To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

You sound in a difficult position.

Why have you got no money if your DH is a high earner?
Does he not see the money from his wage as family money?
Being a SAHP to a small child/baby whilst maintaining the house/ doing the majority of running a house is not being lazy IMO.

Think about all the money you being a SAHM saved in terms of childcare/nursery fees.
How would he earn all that money if he had to look after his DC?

Kind of depends. I’m a SAHM with childcare, cleaner, gardener etc. so a lot of my time is filled with leisure-type activities. I wouldn’t say I’m lazy but can’t see the point of working so do things that are more enjoyable.

SAHMs who actually look after children all day on top of doing housework etc are very hand-working IMO.

Tbh, you just sound like you suffer from v low self-esteem.

I’m not going to answer your questions yet OP, because you have so many. Your post title does not match the content of your post.

So what’s really going on here? When you say ideally you would get a job, is this because you want one? Are you bored? Do you want money of your own? Are you safeguarding your future?

Your husband earns a lot - is there a reason why he doesn’t share his earnings? Do you do everything around the house and facilitate his career?

God no. I’m bloody exhausted looking after a toddler. I was genuinely a bit upset that they’ve made me take some annual leave prior to maternity leave as I go to work for a break and some headspace! I’m dreading doing it full time on maternity leave to be honest.

I’m concerned that you have ‘hardly any money’ though. Why are your finances not shared?

Until my daughter started preschool I’ve had her at home and I’ve had both of them since lockdown in March until recently when schools went back. Then ds again for two weeks.

If asked he’d say it was family money but in practice I have a set amount each month for me and the children and it’s not all that much. If I ask for any more money he’s not very accommodating so I don’t usually ask now.

Working parents have nice homes purely because no one is in it in the day to mess it up.

I want a job so I have some money of my own and a pension.

I don't think SAHP are lazy at all but I've done both and I do think it's easier than being a working parent plus I hated relying on someone else for money.

Why do you not have much money? Do you have to ask your husband for money?

So it's not really family money is it and he's giving you pocket money like a child.

How much spending money does he get each month in comparison to you?
Would I be right to guess "your allowance" is supposed to cover DCs too?

“If asked he’d say it was family money but in practice I have a set amount each month for me and the children and it’s not all that much. If I ask for any more money he’s not very accommodating so I don’t usually ask now.”

This is a huge problem OP, you can see that right?

Is your husband supportive of you getting a job? How would you have coped with lockdown if you were both working? Is he the type to deny you money, but make it impossible for you to work?

It sounds like you're in a financially abusive marriage, OP.

Your contribution as a SAHM is immense and your husband's salary is family money, not his alone. You need access to it.

When I was a stay at home mum, I was also a breast feeding peer supporter, I also sold and promoted cloth nappies, I also helped run a mums and tots, So no not lazy. But finding work to fit around child care can be hard. Can,t you jbe more flexible and use a nursery or childminder? Or I have done packing and cleaning in the evenings.

I don’t think they are lazy but I don’t think it’s a job and I don’t think it’s as hard as most actual jobs.
If you are a SAHM I think you should also do most of the housework etc.

But that’s not what your post is about.

Hmm. I think in your position getting a job would be a good idea.

Is your husband willing to pay towards childcare costs to help you get back to work?

God no! Def not lazy. They're his kids too so if you worked he'd have to pay for childcare. Think about how much that would cost. Plus how much would other bits like a cleaner and more after school clubs etc be? So really doesn't seem fair you don't have much money when he's a high earner is he comfortable with this? It says a lot about him if he is.

Also depending on his job if he's away a lot or works long hours. Who would be around to look after the children if you also had this type of job? You might need a nanny or similar. So again this would cost money but is also work.

Some SAHMs are lazy, others aren't. Same as WOHMs.

Back to the point of your post though, you're in a financially abusive marriage, do you realise that?

It sounds like you're in a financially abusive marriage, OP.

That’s what it sounds like to me too.

I don't think sahms of preschool children are lazy, no.

I'm worried that you say you have hardly any money. Married couples normally have their money as family money (even if it's in separate bank accounts). Do you mean that you have no spending money while he has loads? Or do you mean that his salary is taken up by large outgoings like mortgage, bills, etc and there's not much left for either of you to have fun money? The first scenario is financial abuse, the second is just life for many of us. Think carefully about whether it really is as fair as you think. If you were the high earner while he stayed at home, would you spend all the money on you or would you share it with him?

@Havaiana

It sounds like you're in a financially abusive marriage, OP.

Your contribution as a SAHM is immense and your husband's salary is family money, not his alone. You need access to it.

You said what I was trying to say way more concisely! This exactly

It's not family money if you have no access to it and he gives you an allowance like parent to a child. I don't get how you can have a marriage, household and children and not to have money, while the other partner sits on his 6 figure income.

The lazy discussion is irrelevant.

What is your situation? Do you have access to money? Does he give you an allowance? Do you go without necessities? Can you ask him for money?

I'm a sahm of school age dc...dh is not an especially high earner...he gives me money and always asks if I have enough.

No I don't think SAHM are lazy, I've worked on and off through the years, depending on what worked best for our family. It can be very difficult working whilst having small children, especially at the moment. It's concerning that you say your DH gives you and your children a set amount of money. That's not right at all

I do all housework and all childcare. All of it. Always have. Even when I was working.

Wow. Sounds like your "D"H has really done a number on you.