To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

Have a read of this article.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/so-happy-together/201706/who-controls-the-purse-strings

[quote PorridgeGoneWrong]OP,
Was this you, back in February?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3823768-Is-this-financial-abuse-Or-am-I-just-being-spoiled?postsby=Breathingunderwater&fromid=93958502[/quote]
It's you OP. And people told you all the same things there.
well above 100K salary and you can't even go to dentist? Your husband is massively financially abusive and you would be better off divorced.

Oh wow. OP I feel for you. Your other thread feels like a textbook example of why we need rights for women in the workplace, why we need to close the wage gap, why we need to stop putting the burden on women to look after children.

It’s all very well being dependent on a man if he’s a nice man but if he’s not you’re buggered.

OP I know what you mean about feeling “entitled” but the truth is you are. He’s abused you financially and he owes you a hell of a lot of money to date.

It’s all very well talking about “paid childcare,”

Exactly. High earning jobs are rarely, if ever, 9-5 (I’ve never know anyone in that bracket who works ‘normal’ hours). I know a single mum who is very high earner (far more than 100k) but a full time nanny was a necessity. Take a nanny’s wage out of your 100k salary and suddenly you’re not so wealthy after all. Suddenly that work becomes quite valuable to a single parent, and it has a price. I can’t believe there are posters here suggesting this might not be financially abusive. I really hope the op LTB, though it’s annoying he’ll never learn the true value of what you do as I suspect he’ll have no interest in being a full time dad when it costs him 30k + per year to facilitate it!

Yes I think SAHM are lazy. Once your children go to school there’s no excuse for not working.

I usually work full time (out of house 7.30 to 5.30 with collecting kids etc) and due to furlough and the kids being back at school I’ve had a taster of what it’s like to be a sahm.

I am so bored, even with having more time to do housework and cook, I’m still meeting friends every day and reading constantly to fill my time. It’s so boring. I would never rely on man for money.

I hope @Camobag comes back and let’s us know if she’s taken any of this advice. According to this Financial Times article, nannies take home around £432 for a 42 hour week. Maybe show this to your stingy husband.

www.ft.com/content/89eef0bd-278a-4460-af61-60ab69ad31bb

I dont respect SAHMs when I meet them thats for sure, because I see them as anti feminist

Like everyone else, I’d be more concerned about the fact you have to ask your husband for money.

I would hardly call what is happening here as
relying on a man for money.

It is more that the dh is relying on his wife to take full responsibility for everything to do with the children whilst he swans in and out of the house with no input into family life apart from paying out £600 per month to maintain a facade of a happily married family man

If you work 7.30-5.30 then I expect that your salary covers the 3 hours childcare for wrap around care.
Around here that £6 per hour per child. (Friend does it) 2 children and you are looking at £36 per day.
Then there is lunches and travel and the added expenses of childcare in the holidays. Then you take off tax and national insurance and just to be in the same position as she is now would involve her finding a job on at least £25,000 per year.
On top of that she would keep on doing all the cleaning and cooking and if one of the children is off sick then all the pack of cards would come tumbling down.

Also I doubt she could work so late if it meant the children arriving back from the child minders with her at 7.30pm at night at their ages and her dh wanting dinner on the table at the same time.

Sometimes it isn’t about being lazy but sour practicalities

OP

You’re choice of thread title makes me wonder if your husband has told you you’re lazy?

@GoldfishParade wow. In fact, to suggest that women “should” do anything other than what they feel is right for them and their families is anti-feminist, in my opinion. The definition of feminism should be a woman doing for herself what brings her joy, and makes her feel confident and respected as an individual....judgments and insinuations coming from some women are just not helpful and you don’t know everyone’s circumstances or choices.

08:22GoldfishParade

' dont respect SAHMs when I meet them thats for sure, because I see them as anti feminist'

What a narrow minded anti feminist view in itself!

'The definition of feminism should be a woman doing for herself what brings her joy, and makes her feel confident and respected as an individual'

This ^

The wholehe argument that it's not worth working because of the cost of childcare totally fell to co sider that kids start secondary school before you know it.

The mum whose continued to work through out is likely to have seen her income increase in that time and therefore the family will be in a much better financial position when in addition, there'll be a big saving in childcare costs, not withstanding her pension contribution during that time.

The sahm is much more likely to go back to work PT as the transition from sahm for years to ft will be a lot and more like to earn less comparatively to what she earned before with no savings in childcare. The fsmy will be a bit better off, but nowhere near the other family.

”'I dont respect SAHMs when I meet them thats for sure, because I see them as anti feminist'”

There’s no point engaging with narrow-mindedness like this because some people are just starting to think about things (very slowly) and they haven’t yet been able to apply some snippet from their fascinating A-level textbook into real life. Probably they never will.

"her dh wanting dinner on the table at the same time."

Her dh can cook dinner
When he gets home
Just like other peopke who work outside home
Or they soend his £££ on fancy pre packed mesks on busy days or employ someone

@dontdisturbmenow why should it be all about finances? We live in a world we’re we are all forced to think that we need more money, a bigger car, a better holiday, a fancy house. Mostly these things don’t make us happy, perhaps momentarily. Maybe some people value time and experiences more? Maybe some people make choices to stay at home for totally different reasons that you and I would even consider? Maybe it isn’t all hinged on bring better off in the long run.

Well my definition of feminism is women being financially independent and in control of their destinies

Why assume SAHM’s aren’t financially independent? I was a SAHM after my first DS due to my own money I’d made before I married. But you’d have looked down your nose at me because you’d automatically assume my husband was finding that?

Funding not finding ffs

Hell no, not lazy. But I do think they've left themselves very vulnerable and dependent on the whims of whatever man they've chosen. I just hope they've chosen well and then it's not a real problem.

@Yesterdayforgotten

'The definition of feminism should be a woman doing for herself what brings her joy, and makes her feel confident and respected as an individual'

This ^

Sadly I don’t think that the majority of SAHMs are 100% confident and feel respected as an individual. And I think a huge number are quietly suffering for the decision. Not all, but many. The OP for one. How confident and respected is she?

That's really neglect. Why is he not buying the food and your phone etc himself?

Tbh you would be better off on your own on Universal Credit with putting him on child support (I think its 20 or 25 percent of his weekly wages). But that's just my opinion.

why should it be all about finances? We live in a world we’re we are all forced to think that we need more money, a bigger car, a better holiday, a fancy house
It's not about money for more material things, but money for future security.

The investment my OH and I made mean that we will both be able to retire at 55 and enjoy a decent quality life. I would dread to think that my OH would need to continue to work FT until he is 68 or having to reduce his hours significant and struggling to pay our bills because I chose to be a sahm for however long.

Of course this doesn't apply to sahms who go back to a decent ft pay job after a few years, but my experience of colleagues and friends who gave up a decent job to be a sahm, none have gone back ft if at all, and of those who've gone back to, less than a handful have progressed up the ladder.

Embracelife

Do you honestly believe that a guy who would stop his contribution towards clothing and feeding his children and not pay a penny towards childcare if his wife started a job is going to cook for himself even if it was just a ready meal.

Interested to know if you went back to work f/t to when your youngest child reaches 11 years old that could mean you are paying for childcare for much more than 11 years. If you are going into debt for that number of years even when they are in secondary school you could be many years just paying off the debt.
What happens when you can’t run up anymore debt.