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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not free time

289 replies

chocolatte2020 · 30/09/2020 22:42

I had the day off work today due to annual leave and our dc were with the childminder as they are every Wednesday. I pay for Wednesdays whether I work or if I'm off, so if I'm off work I still send them down and use the time to do something constructive.
I used today to make a start on some Christmas shopping for our dc and family. I always shop for my in-laws as I have the time and work less so I feel it's only fair.
My husband keeps making comments about how much free time I get and how I had all day to myself. I pointed out that I didn't have the day to myself I was doing stuff and he scoffed and said so "you weren't browsing for yourself either I suppose". I was gone 5 hours with two or those hours travel time.
Aibu or should I have been chained to the sink doing the dishes all day. I even left him lunch as he was working from home.

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 01/10/2020 07:47

I’d personally say it’s free time, BUT your husband is clearly resentful- I think I’d be having a discussion about why he feels that way. Does he ever have time away from work and the children? He’s in the wrong allowing you to shop for his family, and then moaning about it though.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 01/10/2020 07:53

I hate grocery shopping and live somewhere where there is no online grocery shopping (very rural and outside the UK). No fucking way is filling a groaning trolly to the brim in Aldi once per week for a family of 5 including teens (none of us eat meals from elsewhere, so weekly shop is 3 meals per day for 5 people) packing it into the car boot, carrying it all into the house and unpacking it at the other end free time! Its a necessary chore, irs no bloody fun! It also takes 3 solid hours including the drive each way.

If thats anyone's idea of fun then there's nowt so queer as folk is all I can say. Presumably laundry and washing floors is also jolly japes.

FrenchBoule · 01/10/2020 07:55

“Free time” my arse.

Maybe it is child free time but OP is choosing to do something for the family so she’s not much lady of leisure as her husband suggest.It’s hurtful as he’s implying she’s done nothing in 5 hours.

I’d give him short sharp answer to such a suggestion and no lunch.

How dare he.So many hours child free to pursue his hobby per week and he questions how her time was spent

I don’t understand why OP is getting such a hard time, maybe she actually should put herself first,sit on her bum and read a book/watch telly for 5 hours,nevermind shopping/making food for her ungrateful sneering husband and his side of family.

liveitwell · 01/10/2020 07:56

Shopping is free time. You could easily have gone online and spent an hour getting everything.

Meuniere · 01/10/2020 07:56

I think that, as doing the Christmas shopping or the weekly food shop is FREE TIME, he should be having some time for himself too and do it. Like doing the weekly shop every week (and then dealing with all the small shops needed because he has forgotten something or didn’t know that ....). It won’t be an issue because it’s having some nice free time for himself anyway.

And then I think you should be out of the house 2 evenings a week plus half day or one full day at weekend. Because obviously, you haven’t had your free time so you need to make up for it.

FWIW, shopping might be a nice relaxing time and something you want to do in ‘your free time’ but not everyone does.
It’s not because you enjoy an activity and it’s automatically free time. Eg if you enjoy cooking, it doesn’t make preparing dinner everyday a hobby and time for yourself. It’s still a chore to do.
As far as I’m concerned, shopping for Christmas is part of the chores. I might or might not enjoy parts of it. But it’s still parts of the things that needs to be done. Not pure enjoyment and time for myself. If it was I wouod be doing some shopping for me, looking at shops that interest me rather than looking for things that interest others.

Meuniere · 01/10/2020 08:00

I also really like the very gendered attitude displayed on this thread

All women love shopping
Shopping is a nice relaxing activity FOR WOMEN (I’m sure no one has ever told a man that doing the Christmas shopping was a free time 😂)
Women doing work for the family, like food shopping, Christmas shopping for the ILs etc... is normal and a Gullah a great time to spend time for yourself.

You should be reading the FB/twitter account from ‘A man who has it all’. You will see. Textbook misogyny

wildraisins · 01/10/2020 08:00

I think it is free time but also don't think you are being unreasonable to have that time!

Sounds like your hubby feels a bit resentful for some reason so maybe there's some kind of imbalance you could talk through? It's not nice to live with comments like that when you are just living your life. Maybe he is feeling overworked or stressed but he needs to not take it out on you, that's not really fair. If he has a problem with the balance of workload in your relationship then he should discuss it with you sensibly and directly.

Meuniere · 01/10/2020 08:05

For all of those saying doing that doung Christmas shopping is free time,

Can you define what you call free time?

Is It time wo the kids?
Time out of the house?
Time doing something that you love with your own agenda?
Time doing some work for your DH, like sorting out all the ILs presents?

Looneytune253 · 01/10/2020 08:08

Nothing wrong with that tho, I'm sure he gets days off and annual leave. Also most (not all) men get plenty of free time when mum is running round after kids. Does he never go to the pub, or gaming, or golf? Anything

HandfulofDust · 01/10/2020 08:13

It's not entirely binary but Christmas shopping in September is definitely more relaxing than going to work so DH has a point.

JaggySplinter · 01/10/2020 08:17

Stop doing things that you regard as work to help your DH if he thinks bits free time and you don't. Stop being a martyr and just have the time off to do things you want to do.

Meuniere · 01/10/2020 08:19

@BritWifeinUSA, I’m self employed. I have full autonomy in how, when and how I’m working.
DH is working from home and has plenty of autonomy too. He is working flexi time, can set his hours, decide where he wants to work (all remote). He can have long lunch break if he wants to and just has to block that time in his calendar. Very similar level of freedom as I have..

Going to do some shopping for food is NOT free time anymore than when you are working in an autonomous way. You are doing what needs to be done. You need to plan for all the needs for the whole family, think ahead etc.. It’s mental workload again.

You aren't working and you don't have the children
By that definition, the DH should be gong out to do the weekly shopping as he would have no work and no dcs - free time.
I very much doubt he will see that as having some free time compare to his time doing his hobby. Because THAT is free time

Standrewsschool · 01/10/2020 08:19

I think it all’s into the grey area between work and free time. It’s not work, as you’re not getting paid for it, but it’s not free time either, ie leisure time.

Dh sees it as freetime as you’re not working, and you see it as non free-time, as you are still doing stuff, and not sitting watching tv etc

Standrewsschool · 01/10/2020 08:20

And is Christmas shopping in September a stealth boastGrin

Meuniere · 01/10/2020 08:21

And of course Christmas shopping in September is more relaxing. I mean if you are going to be lumbered with that task, sureky it’s up to you to decide when to do it and how. Doing it at a time when it’s easier and nicer isn’t bad.
Or are you are saying that as women, we should nit only automatically do all those tasks but also do them at the most inconvenient time, making it harder for ourself so it looks like we have to out some effort into it Confused

Meuniere · 01/10/2020 08:23

I agree @Standrewsschool.
it’s going back to the fact that work done at home by women is not considered work. Nit cleaning the house, not raising children, nit all the mental load. Nope. The only valid and worth task is paid work.....

speakout · 01/10/2020 08:26

Of course it's free time.

Choosing to do christmas shopping for your husband's able bodied parents is most certainly a choice.

diddl · 01/10/2020 08:42

I don't think it's free time.

It's something that needed doing & Op happens to enjoy it.

Also it is something that you can make a day of if so inclined, so maybe that does skew it slightly.

But still a household task imo.

mellicauli · 01/10/2020 08:44

@katy1213

It was free time - and you totally wasted it. Let him do his own Christmas shopping.
Yes - this !
Pillowwillo · 01/10/2020 08:45

Well of course it's free time, the bigger issue is why he has a problem with that? If he has the chance now and again for the odd day off work when DC is still in childcare then not sure of the problem.

hesaidshesaidwhat · 01/10/2020 08:55

He calls it free time, you don't think it is, presumably because you are doing things you have to do as opposed to necessarily want to do to relax etc. It's easy, you tell him that you don't want to use your free time to shop for his family etc - lets face it, it isn't just about ordering it's having to think about what to buy etc.

Either don't do it or stop moaning about it.

speakout · 01/10/2020 08:56

*I don't think it's free time.

It's something that needed doing*

No it wasn't

The OP chooses to do christmas shopping for her husbands parents.

Hardly a "household task".

DrDetriment · 01/10/2020 08:58

It's free time. If all you have to do is Christmas shopping in September then you have a lot of free time on your hands.

BubbleBoy12 · 01/10/2020 08:59

Yeah that's free time

glowworm93 · 01/10/2020 09:01

I wouldn't have an issue with my partner doing this (I'm not one of those who thinks DC should only EVER be in childcare if both parents are doing paid work...) but...yes I think it is free time.

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