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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Homesick DD locked down in uni room

365 replies

RollercoasterRita · 02/10/2020 12:43

We took our DD to university in the middle of September. She was excited and full of hope. Now due to someone in her halls of residence being tested positive for COVID, her whole floor has been locked down in their tiny rooms with food parcels being delivered to outside their doors. Totally understand the precautions which need to be taken, but my baby girl is lonely and scared and homesick and I just want to drive up there and get her. I feel so helpless....

OP posts:
ChaChaCha2012 · 02/10/2020 13:48

If she is struggling with her mental health and you are concerned for her wellbeing, then that is a valid reason to move during self isolating. You'd then need to follow the relevant guidelines as a household.

@2bazookas Telling people to "behave like an adult" could be the final straw for someone in distress. Please think before making such irresponsible comments.

MajesticWhine · 02/10/2020 13:49

I've already agreed to fetch DD if this happens. Quite a few cases at her uni. Rules or no rules, I wouldn't leave her stranded alone in a strange city. Mental health comes first. And if we all have have to isolate together at home then so be it.

Topseyt · 02/10/2020 13:51

@2bazookas

You're doing her no favours by treating her like a baby.

Encourage her to behave like an adult, to be calm and resilient, get on with her course work.

That is very easy for someone else to say.

My youngest DD has gone to uni this year too. She is doing fine at the moment, but throughout her teenage years she has had serious mental health issues. If something like this were to happen in her halls of residence I would certainly have to seriously consider going to get her if she wanted me to. The potential result of me not doing so does not bear thinking about.

BlusteryShowers · 02/10/2020 13:51

I would be encouraging her to keep positive and have a focus. If she is able to speak to those on her corridor/flat then she should do so and use video calling to speak to others. Encourage her to have a routine just like we did in lockdown with some exercise in her room each day and some work being non negotiable.

Don't break the rules, but do make a plan for her to have a short visit home as soon as the restrictions are lifted so she has something to look forward to.

Remind her that doing hard things is how we get stronger. She absolutely can do this but it'll be made harder by catastrophising and wallowing too much. This too shall pass.

Poppingnostopping · 02/10/2020 13:52

And if we all have have to isolate together at home then so be it, don't you mean if we all get corona, so be it?

She's in an entire floor with at least one person with covid. Household spread in these types of households is really quite dramatic on our campus- one gets it, someone else has it but is asymptomatic, so spreads it to others and so on. Ideally all would get tested, but as Trump has shown (if you believe him ), you can test negative one day, and then get it a few days later.

She might be lucky, lots of my self-isolators don't have symptoms but it's unclear they don't have covid (as public health is not always testing everyone, but only those with symptoms, which I think is a huge mistake in a young population who are mainly asymptomatic/mild symptoms and are very sociable).

Noshowlomo · 02/10/2020 13:54

"Behave like an adult"
How ignorant. There are many adults, probably 1000s, who are struggling this year due to lockdown. Adults are allowed to feel lonely and miss their loved ones.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 02/10/2020 13:55

@2bazookas

You're doing her no favours by treating her like a baby.

Encourage her to behave like an adult, to be calm and resilient, get on with her course work.

Jesus Christ, have a heart.

She's eighteen, she's less than a month out of the family home, in the middle of a global pandemic, confined to essentially a box bedroom with no support network and no friends.

Of course she's distressed and of course her Mum is worried sick. If she can go and get her she should - she doesn't have COVID, is presenting no signs and should at least be allowed to form a bubble with her flatmates. It's getting bloody ridiculous now.

HappilyHoppily · 02/10/2020 13:57

I’m 35 and I damn well hope if I have to isolate (in my nice sized house with my family) that my mum will drop off some treats! Being lonely, bored, homesick are all reasonable things for adults to feel. Ignore those saying tell her to grow up...

Don’t go get her. But do think about the future - this probably won’t be the only time she has to self isolate. If it were me I think I’d be requesting to do the rest of the term online and going home anyway. Or she may want to isolate for two weeks ahead of the Christmas holidays to ensure she’s able to travel.

thebiggestmoose · 02/10/2020 13:57

@2bazookas
Absolutely ! I mean, all adults are calm and resilient and would have no problem being shut in a small room for 2 weeks

The whole "mental health is important "thing didn't last long for some people

akerman · 02/10/2020 13:58

God there are some mean-spirited posts on this thread.
It's not being a 'baby' to feel overwhelmed and homesick in a normal year as a First Year. It's certainly not being a baby to feel very homesick indeed if you are stuck in your room, only able to access teaching online and prevented from going out and meeting people.
We all know why it has to be done, but it doesn't make it any less miserable.
Why slam someone down who's already feeling bad enough?
OP - ask your daughter to reach out to a personal tutor or someone like that. At the very least they may be able to join group chats for the subject and feel some solidarity that there are others in the same boat.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/10/2020 13:58

@RollercoasterRita are they not allowed to mix with anyone on their floor?

Ginkypig · 02/10/2020 13:58

@Eskarina1

2bazookas, during lockdown my 70 year old mum was entirely alone. She really struggled, we had many tearful phone calls. Does she need to grow up? My 40 year old friend ended up moving up, having lived alone since 16. Should she act like an adult? It's not a normal part of the adult experience to be locked in a small room for the majority of the day without seeing other people. It's a perfectly normal, adult, reaction to hate it.
Yes but this is only for 14 day and lockdown was significantly longer, not only that but during it there was no knowledge about and end date just a vague this will last as long as it needs to until we meet certain criteria.

I feel for your dd @RollercoasterRita but it is for only 14 days and while it's not nice it has an end date that she can focus on and she has the ability to talk to people using technology. Tell her It will be over soon and she is kick ass and strong as steel so she will get through it!

ClarencesMum · 02/10/2020 13:59

YANBU, it is barbaric. If you can, I'd go get her.

PinkiOcelot · 02/10/2020 13:59

@2bazookas have you actually got kids? Are you really a mother?! If so, I pity them if that’s your attitude.

SweetPetrichor · 02/10/2020 13:59

She’s not a baby...she’ll survive just fine for a short isolation.

Devlesko · 02/10/2020 14:00

I feel so sorry for students being lockdown, some are only just 18 and away from home for the first time.
What an experience to gain resilience though, and she's hardly your baby.
So for this reason alone YABU, treat her like the adult she is, now.

akerman · 02/10/2020 14:00

Where is she, OP?

Aloethere · 02/10/2020 14:01

Tbh I'm with the person who said she just has to get on with it. You say she is lonely, scared and homesick. For a start you tell her there is nothing to be afraid of, she is in a room getting all her meals delivered to her, I'm not sure what she could be scared of in that situation? What does she think will happen to her?
onely? There have never been more ways to connect with people, social media, forums, video calls, good old fashioned phone calls, text messaging.

Homesick? Prop up your phone or iPad or whatever and chat with her while you are cooking dinner. Watch tv together. Play a game together.

Send her a parcel with some things from home, art supplies etc for something to do. You can buy books, films etc from your bed these days and get them instantly. There is loads she could do to pass the time, it is only 2 weeks.

What won't help is catastrophising the situation and making her feel like it is worse than it is.

Wotsitsarecheesy · 02/10/2020 14:02

My son is in the same boat. He is also in catered halls, so all those posters who think he can still mix with people on his floor - no he can't. Like OPs daughter, he just has his room (3rd floor so can't even communicate through the window), and food parcels to the door. There is no communal area at all, except the bathroom he shares with 1 other.

He is having to isolate as 1 person in his block of about 25 (over 3 floors) has tested positive. When the 14 days is over and they are let out, if another then tests positive they will all have to isolate for another 14 days. In theory, he could be in almost permanent isolation.

He has no idea who has it - or if he has even met them. We think the reson for isolating the whole block is that they use a keypad entry system, so in theory that could have been contaminated.

It's rubbish.

catndogslife · 02/10/2020 14:02

Has the university / Hall of Residence sent out any information to the parents and families of dcs having to self-isolate OP? Is there a parent contact that you can get in touch with to find out more information?
Assuming that your dd is still well and can access classes on-line.
Is there any additional health needs (including mental health) that your dd has that the university staff need to be aware of that would make her more vulnerable? If so then you need to let them know.
I did have some sympathy until you described your dd as "baby girl". She's officially an adult and breaking self-isolating rules would probably mean a fine for all adults involved.

Legit · 02/10/2020 14:03

It's rubbish, but with the internet she can talk to friends and family on Skype or Zoom or whatever anytime she likes. Listen to music, watch TV and films. Get ahead with her university work maybe. She should stick it out.

Poppingnostopping · 02/10/2020 14:05

Wotsits When the 14 days is over and they are let out, if another then tests positive they will all have to isolate for another 14 days. In theory, he could be in almost permanent isolation

That sounds awful! In that situation, if the risk of being in a small room by himself for the whole term is that high, I might wait for the end of the two weeks self-isolation and bring him home at that point. What does he think?

Etinox · 02/10/2020 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Letsgetgoing123 · 02/10/2020 14:07

“What won't help is catastrophising the situation and making her feel like it is worse than it is.”

Agree with this. If they’ve got phones, laptops TVs they’re not cut off. My 16 year old spends pretty much every minute when not at school upstairs in their room anyway contacting friends, revising etc.

It’s not ideal for these students, but if you catastrophise about it it will rub off on them.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 02/10/2020 14:07

Are they locked in their rooms....my son is heading back to uni on 12th October...he is living in a house share though so presumably cant get locked up.

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