To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

Yes I know, I made it clear in my first post that it was just my opinion and that everyone makes the decisions that work well for themselves, blimey.

@Sugarbeanie - totally agree children don’t remember their early years. My two had a lovely nanny until they were about 3/4 years old. I showed them old pictures of her with them and they had no idea who she was. But they got to be well cared for while I was at work making the money, so I’m thinking that did them good.

Being a kept woman is all well and good until you get divorced

What difference does it make?

The starting point is 50/50 regardless of who brought in the most or least.

Friend has got 60% and hasn’t ever worked.
The extra 10% was because she was disabled but even if she hadn’t done anything and wasn’t disabled she would have got 50%

“Being a kept woman is all well and good until you get divorced!”

In the OP’s case, she would be far better off divorced - psychologically and financially.

For women who are married to men who earn a lot more then them (regardless of whether these women are working or not), it’s not that hard to envisage where you would stand in the event of divorce because it will be mainly dependent on shared assets. A woman might have a job, but it doesn’t mean she’ll fare better in a divorce if there are no savings or assets to split for another mortgage and she is unable to fund anything on a single income. Or you might have the appearance of two working parents, but actually up to your neck in debt as a family.

There is no hard and fast rule about 50/50 on assets. It depends on the length of marriage, the status of the assets involved etc.

Having been in a similar situation myself a while back, I would never want to be a SAHM full time again because I want my own financial independence.

Apologies if this isn't correct for the OP but the post asked for opinions and that is mine.

innerspinner

As they say, life happens while you’re busy doing other things

You have summed it up perfectly. Excellent post.

What difference does it make?

Quite a massive one. If I get divorced tomorrow, this does not affect my job and income. If my SAHM friend gets divorced, she might get 50% of the assets, but then what? Spousal maintenance is not common and certainly not in an amount that would allow her to comfortably live without working. She will certainly have her challenges finding a well paid job after a long career break, competing with new energetic youngsters without family obligations.

I also think divorcing & "doing well" is very dependent on age & when/where you bought your house.

My friend divorced last yr & even 60% of the equity & maintenance would not have been enough for a suitable place in the same area. Luckily she earns well so could get a mortgage & didn't need to move schools/area.

If you're in your 30s unless you're divorcing someone who has assets/earnings well into 7 figures not having an income will make it tougher.

A lot of ‘ifs’ about divorce. using it as a reason to be at work. One could just as easily and pointlessly say ‘if’ something happened to you or your child, it would be a little‘easier’ to cope knowing you had all the time you had with them.

When we look back at our lives, we will not remember our salaries.

@GoatCheeseTart

What difference does it make?

Quite a massive one. If I get divorced tomorrow, this does not affect my job and income. If my SAHM friend gets divorced, she might get 50% of the assets, but then what? Spousal maintenance is not common and certainly not in an amount that would allow her to comfortably live without working. She will certainly have her challenges finding a well paid job after a long career break, competing with new energetic youngsters without family obligations.

Exactly this

I certainly remember my salaries. The tiny ones that meant I was constantly skint and could not even afford basic necessities. And the ones that mean my children get everything they need.

How much extra does he add to the food bill?

I bet he doesn't buy much.

When we look back at our lives, we will not remember our salaries.

Im sure I will remember the experiences & choices our salaries gave us. By our I'm including my DH

@Alongcameacat does your partner not work?

GoatCheeseTart. Everybody agrees some people have to work for financial reasons. If incomes are pooled and include one high earner,, decisions regarding family life are not driven by financial need. That is a luxury not many people have and those who can are very lucky.

There are also those who cut their cloth accordingly and forego a second holiday abroad, a bigger car and such ‘extras’ because they favour time and presence over material objects and believe it is the better choice for their family. Their reasons are equally valid.

There are pros and cons with both, i don't know why others care so much if another person chooses a different path to themselves and then feels they can pass judgement. If somebody wants to risk being more financially vulnerable with a possible divorce that may or may not ever happen then that is their prerogative. Likewise if somebody wants to work and not spend as much time with their dc for a financial safety net that is up to them even if through choice. There are prices to pay for all we do... live and let live.

Gosh OP, this is awful! You have nothing because you gave up your career to raise the children and run the home, facilitating his career in the process. Can't you see that your work is just as valuable as his?

Divorce the twat, and make sure you take him for everything you can. I'm raging for you!

I sincerely hope this isn't real.

If it is, you need to face this head on and see it for what it is. This has absolutely nothing to do with SAHP being lazy because some will be and some WOTH parents are lazy. It's irrelevant.

What is relevant, is your financial situation. I can never understand - generally women - on these posts saying how many thousands of pounds their partners earn but they have to ask for any small scrap! Why do you tolerate this?

Why on earth would you want to stay with a partner that abuses their financial position so much and doesn't even contribute to the household chores or childcare? I honestly don't get it!

Sit him down and tell him what you want, or tell him you're going. He'll have to pay out one way or the other but I'd personally talk first.

You shouldn't have to live like this and from your posts, I can't see what his charm or attraction is 🤷🏻‍♀️

@CayrolBaaaskin: @CurlyhairedAssassin - of course there are some people who cannot have flexibility in their jobs. That’s not all high earners though and ime women tend to ask for flexibility and men do not because they do not want to have to do childcare etc. I’m not sure from your post whether or not your ex wanted to participate equally in your dcs life but it doesn’t seem like it.

I'm not sure if you're getting me mixed up with someone else. DH and I are still very much together. We both work FT now, he has worked for the last 20 years in a very inflexible role which is quite specialist and outside "the norm". When he IS here, he's always been very hands on. He's just not actually physically here very often and he has no say in that whatsoever. It's hte nature of the role. He could leave and retrain in a more family friendly career I suppose but that would mean starting at the bottom, so we both wouldn't be happy with that, household income-wise. We started a family in the knowledge that the bulk of the childcare and house stuff would fall to me, and we were both happy with that. He is not on a 6 figure salary, no.

@Camobag

It’s genuine. The house is his - it’s in his name. It might be split if we divorced but right now it’s his. Everything in it is his. I don’t have anything at all. I used to have some savings but now they are gone. The thing is if we split he’d be able to give the children anything and take them anywhere. What would I be able to give them? I’d be living hand to mouth. And right now will I even be able to find a job? I’ve no family to help with childcare so I’m going to have to pay childcare during the holidays etc.

You would have PLENTY to offer them . Once divorce finalised you would have AT LEAST half of all assets and maybe more as you are the primary carer for the children.

You would also be showing you kids that women don't have to be beholden to a man because YOU enable his earnings by caring for HIS kids...

How much would he have to pay to have his kids looked after if you were 'run over by a bus' ?? How much would he be able to squirrel away after paying a nanny, cook, cleaner, gardener etc ?

Time to be brave and show your children how strong you are !

Camobag

PLEASE go see a lawyer as a first step and get some knowledge. You lack power in this relationship and knowledge IS power.

You don't need to start divorce proceedings. But you WILL KNOW your options . At the moment you no nothing. You can't make any decisions without knowing your options .

Im always bemused by SAHPs who seem to be under the impression that having a career automatically means your children are in childcare from dawn until dusk five days per week. I’m sure that’s the case for some people but it’s really not for me or most people I know, and we have zero family help. My husband and I both work four days per week, which we decided before conceiving would be the arrangement. So kids are in nursery three days out of seven. I do drop off at 8am and he does pick up by 5pm on those days-he works his day earlier than me, so that he is finished by then.

I’m very aware that we’re fortunate to have roles that allow this but it’s perfectly possible for many other people too. Working four days each allows us both to progress our careers as we’re still taken seriously in our workplaces and the children still have more days at home with us than not. Win win.

Sometimes I think that some SAHPs prefer the narrative that a career would mean never seeing their kids, in order to justify the choice, but it’s really not the case. And anyway there’s no need to justify a choice that’s perfectly valid (if highly unwise in my opinion!)

And OP, please please listen to the good advice you’re receiving on here, your position is the stuff of nightmares for women but you’re young enough that you can turn it around. You need to believe in yourself but that will require ignoring everything your dick of a husband has drummed into you about your lack of worth. It’s not true.

I am always bemused that people can’t think beyond their 9-5 role and that some people might work shifts and that two people working unpredictable shifts or on call with no family help might find it impossible.

It’s no one else’s business, I don’t care what other people do or pretend to on the basis of spurious financial concerns for strangers.

I'm always a bit bemused by people that seem to spend far more time than seems entirely reasonable obsessing over other people's choices, and how others might be perceiving their choices.

Get on with your own bloody lives people! We all make our choices, we all either enjoy or suffer the consequences of those choices. And I think most of us enjoy sufficient intelligence and capacity to be able to see the obvious risks and sacrifices attached to our choices.

So much bemusement!