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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is not free time

289 replies

chocolatte2020 · 30/09/2020 22:42

I had the day off work today due to annual leave and our dc were with the childminder as they are every Wednesday. I pay for Wednesdays whether I work or if I'm off, so if I'm off work I still send them down and use the time to do something constructive.
I used today to make a start on some Christmas shopping for our dc and family. I always shop for my in-laws as I have the time and work less so I feel it's only fair.
My husband keeps making comments about how much free time I get and how I had all day to myself. I pointed out that I didn't have the day to myself I was doing stuff and he scoffed and said so "you weren't browsing for yourself either I suppose". I was gone 5 hours with two or those hours travel time.
Aibu or should I have been chained to the sink doing the dishes all day. I even left him lunch as he was working from home.

OP posts:
OverTheRubicon · 01/10/2020 09:52

*mail? MIL

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 01/10/2020 10:00

Dh sounds like an absolute arse!

Will he we do all the xmas shopping for his and your family next year? Thought not, entitled prick.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2020 10:00

Well I would call this free time but I would also call your husband a dick for acting like it was a relaxing experience and not being grateful that you were doing all the shopping for his family and your joint DC.

Sweetener12 · 01/10/2020 10:01

JustThinkingAboutThis is right- next time just do whatever you like without him having a chance to comment on that. Whatever you do when it's your day off work is your choice and not his reason to leave comments about it.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 01/10/2020 10:01

You were doing wifework

speakout · 01/10/2020 10:03

You were doing wifework

More fool her.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 01/10/2020 10:03

“However I get the impression that many men think free time is doing whatever they want that involves thinking about themselves only. When they apply that to their wives/partners etc it becomes - when you're not earning money.”

Exactly this but it’s not just men, it’s society in general and is deeply unfair.

Straven123 · 01/10/2020 10:10

I think that you need to share out the freetime which is out of the house. You may not have hobbies but I would very determinedly find some so that when you discuss this you can say you have 9 hours a week on your own doing hobbies, I want the same and find 9 hours of free time to get out of the house. Go swimming/ sauna whatever - the wifework is utterly unappreciated, mostly because had they the task of maintaining an organised and planned household they wouldn't do it. But as they are working or on hobbies they woudln't notice, of course you and the DCs would be that is then your problem.

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 01/10/2020 10:17

Women are not fools for doing wifework, it’s necessary. Men however are inexcusable dicks if they don’t do their husbandwork

Brefugee · 01/10/2020 10:17

It is free time - but that's not a bad thing. Why shouldn't you have a day off? your DH presumably has annual leave and can take a day off too. What would he do with his day off?

If you don't think buying the in-laws presents - knock that on the head and do what you want to do for you on your day off.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 01/10/2020 10:21

He's a knob. Stop the wifwork of buying in laws presents as he clearly doesn't appreciate it.

Spending time online trawling for presents for HIS family is not free time!

Twat.

And stop making him lunch.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/10/2020 10:22

YANBU at all, you were doing domestic work for your family.

You say My husband works Monday to Friday and has hobbies on two nights a week taking him out of the house from 6-9 both nights plus he is also out Sunday mornings from 8-12. I work part time and generally I'm home doing stuff around the house during the week.

So he has 10 hours a week out of the house, dedicated to his hobby. You have 0 hours a week dedicated to yourself and your own interests.

You need to redress that imbalance.

One Wednesday is what, 9-5? So 8 hours. So actually, you would need to take every Wednesday off, do entirely your own thing to please yourself and take another two hours to yourself, one evening, or at the weekend, every week, to make things even.

I detest the attitude, so prevalent among both men and women, as evidenced by this thread, that women enjoy domestic labour, therefore doing it counts as a hobby or leisure time. Whereas men have to have time dedicated entirely to their own interests, for it to count as 'time off'.

Would your DH regard shopping for gifts for your family members as a leisure activity? As something he'd happily do in his own spare time - his hobby time? Would he bollocks.

Doingmybest4u · 01/10/2020 10:28

It might be free time but it’s yours to spend as you see fit. I’m sick of men shaming women for spending the day supporting the family but in a non-domestic way (gift shopping, taking kids to parties / clubs etc). Don’t let him make you feel bad - it’s 5 bloody hours! X

speakout · 01/10/2020 10:32

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes

How is doing christmas shopping for her husbands parents necessary ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes? They sound capable of doing it themselves.

Can you explain?

AWryGiraffe · 01/10/2020 10:35

I think she means buying presents for her in laws - not doing her in-laws Christmas shopping on their behalf. She's buying the presents that they will be given for Christmas.

52andblue · 01/10/2020 10:35

@AnneLovesGilbert

Free time. And your choices to make him lunch and shop for the in laws, you need to own those.
Yes, you do, but maybe think about why you feel resentful? Perhaps because he doesn't sound appreciative of either activity, both of which you chose to do with others in mind?

Next time lay in bed and read a new book and eat chocolates.
THAT'S what I call Free Time :)

CheetasOnFajitas · 01/10/2020 10:36

Sorry, you lost me at doing Christmas shopping in September. You clearly have too much time on your hands!

speakout · 01/10/2020 10:43

WryGiraffe
I think she means buying presents for her in laws - not doing her in-laws Christmas shopping on their behalf. She's buying the presents that they will be given for Christmas.

No it doesn't mean that. The OP explained it was shopping on behalf of her inlaws,

I always shop for my in-laws as I have the time and work less so I feel it's only fair.

CheetasOnFajitas · 01/10/2020 10:47

@speakout I think she meant that she buys presents to give to the in-laws rather than her husband doing it, because she has more free time than her husband. Many women would say “the in-laws are your relatives mate, you choose their presents.” and leave him to it. I certainly can’t be arsed picking a gift for my husband’s Dad.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/10/2020 10:49

'Shop for' does not mean 'on behalf of', it means 'buy for'. She's buying the gifts from her family to her PILs.

Which does not make it any less an item of domestic work, or a favour to her husband, than if she were shopping on their behalves, so the distinction is entirely moot.

OP, next time, take the day off, do whatever the hell you like, enjoy yourself - and when he asks what you've been doing tell him, and say 'and that is a day off!

mam0918 · 01/10/2020 10:50

its a job that needs doing so not 'free' time and weather you do it at the end of september or on xmas eve changes it how?
if I do the dishes now was it not a job because I didnt leave them until the last minute we needed them

also weather in person or online it takes time to find the items, if you can do your xmas shop in under 1 hour online your probably pretty lazy and thoughtless at buying gifts, thats could only happen with a proper 'eh, that'll do' attitude and your probably getting ripped off in the process (nice an privilaged to just be able to pay whatever the first item you see costs without looking around) - research, gathering ideas and budgeting takes time weather in person or online

also helping out family is a job and its what good people do... it can be one of the hardest jobs in the world (seriously try running around of someone with dementia all day - but its not a job right? doing their shopping etc... is a 'luxuary' we should 'enjoy')

'you CHOOSE to help family' and 'It doesnt need doing in september' sounds like theres just a lot of selfish, privilaged and unorganised people responding honestly

ImSleepingBeauty · 01/10/2020 10:54

@HappyDays10101

Why not say cycling? It really won’t out you.
has hobbies on two nights a week taking him out of the house from 6-9 both nights plus he is also out Sunday mornings from 8-12

That sounds a lot like a football commitment to me.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/10/2020 10:56

Sounds to me like your husband gets plenty of free time himself. Shopping for Christmas is a task, not a leisure activity - maybe he'd like to give up his Sunday morning and shop for his own parents and kids. I haven't read the whole thread yet but your OP made me mad enough to post immediately.

And it's okay to shop in September, this year. Lots of people are living in fear of lockdown. If it helps to get organised and take the stress off then go right ahead

I think you need to be taking more time out for yourself, frankly and giving some of the wife work to your dickhead of a husband.

speakout · 01/10/2020 10:58

OK, but would you expect yuor OH to buy gifts for your mother?

If my inlaws don't get gifts at christmas time that's nowt to do with me.

DueNumberTwo · 01/10/2020 11:30

@speakout I agree with you. My DH buys for his own family. Occasionally I see something that I would like to get MIL from me personally and I'll buy it obviously but it would be my choice if I was Christmas shopping for people and very much done in free time.

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