To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

@GeorginaTheGiant no, I doubt that many feel respected but this is also in part due to posters (like the above) making these comments. The role is just not valued, universally. In an ideal world we would all be cheered and supported for making the choices that are important to us, not just by our partners but by our female friends and peers. Making comments like ‘I don’t respect any SAHM’ and thinking you are the worlds greatest feminist is missing the point. Hugely.

@dontdisturbmenow again, maybe this is your choice but not theirs? Why does it matter to you if they feel like making a sacrifice to have time with their kids now might mean not as financially stable later? I just think it’s not up to us to judge individual choices.

As if any woman who is fortunate to have the choice not to work, gives a hoot about what some other woman thinks. The insecurity of some women stands out 100 miles - the fact that they even need to comment on the lifestyles of other families and if the whole “faux concern” thing is an utter joke.

None of the SAHMs I know need any so-called concern, thankyou very much. As for being “anti feminist,” well very evidently, s high proportion of women who are in a position to SAH have more choices in life and going into the future than 99% of women in the UK. Whether this is smart decision-making or luck, who can say? But nobody is forcing them to be home. They are lucky to have the choice. And yes, not everyone works 9-5 and many of these women have met their DHs at uni or before these men happened to be in a position to make a lot of money. Money buys choice and if you know you have a certain level of wealth as a family because of the decisions you have made as a couple to prioritise the opportunities of the high-earner, then you are entitled to live the life you want. If your DH has made millions and you have supported him doing that, the money will not just be sat there will it? It will be in investment portfolios and assets in both your names. Women make decisions in totally different circumstances. To be perfectly honest, many of the highest earning men may well tend to have SAHWs for a period, but also they themselves will retire early too. You see plenty of self-made millionaires who are retired or semi-retired in their 40s / 50s because they get to a point when they can let their money work for them or pick and choose some consultant roles or similar. So, to all intents and purposes, they are both “at home.” They must both be lazy then.

And yes of course I do realise that being a SAHM can limit the choices for women in less financially-stable circumstances - but this is precisely why not many of women SAH these days! You only do what you can afford to do - it’s like anything else. But even if they do decide to prioritise being around for their kids for a given period and take the financial risk, so what? It’s their life and nobody else’s business. People have different priorities.

These always turn into a SAHM vs working mum, it's uneccessary. The only time I feel sorry for a woman is when they are forced into a decision they don't have any choice over, other than that we all do the best we can for ourselves and our families; whether thats being at home or going to work. Everything has a risk.

I don't respect people who cannot be respectful of other people not living according to their creed.

That's okay, we can agree to respectfully mutually disrespect one another!

Some SAHPs are lazy. Some are not.

Some right lazy arsed gits in paid employment. Some are not.

• The insecurity of some women stands out 100 miles - the fact that they even need to comment on the lifestyles of other families and if the whole “faux concern” thing is an utter joke.

Is every concern faux?

None of the SAHMs I know need any so-called concern, thankyou very much.

Same here but I'm not sure that's a true representation of the UK. I don't think most people in the UK earn millions & of those that do they are all married to SAHMs

I'd say there's a fair amount of condescending contempt attempting to masquerade as concern. . .

@mbosnz

I'd say there's a fair amount of condescending contempt attempting to masquerade as concern. . .

I would say that all of it is, I have no clue why anyone is bothered by what other people do unless they feel insecure about their own choices.

I have no clue why anyone is bothered by what other people do unless they feel insecure about their own choices.

I think that if you're secure in your choices you can defend them without putting down others so agree in some part.

However I think denying that they are some legitimate concerns as often posted on these boards by people with lived experience is disingenuous.

I'm in my 30s & my friendship group has now started to go through the separating/divorce part of life. One close friend divorced last yr which was my first real experience of it (even though my parents are separated). It was actually quite eye opening & did make me think more about financial security.

Wow, I earn way less than your DH and have way more disposable income. Your financial set up is not normal. You’d be better off divorcing him and getting child maintenance plus benefits if you cannot fond work straight away.

You’re entitled to half of his pension.

Plus simultaneously telling others to be secure in their choices but labelling all concerns as faux & motivated by jealously is a tad hypocritical.

Oh, I don't disagree that there are legitimate concerns. Most SAHM's are adults with reasonable capacity, though, I would have thought.

Of course, there are legitimate concerns with every life path, including being a full-time working parent with kids, with or without a partner.

Whether it's a high powered job you have, or a barely keeping a roof over your head and food on the table job.

And of course, for many of us, both working outside the home and not, the 'choice' aspect is somewhat illusory, more being forced by circumstances.

You should claim the child benefit for NI credits that count toward the state pension. Please tell me you’ve kept up the NI contributions?

Most SAHM's are adults with reasonable capacity, though, I would have thought.

I'm sure they are. I don't think many people expect their partners to be shit & marriages to end & they often inadvertently end up in a position they didn't sign up for much like the OP. Therefore I think it's ok to highlight the potential pitfalls.

I am definitely lazy house wife. 😂 Work in the office not for me.

And of course, for many of us, both working outside the home and not, the 'choice' aspect is somewhat illusory, more being forced by circumstances.

As others have said this is a big issue & I would prefer a system where women who wanted to work could afford too & women who wanted to stay at home could afford too & parents who wanted more of a balance could also afford too.

SAHP are most definitively lazy if they do the childcare. And they are superstars if they do most of the housework too! It is a hard job.
I think you need to speak to your husband about it. And tell him that you need more money. And lay the options. You could go back to work, so childcare would be needed. He could give you a higher allowance. Or he could pay for more stuff, like all the food and clothes. So your current allowance would cover for activities for the children and yourself, or other things you need and want.
If you do not have a mortgage and are not investing massive amount of money somewhere, that should be quite easy for him indeed.
You are equal to him OP. He is your life partner, the children are as his as yours. Do not be shy or coy to talk to him.
And if he really does not treat you as his equal, then he should be an ex.

Why does it matter to you if they feel like making a sacrifice to have time with their kids now might mean not as financially stable later
It doesn't matter to me at all, but I'm tired of reading on FB or hearing the parents of kids that went to school with mine, kids now adults, moaning about how shit life is because they are stuck in low level jobs having to contemplate working for another 20 years, those who resent families who have paid their mortgage at 50 when they will still paying until they are 60 or more, and worse, those who have separated and are so bitter that although they got the house in the divorce, they can't afford the repayments now that they don't get tax credits and maintenance for their kids any longer and moan they will have to move in a small place, away from the nice area they lived for 25 years.

I've met sahm who were super mums who ran their house and family like a business. Always on the go from 6am to 10pm and calling them lazy would be a laugh.

I've also known sahm who were lazy, up as late as possible, back on the sofa the moment the kids are at school, doing minimal housework until time to get the kids, not bothering with homework, putting some nuggets in the oven, and sending the kids to bed by 6pm.

But that no different to workers, there are very hard working people and lazy ones. SAHM can't be labeled as lazy nor all workers as hard working.

As others have said this is a big issue & I would prefer a system where women who wanted to work could afford too & women who wanted to stay at home could afford too & parents who wanted more of a balance could also afford too.

That would be ideal, for both men and women, of course. However, we don't live in Utopia, and are unlikely ever to do so. So we'll just have to cut our coat according to our cloth.

I think most stay at home parents are aware that shit can and does happen, in any marriage, and that it could very easily happen in theirs. I've a very happy marriage, that I feel very secure in, but I'm aware that DH might suddenly decide the grass is greener, and there is always an element of risk. Accepting the risk isn't the same as not knowing the risk exists.

Well I would like to aim for something akin to the models in the Netherlands/Skandi countries as opposed to utopia.

Accepting the risk isn't the same as not knowing the risk exists.

I don't understand your point. You're saying that all women & it is still largely women who chose to SAH are aware of the risks so therefore people shouldn't highlight the risks because it comes from a place of faux concern & jealousy?

@pollypork

Accepting the risk isn't the same as not knowing the risk exists.

I don't understand your point. You're saying that all women & it is still largely women who chose to SAH are aware of the risks so therefore people shouldn't highlight the risks because it comes from a place of faux concern & jealousy?

Yes, pretty much.

I do agree with PP about the insecurity masquerading as faux concern. I had friends like that that were 'very cobcerbed' for me when I gave up my career for a few years. I do think some women are in a vulnerable financial position but I definitely wasn't one of them. I'm highly qualified in a very in demand role with large savings. I really didn't need their career advice (the people in question didn't work in my field and had no idea about it).

That said I don't think it's only working mums who feel insecure. I've also met sahm who make similar 'I'm just concerned' comments to working mum's, probably due to insecurity so I do think it works both ways.

Well I would say that's wrong because I don't believe everyone is fully aware of the risks & like most things in life people don't expect it to happen to them.

The jealously angle intrigues me, what are we supposed to be jealous of?