To want him to give up football so I can work?

[Pollyandted]

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl well said.

"By the time he's up it's too late for me to go and do anything for myself as it's then time to get the children ready for bed."

Can't he do the evening/bed routine while you have some time to yourself once a week? The 6.30 to 9ish slot seems ideal to me.

There is no misogyny in supporting the concept of both parents to be having me time.
It really is worrying the number of people advocating that the dh should give up his miserly 3 hours a week. There is plenty of opportunity for op to get time of her own either at the weekend or in the evenings.
The work situation is more difficult and will require childcare (dh to fix as it's on his time, just as op fixes the childcare when it's on her time).

@dontdisturbmenow

If you want to be a SAHM mum you do it willingly, consciously, knowing the repercussions on your earning potential and isolation. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. If you do it begrudgingly or because there’s no other choice, you make that clear - that you’re not genuinely happy with the arrangement, that you remain frustrated with the partner having their work and hobbies, and that you will expect some sacrifices from them as soon as it is possible. Not simmering resentment which basically destroys a relationship Exactly that.

I think many woman contemplate bring a sahm as getting the best deal. They look forward to it Andare happy to let their partner deal with the pressure of financially supporting the famiky.

Then they realise that being a sham is not all they'd imagine and start resenting their partner for what they now deem to be the better deal. Then they make a point of convincing everyone that they made all the sacrifices and therefore are owed to do what they want now regardless of the impact on their partner.

I totally agree with the above. If you don't want and never wanted to be a sahp, don't become one. Don't give up something that matters greatly to.tou unless there are absolutely no other solutions.

Don't go with something that you think is unfair whilst brewing resentment until you decide that it's ok to be selfish because you deserve it.

If someone decides to make a change to the status quo, it is their responsibity to consider the impact on others. OP should have raised from the start that her looking for weekend work would mean him having to give up football.

You have a real contempt against SAHP. I'm a SAHP and can gleefully confirm you're talking through your arse. Thankfully me and my DH have taken it in turns being the SAHP (because having one of us at home literally was our only option) so neither of us takes the other for granted and knows the sacrifices the SAHP makes for the benefit of their family, and taking it in turns means both our careers have taken an equal hit, but neither of them have taken a drastic hit the way most SAHPs careers do - we both had children, we both enjoy the children but equally we both have to accept the more negative sides of parenting (less social life, less time for hobbies, both taking parental leave). When I was the full time working partner with my dh being the SAHP, my life was a lot easier and I felt a lot more like myself. Thankfully because my DH has also done this, he gets it and makes sure I know im appreciated and makes sure I get time for myself, like I did vice versa. Theres really no excuse for mens lives not be remotely effected by having children and I thank my lucky stars the vast vast majority of men I've met don't think like this. The amount of women on this post pandering to this poor man having parental responsibility for his own children baffles me.

Good luck for your new job - I think it sounds a really good idea....i had a mixed experience as SAHM and went back v part time 6yrs ago - and managed to turn taht into term time once i had been then for a while..
yes was lower wages than if i'd stayed in orginal work but didnt...

and have ended up FT (not particluarly wanted but dh lost job due covid) but has given us financial flexibity and 6yrs later am getting nearer previous wage levels again..
I personna;y have really benefited from being back at work - even if its just to have something different to moan about sometimes...and I have got to make some new friends ... so you go for it...dont let him sabotage it ...

@OpenlyGayExOlympicFencer

Actually vanilla, presuming that a parent in a setup without much money and no reliable family help could get childcare to go out and do a hobby during the week was pretty outlandish. You didn't just raise it as a suggestion, you said she could've done it and had chosen not to.

It's not "pretty outlandish" at all.

Plenty of families who have low incomes and little spare money manage to sort out childcare. Either by paying for it, or trading "time off" with another parent.

Childcare doesn't have to be expensive or even paid for. Lots of families work together and trade evenings so that each couple or parent gets some time off.

OP also could have free time in the evening evening to do something - her DP can do the evening routine (dinner, bath and bed) and she could easily have some time to herself, even if it's just going for a walk or going to a friend's house for dinner or coffee.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Having no hobby is not healthy OP. Not for you or him. I would not take away my DHs only hobby and form of exercise. I’d personally just work the Saturdays for now, and then add shifts during the week when both children can be in nursery. I’d also find a hobby to do one evening a week and hire in a babysitter paid for by him.

They can't afford childcare, they can't afford nursery. Jobs that magically for around part time nursery are not just sitting there waiting around. When DS was in nursery he was in 8.45-11.45. 3 hours a day. By the time I'd even walked to the local shop, is have only been able to work 2.5 hours at BEST. He sees the kids for bedtime in the week, maybe an hour on the day, Saturday and then not much Sunday. It'll actually do them all good to have him spend time with his children

Lots of families work together and trade evenings so that each couple or parent gets some time off. Except it's early that way when you have a child with SEN. We literally have MIL who did regular childcare (2 hours every few weeks) and my Mom when we had a series of funerals (so one off bursts or about 3 hours).

legseleven90
Seriously you can't understand how somebody's circumstances are different than your own?

When mine were tiny I was earning something like £700 a month and childcare was about £600. But it was a long term investment to keep my hand in and keep getting pension paid & I knew that eventually things would get better. We needed to small amount extra I made. So we weren't by any stretch of the imagination well off. One of the children is already in nursery for 2 days a week.

Anyway OP has won the battle and her DH has agreed to give up his hobby. I just think there might have been a better solution.

I find the idea on MN that going to work is somehow a rest/break quite bizarre.

I work in a mainstream nursery and yes we have children with SEN. The last setting i worked in did too. Lots of nursery,s have children with ASD.

Talk to him about him dropping a day at work in the future so that you can work on that day instead of a Sunday.

If you want/need to work 2 days but can’t afford childcare then it has to be done when he is home. He needs to look at adjusting his work and hobby schedule to make that happen.

Well that couldn't have gone worse. I've been looked at and spoken to like shit on my first day. Maybe it is for the best I don't bother after all, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Deflated.

@cottonsock are you kidding me? She's sacrificed everything but he can't find another time to do his hobby?! That is fucking ridiculous.

For those of you saying get another job, do you understand it's not that bloody easy, unemployment is high and SAHP are disadvantaged because they have taken time out of the work force? Seriously, you can't just magic up the perfect job but you CAN change your hobby.

@Pollyandted

Well that couldn't have gone worse. I've been looked at and spoken to like shit on my first day. Maybe it is for the best I don't bother after all, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Deflated.

Don’t give up. This is how bullies thrive. You really need to dig your heels in and get it done.

@converseandjeans

legseleven90 Seriously you can't understand how somebody's circumstances are different than your own?

When mine were tiny I was earning something like £700 a month and childcare was about £600. But it was a long term investment to keep my hand in and keep getting pension paid & I knew that eventually things would get better. We needed to small amount extra I made. So we weren't by any stretch of the imagination well off. One of the children is already in nursery for 2 days a week.

Anyway OP has won the battle and her DH has agreed to give up his hobby. I just think there might have been a better solution.

I find the idea on MN that going to work is somehow a rest/break quite bizarre.

Our nursery fees were 600 a week, not a month, my take home pay was 550, plus we had to run a second car to make it work. So while you were bringing home a little, it was costing us. That's the difference. And as I've said before, I've been the sahp and also the working parent while my husband was at home and going to work was definitely a break from the monotony that is 24/7 childcare (not necessarily easier but definitely needed). And its not the idea on MN that going to work is a rest, its the shared experience of SAHP that going to work is a mental break. If you haven't been a SAHP for any length of time then it makes sense you don't understand it. As it stands, I much prefer working to staying at home, which will not be the experience of everyone. I would be back to work in a shot if we were bringing home 100 a month. I would be back even if I was just breaking even but unfortunately it was costing us money. Please appreciate everyone is different and you can't apply your circumstances to everyone else.

@Pollyandted Hopefully once you have got some experience back at work and the kids are a little older you can get working week hours. It's easier for childcare and a FT job will pay more. As many have said it isn't about trying to make it financially profitable at first, it's a long game. There's career progression, paying into both state and private pensions, and of course the all important social aspect.

You hoped for a family life and got isolation and loneliness. A job and your own circle of supportive friends will be life saving for you. It doesn't sound like he's much more than a visitor really. Will that change? Unlikely.

He gave up one of his two family days for his hobby when he doesn't have evenings with them like other people. He may eventually turn out to be not the right man for you. I'm not saying LTB but equally right now you have to take full control of your own life - and don't put yourself last.

And why did you give up your hobby? Why can't you start it up again? There's any one of a number of teenagers who will do evenings and your DC will be ok once they know them. Live for you. Don't allow yourself to slide down because you feel like you are trapped.

And make sure he pays half of all childcare and does half of all housework (or pays for half a cleaner). Life's too short to be this miserable

@Legseleven1990 you are absolutely right. Work is much easier than being a SAHP. It's like working from home. People think it's the dream but if you're home all day without adult company it's bloody hard.

The OP has one persons adult company for a couple of hours and he's with the children. I couldn't do it.

Maybe as a SAHP if you've got other mums at school/nursery of family close by it's ok. Otherwise it's torture. Work is a doddle in comparison.

And for me work is also a doddle in comparison to housework unless you have a very solo and physically monotonous job. Cleaning up all day after two small children? God. It's bad enough with a dog.

For me work is much harder and a challenge compared to boring monotony of housework/childcare. Not sure what jobs you have to say work is easier.

@PlanDeRaccordement

For me work is much harder and a challenge compared to boring monotony of housework/childcare. Not sure what jobs you have to say work is easier.

Its the lack of challenge that makes SAHP hard. Its long, boring and monotonous, thankless, looked down upon and there's next to no social side or stimulating conversation. If you look back I didn't say working was easier, I said it provided a mental break that was needed. I'm a nurse by trade, and I would in no way say its an easy job, but I found being SAHP harder. Mentally and emotionally I found it tougher than work ever was, its not meant in the sense I did less work at work if you can see what I mean. At work, I'm not Jack's mum, I'm legseleven. I've a sense of self, and purpose. I've work friends, I've and interesting job. I've interesting things to talk about when I get home. I've a sense of contributing, I've a sense of being independent and have a life of my own as well as being a mother. At the minute being a SAHP I have none of that. That's not to say that being a working parent is easy, its not, I've done that too and it's exhausting and hard in different ways. None of its easy. I don't think its fair to say SAHP have it easy and don't need the break as much as a working parent.

@Pollyandted

Well that couldn't have gone worse. I've been looked at and spoken to like shit on my first day. Maybe it is for the best I don't bother after all, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Deflated.

By staff, managers or public op?

@dottiedodah

I feel Im against the grain here ,but I think you would be unfair to take the job and DH miss Football really .Both my DH and DS love watching and playing (DH is in his 50s BTW!) Can you not get out more on your own ? Maybe a weekday job or evenings would be better .DH sounds like a goodun Helping you with shopping and DC and so on .Let him have time out .

He's 'good' for 'helping' with the shopping and childcare. Fuck me, your misogyny is terrifying.

The DH gets 6 days a week doing a job and two hobbies that he wants to do, leaving the OP to cope alone and refusing to compromise despite her worsening mental health.

When she raised the job with him he assumed she would sort out childcare to facilitate his hobby rather than getting off his arse and parenting his children to enable her to work like she enables him to

Give the bloke a medal for 'helping'

@Pollyandted

Well that couldn't have gone worse. I've been looked at and spoken to like shit on my first day. Maybe it is for the best I don't bother after all, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Deflated.

Im assuming youre in retail? That's pretty much par for the course for any MW or NMW jobs tbh.

@Pollyandted

Well that couldn't have gone worse. I've been looked at and spoken to like shit on my first day. Maybe it is for the best I don't bother after all, that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Deflated.

What was the job? I assume retail with the hours - retail IS shit at the moment, for everyone unfortunately. Masks, rules, restrictions and lots of tension.

Oh @Pollyandted

What happened? Do you want to talk about it?
Don't let a rocky start out you off - give it time

@dottiedodah rtft

...but I think you would be unfair to take the job and DH miss Football really..Can you not get out more on your own ? She's working to put money in the family pot, he's kicking a ball about. Why do his needs count for more?
Maybe a weekday job yeah cos school hours jobs are ten a penny, her youngest can just go in a cupboard or evenings would be better . Amazing idea, she can work at the same time as DH and both kids can go in the cupboard together!!!
DH sounds like a goodun Helping you with shopping and DC and so on . You mean the kids HE fathered and the food HE eats??
Let him have time out . Yeah op, he's a man, he's so much more important then you.

I can only assume Dottie that you're husband would never have put you before his football and considered anything he did in the house as helping you out at your job, because you were the good little wifey who did it all on merit of your vagina