To think this is not free time

[chocolatte2020]

I had the day off work today due to annual leave and our dc were with the childminder as they are every Wednesday. I pay for Wednesdays whether I work or if I'm off, so if I'm off work I still send them down and use the time to do something constructive.
I used today to make a start on some Christmas shopping for our dc and family. I always shop for my in-laws as I have the time and work less so I feel it's only fair.
My husband keeps making comments about how much free time I get and how I had all day to myself. I pointed out that I didn't have the day to myself I was doing stuff and he scoffed and said so "you weren't browsing for yourself either I suppose". I was gone 5 hours with two or those hours travel time.
Aibu or should I have been chained to the sink doing the dishes all day. I even left him lunch as he was working from home.

I don't think there is really a right answer to this. Some people call that sort of thing free time, and some don't. In a way they fall in the middle somewhat - it's something that needs doing, and at a certain point will demand to be done. But you are able to do it to a large extent at a time of your choosing, it was leisurely, maybe you enjoyed it, you were by yourself rather than trying to wrangle kids, etc. Some people only seem to consider work that has to be done in a sort of immediate or inexorable way as work.

I think I would also feel a bit annoyed at my husband if he said that though, not really for calling it free time, or because he pointed out I had a nice day without too much stress, but because I was actually accomplishing something and for his benefit, and that didn't seem to count somehow. Not that I expect to be fawned over for that stuff (I also do most IL shopping, mainly because I enjoy it) but I don't like it to be taken for granted either, yk?

It might be worthwhile to think if there is something similar your husband might do, that is a contribution to the work of the household, but he also enjoys it and it's something he might choose to do when he can make a choice. My step-dad for example is a serious carpenter in his spare time, but it's also very much something that is time and trouble spent for the family as often his work is something that is appreciated and used by everyone, and would have to be paid for if he didn't do it.

@BritWifeinUSA

So if it’s not free time, what is it? You weren’t working for your boss, you had free choice what time to leave, where you go, how long to spend there, what to wear, which route to get there, how much to spend, what to buy for whom, what to eat or to eat nothing at all. If that’s not the very definition of freedom then you have no idea how large numbers of people live in this world.

But someone has to shop for gifts, from that POV it is part of the work of the house. There is some choice about when it's done, but someone will have to do it by Dec 24th, and not when they are at work or otherwise occupied.

@Goosefoot no one has to shop for gifts. It’s not a legal requirement. It was her choice to shop for gifts.

[quote BritWifeinUSA]@Goosefoot no one has to shop for gifts. It’s not a legal requirement. It was her choice to shop for gifts.[/quote]
There are a heck of a lot of things no one HAS to do in a household, in an absolute way, but which are still considered as normal housework in most of Europe and North America. Doing the arranging for family observances of holidays is part of family life, and it can take a lot of time and attention, and a lot of people don't particularly enjoy doing it.

'I used today to make a start on some Christmas shopping for our dc and family. I always shop for my in-laws as I have the time and work less so I feel it's only fair'. The husband didn't ask her to do the shopping. The OP states she used the day to do the shopping. Therefore, free time. Don't be a martyr. Next time make flask of coffee and take a pack of biscuits to go and sit on the laptop and do online shopping.

Running errands is not free time.

I wonder if this depends on how a person shops for gifts. I never just go to the store and browse, I decide what I am getting a person or at least narrow it down pretty well. It’s not wandering a store seeing what catches my eye.

So if the OP didnt "choose to use [her] free time" to shop for Xmas, what would happen? Santa is a lovely idea, but lets face it, without some poor sucker doing the shopping and the planning and the cooking, it wouldnt happen.

I would just not bother getting him or his family anything and when he inevitably gets the fucking hump, tell him that you used your free time for yourself.

I agree that if it's so free, he can do it instead of his hobbies.

It’s free time because you had a choice about what to do with it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The OP comes across as idle and entitled. If anyone needs a kick up the butt, it's her.

Yes, it's free time as you had a day off and you spent it as you wanted. I can't take any annual leave and I'd love a day off like you had, I haven't had any yet.

When I know I’m not being appreciated for something I do for our family or my husband, I stop. I too would suggest I return the presents and he can go find his own parents something on a hobby evening as it’s the same as free time, and good practice for buying them presents for the rest of his life. I used to do a lot, more fool Dh for not valuing it. Don’t get mad, make things even.

@Angelina82

It’s free time because you had a choice about what to do with it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I choose when I clean the toilet. Doesn't make it free time.

Does it matter whether it was free time or not? The real issue is your DH's wanky response to you having some childfree time to yourself. Agree with pp above: next time, sod the gifts and let him organise those and do something for you instead.

Would your husband ever use a day of leave to do any xmas shopping?
Would he go out shopping of his own volition to buy your children new clothes they needed?

It sounds less like free time and more like mental load time

I choose when I clean the toilet. Doesn't make it free time.

It wasn’t necessary for OP to spend 5 hours Christmas shopping in bloody September or to make her DH’s lunch no matter how you try to spin it.

@Angelina82

I choose when I clean the toilet. Doesn't make it free time.

It wasn’t necessary for OP to spend 5 hours Christmas shopping in bloody September or to make her DH’s lunch no matter how you try to spin it.

Doing things earlier than they absolutely have to be done doesn't stop them being chores, no matter how you spin it.

OP your DH sounds like he doesn't appreciate the work you do to keep the house and family running smoothly. Next time he heads off for his hobby, push a shopping list at him and tell him he should get the shopping in in his free time instead of going to whatever it is he normally does.

Leaving out travel time You had about two/three hours which you spent shopping for your family and your in-laws.

I wouldn't call that free time!

Shopping for family is an essential chore. It's not a fun optional thing. If your husband thinks it is, perhaps he should try it.

Maybe you should shrug off the responsibility of shopping for your in-laws for a start - seems your husband doesn't appreciate it.

@timeisnotaline

When I know I’m not being appreciated for something I do for our family or my husband, I stop. I too would suggest I return the presents and he can go find his own parents something on a hobby evening as it’s the same as free time, and good practice for buying them presents for the rest of his life. I used to do a lot, more fool Dh for not valuing it. Don’t get mad, make things even.

Well it is free time to be fair, I think when I get chance to ‘please myself’ it’s free time. But we are all entitled to free time!? I work part time, I do the lion share of washing, shopping and cleaning etc, but I still get lots of free time now both children are at school. Why does he begrudge it? Or why do you think he’s wrong for calling it free time?

Get a delivery saver for tesco! Then you’ll have even more free time!!!

@MrsTerryPratchett

I agree that if it's so free, he can do it instead of his hobbies.

This. I think it’s time to give your dh shopping lists for his free time. Bonus would be if the list were oh so useful eg “ingredients for 6 meals over the next week” “packed lunch contents for week”. Then when he fails spectacularly, send him texts every day to pick up x, y or z for tonight or tomorrow on his way home from work. And get him to go present shopping. Give him useless hints of what to buy for your parents / dog / n&n etc.

Doing things earlier than they absolutely have to be done doesn't stop them being chores, no matter how you spin it.

Ok maybe it’s me then because I don’t see doing a bit of leisurely Christmas shopping as a chore because I enjoy it, plus I tend to make it easier for myself by doing most of it online. If, however I still have people to buy for a week before Christmas then it becomes a pressure, thus a chore.

Hmm bit of both.

I'd say your day was free time.

However your DH is being UR to make snarky comments about it, or any comment except "thanks for getting those presents for my family".

I'd never shop for my in laws gifts, no matter how much free time I had. No matter if I didn't work and had servants doing all the house work, and my DH worked 100 hours a week. To me would be the epitome of wife work, and disrespect for both me and for his family. I have literally never in my life heard of a man buying a present for an in law. Maybe sent out to get a specific thing, but shopping for a random gift? Nope, never happened.

@MadameButterface

Next time you have free time take all your in laws’ presents back and do not do another hand’s turn of wifework for him.

This. And stop making his lunch in your free time too.

It’s free time.