To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

If you can't get a job right now, what about doing some online learning to update your skills? Something that will help you towards getting back into the workplace and improve your self esteem.

I personally have no views either way on whether SAHM are lazy or not. As long as you are happy with your choices then it should all be fine - but I don't think you are, and I think it's because your husband makes you feel that way? He's certainly on the mean side and that, for many women, is a massive red flag.

It's such an open question, I'm not sure what you're really asking. I'm a SAHM, youngest is 10 so they're both at school. I am far from lazy though: I do the school run (oldest is at secondary so further away and a total of two hours driving) and I do most of the housework and cooking although we use a gardener. I'm also supporting both my elderly parents who don't live together, so a huge amount of running around and doing three lots of paperwork and three lots of housework. My husband does a lot but he's also recovering from open heart surgery. Plus taking my parents to appointments etc as they're both wheelchair bound. But when I get a chance I embrace a little laziness everyone's lives are different so it's not a very helpful thread.

Don't worry roo much on the pension, in the divorce it's an asset that you have a right too.... As is the house with no mortgage. Your actually in a better position when you think of it like that.

This isn’t really about whether stay at home parenting is lazy but more about you feeling valued in your marriage.

I was a sahm when dc were young and we were starting a new business. Dh was the one working all hours whilst I cared for dc and kept house. However we had a joint account and I had access to it as needed without any comment from dh.

Now dc are at secondary school and our business has grown. I am still at home but do the general admin for business, have a pension with it and 50% of everything in it.

I feel valued by dh and he has never made a comment about me being at home. We are definitely a team and that’s what you need to get with your dh....

If everything he earns is his. Then surely you can just go and get a f/t job and everything you earn is yours.
And dc can look after themselves and if they want to eat then they can go get a job.

Seriously If you weren’t there what do you think your husband would get for £600 per month in terms of childcare, transport to and from childcare, entertainment, food, cooking and cleaning and the 24 hour job you do making sure everything runs like clockwork that allows him to do his £100,000 per year job.

If you divorced at the very least you would get 1/2 the proceeds of the house and CM would be more than you are getting now off him and you get Eow off and he can look after the children.
Plus whatever you earn isn’t going to prop him up.

As in you have a right to his pension, which I am sure will be a substantial amount.

How much is the house worth?

@Camobag

We don’t have a mortgage. It’s things like he broke his iPad by dropping it and just went and bought a new one. That’s way more than he gives me a month. I wait for birthdays / Christmas for things I need - he would just buy them. But he works - it’s his. I am lucky to be able to have stayed at home. I just want to have some autonomy which is why I need a job. I was stupid to give up work.

But he's only able to work because you provide the childcare for free for his children. He would have to pay childcare costs etc otherwise and do sick days for burst covid bubbles etc.

He is financially abusing you. What are you getting out this marriage?
You seem to be treated like an employee.

@Plmoknijb123

SAHMs are not lazy. Looking after children is a job...childcare. It’s just a job some people choose to outsource.

Oh stop it 🙄🙄 so I take it your kids don’t go school then...

I’m a full time parent and own my own business. I’m amazing I can do both

I bet what ever you go out and earn he will reduce his payment by

FFS OP please re-read your own posts.

He doesn't see his earnings as family money - even though you have facilitated his career at the cost of your own saving him ££££s in childcare fees, housekeeping and more.
He can afford whatever he needs whilst giving you and DCs an "allowance" and doesn't want you to ask for more.
When you worked PT YOU were expected to pay for before and after school clubs - even though they are his DCs too!
When you worked all of the housekeeping and childcare was still on your shoulders.

He's a financially abusive tightwad.

In a healthy relationship all the money would be joint, all the bills , groceries, car petrol/insurance and expenses like DCs clothes, childcare and so on would come out of there, you would put whatever you mutually decided into savings/pensions and then you would both have the same amount of spending money.

This is not ok.

OP I want to hug you. This does not sound good at all. You should be living comfortable and well. It is a partnership and he earns a excellent wage with no mortgage.

This is not good for your self esteem. You should feel loved, respected and supported. You don't sound happy and this is not right.

Have you spoke to Anyone about this in real life?

Do you want to stay with your husband?

Why don’t you have a mortgage? Is the house 100% in his name?

Divorce him and get half of everything, savings, house and pensions. That's the best way to get your dignity back.

He's financially abusing you.

I’m a full time parent and own my own business
I’m not really sure how to unpick this but it’s very contradictory.

Honestly, value yourself and your contribution more.

Why are you short of money when your husband would not have the career he does without you facilitating his family life?

I think SAHM who look after pre-school children are AMAZING, I go to work for the break! Looking after children that age is 24/7 job with no lunch hour, holiday or pay.

Once the children are at school I’m just jealous of the free time. So definitely don’t think they’re lazy just mad different choices.

I was always a SAHM. DH was a high earner and it suited us both for me to be at home. When DD went to school I did all the housework, planned meals and so on. However I also had a very nice life, could pretty much buy and do what I wanted, within reason.
I'm just a bit surprised you're short of money!? Just enjoy you're free time, you sound like a bit of a martyr OP

I think what we call ‘laziness’ isn’t necessarily something to be looked on with contempt. If someone opts for an easier life, and they’re not riding along on someone else’s coattails - i.e. both partners are happy with the situation, neither feeling that there’s any element of unfairness afoot - why not? Things can be unequal in certain terms but fair overall. (Though if one partner did voice concerns, those should always be taken seriously, naturally.) We recruit human labour to serve the endless expansion of economic growth; personal fulfilment isn’t on the agenda, but we should look at the bigger picture critically. The demonisation of laziness isn’t always well-placed, IMO. The family unit exists in many forms and equal capital output by both parents is not the only path to egalitarian happiness.

That’s not to say that I think of SAHPs as lazy, btw - I was raised by one and have huge respect for their hard work.

Some SAHMs are last some aren't. Like the rest of us. If you are happy with your lot find. Why are you short of money when your DH is quite a high earner. Is he mean.

Are lazy

@ReeseWitherfork

I’m a full time parent and own my own business I’m not really sure how to unpick this but it’s very contradictory.

Do you stop being a parent when you go to work?

‘Outsourcing’ ‘full time mummy’ are just jibes that other women give to working mothers

No one stops being a full time parent when they go to work.

You are a full time parent even if you work full time.

Your a SAHP if you choose to stay home with the kids.

I didn't work until my youngest went to school then only agency round my hubbya job .but that is a choice we made and we made nowhere near your hubby's wage .but my hubby saw his wages as family income I did 90percent of childcare and all the housework. So my contribution was as valid as his .and the fact he thought that children should always be looked after by there mum and not go to childcare but that's another story .my grown sons laugh at his attitude now .and he is only 55

There are two issues here.

One is the more general question you've posed, which is unanswerable. Some SAHPs work incredibly hard- parents of children with disabilities, parents who have disabilities themselves but still care for children, parents with several babies and pre-schoolers, single parents with no support, parents whose partners work away leaving them with no support, parents who are looking after their own children and parents or other relatives.

Life does get easier for SAHPs once children start school, whereas it doesn't get any easier for working parents, as generally childcare still needs to be juggled around school hours.

However, your particular case sounds like financial abuse is a possibility. You don't have access to family money- and don't forget that if you weren't a SAHP your husband would have to contribute to childcare costs.

You don't have access to £600 per month if you are required to spend most of that on food, household expenses and the children's clothing and costs. The children are equally your husband's responsibility. All those expenses should be coming from a household account which you both contribute to, with both of you having access to an agreed amount of spending money.

Go see a lawyer
You wouldget more if you divorce