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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Homesick DD locked down in uni room

365 replies

RollercoasterRita · 02/10/2020 12:43

We took our DD to university in the middle of September. She was excited and full of hope. Now due to someone in her halls of residence being tested positive for COVID, her whole floor has been locked down in their tiny rooms with food parcels being delivered to outside their doors. Totally understand the precautions which need to be taken, but my baby girl is lonely and scared and homesick and I just want to drive up there and get her. I feel so helpless....

OP posts:
Poppingnostopping · 02/10/2020 15:24

I have quite a few students in self-isolation, but it is a little different if they are second and third years and isolating within their friendship households, I mean, that's why it's spreading so quickly!

Those saying bring her home- I think the issue there is whether there's anyone vulnerable in your own household, and whether you can afford (e.g. for work reasons) to all self-isolate for 10 days or two weeks after that. Or if your dd could self-isolate in your own home. Saying well she won't have corona as it was just one person in the flat might be true, or it might not, our rates have more than tripled in one week, exponential spread and all that, so it's extremely likely unless caught early that one person hasn't passed it on.

Students are super-spreaders, possibly more so than young children, as they seem to get it at the same rate as older adults, but they are often asymptomatic as well as really sociable.

A first year is a bit of a different proposition to an older student who already has friends and networks and knows how the studying works as well.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 02/10/2020 15:25

@userxx

This is the type of bonkersness that makes people think it is worse than it is. It's not Alcatraz she is in. Hysterical nonsense.

Exactly, a lad i know at uni has tested positive along with many others, he's spending his time watching films with his mates. He's a bit bored but is just getting on with it.

But he's allowed outside his room and is able to form a bubble with his housemates. OP's daughter isn't, she's completely alone. There's a huge difference!
Mochudubh · 02/10/2020 15:26

Bear in mind that depending on what type of Halls she is in you may not be able to get anywhere near her. Uni owned halls are sometimes on a self-contained site and I imagine there will be checks at the entrance to ensure no unauthorised people are coming in (sounds draconian but makes sense in trying to contain the virus.

Private halls it may be easier to get to see her if she can come to the door.

Student support at the Uni should be organising food etc. Encourage her to keep in contact with others as far as is allowed, maybe reach out (much as i normally hate that expression) to students who may be a lot further from home for mutual support.

AngelicInnocent · 02/10/2020 15:26

DD is in the same position, along with many of her friends at various universities across the country.

They have got video chats going on, work to do and they are writing long messages in their group chats about how they met, where they saw themselves etc.

Have to say DDs accommodation has been the best of the bunch. They have organised quizzes and group chats within the halls, team games etc to help them all bond while isolated.

2bazookas · 02/10/2020 15:28

@ChaChaCha2012

If she is struggling with her mental health and you are concerned for her wellbeing, then that is a valid reason to move during self isolating. You'd then need to follow the relevant guidelines as a household.

@2bazookas Telling people to "behave like an adult" could be the final straw for someone in distress. Please think before making such irresponsible comments.

I didn't make any such comment. It's irresponsible of you to misquote me.
DonnaDonna01 · 02/10/2020 15:30

What happened to “be kind” after Caroline Flacks death, many on here have forgotten about it. I’m so sorry for your daughter OP, my son is at uni at the moment, not in lockdown but it is a worry.
The situation we now face with uni’s is entirely down to the government they knew what would happen and had time to put something in place but they did not. Now they’re bumbling their way through.
I’m one for following the rules but if she is really unhappy and you can I would get her and bring her home (Car journey only) but then all your household would have to isolate as well. I do think this is an acceptable compromise.

HotToCold · 02/10/2020 15:31

serialreturner

I am a stickler for the rules but if it was doable, I'd be going to get her.

It's no way to live.

.........

Oh come on, Its not forever!

OP... You cant go and get her.
Your not allowed

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 02/10/2020 15:32

@2bazookas

You're doing her no favours by treating her like a baby.

Encourage her to behave like an adult, to be calm and resilient, get on with her course work.

lol never any middle ground on here is there?

Concerned about your teen daughter being isolated, and away from home for the first time, and worried about her mental health instantly = treating her like a BABY. Its not "treating her like a baby" to be genuinely concerned about your teenage daughter's mental state in this current climate. Its perfectly normal to be concerned and it doesnt in any way indicate any degree of "babying" or "spoiling".

WTF is it with this site? unless you sign your kid up to the army at age 5 and decide no hugs after age 2 and off to boarding school by 18 months you are SPOILING THEM and BABYING THEM!
Noone in real life thinks being concerned or loving your children is some kind of moral flaw.

DishingOutDone · 02/10/2020 15:34

@2bazookas

You're doing her no favours by treating her like a baby.

Encourage her to behave like an adult, to be calm and resilient, get on with her course work.

Some posters are pushing the "quote" button @2bazookas so how are they misquoting you?

I do treat my DD like an adult. An adult I love and care for and whom I want to support to succeed. Luckily she isn't in a "lock down" area, its normal for her to come home a couple of times before Christmas but if she was in an area like that and it was affecting her mental health then I would go and get her or do whatever was needed to help. I don't treat my kids as if they are nuisance, your comment (as quoted above) was sneery and full of contempt.

Dancingwithdaftness · 02/10/2020 15:35

No the reasons it’s going on and on is because it is a virus that is easily communicable, has almost no ill effects to the vast majority and we shouldn’t lock everyone up, crash the economy and vastly constrain people’s lives for an indefinite period.

Agree 100% with this. I would go and get her too.

notacooldad · 02/10/2020 15:35

She’s not a baby...she’ll survive just fine for a short isolation
This
She is in two weeks isolation and not in a trenches, stateless or fleeing a disaster. Presumably she has a computer so she can face time,study, face book, order on line, binge watch box sets, exercise from YouTube.
It is not a great situation but it will help develop resilience.
If you are fawning and pitying her she will feel bad.
In your shies I would be watching some if the same things so you chat, order her some nice things on line and also be chipper about the situation.
I dont want to go down the 4 yorkshire men route but I've not seen my parents since March. They are shielding because of health conditions as things seemed to ease my town went into lockdown. This young person will be fine with a positive attitude and positive people in touch with her.

Sparklingbrook · 02/10/2020 15:37

Encouraging a scared, lonely teenager to be 'calm' and 'resilient'. If only it were that quick and easy. Hmm

WouldBeGood · 02/10/2020 15:37

Just go and get her

corythatwas · 02/10/2020 15:39

I'm pretty sure if I found myself quarantining in a strange place my dd would be planning for ways to cheer me up and making sure I was ok. I'm 56, I don't need babying, but I do appreciate kindness.

IwishIwasyoda · 02/10/2020 15:41

Hey OP - it's a shitty time for students and for first years. Only you and DD can decide what's best in these circumstances. It sounds bloody grim if she is having absolutely no face to face contact with anyone. Please don't minimise the mental health impact either. I would like to see some of these posters who are saying 'man up' and 'its only 2 weeks' do this - on their own, tiny room, not necessarily getting food she likes, strange place, no contact other than electronic. I struggled when we had to isolate as a family in March- and that was with DH and DS. Felt like we had been released from prison. Send a parcel and some lovely surprises and make time to talk and if DD is deteriorating - go get her

bendmeoverbackwards · 02/10/2020 15:48

I heard an interesting statistic the other day - roughly 70 covid related deaths in a certain period, I forget how long. TWICE the number of suicides in the same period. Says it all really Sad

HotToCold · 02/10/2020 15:49

The people saying
‘Fuck the rules’

Really?

Millions of people have been in isolation for months and months

Im going into my 7th month!!!!!

This is 2 weeks!!!

HotToCold · 02/10/2020 15:50

IF she is has mental health issues, going to hurt herself, suicidial ,
Then thats different

If just bored and lonely and sad.
Its not the end of the world

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 02/10/2020 15:51

@Blue565

Try to encourage her to keep her chin up, try and crack on with her uni work and see how she gets on.

If she is still really struggling then to be honest

Family > Rules

This in spades.

What's the worst that would happen? You may get a £200 fine for breaching lockdown rules. Her mental health is worth more than that.

cuparfull · 02/10/2020 15:54

@2bazookas

You're doing her no favours by treating her like a baby.

Encourage her to behave like an adult, to be calm and resilient, get on with her course work.

Absolutely this. Time to grow up and take responsibility. Send flowers, daily treats, parcels zoom calls. Encourage her to study, but please don't baby her. It will pass. Reminds me of boarding school days when people fell ill.
intheenddoesitreallymatter · 02/10/2020 15:56

@HotToCold

IF she is has mental health issues, going to hurt herself, suicidial , Then thats different

If just bored and lonely and sad.
Its not the end of the world

The ignorance of this is astounding.

How do you think mental health issues, going to hurt yourself and suicidal start?

You don't wake up one morning and decide you're depressed and you want a way out.

It's a drip-feed that starts with bored and lonely and sad and each day it gets worse and worse.

The scariest part is that there is never one particular day where it jumps it gradually builds until there's no going back. To some people that might be months; to others it may be two weeks.

Feelings aren't a weakness, tell someone who is bored and lonely and sad that it's not the end of the world and see how that makes them feel. See what that does.

It means next time they won't reach out and it's a helpless spiral that never ends well.

IdblowJonSnow · 02/10/2020 15:57

Can u zoom with her a couple of times a day?
I was really homesick, it was awful, nevermind covid on top.
My parents weren't really there for me though. You being emotionally available to her will make a huge difference.
Can you do a book club together? Encourage her to crack on with her work while shes on lockdown, then she can not have to do that for a bit after lockdown. Truly awful times for so many people.

unmarkedbythat · 02/10/2020 15:59

Oh, god, if I am glad of anything in this life it is that I didn't have a pair of harrumphing "chin up and get on with it a little suffering is good for you" types as parents. Sometimes it feels like a lot of people on this site are trying to get an award for being a hardarse.

OP, unless her MH is very, very bad and you're concerned enough to think she might need to see MH professionals otherwise, I don't think what you describe warrants going against the restrictions in place and travelling to get her. But of course you are concerned and care! You love her and this is her first time away from home and it's all been a load of horrible bollocks, why would she not be upset, why would her upset not bother you? I would in your shoes stay in as close contact with her by phone/ text/ etc as she was happy with, and send her any packages etc the restrictions allowed that I could afford, and let her know it is OK to be afraid and stressed and upset and you are there to listen.

Serin · 02/10/2020 16:02

Our DD is in exactly the same position OP.
She is post grad and is well experienced at living independently but even so is finding things tedious. She is in an 8foot by 10foot room on the seventh floor.
No wifi yesterday.
She has already been locked down for 10 days and should be able to go out soon but yet another student has been diagnosed positive. There are no assurances that they wont have to restart quarantine all over again.
The realisation that they could be locked up for months is starting to hit.
Angry

notacooldad · 02/10/2020 16:03

Encouraging a scared, lonely teenager to be 'calm' and 'resilient'. If only it were that quick and easy.
It not easy but it's not going to help having a parent who is all upset who just wants to go and pick her up. The op hasn't said the person has mental health or anxiety issues so if that is the case it is just ( hopefully two weeks) getting through this.
By chatting and being positive on face time can be reassuring.