To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

Have you ever suffered from depression, OP? It can be every bit as debilitating as any physical illness, perhaps even more so. Even getting out of bed is an impossible task. Your SIL needs professional help, but until she gets it... YABU.

Grit your teeth and clean their house. Even if only once. And do it willingly.

@remainin yes I have as I clearly stated in first post which is why I’m struggling that I said no. I know exactly what it is like to not be able to summon the energy to do anything, getting out of bed being a Herculean task.
Luckily sil is getting professional help and has started taking anti depressants and has appointment booked in for counseling which I truly hope will help her.

I'd agree to do one, high traffic room as in the kitchen which always seems like a mountain to tackle on condition that he pulls his finger out and does the rest.

@user1471457751

I don't think *@JunkCrumpet* you can generalise like that - when I'm suffering from depression I like to be left completely alone and my oh cleaning would be much more appreciated than him sitting next to me. And I don't see how he can look after the kids and be with his wife but not clean and be with his wife. Unless he keeps them in one room all day

I'm not saying she necessarily WILL feel that way, I'm saying that there could be a very valid reason why it would be more helpful for OP to do the housework than take the children. Perhaps having the children around makes SIL feel better so sending them away would make her worse but DB can't do housework and childcare? I'm just saying people shouldn't assume he's being lazy when he's working full time, looking after three children and responsible for all the housework - also whilst caring for his unwell wife. It's clear that OP doesn't like him so she's clearly painted a picture but it's not necessarily a fair one.

YANBU. You said they should let you know if there is anything you can do to help but, seriously, I'm sure cleaning their house is not what you meant. He's cheeky to ask you. Perhaps you should
get back to him and say you'll entertain their kids whilst he does it!

Do you think he could be trying to shame her by asking you over to do it?

@jay55

So he could take you up in your offer to have the kids, and do the cleaning himself during that time, but he'd rather you did the cleaning?

Exactly.

@JunkCrumpet I love my brother and I don’t dislike him. I’m sorry that you took that from my post
Thank you for sharing your experience with your illness and I hope you are in a much place now

@Anordinarymum

They could always get a cleaning company to come in a do a one off spring clean. I am sure there are companies who do this.

Don't be their cleaner. Help in other ways. A bit cheeky really of him to ask, but easily remedied.

I agree that hiring a cleaning company would be the best thing.

I doubt your brother expected you to thoroughly clean the entire house, op, just hoped you'd do a bit but you have your hands full already. Suggest the cleaning company to him and your sister in law.

YABU because you offered to help but you didn’t really mean it and come across very judgementally.
Next time don’t pretend you’re actually wanting to help and you won’t find yourself in this situation.

@Rose789 Sorry! I should have paid more attention to your OP. It's a big ask, cleaning someone else's house. My first thought was "hire a cleaner" but that's not an option, you said.

If you don't want to do it, don't. Maybe meet them halfway by making a lasagna and salad or something. Or say you'll tidy the kitchen but nothing more? That way your conscience is clear!

People splitting feathers as usual, OP.

He's a cheeky sod, clean the house!

Should you clean your brother's toilet? Hell no. You are a good sister, SIL and aunt. Of course you should offer support and take the kids for an hour or two while your brother gets on with cleaning his own home. SIL may not well be well enough to clean and tidy up but her children and your brother should step up and clean their own shit. You are not his cleaner. Absolutely do not do this. If you do - they will expect it all the time.

I e. clean the house, my eye!

I voted YANBU. But don't say 'can I do anything' when you don't actually mean that. You mean, 'can I babysit, help out in x and y ways'. Better to be specific.

It's also embarrassing. I have a very good mate who's a cleaner. I'd be mortified if she cleaned for me. She is a gem who offered to come to hospital in the wee hours for DD, she'd do anything to help. Except clean.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I voted YANBU. But don't say 'can I do anything' when you don't actually mean that. You mean, 'can I babysit, help out in x and y ways'. Better to be specific.

It's also embarrassing. I have a very good mate who's a cleaner. I'd be mortified if she cleaned for me. She is a gem who offered to come to hospital in the wee hours for DD, she'd do anything to help. Except clean.

For those who offer...everyone says "let me know if I can do anything to help"....they shouldn't need to say 'within reason' because everyone already knows what they mean!!

I agree that the cleaning could be embarrassing. That's why I'm wondering if the husband is doing this to shame his wife. He might think she'd be mortified if a family member came over to clean because she couldn't and that it might make her do it herself!!

SOunds like he just wants a live in maid and his has broken down, he is looking to you.

Not surprised she has depression.

I think YABU as you offered to help. I would do it but make sure he helped.

YANBU for refusing to clean FOR them.

What might be a compromise is that you agree to go round and organise them into cleaning the house for SIL - so while you'd still have the mental load of telling them what to do, they'd all have to pitch in and help out, including your brother (who has no excuse).

Teach the kids what to do. Tell them how to operate the washing maching, explain that they're old enough now to clear up after themselves and not be such godawful slobs. No wonder SIL is depressed if she's living with a bunch of layabouts who just create mess and do fuck all to help clear it up!

It's the old "give a man a loaf, feed him for a day. Teach him how to grow wheat, make flour from the ears and bake, and you'll feed him for a lifetime" thing. You can't be expected to go and clean for them every week (although your brother probably thinks you can) so best option is to teach him and the kids how to do it themselves.

If they don't want to learn to help, then fuckit - leave them to it.

I don’t know your financial position Op but I’d use the excuse of the local lockdown which prevents you from going to his house anyway and pay for a one off clean for them. You’ll get around three hours for £40. I’d text and say

“Hi x, right I’m happy to help get you back on top of it all. I’ve arranged for a cleaner to come over and blitz the place on DAY for three hours. I’ll also send you my cleaning schedule that I use for our house since this might help you stay on top of it going forwards. If it helps then once we’re out of lockdown I could have the kids once a fortnight on a [insert day] for two hours to give you time to do the bigger cleaning tasks. Otherwise [name of cleaning service] is £[15] an hour so it might be a good investment whilst you’ve got your hands full. Xx”

There is no way I would clean for my brother. Offer to look after his kids, while HE cleans. You should buy him a bucket, a bottle of Zoflora and tie a big red ribbon round them.

If it were me I would offer two hours on a Saturday evening. But only On the proviso you and your brother both get stuck into the cleaning

You offered to help. He said this would help. I dont understand why you cant go and give the place a clean.

Don't offer help if you don't actually mean it.

No way. He knows you clean your dad's house and obviously thinks it's women's work as he never pitches in. Lazy sod. Your sil is struggling but it's his job to support her daily, and that means keeping on top of the house.

School runs and babysitting is more than generous. Particularly because they have every Saturday off, he's a cheeky fucker.