To think this is not free time

[chocolatte2020]

I had the day off work today due to annual leave and our dc were with the childminder as they are every Wednesday. I pay for Wednesdays whether I work or if I'm off, so if I'm off work I still send them down and use the time to do something constructive.
I used today to make a start on some Christmas shopping for our dc and family. I always shop for my in-laws as I have the time and work less so I feel it's only fair.
My husband keeps making comments about how much free time I get and how I had all day to myself. I pointed out that I didn't have the day to myself I was doing stuff and he scoffed and said so "you weren't browsing for yourself either I suppose". I was gone 5 hours with two or those hours travel time.
Aibu or should I have been chained to the sink doing the dishes all day. I even left him lunch as he was working from home.

What is this obsession that everybody should be busy all the time?

Of course it's free time, you had a choice of how to use it.

@unmarkedbythat

Of course it's free time, you had a choice of how to use it.

Yes... and like lots of women, wives, she chose to use it shopping for other people. Doing a chore. Wifework.

Why is that do you think?

Why didn't she kick back and spend all day doing nothing useful?

That special guilt the 1950s instilled in women for doing nothing, or not doing everything around the house, being busy, is alive and well and posting on Mumsnet!

Absolutely NOWHERE does the OP say that her DH has asked/demanded/expected that she buy his family's Christmas presents. At all, never mind in September.

There is a ridiculous amount of projection going on in this thread. OP had the option of spending her entire day in front of daytime TV with a mug of coffee and a packet of chocolate digestives. The choice not to do that, but to do something that only she thought needed to be done, was entirely hers. It was her free time to do whatever she wanted and she had a free choice of how to spend it.

Can we stop pretending we’re in some perfect utopia where women have equal domestic expectations on them as men.

Ofc he should buy for his family but he doesn’t. Let’s not blame women any more for being decent grown ups.

It’s men who are responsible for their own lazy inaction and they should be ashamed

That’s exactly what a day off is. It’s fine to have a day off why is he begrudging you this?

@CuriousaboutSamphire, I'm very sorry, I didn't realise I could only post an answer to a question asked by an OP if I included with it an analysis of why she did something and addressed the issues around societal expectations of women

So let me get this right

• if you do a chore, it has to be done at the most inconvenient time after leaving it for as long as possible (like shopping on the 15th December for Christmas shopping). Otherwise, it is a pleasure??

Yu mean that people that are organised and happy to plan ahead to make their life easier only do nice things so they shouod never complain or talki about it. Because it’s pleasure/pleasurable. But the disorganised people who are struggling with it (doig thé same thing) should be rewarded for that and their efforts should be acknowledged. Because it was hard work. How bonkers is that??

And then the but about ‘her DH hasn’t asked her to do that....’
Do you really think he has to? He simply has to do what my DH is doing. Which is nothing. And the start looking panicked 3 days befire Christmas because he has bought nothing for the dcs or his parents. Cue for expecting me to step in because I clearly have to help him and support him as he is such a difficult place
Repeat that a few times and of course, the woman is assuming she has to do it, not the least so that PIL get something decent. And the dcs have à présent worth looking at.
The implication of that comment is that somehow the OP, like a lot of other women??, is just creating work for herself and stepping on what her DH would do anyway is laughable tbh. I don’t know many men who would actually plan ahead for Christmas or birthday present. Either for their parents or their own dcs (and partner). Just read MN and the number thoughtless gifts women receive.

@unmarkedbythat I think you may have misunderstood more than you think. You posted as you wanted to, I replied the same way. Look, here we are still doing it.

Ignore any questions you find inconvenient. It's anonymous, nobody will know it was you

It could’ve been free time, but you used it to do chores that were required by the family. Therefore it changed from free time to work.

I work PT because my husband openly admits he’d rather do the lion share of paid work than do any chores round the house (or out of it, such as food shopping or present buying). He sees the house chores and life admin as adding up to a FT job for me, and rightly fucking so. The fact that cooking, cleaning etc doesn’t really bother me is neither here nor there, it’s work and it needs doing.

And he certainly doesn’t begrudge me if I’ve done all the chores and have a couple of hours of REAL free time to enjoy before picking DC up. That’s because he actually loves and values me!

Do you really think he has to? He simply has to do what my DH is doing. Which is nothing. And the start looking panicked 3 days befire Christmas because he has bought nothing for the dcs or his parents. Cue for expecting me to step in because I clearly have to help him and support him as he is such a difficult place hmm

Again, projection. Your husband is your problem.

I have no idea why people just don't say "right the Christmas shopping needs doing. What day shall we both/all go into town and get it done?"

The number of women on here who martyr themselves and then moan about it and generalise their partner's learned behaviour onto every other man, is just insane. And very very sexist.

The number of women on here who martyr themselves and then moan about it and generalise their partner's learned behaviour onto every other man, is just insane. And very very sexist. Funny that! As a class, men do tend to behave that way. It is a stereotypical male behaviour. Those posts are evidence that it is not dead yet! Just as the female socialisation that allows it to happen is not yet eradicated.

Which is why we are here, isn't it? On this specific thread!

I have no idea why people just don't say "right the Christmas shopping needs doing. What day shall we both/all go into town and get it done?"

That's still not sharing the load though - is it.
That's taking ownership of the organisation for christmas shopping.

Seriously, there's not a single couple in my circle where this goes on. And I'm off the older generation. Christmas shopping together is the norm, and when discussing Christmas the men of my social circle are every bit as engaged in the present thing as their partners. And I'm a boomer.

Have things gone backwards or something?

@speakout

I have no idea why people just don't say "right the Christmas shopping needs doing. What day shall we both/all go into town and get it done?"

That's still not sharing the load though - is it.
That's taking ownership of the organisation for christmas shopping.

Well someone's got to mention it first. In my household it was just as likely to be my husband, as me.

[quote CuriousaboutSamphire]@unmarkedbythat I think you may have misunderstood more than you think. You posted as you wanted to, I replied the same way. Look, here we are still doing it.

Ignore any questions you find inconvenient. It's anonymous, nobody will know it was you [/quote]
Is there any particular reason you are picking at me like this? Have we previously fallen out about something or do you just fancy being condescending?

I would say that is free time but if your husband has time to do “hobbies” then he should be doing his own Christmas shopping. I think you might want to start making him use some of his own free time for jobs etc, as your household doesn’t sound very equal and it can lead to martyrdom/ resentment which is a recipe for disaster.

DH was always like this with presents, I just said one year I'm not doing them, we can do them together or you'll need to. By the day before Christmas Eve he saw I was being serious and went out shopping, I think with some stuff people in general won't bother if they think someone else will, especially men let's be honest. Now we tend to arrange a day off work together and go shopping, or just do it online one evening.

"I always shop for my in-laws as I have the time and work less so I feel it's only fair."

I took that as meaning that Op buys the Christmas presents to give to ILs as she has more time to do it than her husband.

I don't think that Op is complaining about doing it is she, but her husband's attitude to it?

But then with his attitude to it the answer is to let him do the shopping and actually relax and rest of child free days and enjoy them.

@saraclara unfortunately you are the one projecting there.
I personally just leave my DH do that sort of things with no reminders from me.
The results is crap presents for his side of the family (think hats and scarf clearly designed for a girl given to his nephew - who never used them.... a cheap present form tesco to his mum etc...).
We also have the ‘oops too late’ presents. Nit so much of an issue now that the dcs are teenagers. Much more problematic when they were 7yo (at which yes I did take over for their own sake).

I’m certainly not martyring myself but someone is paying the price for that.
And when it’s people you like, it feels crap to see them at the receiving end of it.

As for saying ‘well let’s go together to do the Christmas shopping’ please...
first this means I would still be the one in charge.
And then I would just be doing the shopping ‘because he has no idea what to give his mum’ but with a dead weight around my ankle instead.

As I said, if you don’t want to do something, the easier way is NOT DO ANYTHING. And some men are very good at it (and happy to give crap presents to their family)

unmarked ?????

I responded to your post, the one you named me in, the one where you snarked at me!!!

I apologise, unreservedly. I recognise someone having a bad day when I see them

OP isn't complaining about doing it, but about being sniped at by her husband, when the words he should be looking for are 'thank you for doing all the Christmas prep for my parents and our children'!