To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

If you get a job you BOTH share the childcare costs from joint money

No SAHM aren't lazy. You sound like you keep busy. Had you been working in lockdown then he would have had to stay home with children.
£600 would be ok as spends for all 3 of you. However to buy petrol, car insurance etc is something that should come out of a 'house' budget. Same as the food.
£100k and no mortgage is maybe £5k a month after tax? What's happening to it all? Even if bills came to say £1k plus your £600?
Who owns house?
I think you need to work to get some independence & feel safe. You won't have to keep asking for money then.

Do you stop being a parent when you go to work? Touché. So I guess we are all full time parents. But I do think that “outsourcing” is an appropriate term for parents who pay someone else for childcare. Childcare not being the same as parenting of course.

I'm currently a SAHM on maternity, but will continue once that period ends.

My DH "pays me a wage" to run the home - housework, childcare, home admin all come under my remit of "work" while he (usually) works out of the home.
From that wage, I don't pay any household bills (utilities or food for example) I use it for my mobile phone bill, hair or nail appointments, gifts for others, clothes, etc.

This is an agreement we made prior to having DD, we both agreed and it started prior to even becoming pregnant.
We also have a pre nup that covers child maintenance, potential school fees and what money I can/can't have a claim on should we get divorced.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't think I was "worthy" of spending money on as easily as he spends money on himself (using your iPad example here)

If you are in UK, I believe that you need 35 years of National Insurance contributions to claim a full state pension. Current age to claim is 68+

Check your National Insurance contributions via www.gov.uk using your NI number
It will show you exact amounts per year
Even if you are not claiming child benefit money, you can still claim the National Insurance contributions.
You can also check the estimated date that you can claim your state pension & estimate of how much

Information is power

If you get a job, he should pay atleast half of the childcare

Oh love! This post is so sad. Laziness or not has literally nothing to do with what is going on. He's financially abusive. It's not a privilege to stay at home and look after your child if you've had to give up work because you had to pay for all the childcare.

How is the relationship otherwise? Do you love a man who can do this to you?

She's married to someone who earns £100K a year, she shouldn't be worrying about what her state pension will be. Bloody hell.

I don't know what kind of man can earn that much money and watch his wife struggle to afford a haircut and pay for the children's clothes and groceries out her miserly allowance, but it sure as shit isn't a decent loving one.

Bloody hell, OP. This is not great, is it?

It sounds to me like you are treated like a second class citizen, a low paid worker. Imagine what he'd pay for childcare, cleaner, cook. It's going to be massively more than £600 a month, isn't it? He's using (I would say abusing) you.

You are equal to your husband. You are entitled to share his wealth, it's your family wealth.

How is he in other areas of your life? Is he controlling?

So When you are working OP, you have to pay ALL the childcare costs and he pays fuck all?! have I understood that correctly?

Get a job and leave. Sounds like your given a little allowance and he lives off his large income with no mortgage. Sounds pretty awful and one of the reasons I could never be a SAHM as I want to ensure I am financially independent and have my own pension. Your sound like he has treated you the mother of his children like hired help and a cleaner. Cleaners where I am earn around 12 pound an hour and childcare would be thousands a month. You need to start seeing your worth in this relationship...and I say relationship in the loosest of terms

I'd get a job and then divorce him.

This is such a sad thread. Whilst he is clearly financially abusive it sounds as if he has destroyed you OP completely and taken all your self worth and left you thinking everything he has is his

It isn’t. Who enables him to work, who looks after him

I would leave and get what you deserve both in terms of happiness and financially

Depends what a SAHM does. I’ve not held a job for 20 years but I’ve built a house, started a small business and retrained in a new field...my days are future are busy.

I feel for you OP, this is sad. It sounds like although he's given you the £600, he's taken everything else from you. He's on over 100k and he's only giving you that? If it's 'family' money, then it should be in a joint account you BOTH have access too. You mentioned if you went back to work you'd have to pay for childcare, but the children have TWO PARENTS, it is not your sole responsibility to ensure they have somewhere to go.

SAHM are not lazy, I've just gone back to work from mat leave and honestly, it's nice to have the break. Hats off to you for doing that day in and day out because it's hard.

Start to rebuild your life, get a job, start saving for a pension and get the hell out of there.

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

I'd get a job and then divorce him.

This!

He sounds dreadful & you really, really don't have to put up with it.

Consult a lawyer & get what you deserve

You have SAHM guilt OP. I had it too once. When my DD was 12 months, even though my DH earned enough that I didn’t have to work, I convinced myself that I needed to find a job (previous job not viable with kids). I felt terrible guilt for not working, like I was not contributing to society or something!
I found one for a while until I fell pregnant again but I look back now 10 years later and am like WTF? No I really shouldn’t have felt guilty. My daughter was only 12 months! Still a baby! Perfectly reasonable to want to stay home with her if I wanted to (which I did but some sort of mus guided guilt got me)
If you want to be a SAHM and you can afford to, do it. Please don’t feel guilty. The child years go past so so quickly and there is nothing like being able to go to every drop off and pick up, every assembly, help in trips and be there for your children when they get in from school.
It’s an extremely valuable job and one that is sadly overlooked in today’s society. Please don’t underestimate the power of being present for your child, even when they start school.

I don’t think SAHMs are lazy but I think your particular situation is shit because your husband is being tight fisted and unreasonable. You should have access to the money - you’re contributing to your household just as much as he is. You shouldn’t be struggling to get by while he has plenty, that is beyond absurd.

I work full time and always have. It is, in my view, much harder to look after toddlers all day. Once the kids are in school it’s probably easier to stay home. Mine are now in uni and sixth form and I think my retired DH has a much easier life than me.

Never judge until you've walked a mile in somebody else's shoes...

He sounds financially abusive.

Also that he does nothing for kids, even when you had a job outside of the home

Fucking patriarchal marriage roles

I'd get a job and then divorce him.

^^ this!! You would be much better off divorced, not only financially but probably your well-being too.

This is not about SAHMs being 'lazy' - it's about the shocking way your DH treats you. I was a SAHM for 12 years (joint decision by DH & I) but I had full access to our joint bank account & DH earned a lot less than your DH but I didn't have to rely on an 'allowance', if I wanted something, and the money was there I didn't need to ask 'permission'. We are both financially responsible adults and can check the balance and know what our budget can cope with; I also made sure I continued to pay (from my DH's salary if you are being pedantic) my NI contributions to protect my pension.

Do you really love someone who treats you like this?

so basically he works two days a month to pay you and keeps the rest, that is horrendous. we only have family money no allowances/pocket money and OH takes out the least amount and contributes to the household cooking cleaning etc. I think you need to seek legal advice.

I'm sorry op but you really are in a financially abusive marriage - look up the definition if you don't believe us.

I'm not trying to boast but just hoping to get you to realise what is 'normal'. My fiancé earns just over £30k and we have a mortgage yet I still spend more than u each month. And the money isn't viewed as 'his' - its viewed as family money and therefore we have a joint account and I have access to everything.

Your comment about 'not living so long' as your 'only option' sounds deeply worrying - I think you need to talk to someone you can trust. Is there anyone in real life who u can turn to for support/ advice. You deserve more than the way your husband treats you

You are absolutely not lazy. It's a full time job.

Also, maybe I'm being paranoid but not giving you money is pretty worrying. My ex-stepdad used to do that sort of thing to my mum.