To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

I think if anyone called them lazy it would be a sweeping generalisation. Being a SAHM doesn’t make you lazy by default.

(Some of them sound spoilt though: can’t see the point of working so do things that are more enjoyable )

No I don't because my husband is the SAHP.

I will be honest, when our youngest goes to school next year I don't want him to get a PT job. I like my house being clean so that I have to do minimal housework, I like the laundry being done even if I have to put it away. I like that I haven't washed a dish since 2013, I like that he is at the beck and call of the various schools and that he has my dinner on the table each night.

The man is anything but lazy.

There’s a lot to unpick in your post. In answer to your question, no I don’t think they are lazy.

However, you clearly have a very low opinion of what you’re contributing to your own household as you don’t seem to think you’re entitled to the family pot of money which you’re facilitating your husband earning. Which begs the question why you have chosen to do it. It’s beyond me why anyone would voluntarily give up their financial independence and rely on a measly allowance from a high earning husband. That’s either insanity or abuse, one or the other. You are in a horrible position, surely you can see that? How are the dynamics in your marriage generally because it seems to me like you’re being treated like a child and not an equal, are you actually ok with this set up?

We don’t have a mortgage.
It’s things like he broke his iPad by dropping it and just went and bought a new one. That’s way more than he gives me a month. I wait for birthdays / Christmas for things I need - he would just buy them. But he works - it’s his. I am lucky to be able to have stayed at home. I just want to have some autonomy which is why I need a job. I was stupid to give up work.

Sorry just saw your subsequent post saying he gives you money? What is the money he gives you meant to cover? Food, petrol? Can you tell us roughly how much it is?

I work part time so see both sides. There are positives and negatives to each. My sil is a sahm and gets an allowance for her and her son for a month. If they need anything whilst out with bil he buys it, otherwise sil uses the allowance. Her ds is on primary school age so I would say she does have it easy compared to a sahm of toddlers.

Your situation is not anything to do with whether sahm's are lazy but more so that your dh does not value you as much as he should. You have a dh problem. I woild be sitting down and discussing how you feel with him. I would definitely be looking for any work possible as having a partner who would allow the other to financially struggle is awful. Best of luck to you.

And by things I need I don’t mean iPads - I mean clothes and haircuts.

@ReeseWitherfork

Not that spoilt either. If our circumstances changed or DH wasn’t happy with the arrangement, I would get a job. As it stands, no-one’s complaining.

Oh OP, he needs to give you access to the family money.
You need a joint account. How dare he treat you like an employee he gets to have sex with?

No not when they have young children, pre school age, it's hard work!

I do wonder what SAHP with school age children do all day every day, but at the same time in the primary years the school day doesn't really allow for a "normal" hours job.

OP your situation doesn't sound fair. Why should you have no money and your DP have loads, surely it's family money?

Why don’t you share all money? He can only earn that much as you do all the childcare.

If partner brings home a huge wage and you don’t need the money then I understand why people would chose not to work.

Once the children go to school though, obviously sahm have a lot more free time than working mums, therefore working mums have it harder without a shadow of a doubt.

You seem oddly grateful for being allowed to give up your independence, earning potential, pension contributions and autonomy in order to be treated like an inferior dependent by your husband. Presumably you wanted to be home with your children and not out at work enough to make that an acceptable sacrifice and presumably your husband would have preferred you out at work, hence his treatment of you now?

I have £600 a month.
Out of that I spend about £120 on petrol.
I spend £30 on my phone.
I spend about £200 on food (dh buys the rest of it)
I spend about £30 on car insurance.
I buy clothes for three of us from it and taking the children out places.

I have about £200 a month free spending for thee three of us. It’s harder in the holidays.

Sounds like financial abuse.

To answer your question though: no sahm mums aren’t inherently lazy just because they choose to stay at home. If children are preschool age I think it’s easier to be the working parent. If children are school age then it’s easier to be the stay at home parent. But I imagine you take all the household mental load from housework, to organising doctors appointments, keeping on top of school forms and the school calendar, organising your family’s social life etc. So you are taking a huge burden from your husband.

What you don’t want is to look back in 20 years and realise that you’ve never been a team with your husband. You’ve accommodated and allowed his career accomplishments and he becomes richer and richer while you stay poor and could never have the same earning potential as him. Meanwhile he doesn’t appreciate or even acknowledge your contribution over the years and the house, his assets- that’s all his achievements and in his opinion nothing to do with you. It’s happened to women I know and they all think they’ve wasted their life and career on a man who never appreciated their sacrifices.

Nothing wrong with being a sahm but don’t be one to support a stingy and unappreciative man- that’s thankless and a waste of your potential.

OP as others have pointed out whether SAHMs are lazy or not isn't really the point. The point is that your wealthy husband is financially abusive and doesn't give you enough to live on and you seem to think this is "fair".

I don't think SAHMs are lazy for what its worth but your post does very clearly suggest to me that you need to get a job, both for your financial security and your self-esteem.

No not lazy and you are a fool to let your husband treat you like this. You shouldn't have hardly any money if your husband earns 100k. You have lost your potential to ever earn as much as him because you have been out of work. If your husband has that kind of money he should have been paying in to a pension for you and provide you with enough money to enjoy life in the same way he does. Also what happens if in a few years he turns around and divorces you and you have nothing? While you are looking after his children you should be enjoying the same lifestyle as him

He is taking the piss

But he works - it’s his

It really isn't if you're married.

And if you have no mortgage and he gives you 600 for food and child related stuff - what does he do with the rest then?

But he works - it’s his.

He can work and have a career because you’ve facilitated that 100%. Do you honestly not see that in exchange you should get a bit more than a bit of food or a haircut if you’re lucky?

How much you have isn’t really relevant. The fact is you don’t have access to the family pot of money or any earning potential and thus would be utterly fucked if your marriage failed. I can’t work our why it is you’re posting because on one hand you’re clearly not totally happy but at the same time you seem to think you don’t deserve any more than what you have...I’m struggling to unpick your standpoint really.

Your husband is financially abusive.

I hope this thread opens your eyes a bit

You earn 7200 a year. A nanny gets more than that. This is absurd. He’s taking the pods massively. Just ask for full access to a joint account. My husband is a high earner and I’m part time and I have the same access to find that he’s does.

Out of that £200 comes clothes / haircuts for the three of us plus taking them out anywhere.

I was sahm to 3 under 3 and was also a.carer. I can honestly say it was very hard work. I know people were critical of me. I think it is lazy axsumption!