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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to give up football so I can work?

354 replies

Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 21:38

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 03/10/2020 12:10

I had an established routine pre-children that included a long standing hobby. I sacrificed my warning potential and hobby so he could continue to work the shifts he liked and was used to
But that was pre children. If it meant so much to you, then you should have looked at him doing different shifts do you could continue to do it.

Can't you find away to do that hobby again?

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 12:12

Can't you find away to do that hobby again?

Not at the moment no. When both children are in nursery I can.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 03/10/2020 12:12

It seems that the better solutuon would be for you to look at doing your hobby on Saturdays, and look for a job during M-F hours when your youngest starts nursery.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 12:13

@dontdisturbmenow

It seems that the better solutuon would be for you to look at doing your hobby on Saturdays, and look for a job during M-F hours when your youngest starts nursery.
I can see why that looks like a good option, but I've already taken the job (after asking him directly whether it would be manageable and being told yes, take it)
OP posts:
tenlittlecygnets · 03/10/2020 12:14

Work is more important than a hobby. You need to talk to him.

Do you get time to pursue a hobby yourself?

SnuggyBuggy · 03/10/2020 12:15

He's not obliged to give up his hobby, he could try to find someone to watch the children. I bet the responses would be different if it was cycling.

tenlittlecygnets · 03/10/2020 12:16

Sounds like he's already had years of playing football -imagine if you had that time to yourself not! Does he think this is fair?

He can always take up football again later...

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 12:18

I could have found a new hobby to do on Saturdays as suggested, but I prioritised family time as there was already so little of it. In hindsight I should have put myself first in that respect.

It's got to the point now though that I need to go back to work for the sake of my sanity. Being a SAHP is lovely for a while but you lose your sense of self. It may not earn me a fortune but it's a sense of independence, time away from the children and the few hundred extra per month will be very helpful with Christmas coming.

OP posts:
BubblyBarbara · 03/10/2020 12:19

He already gets to be out of the house for a FT job

If going out every day to deal with traffic jams and office politics is considered such a luxury maybe she should take on the full time job for the fun of it and let him be a SAHP

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 12:20

@BubblyBarbara

He already gets to be out of the house for a FT job

If going out every day to deal with traffic jams and office politics is considered such a luxury maybe she should take on the full time job for the fun of it and let him be a SAHP

He works a 15 minute walk down the road so doesn't have to deal with traffic jams. He doesn't work in an office, its a relaxed environment and he works alongside a good friend whos company he enjoys.
OP posts:
Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 12:21

I have actually suggested before that he be the SAHP and I will go out to work and the mere suggestion of it pissed him off. He doesn't want to be a SAHP. He likes having time away from the children to mix with other adults.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 03/10/2020 12:22

Haven’t rtft but have read all of OP’s posts so apologies if this has been suggested.

Given your eldest goes to nursery two days a week wouldn’t it be the best for you to put the youngest into nursery those two days so that you can go to work? As you say it’s not about the money the work will pay for the two days of childcare until he is eligible for the two year funding and then you’ll be established and can take advantage of the extra income then.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 12:22

He knows as well as I do that being a SAHP is mundane and thankless. It's not something he would ever consider doing.

OP posts:
Thomasina79 · 03/10/2020 12:22

I think that making an assumption that your mum could have your children is massively selfish on his part. Not reasonable that she should be expected to give up every Saturday. My adult children would never assume such a thing. I would think he could play football another time? It is draining to have children 24/7 and he needs to realise this and share the load, particularly as you need to work and it is not exactly playtime for you!

BeTheHokeyMan · 03/10/2020 12:22

God he sounds like an exhausting man child op you must have the patience of a saint to put up with him

dottiedodah · 03/10/2020 12:23

Apart from working ,I am at a loss to understand why you cannot go out for a couple of hours Sat /Sun aft ? Surely this would be better than making him give up his hobby, he is bound to become resentful surely?Are there no other hours in the weekday/evenings you could work? As you say you are not desperate for the money ,so I would not go for this arrangement sorry.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/10/2020 12:23

Ultimately, if he was desperate, he could look for a babysitter for the hours where his football and you working clashes.

Assuming that you'd be fine with that and that it would be less money in the pot.

AlternativePerspective · 03/10/2020 12:24

Also, it does sound as if you haven’t communicated with each other. While you might be wanting him to give up his football so you can go back to work, why didn’t you have an actual conversation around knowing he’d need to give up football if you went back to work?

You asked him if that would fit in around his work but you just assumed about the football.

And presumably he assumed you’d be asking your mum to have the DC because you didn’t mention to him that he would be the one looking after the kids, after all, you knew he wouldn’t be there.

Porridgeoat · 03/10/2020 12:25

Ask him to resolve childcare issue as Its your working day

Rosebel · 03/10/2020 12:28

Your husband sounds really selfish. How can he put his hobby above you working? You have already given up things so he can work but he won't do the same.
I would just go to work, especially now you have the job and let him get on with it. If he really wants to play football he can sort it out.
I bet when you are at home you sort out the children and don't expect him to come home from work.

Legseleven1990 · 03/10/2020 12:28

@converseandjeans

polly I don't understand why you have to stay home. I would have loved to, but couldn't afford to. I don't see why the only option if you stay home or he stays home. Just use a nursery/childminder. Then you're both out at work in the week and can split the weekends up/spend time as a family.

When mine were tiny DP had season ticket so was gone long hours on a Saturday and also played Sundays. He now involves DS in everything & runs DS team etc...

It's obvious you resent his footie - find yourself a hobby on a different day and go do something too. Then you'll both have something to do.

Seriously you can't understand how somebody's circumstances are different than your own?

I'm a SAHP and as much as I love my kids, I would love to be back at work. But the cost of childcare for 3 kids is £600 plus due to where we live we would need to run a second car. Both of which combined would be more than my wages, therefore its cheaper for me to be at home and we can't afford for both of us to be working (we have taken it turns, me working while dh sahp and currently vice versa - which I think is why we work well because both of us know how hard it is being at home).

The only way we would bring in any money would be by doing what the OP is trying to do, and working when her DH is home otherwise childcare cancels out (or in our case costs more) the wages.

ibblebibbledibble · 03/10/2020 12:31

Sorry I haven’t read everything so this may has probably been discussed. But if you did a couple of days and used nursery for those days, you could claim the cost of that back through universal credit ( well 80% of the cost I think it is). I’m presuming that if you are eligible for the 2 year funding you are also eligible for UC?
I did weekend working quite a few years back and just found it really hard as we just had no family time.
If you haven’t looked into how much of the childcare costs you could claim I really recommend if.

Trumpeditnow · 03/10/2020 12:35

** He works 10pm until 8am

Can you not work 4 hour shifts in the week OP if your husband doesn’t start work till 10pm.

I think it would be best for your husband to work day shifts. I was going to suggest you could look for evening/night work.

I wouldn’t recommend your husband working all week and then you working at the weekend unless you will start very early and then you will be back by a decent hour.

Sitt · 03/10/2020 12:39

His (not your) first port of call for babysitting could be the nursery that your daughter goes to. Some of the staff at my children’s nursery will do babysitting and they will be qualified and will know your daughter’s needs already

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 12:39

I would prefer he works days but he's not prepared to, he is used to nights now having worked this way for years and doesn't want to take a drop in income.

I also can't see him getting up any earlier than he does at the moment.

It sounds easy in theory but I assure you it isn't for me.

I've been looking for a part time job for months and this is the first one that has come up that fits around his work, it just so happens it doesn't fit around the hobby aswell.

OP posts: