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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not free time

289 replies

chocolatte2020 · 30/09/2020 22:42

I had the day off work today due to annual leave and our dc were with the childminder as they are every Wednesday. I pay for Wednesdays whether I work or if I'm off, so if I'm off work I still send them down and use the time to do something constructive.
I used today to make a start on some Christmas shopping for our dc and family. I always shop for my in-laws as I have the time and work less so I feel it's only fair.
My husband keeps making comments about how much free time I get and how I had all day to myself. I pointed out that I didn't have the day to myself I was doing stuff and he scoffed and said so "you weren't browsing for yourself either I suppose". I was gone 5 hours with two or those hours travel time.
Aibu or should I have been chained to the sink doing the dishes all day. I even left him lunch as he was working from home.

OP posts:
FlatandFabulous · 30/09/2020 23:06

I don't think the issue is whether or not it is free time, it's the fact that your DH is clearly resentful. Sit down, have a a conversation about what you expect from each other, snidely comments are wearisome.

Original poster
chocolatte2020 · 30/09/2020 23:08

I like shopping and I like being organised but he also thinks when I go to Tesco to do the weekly shop that that's free time just because I either go on my own in the evening or at the weekend when he's off.

OP posts:
Plussizejumpsuit · 30/09/2020 23:11

You're husband sounds like a dick (I'm only half joking) he clearly has no idea bout the mental loads of running a home and family. Typical male entitlement. Why would you not be thrilled to buy his food and presents for his parents?

BubblyBarbara · 30/09/2020 23:12

has hobbies on two nights a week taking him out of the house from 6-9 both nights plus he is also out Sunday mornings from 8-12

How do you put up with this he sounds like he's really shirking his responsibilities by being out of the horse as much as possible

1Morewineplease · 30/09/2020 23:12

Did you clean the toilets in this 'free time?' And did you do the ironing, clean the the cooker, water the houseplants too?
If not , you're clearly a slattern.

Just tell him to jog on.

rorosemary · 30/09/2020 23:13

*Nope, shopping for my ILs would be a favour for DH. If he called it my ‘free time’, I simply wouldn’t do it ever again.
*
Same here. Same goes for the weekly menu and shop. DH commented negatively on that two weeks ago. Now he has to figure it out and do it. And he discovered that he forgot to buy bread and other basic things and he has no snacks or sweets 😂😂😂. Doing the admin and household work requires a lot of thinking time, that is not free time.

Totickleamockingbird · 30/09/2020 23:13

@chocolatte2020

I like shopping and I like being organised but he also thinks when I go to Tesco to do the weekly shop that that's free time just because I either go on my own in the evening or at the weekend when he's off.
He is being quite cheeky then. You should take turns so he can stop complaining. It’s only fair. He will learn a valuable lesson. FFS stop doing his family’s shopping at least.
FractionalGains · 30/09/2020 23:15

@BubblyBarbara

I used today to make a start on some Christmas shopping for our dc and family

I would say YABU if not for this so YANBU. You are clearly doing the emotional labour in your family of taking care of things like Christmas that I bet a million shillings your useless husband wouldn't take care of unless you did. This was not therefore really free time but time you are forced to spend doing chores he won't do.

I agree with this.
Singlenotsingle · 30/09/2020 23:15

Free time certainly but what's the problem? Everyone's entitled to some free time. They call it me time.

LannieDuck · 30/09/2020 23:18

@chocolatte2020

I like shopping and I like being organised but he also thinks when I go to Tesco to do the weekly shop that that's free time just because I either go on my own in the evening or at the weekend when he's off.
Sounds like the shopping needs to become his job, to be done in his spare time.

I’m sure he won’t mind giving up one of his hobby evenings, since he believes shopping is the same as free time?

BubblyBarbara · 30/09/2020 23:19

I’m sure he won’t mind giving up one of his hobby evenings, since he believes shopping is the same as free time?

This. This is perfection.

GabsAlot · 30/09/2020 23:21

how is going to tesco time off-youre buying food for the family

does he say it a a dig everytime youre alone-just turn round and go what like your hobby time 3 times a week

SarahAndQuack · 30/09/2020 23:22

It's only free time if you don't feel duty-bound to do work in that time.

You clearly feel Christmas shopping is a chore you took on voluntarily because you have more flexibility for it. But you don't seem to think it's not a chore.

Your DH clearly feels both that shopping isn't a chore, and that it takes you much less time and effort than you think it does (as he assumes you also had time to relax).

I think you need to explain to him which aspects of Christmas shopping feel like a chore to you. If he'd be up for taking those on, then you're sorted (but, of course, that will count as 'free time' for him if he claims it as such). If he thinks he doesn't fancy it after all, then he needs to be nice to you about doing the work.

I have a DP who genuinely enjoys various kinds of family-related activities that could be seen as 'work' or as 'free time' - things like present shopping, or making costumes for fancy dress days at school, or doing sponsored activities. I regularly feel unbelievable grateful for that! And I would never presume that, just because some aspects of these activities are enjoyable, that means they're the same thing as actual free time to use as you will.

RHOBHfan · 30/09/2020 23:24

It’s free in that you get to choose what to do with it, rather than work.

With that reaction, it’s the last time I’d be spending my annual leave/my free time doing his wifework ... and I’d be divvying up chores like the weekly shop so he can do some of it in his ‘free’ time.

LaurieFairyCake · 30/09/2020 23:26

Not free time

Chore time

Same as when you're loading a dishwasher/sat at the MOT centre

Just because you're not at work doesn't make it free time

Blulorry · 30/09/2020 23:27

Why is your husband making a big deal of your annual leave? If he wants to be like you can’t be book a day off too Grin

Honestly some people!

HappyDays10101 · 30/09/2020 23:27

Why not say cycling? It really won’t out you.

dairyswim · 30/09/2020 23:28

Shopping for your own children's Christmas presents is "emotional labour" and a "forced chore"? I've heard it all now.

In the real world, couples split tasks; it doesn't mean they need to do exactly 50% of each task for it to be fair. Or shock horror, single parents do it all.

OP, if DH gets child free time, he is unreasonable to resent you having similar time.

thisplaceisweird · 30/09/2020 23:30

You were shopping, on your own. Definitely free time.

Also why in September? What would you buy now that someone would want in 4 months?

FlatShite · 30/09/2020 23:30

To me, "free time" is having no set commitments eg. work, childcare, important jobs that can't wait.

Sometimes I use my free time to shop, get my hair done, do housework or sit on my arse drinking coffee and watching Don't Tell the Bride.

I think he should be more appreciative that you use some of your free time to do things for him too.

It looks like his "free time" is spent on his hobby and it's not an insignificant amount by the sounds of it.

AlexaShutUp · 30/09/2020 23:30

It's definitely free time, but let him do his own shopping.

justasking111 · 30/09/2020 23:31

Hate shopping but it is always me that buys the gifts and cards for birthdays xmas etc. OH knows better than to call that free time for me.

Hopoindown31 · 30/09/2020 23:32

Annual leave without kids is free time. Unless some had a gun to your head making you do the Christmas shopping that is.

kittykat35 · 30/09/2020 23:34

Yabvvvvu OP anytime that is not work or with the dc is...free time!!

SarahAndQuack · 30/09/2020 23:38

@dairyswim

Shopping for your own children's Christmas presents is "emotional labour" and a "forced chore"? I've heard it all now.

In the real world, couples split tasks; it doesn't mean they need to do exactly 50% of each task for it to be fair. Or shock horror, single parents do it all.

OP, if DH gets child free time, he is unreasonable to resent you having similar time.

But she's pointing out that she's shopping for her in-laws Christmas presents?

However I do agree with you that in the real world, parents split tasks, and he is being a lazy shite by expecting to take no part in this while pretending it's fun for her.

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