To want him to give up football so I can work?

[Pollyandted]

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

@Redolent

Personally, I think the OP is confusing what she wants. What’s the primary goal here?

Is it:

• to have time out for yourself, make some income, exercise some independence
• for your DH to sacrifice something meaningful to him? To feel what it’s like to lose something you enjoy, in the same way that you have sacrificed for three years?

Imo this is more about the latter.

Yeah, I have to say I agree with this.

The lack of communication between the two of you is pretty appalling, really.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore and 55Legseleven1990

I completely agree with you both

Finding childcare at the wkends is harder and often more expensive then during the wk.

@Totickleamockingbird

No *@Elsewyre* Give up his own passion for at least until OP gets back on her feet. She was at home, raising their kids and having no hobbies of her own, when he was playing football for many many years. Why do you think it’s unfair?

But she chose not to have any hobbies of her own. He didn't force it upon her. She could have gone out on weekends around his football, or in the evenings before he left for work, or organised some childcare and gone out during occasionally during the week.

If he has to organise childcare to do his hobby around her job, she could have done the same.

Can you find the 8 hrs work on a Saturday?

But she chose not to have any hobbies of her own. He didn't force it upon her. She could have gone out on weekends around his football, or in the evenings before he left for work, or organised some childcare and gone out during occasionally during the week.
The internalised misogyny on this thread is bloody terrible. The wife should ensure her hobbies (if any are indeed possible in the hours you are suggesting!) should revolve around her husband’s hobby hours. The mind boggles!

The OP says they don't have a great deal of money vanilla, so why are you making assumptions that the budget would allow for childcare so she could do a hobby? The OP has made it clear her mother is unreliable and has said nothing to suggest there's anyone else to ask even on an ad hoc basis.

Hope work went well today.

If he is autistic (as I am), then most of this could probably have been avoided with much clearer communication. He will be set in his ways because his routine is how he avoids anxiety. The thought of changing his routine (such as changing teams) probably makes him hugely anxious.

Change is possible but it needs notice and clear communication with nothing left to assumption. He possibly hadn't appreciated the implications of the job if he isn't skilled at forward planning.

It seems that once you explained the issue, he agreed to give up football for a while and then review the situation. That seems eminently sensible. Hopefully another time, a good conversation will avoid all the angst when compromises need to be made.

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer

The OP says they don't have a great deal of money vanilla, so why are you making assumptions that the budget would allow for childcare so she could do a hobby? The OP has made it clear her mother is unreliable and has said nothing to suggest there's anyone else to ask even on an ad hoc basis.

She says one of her DC is already in nursery! But if money is so tight, what about the other options? She could do it at the weekend while he's available - why is there suddenly time for her to work at weekends when there's no time for her to do a hobby?

So he assumed that for the hours you were working on a Sunday another women would look after his kids so he could do his nice hobby? Sounds like sexism to me.

She has two DC vanilla, so presumably you were talking about the other one when you claimed with no basis that she could sort childcare to go out during the week. You were making assumptions on that point. The people who are criticising OP seem to be very familiar with everything available in her local area. I wonder how they manage that?

why is there suddenly time for her to work at weekends when there's no time for her to do a hobby?
If money is tight, neither of them need a hobby that means wife takes care of the children for years on end while the husband sods off every weekend. He needs to chip in to take his wife’s career off the ground just as she did that unpaid care for him for years.
Why is this so hard to understand for so many many people here?

Is it just me or does it feel like these people are merely existing to bring children up rather than having any joy or direction to their own lives? Everyone is talking about miserable compromises on both sides but where is the love and excitement of life

[quote Bubbletrouble43]@simonJT
I used to play for a ladies football team and many team members used to bring babies in pushchairs and small kids, supervised by the subs and coaching staff whilst on the pitch. As a single mum of a 6 Yr old dd I had to bring her more often than not and she loved it! [/quote]
Thats what I do as well, he started coming with me from 18 months, and he still does as a five year old. He is the only child who attends, I’m also the only player who is a parent. But theres always someone available to keep an eye on him.

What's with all the people arguing with the OP that she's so mean to her poor poor "D" husband: Jesus Christ. She's put up with this shit for years. He can give up football.

Get a childminder. He can drop them off and pick them up after the footie. It won't cost much for a few hours.

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer

She has two DC vanilla, so presumably you were talking about the other one when you claimed with no basis that she could sort childcare to go out during the week. You were making assumptions on that point. The people who are criticising OP seem to be very familiar with everything available in her local area. I wonder how they manage that?

Eh? It's not like it's some weirdly outlandish suggestion. Of course it may not be possible for various reasons and that's fine, but there's nothing wrong with suggesting it!

Weekend childcare is hard to come by and is normally more expensive than weekday care. There's nothing at all wrong with wondering why it's not possible to arrange a half day of nursery or to arrange a babysitter once a week so OP has some time to herself. Plenty of SAHM's put their DC in nursery through the week for for that exact reason!

Given everything you've said about resenting his football for three years, I find it hard to believe that it didn't occur to you that it would be a problem when you applied for this job. And I suspect that you were being disingenuous when you didn't mention it when you had the conversation about " it'll be alright won't it?"
You must have pretty much cheered inside when you realise he hadn't made the link and moved on.

Yes, it's down to both of you to work out childcare, but seriously, if it was a woman posting saying that her husband had taken a job that meant giving up her only hobby that he knew was important to her, without really discussing it, mumsnet would be backing her vociferously.

Oops. Looks like I missed a page.

if it was a woman posting saying that her husband had taken a job that meant giving up her only hobby that he knew was important to her, without really discussing it, mumsnet would be backing her vociferously
No it won’t. If the roles were reversed in this scenario, I would say exactly the same.
I really don’t like it when people try to generalise (‘Mumsnet would say...’) When there is little evidence that this would happen. Majority of us are just, everyday people.

Actually vanilla, presuming that a parent in a setup without much money and no reliable family help could get childcare to go out and do a hobby during the week was pretty outlandish. You didn't just raise it as a suggestion, you said she could've done it and had chosen not to.

I had one of these. He wanted me back at work but the expectation was that I would pay childcare and it would not impact on his life. They are his children as well so he needs to patent. We have all given up much more than a one day a week hobby as parents. I doubt he will though

You are not selfish under any circumstance, why should you miss out on an opportunity so he can play football? My OH plays footballs on weekday evenings because I work weekends. We get the short straw by having to work every blinking weekend! Whilst taking care of the kids all week. You are not selfish your human

@BubblyBarbara

Is it just me or does it feel like these people are merely existing to bring children up rather than having any joy or direction to their own lives? Everyone is talking about miserable compromises on both sides but where is the love and excitement of life

Where is the love and excitement of life indeed? The OP has no money of her own. She never goes out because shes the only parent home in the evening and and has no social life. No family. One of her DCs has separation issues and has inherited ASD from his DF so that's most childcare fucked. She's even had counselling to cope with it because she indeed has no joy.

They have no joint friends or social life and her and her DH do not have evenings together. In fact she spends almost every night at home on her own. His body clock is set to daytime sleeping and night time working. Hers is vice versa.

She doesn't work so has no adult company. Home alone day and night. With just two small children. A few snatched hours when the rest of the world is busy with her DH. Then on one of the two days off he has a hobby that takes the whole day. Leaving him exhausted.

He however has a job he enjoys, with friends, a hobby he enjoys, with friends. Another wind down at home hobby. A wife that looks after the children and does the housework. A very nice life with no need for friends outside of work and football. Children there for a few hours a week. What's not to like?

So, Bubbly Barbera it's not that there's no joy. He has plenty. She in the end has none. Not a fucking sliver. And your fucking answer earlier was that she doesn't deserve any. That he should continue his lifestyle and tough luck for her. That's she was being mean

Some of you people have no empathy. You sit there in your little suburban houses saying how bringing up children is just so rewarding! Why isn't that enough?? And of course the Menz should be allowed to play with their friends! And oh the op has spitefully planned this way to take away the fun from her poor ickle lamb of a DH because the Menz should never ever ever have to give up anything when they willing and knowingly have children.

But when they divorce my god she will be judged for having no career or income. And she will be living in poverty because he doesn't earn enough to pay for one household let alone two.

For me it seems like a big sacrifice for him for only a few hours work.