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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not free time

289 replies

chocolatte2020 · 30/09/2020 22:42

I had the day off work today due to annual leave and our dc were with the childminder as they are every Wednesday. I pay for Wednesdays whether I work or if I'm off, so if I'm off work I still send them down and use the time to do something constructive.
I used today to make a start on some Christmas shopping for our dc and family. I always shop for my in-laws as I have the time and work less so I feel it's only fair.
My husband keeps making comments about how much free time I get and how I had all day to myself. I pointed out that I didn't have the day to myself I was doing stuff and he scoffed and said so "you weren't browsing for yourself either I suppose". I was gone 5 hours with two or those hours travel time.
Aibu or should I have been chained to the sink doing the dishes all day. I even left him lunch as he was working from home.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 02/10/2020 20:16

I think people are being a bit harsh, we all get like this when we're busy and it looks like someone is doing something we think would be easier. I'm a sahm and dh was in between 2 2 hour zoom meetings and I heard him put on a game. He'd been working since 7 in the morning and hadn't taken a break yet (it was around 12) and I went in and did the 'it's well for some' thing (I apologised later). You just get like that sometimes. As well as that op, I think it's a grey area, you sometimes enjoy chores but they're not sitting doing what you really want to be doing.

THEDEACON · 02/10/2020 20:39

Not free time not doing stuff for you family admin

Uptheshard · 02/10/2020 21:10

Yes you had free time. It is your right. What's his problem? My exh was like this.took this shit for a while then saw the light and left him.

Now I work pt. Have free time whenever ican. Guess what I... never have to justify it.

He should not begrudge you this. If he speaks to you in this demeaning way..well.. tell him to.do one.
Life is better...easier...without a partner commenting on your free choices?

Luddite26 · 02/10/2020 21:37

That's not free time it's family admin.
Hobbies is free time.

masterchef98 · 02/10/2020 23:52

I cant believe the answers I've read on here (first and last page and ops posts) it is great to have that alone time to go shopping and some people just don't. I have been in this situation and whilst I fully appreciate the circumstances that allow me to spend a day shopping for presents and enjoy it to an extent it's hardly me doing exactly what I want to ( which would be vegging in front of netflix)

StripeyDeckchair · 03/10/2020 00:38

I wouldn't call it free time.
I hate shopping and gift shopping for others is a huge chore.
Your DH is being unreasonable and I'd be leaving the whole lot to him next year.

Nothing7 · 03/10/2020 08:04

I think that’s a bit spiteful of him to be honest, particularly when he has plenty of free time!

Personally I would have a chat with him, find out why he begrudges you having some free time (though shopping would be my idea of hell in my free time) and ask if he realises how much is involved in keeping the house up together? Maybe even say you’re just not going to do the housework on a working day now so that he can see what you do (it will be really hard) and is then scratching his head over why he can’t find any clean pants or cutlery...

Maybe ask would you prefer I went back to work full time? However that means we would both need to sit down and discuss how we split the childcare and chores equally! And clearly I will also want my equal amount of hobby time on evenings and weekends.

Sometimes OHs need it spelled out what it takes to run a home. Because some are indifferent to what it takes, they have no idea.

ToffeePennie · 03/10/2020 08:09

I vote for free time. Although useful, if you managed to go to shop without an entourage of kids and didn’t have to work and take care of children it’s free time.
Sounds like your husband begrudges it though?! which is weird, as surely he should be supportive.

Remmy123 · 03/10/2020 08:19

That is free time. You chose to go Xmas shopping!!

jwpetal · 03/10/2020 08:33
  1. On your day off, take time for yourself. Plan it as 1 hour or 2 for You. Try something new. Take your time for you back.
  2. Sit down with your husband and write a complete list of everything that needs to get down for the family. Then work out a compromise. I never buy presents for my in laws. My view is that just because he is working full time foes not mean he can check out of life. One time my mil mentioned not getting a card. I just said to speak to my dh. He was never late again.
  3. Take time for yourself
lazylinguist · 03/10/2020 08:40

I can see that it could be described as free time, but these things that you do in your 'free time' do presumably need to be done (by someone). I'd say to him - right, if you are going to regard all the time I spend doing family admin as 'free time', I might as well spend it all doing leisure activities instead of food shopping, buying presents for your relatives etc. You can do that yourself from now on.

Trumpeditnow · 03/10/2020 08:41

@Remmy123

That is free time. You chose to go Xmas shopping!!
It is free time. However OPs husband can book time off work if he wants to have A/L. Even the fact that OP has Wednesdays to herself so what she has children to organise too!

Unless her husbands wants to swop roles I don’t understand what the fuss is about!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/10/2020 08:46

Well I don’t work at all now but I’d be peed off if I got sniped comments about a shopping trip. It is free time but so what?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 03/10/2020 08:49

jwpetal

1.On your day off, take time for yourself. Plan it as 1 hour or 2 for You. Try something new. Take your time for you back.
2. Sit down with your husband and write a complete list of everything that needs to get down for the family. Then work out a compromise. I never buy presents for my in laws. My view is that just because he is working full time foes not mean he can check out of life. One time my mil mentioned not getting a card. I just said to speak to my dh. He was never late again.
3. Take time for yourself

Well you sound like a whole lotta laughs!

Pinkfluff76 · 03/10/2020 08:52

Whether it is labeled free time or not, it’s not a chore your husband would do and he’s a complete arse going on about it especially the browsing for yourself comment!

Notthetoothfairy · 03/10/2020 08:53

Free time but as a one off. Agree with the PP who said this:

“Next time you have annual leave don't shop for his parents just do something entirely frivolous for yourself. You won't ever get credit for Christmas shopping for his parents so I would be reallocating that particular chore.“

BabyYoda · 03/10/2020 08:57

I agree with the others who have said he was ungrateful when you were doing him a favour so let the CF do it himself from now on.
Shopping for others is a chore not “free time”.
Bet when he’s not working he doesn’t get his actual free time policed...

YardleyX · 03/10/2020 09:19

That is absolutely NOT free time.

Classic example of invisible wifework.

If you had genuinely taken the day to yourself to do a hobby, see a friend etc...., then the shopping ‘job’ would still be on the list of things to do.

When was dh planning to take a child free day off work in order to get it done?

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 03/10/2020 09:27

No man would describe xmas shopping for his inlaws as free time

And very few women would begrudge them doing it!

Covidbegone · 03/10/2020 09:39

Nothing wrong with what you did. If he has a problem with it, suggest he sorts out all the gifts for his side. Probably all panic purchases around December 20th.

You sound like a planner, and I think probably make things run so smoothly that he takes what you do for him for granted. Maybe you need to drop the ball a bit on the things you help him with.

FractionalGains · 03/10/2020 10:06

@YardleyX

That is absolutely NOT free time.

Classic example of invisible wifework.

If you had genuinely taken the day to yourself to do a hobby, see a friend etc...., then the shopping ‘job’ would still be on the list of things to do.

When was dh planning to take a child free day off work in order to get it done?

EXACTLY
Scaraffito · 03/10/2020 10:09

You didn't have to do it in September though did you? Tell him to do it for his family, and if he doesn't then he can explain why they don't have anything. It is free time in that you had a choice of what to do, and choose to facilitate him being lazy and not arsed to do any of the Christmas jobs (although it's still really early anyway).

SideAfries · 03/10/2020 10:51

I mean it is free time... not that there is anything wrong with having free time!! Not sure why your husband feels like he can be on your case about it though - you should just grin Grin & say I know, It’s been LOVELY!

MrsVeryTired · 03/10/2020 10:58

Tell him he will have to do the Xmas shopping for his family from now on.

Giespeace · 03/10/2020 11:15

People can say “you chose to go shopping” all day long but the reality is that if OP simply made another choice repeatedly (ie. chose NOT to go shopping), when the family Christmas failed to magically materialise she would suddenly be labelled the very worst wife and mother in the whole wide world 😩
So is it really a choice? Is it really free time the equivalent of Netflix and chill, meeting a friend for lunch, getting your nails done, just going for a nap if that’s what your heart desires? 🤔

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