To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

How much money does he have for himself every month?

This isn't about him earning it, it is him dictating how much money he will give you and you feel it isn't enough.

I am a long term SAHM and yes I love being "lazy" with two children in school.I do all housework, shopping etc but Dh doesn't restrict my access to money, I don't have an allowance as I am not a teenager. I have hair cut and coloured every 6 weeks, the boys are booked into the same appointment for a cut. If I want clothes I buy them, if the children need stuff I buy it. I have been married 21 years.

As you are mortgage free it seems a very unequal split of the money. I bet when you return to work it will still be you doing all the school runs etc, his life won't change. This is not a great relationship.

Im a SAHM im not lazy, my day started at 6.30am after only getting 3 hours sleep because 2 out of my 3 children decided to tag team all night and keep me up. I made everyone breakfast, cleaned up, got everyone ready for school/preschool, dropped everyone off, took the dog for a walk, cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and playroom, took the dog for another walk, put away a tesco shop, hoovered, did 2 loads of washing and dried them, picked everyone up, made dinner, washed up, entertained DDs whilst DS had tutoring, bathed everyone, put the washing away, put the girls to bed and am about to put DS to bed. Then i will tidy the lounge and i have some emails to reply too from school. Inbetween all that ive also made 2 important phone calls, booked an optician appointment for DS and DD and talked a friend through something she needed help with. Ive barely sat down all day. Tomorrow i have DD's home all day so it will be less running around and housework but busy in an entirely different way.

The problem isnt that your a SAHM OP its that your DH doesnt value you, you shouldnt have to ask for money you should have access to it when you need it.

I do everything in the house and most of dd’d homework help.
But my husband pays me a ‘salary’ every month.
Even though I’m sure he wouldn’t mind how much I spend of ‘our’ money, I like having my money and do whatever I want with it with total independence.

Sweetheart, your problem is that your DH is financially controlling you. It will get worse as the kids get older as he will control them too.
Your budget is stupid if he has so much more disposable cash.
If you get a job, everything - cleaning, sick leave, childcare - will all be down to you just to keep you where you belong as he sees it - on a lower rung than him.
Is there a family member or friend you can talk to in real life?

You will be able to go back to work at some point, but it is a bit more difficult at the moment, and even more so if you have to keep DC at home because of isolation.

SAHMs are definitely not lazy. My mum did that for a few years, but they had a joint bank account that she had a card for and my dad always made it clear she could spend whatever she wanted, as it was joint money.

My partner and I also pool money, though we do both work.

Out of interest, if you're allowed only a small amount of money each month for you and the kids, what does he spend the rest of his massive wage on?

FWIW if you DO want to get a job, a few of my friends have made a happy compromise by taking roles in schools, for example office staff, teaching support, midday supervisors and I even have a friend who is a lollipop lady and loves it. There are definitely jobs that can fit perfectly around childcare if you want one. It might even help you to get out there and meet some people and have a bit of cash coming in, but if your husband is as rigid as he sounds with his income, you might not have much fun earning £600 a month while he's on 10 x that amount.

Of course it's your money. You're allowing him to go to work whilst you raise his family. It's a shared income

Sahm’s are certainly not lazy in my experience.

You should be in a fortunate position to be able to choose whether you work, as your DH is a high earner. But you are sadly not, because he is
not seeing his earnings as family money with free access, and therefore is clearly not as invested in the family as he is in lining his own nest. This is utter shit, and frankly fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I have no idea why women get into this situation where they are financially beholden to withholding man. You need to be having a frank conversation with him. God forbid you ever split - sounds like he’d be the kind to leave you without a penny if he could.

OP this is shocking, do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? It can’t go on like this!

OP you won’t be entitled to a pension if your not paying in now or he isn’t for you either. So whilst he is sitting in his wages and no doubt work pension too - you will be left with nothing.

This is the biggest risk for SAHM.

He is being a twat with his money. He is paying you less than minimum wage to be a cleaner, chef, nanny and all the other shit jobs SAHP have to do. Your working for zero benefit.

When I was with exdh and I was a SAHP I had full access to all his money. Long gone are the days when men give women keep. If he can’t share his money then leave

Agree with everyone else. He sounds financially abusive. His money is your money if you're looking after his children and keeping his home.

£600 doesn't sound a lot at all. I don't think SAHMs are lazy at all. They are hard working super women! Its a job that isn't paid for in the real world but should definitely be acknowledged by the other half. I do understand where you are coming from "its his money, he earned it" because I feel the same. My hubby takes home 4k a month & I take home 1k (both after tax) I don't pay any bills, he does all that. I put some of mines away in to savings and I spend some on myself too but mostly it goes on my children. Having my own pension is important to me.
Maybe look for a job next year?

Jesus Christ, these type of men disgust me. Presumably he also wanted a family and therefore agreed he would work and you would care for the children, his children too. The amount you have saved in childcare is huge and let's not forget how much of yourself you give caring for your children and your husband. When do you get a break so you can go to a cafe and relax or wander the shops or just have some time for yourself to do nothing if you choose?

Why must women be expected to stop being a person and only 'mum' and 'wife' you are your own person and absolutely entitled to have a happy fulfilling life with all the freedoms afforded to you. He isn't your keeper or your owner he is your partner and regardless of who earns what it 'should' mean equal partners in life.

Op, stand up for yourself find your voice and who you are then stand up for her, your worth is never defined by another. It will never be enough.

OP what qualifications do you have? And how long have you not been working?

As you need to work on a plan to get a decent job so you can leave him.

No, I don't think SAHMs are lazy, the relentlessness of parenting young children is hard. I worked full time from when DS was 11 months old, but he was obviously in childcare whilst me and DH were at work, and then we shared the housework and cooking after work, whereas a lot of my friends who are SAHMs don't tend to get much time to themselves, and often seem to unfair be expected to do all of the house stuff because their DH works.

This is awful OP, so sad that he is financially abusing you. Your husband is a selfish bastard. The reason he can go out to work and have an easy hime life is because you are looking after his children all of the time.
Time to have a serious think about your relationship.

Put it this way - if you left and claimed even the woeful amount of Cm the govt seems you entitled to you'd get around £1100 a month from him

I agree wholeheartedly you're in an abusive relationship op, not "just" financially either.

Make steps to get away from this hideous excuse of a man

As a full time worker, I though SAHM were very lazy and had it easy. Boy was I wrong! Due to COVID - I have been on paid leave since march and let me tell you - working was much easier for me.

When working I had a nanny and cleaner come - I could justify the cleaner as I had no time to clean. Work gave me time away from DS and helped me relax. Since March I cannot justify a cleaner as I am always home. I have a complete new respect for SAHMs. They're 'job' never ends. Cleaning, washing, laundry, baby all until bedtime. There's no such thing as 'me time' at all.

I found it much easier when I was working.

And NO Sahm are not lazy purely because they're a Sahm.

Some are, some wohp are lazy too

But not because of their working/not working status

So he has all the disposable income and you are at his mercy?

Lazy is not the word. Cornered, used, taken advantage of seem more fitting :-/

My DH is currently a SAHP. We have the same allowance amount every month for clothes haircuts and tech or whatever.
Everything else in a joint account for bills, kids expenses and food/fun etc.
An agreed amount goes into savings each month for holidays and other long term aims.
We both have our own pensions from work. Suspect his is better than mine but that's the luck of the draw with an employer sometimes, and I've moved around more.
Nothing has changed since he became unemployed except both our allowances have reduced to meet reduced income.

Try to have a discussion about how other people do this. It will tell you all you need to know I suspect.

SAHMs are not lazy. Looking after children is a job...childcare. It’s just a job some people choose to outsource.

C*amobag...

Does your DH have a pension ? Then you do too !!
*
Pension sharing on divorce which EXACTLY what I would be planning.

Get squirrelling !

Payslips
Proof of his employment
Bank account numbers
Savings location
Isa's
Shares

Photographing high value items

House deeds (doesn't matter if you are on them or not) you are married.
Just whom the Mortgage is with.

Marriage cert
Kids birth certs.

Gather all this together and go see a lawyer.
Some will give you a free session to help you understand your position without having to make a decision. Shop around.

Find out where you stand legally.
Knowledge is power and you are beaten down because you don't know your rights and entitlements .

Get KNOWLEDGE and depending on how he will react either TELL him to start treating you like an equal partner or leave, divorce and be MUCH better off in money and happiness.

I know if I found a job he’d take back that £600 - I have worked since having the children but only part time and my take home was only about £900, which by the time I’d paid for before and after school for three days a week meant I was only slightly better off than I was when I wasn’t working.

But I would have some dignity at least.

Firstly - IMO SAHM's are most DEFINATELY not in the slightest bit lazy.
Christ, looking after children is bloody exhausting.
Secondly, I think it would be good for you to look for a full time job that you will enjoy - give you self esteem etc AND your own money. It is disgusting that your partner is giving you (what sounds like) pocket money/a paltry 'allowance'. He(the controlling arsehole) can pay for full time childcare and a cleaner. Good luck xxx