To want him to give up football so I can work?

[Pollyandted]

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

It will also look terrible for me to now tell my employer I can no longer do the job.

I want the job, I really do.

I have to go now but I'll check back tonight.

Thank you for all of the advice and suggestions.

At the end of the day your DH is very selfish he refuses to change of course it's likely to be linked to his suspect ASD.

Ultimately he does not want to compromise anything and expects you to do all the parenting. It's likely you will live parallel lives because he won't change his job or sacrifice hobbies, he won't even cut down on gaming to spend time as a family at the weekend....

Sounds pretty miserable for you

There are ways for it to work for the OP to have the job she so clearly needs and wants and for him to get football.

But all involve him compromising on something. And it is clear he doesnt want to compromise on anything

OP this is his choice now to decide how he wants to facilitate you working. Dont back down if he resents you it is not your fault - its life that he cant keep on going as he was before

And good luck I hope you enjoyed it.

And make sure he doesnt leave for football tomorrow anyway

Stick to your new job OP. You have made ALL the sacrifices for the family, now it's his turn to actually be a parent. Ignore all the crap on here about why can't you do this, that and the other. Your solution is the only feasible one. Good luck on your new job!

Yeah there are serious communication issues and simmering resentment here. That message you sent to him resembles something you’d send to a coworker, not a husband (not that I’m blaming you, just commenting on the cold state of affairs). This is clearly going to be a problem irrespective of this particular issue.

I think he’s become very comfortable with the set up you have - and even though work isn’t a load of fun all the time, it really can be ‘easier’ than being a SAHM (especially with a SEN child). At the same time, a decades long hobby can genuinely become an essential part of someone’s identity. I personally don’t think it’s fair to ask him to drop that.

The solution is that he has to do everything possible to find a babysitter, even if it means trying multiple ones that gel with your older child. Even if it’s a cost. You need to get out of the house and have some independence (however brief and small the initial takings).

@dontdisturbmenow

I will admit to resenting the hobby, primarily because it's just more time away from home that I don't get So instead of looking at ways to have time for yourself, you've decided to take a job, despite not needing the money for 4h each day just so that he doesn't get to enjoy something that means a lot to him?

In 6 months time, you youngest will be at nursery too, so you'll have you two days for yourself whilst he will have none and had to give up something he has long been committed to.

I think your attitude really stink. He didn't mention the childcare because he never thought you'd be do callous as planning this he so he'd had to give up something you've resented him for for a long time.

What a spiteful thing to do. You could have looked for an 8h shift on Saturday only. It would have worked for both, but it was all about making him give up the football. I feel really sorry for your oh.

Her attitude stinks?

He works nights, meaning she has every night with the kids on her own, and she has the kids all day on her own while he sleeps. She has told him she desperately wants to go back to work, can he work a day job so they can both work and leave weekends free for them both. He refused. He leave the house at 10 every night, isnt home until 8 in the morning, goes to bed all day, gets up at 6.30pm to have dinner then doesnt help op to get the kids to bed then goes to work again. Due to travelling his hobby takes up most of Sunday, he won't compromise by even finding a closer club or going to one on an evening instead. Saturdays are therefore their only family time that they spend together. Even if op worked her 4 hours on a Saturday, they would still get this time.

In the meantime OPs mental health is suffering so much she has been going to counselling. The only time she can work is around his work schedule which despite being able to, he refuses to change to accommodate them both working. Working is not just for money, but for our mental health, sense of self and purpose.

She has enabled his lifestyle but is at breaking point. He is able to help but refuses. The attitudes of some of the women on here are shocking.

Why can't he sort out childcare during football for 6 months so that OP can work until children are both in nursery then she can swap jobs?
Why can't he swap to a better work schedule that allows them both to work but also leaves the weekends free for family time and his hobby?

Why can't he change to a closer club or a club with evening matches so they can both work and have is hobby?

There are any number of options available where they can both work, he can have his hobby and they still have family time but he is being completely selfish. I can't get over the amount of people bashing the OP here when in reality all it would take is a bit of compromise from her DH. After all, he may have been playing football for years, but only because op has been enabling it. He may be out working, but only because the op is enabling it.

@Pollyandted

it would be more comparable if you had been doing a class for years and he suddenly announced that he had agreed to change his hours with his boss that were better for him so he expected you to just stopped going

I had an established routine pre-children that included a long standing hobby. I sacrificed my warning potential and hobby so he could continue to work the shifts he liked and was used to.

Why did you sacrifice? Can women please STOP doing this. It really pisses me off.

If you want to be a SAHM mum you do it willingly, consciously, knowing the repercussions on your earning potential and isolation. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. If you do it begrudgingly or because there’s no other choice, you make that clear - that you’re not genuinely happy with the arrangement, that you remain frustrated with the partner having their work and hobbies, and that you will expect some sacrifices from them as soon as it is possible. Not simmering resentment which basically destroys a relationship,

In some ways it’s akin to my mum saying to me ‘oh we sacrificed this and this for you when you were younger, I had no time for myself and spent my youth looking after you, we struggled so much, and now you don’t want to do X and Y for us’. WHY did you “sacrifice”? I really dislike that word and it’s implications because it’s such an unhealthy way of managing relationships.

@dontdisturbmenow

There's no leeway for me to work around that during the week But you could have looked for an 8h Saturday job rather than 4h each day, or at least the 4h on Sunday being at a different time to his football.

Yes, because thats how job hunting works 🙄

@dontdisturbmenow

Imagine me saying to him he has to take a day off work so I can go to the gym/rekindle my love for cycling/spend a few hours wandering around the shops because it's good for my mental health

But that's not the same. His routine is established. It would be more comparable if you had been doing a class for years and he suddenly announced that he had agreed to change his hours with his boss that were better for him so he expected you to just stopped going. All because he resented you going because say he didn't like that you were getting slimmer.

The issue here is that you admitted that the you just wanted him to stop playing football and this decision means you get what YOU wanted.

What a load of bollocks.

Personally, I think the OP is confusing what she wants. What’s the primary goal here?

Is it:

• to have time out for yourself, make some income, exercise some independence
• for your DH to sacrifice something meaningful to him? To feel what it’s like to lose something you enjoy, in the same way that you have sacrificed for three years?

Imo this is more about the latter.

I can see why that looks like a good option, but I've already taken the job (after asking him directly whether it would be manageable and being told yes, take it)

Yes, people seem to be missing this part. You made plans and accepted the job based on him having told you that you could take it, with no reason to believe there was going to be alternative childcare available other than him. A lot of the responses criticising you read like he said no at the first stage of discussion.

Can they go with him?

I’m a rugby player and my son comes to training and matches.

I don’t know why so many people are telling you to find a different job, have they not noticed how terrible the job market is right now, especially for someone who has been out of work for a while.

Late to the party here and probably asking an obvious question but do you and your husband ever actually talk about anything? There seems to be a lot of assumptions on his part, and noble sacrifices on your part.

You are definitely doing the lions share of childcare here op with your dp having this hobby. My dp recently took up fishing but rather than feel aggrieved every half day he spends fishing I get the equivalent time off for myself. I had to demand this, you should do the same. So he goes fishing Saturday mornings for say 5 hours and I either claim Saturday afternoon or 5 hours on Sunday to clock off from childcare. No point feeling resentful if you haven't asked for this? Of course if you have, and he refused, he's being a twat. Time off to pursue your own interests or just chill is not a crime in itself. Infact I think it's essential. I hear what people say about it being hard to find a weekday job but I think that you working on a weekend will make it near impossible for either of you to do this, which would be a shame.

@simonJT
I used to play for a ladies football team and many team members used to bring babies in pushchairs and small kids, supervised by the subs and coaching staff whilst on the pitch. As a single mum of a 6 Yr old dd I had to bring her more often than not and she loved it!

I've not read the whole thread but why does football take all weekend?
I mean he plays football so a couple of hours or so so can your mum help with that ?
It's unreasonable of him to think you work but he still has his weekend to himself , but it's not unreasonable of him to want a couple of hours for his hobby .

I would think that Saturday afternoons weren't available to work because husband has a long standing hobby which he had always done at that time. I guess this view will be unpopular.

If you want to be a SAHM mum you do it willingly, consciously, knowing the repercussions on your earning potential and isolation. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. If you do it begrudgingly or because there’s no other choice, you make that clear - that you’re not genuinely happy with the arrangement, that you remain frustrated with the partner having their work and hobbies, and that you will expect some sacrifices from them as soon as it is possible. Not simmering resentment which basically destroys a relationship
Exactly that.

I think many woman contemplate bring a sahm as getting the best deal. They look forward to it Andare happy to let their partner deal with the pressure of financially supporting the famiky.

Then they realise that being a sham is not all they'd imagine and start resenting their partner for what they now deem to be the better deal. Then they make a point of convincing everyone that they made all the sacrifices and therefore are owed to do what they want now regardless of the impact on their partner.

I totally agree with the above. If you don't want and never wanted to be a sahp, don't become one. Don't give up something that matters greatly to.tou unless there are absolutely no other solutions.

Don't go with something that you think is unfair whilst brewing resentment until you decide that it's ok to be selfish because you deserve it.

If someone decides to make a change to the status quo, it is their responsibity to consider the impact on others. OP should have raised from the start that her looking for weekend work would mean him having to give up football.

@Pollyandted

I'll be working every weekend Saturday and Sunday 4 hours per shift

It's not an incredible amount of money but it will be helpful. My main motivation for wanting the job isn't the money, more so regaining a sense of independence.

During the week when he's working I do everything in the home: cooking, cleaning, childcare etc.

He does pull his weight when he's off work: cooking, doing his bit with the children, coming with me to do the food shopping etc.

Hours fixed? Or is it possible he can move club/group or you your shift so the 4 hours dont overlap?

I can't believe the number of people who are demanding to know why the OP hasn't further twisted herself into a pretzel trying to accommodate the selfish wanker she's married to.

He works nights with a buddy because he wants to and has refused to consider a day shift or to go part-time so the OP could also go part time during the week.

He sleeps all day.

He moans if he has to watch the kids for a bit between waking up and going to work.

He plays football on Sundays (Hobby 1) and is useless after he works; too tired to 'help' apparently, and often falls asleep when he gets home from playing.

When he's awake at home, he's gaming (Hobby 2).

OP has nothing but 24/7 childcare.

Can't afford care during the week.

Is in counselling her own MH is so poorly.

Has no money of her own.

And now people are demanding to know how she could be so horrible to expect him to watch his own damn kids on Sunday so she can work.

FFS.

Frankly, OP, you'd be better off single and forcing him to take the children at weekends to get you a real break. You'd be entitled to more help, too.

@Totickleamockingbird

Time for him to do what you did for him.

Foster resentment for a few years then change his work hours to clash with her hobby time?

@SimonJT

im pretty sure OP said that the kids are 3 and 18 months old

It's oh so easy on a forum to say don't become a sahp. However we all know that generally it is the woman who still picks up most of the family chores, wifework etc so they get the bonus of 2 jobs. Meanwhile the men, who of course are earning more, continue with their weekend hobbies and want a medal when they 'help' look after their own children.

IMO it is very clear from this thread that having children has not impacted on the DH's husband very much at all, and he won't change things for the family. Many many women choose not to do their own hobbies at the weekend as they want family time - that is what having a family is about. Time after time we see threads where the men are working full time and therefore have to have the weekend off to pursue their hobby for their mental health and wellbeing. It is absolutely no wonder that people split up once the kids leave home, by this point women have had enough.

OP, good luck with your job. Your DH needs to sort Sunday childcare, just leave him to it, do not sort if for him.

OP please take the job, you can't pander to his rigidity forever.

Don't make leaving him to find a babysitter a point of principle though. If he will simply not do so then a bit of effort here from you will help you make this a viable compromise. I do agree that you shouldn't have to but you know him well.

You need to start getting some independence back for your own mental health by the sounds and a weekend job sounds the best solution since he works nights.

But I am wondering too why the kids can't go along (maybe DS's SEN would make it tricky for him to be left watching)? i used to have to go along to my dad's hobby club every weekend without fail for years, all day on Sundays.

To PPs saying she went into SAHP'ing with her eyes open and should stick it out, well, I've gone into every job with open eyes but don't necessarily want to stay forever. Sometimes we start something with the best of intentions but realise that we need more or it's not working (not talking about having kids, OP, just being at home all the time). Nothing wrong in making a change to improve your situation.

No @Elsewyre
Give up his own passion for at least until OP gets back on her feet. She was at home, raising their kids and having no hobbies of her own, when he was playing football for many many years.
Why do you think it’s unfair?