To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

@pollypork

Good for you & good luck *@mbosnz*

Thanks for that, much appreciated! I won't deny, I'm shitting twinkies!

If a SAHM doesn’t back to work longer-term or at all, chances are there is substantial family wealth accrued to enable her to make this decision. Otherwise, she’d be heading back to work wouldn’t she!

It's not always as simple as that. Just check this current long thread from a SAHM with a high earning man - she gets no money for herself and is expected to pay for everything for DC from an absolute pittance. If she would go back to work, the DH would not cover child care and would stop giving her any money - but also would not take over any of the child care of housework. It's not that she is so comfortable that she does not need to work, she's trapped.
Of course it's just speculating what would have happened if she had taken different decisions, but maybe would have figured out sooner that the DH is a financially abusive bastard

Sure, but the OP is in an abusive relationship, whether she is working or not. She said herself, than when she returns to work, the H will stop giving her any “allowance” at all.

How is society breeding these men? The mentality is beyond belief.

I don’t think having a DH who earns 100, 200, 500k in itself is a secure enough reason to give up work long-term. His salary won’t protect you if you divorce. Assets will, however. So if, over time, this money is invested in properties in both your names, or other assets / investments that you know you could fall back on if the worst came to the worst, then you are making the decision to SAH in a different context. This is what I’m trying to say and why it’s not always the case that SAH makes you financially vulnerable. Anyone’s job can come or go tbh - it’s how you invest and accrue assets as a family that will secure long term financial security.

@Alongcameacat Because it's project based & he has lots of autonomy there's a fair bit of flexibility. Of course there are some 10pm finishes too but mainly wfh.

I gave up my previous career as no p/t, flexi option so I hear you on that one. Shit really as I loved it. I would have been easily on 70k plus now but the advantages were not worth it for us. I feel into another job through a contact which eventually lead to another career which Im super grateful for. 70k will very likely be the limit for this new career but Im happy with that & it's much more family friendly. DH is good with facilitating & even though he earns more my job is still important. Any dc illness/appointments are very much shared etc. Also companies are becoming more progressive, he had almost 3 months paid paternity leave.

I have stayed at home with 2 kids and it’s not intellectually stimulating enough for me. I find if I have too much time on my hands I start to worry about stupid things. I’m in a full time job now where I use my brain. There’s no point being at home because my kids are at school.

I’ve done both, I manage a team of 25 and a budget of £156million, I can tell you it’s a stroll on the fucking park after being a full time sahm. Of course I’m doing it all from home but dh and my teen kids share chores as I’m still working all day. When I was a full time mum it was DRAINING and exhausting, honestly massive respect to those that do it

I have stayed at home with 2 kids and it’s not intellectually stimulating enough for me

I could reply in a similar fashion that you have to be able to find your own interests rather than being told what to do and what is expected of you all the time. It isn’t for everyone.

But.....that wouldn’t be nice would it

@pollypork I agree that just because you say I wouldn't like X lifestyle because of Y doesn't mean you're jealous. Lots of people (myself included) are just happy with their choice. I do think the people who passive aggressively deride other people's choices ('staying at home would be just so unstimulating and I'd hate not contributing to the family' or 'I could never work full time and leave someone else to bring up my child') do so out of a feeling of insecurity and jealousy.

There are fairly obvious advantages to both lifestyle choices and people who pretend they don't see it are usually unconvincing.

Whatever you do, surely life is what you make it. Whether you’re working or SAH, so much will depend on the people around you; your team / support network; your work / home environment. I’m not sure, for instance, I could have managed as a SAHM in a very isolated or rural area, for instance. It really helped that at the school mine went to, I’d say maybe 75% were SAHMs, so it was easy to meet people and there was always something going on. It was never lonely or boring. I never used a nanny or au pair because I would have found that quite awkward and just another thing to manage, on top of the kids. Plus we’re in London with all sorts on the doorstep. Also, when I was working, it was in the field of child psychotherapy, so I genuinely find the significance of all the stages of emotional / cognitive development fascinating in my own children, just as I did with other people’s children (albeit differently). Although it was hard work, it felt like a total privilege ultimately and a relief to be able to properly “see things through” with my own DC, rather than being a part of a child protection system which often felt very unsatisfactory because there was only so much you were able to do and some of the circumstances were horrific, obviously. But if I was the corporate type who got a lot of fulfilment out of that kind of role, I can see how being “at home” might have been more of an adjustment. It totally depends on individual motivations and outlook really. There’s as many SAH scenarios as there are job descriptions and it’s impossible to generalise.

Alongcameacat

I have stayed at home with 2 kids and it’s not intellectually stimulating enough for me

Wow just wow. Being a SAHP or part time working parent can be an amazing opportunity to be intelluctually stimulated. There are volunteering opportunities and courses. I have done both. In fact my time at home is far more stimulating than my part time job is. Well apart from housework which is so dull.
Op has your (d)h said that you are lazy? He seems to want it all. The kudos of a wife and kids but is not prepared to fully support them financially or help with running the home and childcare if you work
I think LTB is probably the only way out.

Northernsoulgirl45

I think you meant to tag the person who made that comment -AnoDeLosMuertos rather than the person who quoted it?

Oops apologies.

I have stayed at home with 2 kids and it’s not intellectually stimulating enough for me

I’ve just picked up a job after years of being a SAHM, running my own business and caring for Dp during a long illness.

I was never so bored as when I was in paid work.

I ended up with depression

I’ve just picked up a job after years of being a SAHM, running my own business
I get that by definition “SAHM” refers to those physically at home, but the essence of it is that you don’t work. Running your own business = working. So surely not a SAHM really?

Running your own business = working. So surely not a SAHM really

You can be a SAHM then run a business.

Like saying you were a SAHM then you went back to work.

You can do other things after being a SAHM.

Oh sorry I thought you mean simultaneously.

To be fair to that poster, she didn’t say the only way she felt intellectually stimulated was in paid work. She just said she didn’t find childcare intellectually stimulating. I’m inclined to agree. I love being a mum and I love the days I’m with DS and I love finding activities for us to do. But I’m no childcare pro and I find my paid job a lot more intellectually stimulating.

It all depends on how much effort a sahm puts into caring for her DC. Some put everything into it, some neglect their DC and prioritise their own enjoyment.