To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

It’s just so strange that it would be the life mission of a working parent to ‘educate’ SAHM. Almost patronising.
Still if one thinks that a minimum wage job on the checkouts is going to ease your path through life, so be it.

Definitely have a LTB, £160k salary and you’ve to feed and clothe everyone on £600pm?? Has he no fuckin shame? sitting on his pile of cash whilst you scrape by.

As a sahm I don't feel like I'm lazy. However I can see how to an outsider it could look that way. I have a one year old who would rather run around than sit and play with me, so to people that aren't in my household that can look like I get all the time in the world to sit around, drink tea and watch tele. The truth is, I actually spend 90% of my day running around after her, stopping her from climbing over the sofa, or roly pollying off the coffee table. Climbing into the window, pulling my tv off the stand. The other 10% is spent tidying, laundry, cooking, cleaning.
I was also very aware that when my dh and I were discussing having children, and potentially making the switch from a full time job to being a stay at home, that if anything was to go badly with my marriage I could be up shits creek without a paddle. So I started saving, I have enough money in savings that I would be okay for a while if our marriage ended. Yes it wouldn't be forever, and I would have to get a job, so I also ensure I keep up to date with my qualifications for my career. It will always be a risk to be solely reliant on one person in the household, but for me that risk is worth it. (Dd also have a few medical problems so working right now isn't really feasible for me as I spend a lot of time at hospital appointments, or at least phone consultations at the moment)

@Jumpingkangeroo I don't think any posters on this thread have life missions do you? Surely they are just providing an opinion on a forum same as you.

most people who start on minimum wage at checkouts are usually not still there 20 years later. If you want to go back to work after 20 year break though, then yes that's indeed where you might need to start.

@Jumpingkangeroo you didn't tell what I'm supposed to be jealous of though?

@GoatCheeseTart

most people who start on minimum wage at checkouts are usually not still there 20 years later. If you want to go back to work after 20 year break though, then yes that's indeed where you might need to start.

Really?! They are in my area, how many do you think rise up through the ranks to become managers?

You could go back to work, so childcare would be needed. He could give you a higher allowance. Or he could pay for more stuff, like all the food and clothes. So your current allowance would cover for activities for the children and yourself, or other things you need and want

I think this has already been broached and the attitude is if Camobag goes back to work then it will be her responsibility to pay for childcare and he would reduce her £600 she earns over that amount accordingly. Hence me saying she would have to get a job on £25000 per annum just to stay in the same position and would still have all the cooking and cleaning to do when she gets home.

The only way out of this is divorce and being a single parent.

It would prove more lucrative and be less stressful than staying

It will also mean that she will be teaching her children a good lesson in life.
If they are boys not to be selfish to the mother of their children and treat them like an equal and if girls to value themselves and not put up with Shit for £600 per month and to be an equal partner in their marriage

The lessons they learn from you divorcing will make them happier in their lives.

Staying. What will that teacher them?

most people who start on minimum wage at checkouts are usually not still there 20 years later. If you want to go back to work after 20 year break though, then yes that's indeed where you might need to start

I would say most are in my area as well.

A lot of supermarkets pay more than minimum wage now, Sainsbury's is around £20k per year if you work full time. The issue is that a lot do zero hour or very low hour contracts and top up with overtime but that isn't guaranteed, and the shifts can change last minute without much notice.

I think the jealously thing is quite an old fashioned view. My peers and I could likely not work but we all quite like our jobs, so it's not just a financial decision. I certainly like mine & am good at it. I work p/t as that's a good balance for me.

@pollypork

Lots of people would be jealous of sahm because they have more free time, more time with their kids, more opportunities to pursue hobbies, don't have to deal with office politics or the stress of work. Sahm might also be jealous of career women.

Pretending that you genuinely can't see the advantages of someone else's lifestyle (even if you genuinely wouldn't want it for yourself) is incredibly unconvincing and makes you look a little too desperate to appear superior.

Adults generally are capable of knowing and accepting risks for themselves.

I work p/t as that's a good balance for me.

Does your DH work part time too?

@HandfulofDust but I don't assume all SAHMs are a homogeneous bunch with the same experiences. What your describing is only the reality for some SAHMs. For example, my friend who is a SAHM with 4 dc including a baby has a lot less free time than my friend who works but has 1 school aged dc. I'm sure some people are jealous but I think it's too simplistic to label everyone as so & assumes everyone wants that path as some posters seem to assume.

Plus lots of us have different values, I enjoy work & my colleagues & find the holidays (Im virtually TTO) to be more stressful! I'm not trying to appear superior in anyway, my mum was a SAHM for a long time & i'm sure I mentioned upthread I had 14 months off with each DC & originally went back 2 days a week, they are both of school age now. I feel I have enough time for my hobbies/dc but equally appreciate some time out from them particularly after lockdown!

@Alongcameacat he does about 4 days a week on average as his work is project based.

What do you & your DH do?

One thing that makes a huge difference to free time when working is location & commute so I acknowledge I have it very easy in that sense. The school is 100 metres from my home, the common where I can exercise is at the end of my road. My office is a 15 min walk away & DH is a short tube ride although obviously now wfh although we did an element of this before. Plus we have gps very close by who like to help out. We considered moving further out a few yrs ago but actually life would be less convenient & we would have less time. One of my friends spends about 3 hours a day getting various dc to & from school, which would drive me insane.

clearly I'm a lazy fucker!

We're going to find it a bit of a shock to the system in a couple of weeks time. I'm going back to work full-time, DH is going back to the office full time, and everyone is going to perhaps appreciate the good ol' days when they had a SAHP, as this little bunny ain't going to be doing it all no more!

There are a lot if woman on here who are married but effectively are financially single. So they live off their own salary and the DH lives off his. They might share bills etc, but the outcome is that one has more disposable income than the other. Usually the man

There are loads of threads where married women are even on maternity leave and have saved up for this, in the full knowledge that the DH will not see any need to support them through this time. So he’s sailing out to work as if nothing in his life has changed, while she is trying to buy nappies out of her savings and child benefit.

So if this is the way society is headed (ie letting men have their cake and eat it under the guise of women having “independence”), then it’s hardly surprising that some people simply can’t grasp the fact that in some families, it doesn’t matter who earns the money because it’s all one and the same.

There is a function to a family - ie caring for your children and giving them the best opportunities you can - so parents will organise themselves accordingly, depending on their motivations, personalities and financial circumstances. That’s all there is to it. After a cost/ benefit analysis, it might be beneficial to have both parents working, particularly if the second income makes a huge difference to the quality of a family’s lifestyle; or both would go crazy at home, etc. But equally, two people working might make less sense if, for instance, one earns hundreds of thousands in bonuses and the other is in an average wage because, unless the lowers earner really loves thst job, what is the point if the money is negligible to your family. You might feel that your time is more productively spent with your kids in such circumstances.

If the aim is to financially provide for you family and one person is better placed to do that - then it makes sense for that person to get in with it. If the other aim is to provide a stimulating, loving daily experience for your child and one parent feels he / she is the best person to provide this - then it probably makes sense to get on with it.

Some women have careers that are easier to return to than others. Some women may welcome the “break” in life to reassess what they want to do next. Many SAHMs have no intention of returning to what they did before - they retrain or start their own businesses maybe.

If a SAHM doesn’t back to work longer-term or at all, chances are there is substantial family wealth accrued to enable her to make this decision. Otherwise, she’d be heading back to work wouldn’t she! So a lot if the “concern” on here is irrelevant. In other words, she knows she could walk away from a marriage in a better financial shape than if she had remained single all those years. It is a conscious choice to live the way she does.

It seems that a certain contingent on MN only wants to acknowledge the downtrodden SAHMs and point out, ad infinitum, the risks. It doesn’t matter how many SAHMs say, “yes thanks, but we’ve got that covered,” they just keep banging on and on God knows why. “Yes, but wait until he leaves you..,, “ “Yes, planned for that thanks....” Yawn.

I definitely don't think every working parent is jealous of every sahm or vice versa. I think the people I both camps who claim to see no advantage of the alternative lifestyle are really betraying their own insecurities.

Likewise the people who think sahms in general need educating on the risks involved. I've also seen people claim that you can never have financial security as a sahm. This is clearly nonsense.

I actually work part time now but when I didn't I had a friend desperately trying to convince me to apply for a low paid admin role in her company. It was a ridiculous idea as it was full time but paid less than part time roles I'd be qualified for (and now do). The salary wouldn't make a significant contribution to savings or household income and it would look bad on my cv. I'd also be rubbish at it because I'm not good at admin stuff and would hate it. She was still insistent that I wasn't aware if my own financial situation or career possibilities. She wasn't even an especially close friend so was very odd that she was even so invested. I do think in her case there was definitely ibsecurity/jealousy involved.

I think most people occasionally wistfully look at other people's lives but for the most part get on with the choices they've made.

@mbosnz How come you decided to go back & ft? Im not sure I could ever work Fridays again? I would like to be back in the office, was supposed to be but they are unsure now.

I never intended to be a permanent SAHP. It just kind of happened, due to incidents of geography.

A role came up in a company I know rather well, that I'd always thought I could do rather well - it's FTC, and entry level, but potentially a good entry into a growth area that uses the skills and education I have.

So I thought, buggrit, go for it. And got it. Despite all my years as a no account drudge at home. . .

@HandfulofDust but some posters have said if you discuss a negative then you must be jealous hence my response. I also see negatives to working full time or having a spouse that works away.
I can certainly see advantages to lots of lifestyles but that doesn't mean Im jealous of them or they would suit me.

Im not one of those posters who believes SAH & you are doomed but like I said my eyes were opened when my friend divorced & I do look at things a bit differently now.

Good for you & good luck @mbosnz

DH (high ish earner) would not get or keep his role if he worked four days. He could however take a lower paid role (30-40K diff) and have a ‘job’ with less responsibility but more flexibility.

I feel I am in a good place to see both sides of the coin.

I didn’t enjoy my job and it was a job, never a career to me. When I had children I wanted to spend more time with them, not least because I didn’t enjoy my job and disliked not seeing my children in the morning and only for a couple of hours in the evening.

After continuously being refused all requests for part time and being in a fairly stressful environment where the job would never change and was one that was never going to tip over 40KI l left. Sometimes I regret it. Most of the time I am happy. I woukd make the same choice again in those circumstances. But if I gained personal satisfaction from something eg like teaching, it would be very different. I am more an advocate of flexible working than giving up work altogether. Sone people are amazing parents and their children benefit hugely from having them around. I’m not sure I place myself in that category tbh but we are pretty happy overall (most of the time anyway!).
We’d be financially better off if I had kept that job but a high price for getting to see the children for two hours every evening and a few weeks off every year.