow obliged to clean their house!

This is cheeky fuckery from OP’s DB. If one of SiL’s problems is a DH who doesn’t pull his weight, another woman enabling him to continue probably wouldn’t help HER anyway!

As well as her own household OP is already providing substantial domestic work for her and her brother’s father.

My sister is suffering from severe depression, she lives abroad and I can't get to her.

She keeps telling me how bad her house is and needs cleaning, she can't cope at the moment as she's ill.

I'd go tomorrow to clean it if I could.

YABVU to offer help and then not do it.

What did you actually want to do to help?

@CareBear50

If it were me I would offer two hours on a Saturday evening. But only On the proviso you and your brother both get stuck into the cleaning

This

Go over one sat eve. Help your brother for 3/4hrs and blast the place

Much easier when kids not there