To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

@ShebaShimmyShake

So much bemusement!

All the bemusement!

@mbosnz

I'm always a bit bemused by people that seem to spend far more time than seems entirely reasonable obsessing over other people's choices, and how others might be perceiving their choices.

Get on with your own bloody lives people! We all make our choices, we all either enjoy or suffer the consequences of those choices. And I think most of us enjoy sufficient intelligence and capacity to be able to see the obvious risks and sacrifices attached to our choices.

Sadly a quick read of the relationships board will tell you quite how many women there are who are terrifyingly ill-informed about the risks attached to giving up a career, particularly but not only while unmarried.

And we’re on a discussion forum aimed at mums....is it not reasonable to be having some healthy discussion and debate about these issues? I know I have learned a huge amount from them and I (wrongly) considered myself quite well informed! No obsessing here, just chat, and if you have no interest then there’s an obvious solution!

@ShebaShimmyShake

So much bemusement!

Sorry, silly choice of word really! Although sometimes I do feel like I wander through life with as permanent feeling of bemusement these days...!

@Jumpingkangeroo

I am always bemused that people can’t think beyond their 9-5 role and that some people might work shifts and that two people working unpredictable shifts or on call with no family help might find it impossible.

It’s no one else’s business, I don’t care what other people do or pretend to on the basis of spurious financial concerns for strangers.

If you read my post I did acknowledge that we’re lucky to have our roles, so I’m not sure why you think I can’t imagine that it’s not the same for everyone

I do think that people for the most part have a lot more agency over their job choices than they like to make out (particularly men) and that there are very few people who genuinely have no other choice than very long hours of childcare all week or a SAHP.

@mbosnz

I'm always a bit bemused by people that seem to spend far more time than seems entirely reasonable obsessing over other people's choices, and how others might be perceiving their choices.

Get on with your own bloody lives people! We all make our choices, we all either enjoy or suffer the consequences of those choices. And I think most of us enjoy sufficient intelligence and capacity to be able to see the obvious risks and sacrifices attached to our choices.

Exactly this! Especially the faux concern which is usually jealousy. Who cares what other people do if it works for them. I doubt any divorce has zero financial implications for either party.

@GeorginaTheGiant what do you do? I gave up my career after two jobs told me no to pt working and I searched for 2 years for a school hour job. Now that I'm in that job it's very low pay and I hate it. But I darent give it up.
OP I think you're being financially abused. You sound like you'd be better speaking about this in RL. At least go and see or speak to a solicitor who offers free half hour. They do exist.

'Exactly this! Especially the faux concern which is usually jealousy.'

I often wonder this too as there is concern for a strangers finances then there is concern verging on obsessing and telling people how to live. I think you have to do what is right for yourself and your family. I think adult women are capable of making their own life choices and are aware of the risks.

I’m glad I stayed home with my kids. There I’ve said it. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Don’t feel sorry for me because you are worried about my poor financial planning.

@Jumpingkangeroo I’m jealous of many things in life but I can honestly say there’s not a bone in my body that’s jealous of a SAHP. It’s a viable option for me as my husband’s full time salary would cover our costs but the idea sends shivers of horror up my spine. I’m really not that invested in what choices other people make because it’s not my life-making passing comment on an issue that has been raised on a discussion forum really isn’t ‘obsessing’ about something or telling anyone how to live! And I repeat the point that it’s misguided to assume that most women are well informed about the real and long term implications of giving up work. I’m surprised any Mumsnet poster isn’t aware of quite how many women sleep walk into horrible financial positions, it’s a recurring theme on the boards every day!

[quote turquoisecarpet]@GeorginaTheGiant what do you do? I gave up my career after two jobs told me no to pt working and I searched for 2 years for a school hour job. Now that I'm in that job it's very low pay and I hate it. But I darent give it up.
OP I think you're being financially abused. You sound like you'd be better speaking about this in RL. At least go and see or speak to a solicitor who offers free half hour. They do exist. [/quote]
I’ll be vague but I’m in a type of consultancy. My employer is pretty open to flexible working but it definitely helps that Dh and I established ourselves in our companies then asked to drop a day. Finding professional roles that are part time from the outset can be much harder. And dropping one day is less of a big deal than asking to work three days a week, term time only for example. As you have found, school hours only jobs are like gold dust so will never pay well because they will have applicants lined up.

@GeorginaTheGiant I did try to drop one day. When I was refuse I moved to another ft role only to be refused again. By this time my dc has started school. That was very difficult to manage. Nursery years were actually much easier than finding wrap around care. I lived in a commuter town. No work locally so commute was only option for good salary. I was out the home minimum 12 hours a day. Good on you for going four days a week but I would have been happy to do that if I had found an employer willing to allow it.

@Yesterdayforgotten

'Exactly this! Especially the faux concern which is usually jealousy.'

I often wonder this too as there is concern for a strangers finances then there is concern verging on obsessing and telling people how to live. I think you have to do what is right for yourself and your family. I think adult women are capable of making their own life choices and are aware of the risks.

It’s kind of patronising too as if being full time minimum wage on Tesco checkout is going to save you. Real world check needed for a lot of posters.

It’s kind of patronising too as if being full time minimum wage on Tesco checkout is going to save you. Real world check needed for a lot of posters.

I agree. The average UK salary is £34K. Hardly going to live a financially stress free and life of luxury or retirement on that.

[quote turquoisecarpet]@GeorginaTheGiant I did try to drop one day. When I was refuse I moved to another ft role only to be refused again. By this time my dc has started school. That was very difficult to manage. Nursery years were actually much easier than finding wrap around care. I lived in a commuter town. No work locally so commute was only option for good salary. I was out the home minimum 12 hours a day. Good on you for going four days a week but I would have been happy to do that if I had found an employer willing to allow it. [/quote]
I hope I didn’t sound smug, I didn’t mean to at all-I’m well aware I’m fortunate and was just trying to answer your question. It’s shit that you weren’t able to drop even a day-do you mind me asking what kind of roles/employers that was for? Your post makes me realise I didn’t mention that is living in a city where nursery is two streets away and our jobs are both short bike rides away also helps enormously. Throw a long rural commute into the mix and it would be impossible.

I often wonder this too as there is concern for a strangers finances then there is concern verging on obsessing and telling people how to live

Who's telling people how to live?

@cherrybakewellll

Being a kept woman is all well and good until you get divorced!

I mean really?! We are going to let that go unchallenged? It’s as bad as the day orphanage type comments about nursery.

If you feel the need to say things like that (on either side) then you are not secure in your own choices.

@Jumpingkangeroo exactly it's not black and white and so many jobs are average earnings and as you said not exactly much to lose! Hardly a huge gamble from say a massively high up career or something....

Oh I wasnt aware a hardworking sahm looking after young children full time who aren't in school saving the family a fortune in childcare costs is a 'kept woman.' I better tell dh is isn't a good enough job at 'keeping' me than

doing^

Well yes, this is exactly it Alongcameacat. People talk as if you can waltz out of a marriage on an average wage and just seamlessly get a mortgage and carry on. Well, that depends where you live. Try getting anything in most of London on that kind of money. You’d have to up sticks and move out.

In areas where there are a higher proportion of women who SAH - well, to be perfectly frank, they live in houses worth at least several million and the family will have other property and investments too. So they’re not thinking, “think god I’ve got that job.” They are all highly educated women and they are astute enough to understand their financial situations. As if they would risk their children’s futures. They are the last people to need concern from anyone, to be perfectly honest.

I’m not saying their circumstances are “normal” in terms of the national demographic. Not at all, but the fact is, this kind of set up is most definitely normal in areas with a high proportion of SAHMs.

I think it’s 75% of mums who work these days to some degree or other. This is because most families need two incomes in this day and age. So SAHMs are increasingly a rarity - mostly, these days, they are in high-asset families. They are not relying on “his” income because they are not dim and obviously that would go with the DH if they divorced. There has to be more certainty than that.

Put it this way, no woman I know gives up her career unless she is damn sure that she and her kids could walk away from a marriage in a stronger financial position than she walked into it. This is the bottom line.

Which is why it’s so shocking when you hear about women living on allowances. Or even married couples who both work, but do the “my” money, “his” money thing, so that they effectively have different spending capacities under the same roof and even after they share children together. And it’s usually the woman who gets the worse deal here, of course - yet, so many seem to have been brainwashed into thinking living on less than your husband is “independence.” Yay!

Everyone just needs to do what's best for them and their families, that will be different for everyone. Personally I enjoyed going back to work and having more of a balance, I did 3 days and was fortunate enough to earn more in those 3 days than a lot do full time; but I realise not many people have that option. I did so for me, I could have stayed at home, we don't need to justify ourselves whatever our choices. The key is whether we have a choice or not, for those who have forced to either work or stay home beyond their control and aren't happy with that choice, that's where it is sad.

I don't think the advice to be mindful especially if you aren't married is a bad one though, some women are naive to that, and everyone should make their choices fully informed.

@innerspinner I don’t know if this is true. I live in an area (countryside) where a huge proportion of women are SAH, none of which are with high earning husbands. I moved from a city fairly recently and there I knew many other women from very modest backgrounds choosing to stay at home, they were more what you would call ‘crunchy’ parents though, but still wanting the same thing, to be home with their kids. I would say incomes were pretty average £30k but they took the financial hit of no holidays and tight purse strings to do what suited them, I guess. at the time I ran toddler groups so came across many women in this bracket.

No.

OP,
Was this you, back in February?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3823768-Is-this-financial-abuse-Or-am-I-just-being-spoiled?postsby=Breathingunderwater&fromid=93958502