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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Homesick DD locked down in uni room

365 replies

RollercoasterRita · 02/10/2020 12:43

We took our DD to university in the middle of September. She was excited and full of hope. Now due to someone in her halls of residence being tested positive for COVID, her whole floor has been locked down in their tiny rooms with food parcels being delivered to outside their doors. Totally understand the precautions which need to be taken, but my baby girl is lonely and scared and homesick and I just want to drive up there and get her. I feel so helpless....

OP posts:
OperationallySound · 02/10/2020 14:07

she doesn't have COVID

How on earth can you say that? It's entirely possible she has covid. Honestly, I can't believe some of the responses on here. I can only assume those of you suggesting that the OP brings her home don't have family members who have had covid. Even young adults can be really ill, and the effects can last for ages.

Thank you for the good wishes upthread.

QueenOllie · 02/10/2020 14:08

I would
FaceTime/zoom
Send a cake/brownie/sweets delivery because cake always makes things better!
If she doesn't have amazon prime maybe suggest/pay for films, free books, deliveries
Maybe something like one of these? https://www.treatboxuk.com/collections/ready-to-go-boxes-of-treats or some new pjs

MyEnormousTurnip · 02/10/2020 14:10

@GoldfishParade

Baby girl? Hmm
My mum still calls me her baby and I’m 42 Grin
Badbadbunny · 02/10/2020 14:15

it will be over in two weeks

May be, maybe not. They may have to go back into isolation again if someone else contracts it just after the 2 week period ends.

The way it is spreading, it could be a succession of 2 week periods.

Thinkingg · 02/10/2020 14:15

It sucks, but it's two weeks. It's not the end of the world. Stay empathetic but positive.

Send her some nice parcels, call her each day if she'd like that, suggest other relatives get in touch, and encourage her to find ways to occupy herself. Maybe buy her a Netflix subscription if she doesn't have one. Or play online boardgames on boardgamearena.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 02/10/2020 14:19

I am a stickler for the rules but if it was doable, I'd be going to get her.
Clearly you aren't a stickler for the rules.

3catsandcounting · 02/10/2020 14:23

Why are people getting so worked up about about a mother calling her daughter 'my baby girl'? It's called a term of endearment, and a way of the OP expressing that even though she's 18 and independent, when it comes to this sort of difficult situation, she's actually still her baby girl.
It's not that hard to comprehend, surely?

Busybrain2020 · 02/10/2020 14:24

I’d go and get her. Fuck the rules when they involve basically imprisoning young people in solitary confinement. I would never allow this to happen to my child.

Mamabear12 · 02/10/2020 14:24

It’s two weeks, not a lifetime! Encourage her to use the time wise. Get on with her studies. Read books, watch movies. FaceTime w family and friends. It’s not all bad! Make plans for all she wants to do when the two weeks Quarantine is done. It sucks yes, but this is what has to be done. So make the most of it.

Letsgetgoing123 · 02/10/2020 14:26

@Busybrain2020

I’d go and get her. Fuck the rules when they involve basically imprisoning young people in solitary confinement. I would never allow this to happen to my child.
She’s an adult, not a little kid! They’re supposed to be standing on their own 2 feet- it’s 2 weeks!! They’re all in the same boat!
Wakeoff · 02/10/2020 14:27

Sorry to hear this OP, the first few weeks of uni are usually pretty hard anyway, let alone at the moment. I think the best thing is just to be there for her when she needs to talk, video call and let her know she can phone you whenever and have a chat. If she doesn't have a netflix or other streaming platform account maybe you could pay for one for a month? The weather is supposed to be a bit rubbish, if you can order stuff could you send a little package of a blanket, some hot chocolate etc? Sounds simple, but having some home comforts does make a difference when you're homesick.

Wakeoff · 02/10/2020 14:28

She’s an adult, not a little kid! They’re supposed to be standing on their own 2 feet- it’s 2 weeks!! They’re all in the same boat!

Give her some time, don't know if the OP has said but she could be 18 and it's her first time away from home, that can be hard. Yes they are all in the same boat, and all might be struggling.

Friendsoftheearth · 02/10/2020 14:30

I would be encouraging her to ride it out, to prove to herself that she is strong and resilient, and she has plenty of time to study. However if she has fragile MH or a history of any MH issues I would be collecting her ASAP, and she can quarantine at home - and complete her studies remotely.

The worry is not the two weeks quarantine, it is the relentless quarantine that concerns me. Of one student after another bursting the bubble, and then it becomes never ending. For now I would be cheering her on with phone calls/face time (if she wants them) flowers for her room and a care package to keep her going.

JKRowlingIsMyQueen · 02/10/2020 14:31

For gods sake locking up anyone in a room and not letting them go out is horrific and unlawful. Even criminals in prison can leave their cell!!! This is fascism. Get her out and SUE.

Poppingnostopping · 02/10/2020 14:32

Remember- lots of first years struggle in the first few weeks of term anyway with homesickness, not liking their hall/housemates, feeling isolated and many don't like their course. We have drop out every year anyway, Covid-19 is just exaggerating these issues because students aren't able to go onto campus much (if at all depending on the campus) to relieve the boredom. The idea their lives would be a social whirl and they would be making life-long friends isn't quite how it is for many in those early days.

So hard. I would weigh up mental health and I do think it makes a difference if the dd is vulnerable already, or if it seems like she's very distressed. You have to evaluate your message to the situation! For those saying-I'd go and get her, fine if you are happy to be exposed potentially to corona.

I cannot stress enough how much corona is spreading through ordinary household contact with students and how many are asymptomatic, and sitting in a car for a long journey home would be an ideal way to transmit the virus.

bendmeoverbackwards · 02/10/2020 14:35

Like OPs daughter, he just has his room

How does it work with using communal toilets/bathrooms?

willloman · 02/10/2020 14:35

2bazookas What they said: bolster her spirits and let her get on with it - 2 weeks will fly.
Time to do readings etc.
Please stick to rules - not funny if superspreader goes into community.

MadinMarch · 02/10/2020 14:35

*Tbh I'm with the person who said she just has to get on with it. You say she is lonely, scared and homesick. For a start you tell her there is nothing to be afraid of, she is in a room getting all her meals delivered to her, I'm not sure what she could be scared of in that situation? What does she think will happen to her?
onely? There have never been more ways to connect with people, social media, forums, video calls, good old fashioned phone calls, text messaging.

Homesick? Prop up your phone or iPad or whatever and chat with her while you are cooking dinner. Watch tv together. Play a game together.

Send her a parcel with some things from home, art supplies etc for something to do. You can buy books, films etc from your bed these days and get them instantly. There is loads she could do to pass the time, it is only 2 weeks.

What won't help is catastrophising the situation and making her feel like it is worse than it is.*

Absolutely this!

I think we all need to be a lot more pragmatic about having to isolate/ quarantine. It's a major nuisance but it's really not the disaster for most students that some are making it out to be.
Encourage her to set up online contact with the others in her block and also her old friends at home. They could set up quizzes on Zoom, and wattsapp each other etc etc.
Think about any suitable new hobbies she could take up such as geneaology, crafting, art, learning a foreign language, gaming, yoga, meditation, etc etc. Maybe send her some doodling books and pens along with other stuff in a parcel.
I think collecting her and taking her home should be a very last resort and only done if you don't need to stop on the way home, and your whole household can genuinely quarantine for the next two weeks, or longer if it turns out that your dd does actually have Covid.

blue25 · 02/10/2020 14:35

@2bazookas

You're doing her no favours by treating her like a baby.

Encourage her to behave like an adult, to be calm and resilient, get on with her course work.

Completely agree
Ocies · 02/10/2020 14:36

This is really tough. As others have said, the first few weeks at uni are hard anyway as they find their feet. I think I would be encouraging resilience - some structure and routine to her day would be good, even if she is stuck in her room. Send her some treats or just some letters or cards would be good as well as video calls.

This may be the first of several lockdowns she has to go through so try and get her through this and then take it from there.

ChloeCrocodile · 02/10/2020 14:37

You are best placed to judge her wellbeing. If she is managing then care packages / chatting through the window / regular phone calls will make it easier. However, if she isn't coping then you can go and get her.

I did 4 days completely alone during lockdown (as in didn't see another human face to face) and my mental health deteriorated really badly. I'm far more frightened of managing 14 days isolation than I am of covid.

1forAll74 · 02/10/2020 14:37

Going to UNI, is a time to grow up, and cope with being away from home, no matter what. I would try and make sure she can get some food, and write a few letters of encouragement from home to her. The written word is much better than texts, and upsetting phone calls. Lots of other students will be in the same predicament, so she can gain some strength from this.

Doliv63 · 02/10/2020 14:40

Oh bless you. It doesn’t matter how old our children are we cannot help caring for them . Can she mix with her bubble? Can you drive and see her to chat through her window? 💐💕

corythatwas · 02/10/2020 14:43

Actually, take that back about driving up with food parcels- sending them is probably better.

And send her some little cheering-up present. Send her a funny text. A meme. Something to laugh at.

This isn't babying, it's the kindly gesture we might all make to a friend who is having a rough time.

When I was finishing my PhD I was ill with an infectious illness for week and isolated in my flat (in an ordinary block of flats so no other students around). My brother who lived nearby brought me food and one day he brought me some tapes that he had made with his own favourite music. Obviously needs and technology have changed since then, but the comfort of a kind gesture hasn't.

CampfireZen · 02/10/2020 14:45

Decorate the actual care package box itself, so she opens up something cheerful...perhaps along these lines (nice inspiration on Pinterest) :

Homesick DD  locked down in uni room