To think that the decision to have children is a risk...

[GreenWoodpecker123456]

...because you can never be sure whether you'll enjoy being a parent, what kind of child you'll have etc.

I ws having this conversation with someone and they said it's no more of a risk than anything else in life like getting married or going into a particular career.

I don't agree, because having kids is the one thing in life that you truly can't reverse!

AIBU?

I do wonder what people are expecting when they have kids?

People seem surprised babies don't sleep, have tantrums, cost money, take up energy etc.

Sure not all bad but are people living under a rock?

@pommedeterre

Looking at my friends who haven't had children now (with my eldest just in year 7) it looks like MORE of a risk to have not had them. An anecdotal sample rather than science of course but my friends without kids seem lost and unhappy.

That's a huge leap for you to make saying that your friends without kids seem lost and unhappy.

I can give you examples of unhappy parents who also seem lost and unhappy.

Yes, I can give you examples of friends of mine without kids and the reasons they didn't have them are not meeting the right man, the man they were with wasn't the right one they wanted to be with and to have kids with etc, a few have had counselling over this, they also looked into e.g. adoption but when you judge adoption etc with everyday costs it can be expensive.

Myself - I was a bit lost and unhappy not to have kids but I get great pleasure and joy and don't feel lost and unhappy in fact quite the opposite out of being a loving auntie to my DB's DC.

I agree with you, OP, and not just because of the risk you are taking for yourself but also for the child. If it goes somehow 'wrong' and parenthood turns out to be difficult, there is a child that will grow up with these problems as their main reference point in life. So while the parent cannot escape the consequences of their decisions, they can look at them as somewhat separate from life, because they remember what life was like before them. The child cannot.

Me and DH chose not to have children. Never ever regretted our decision.

I do think though it would be better to regret not having them than to have them and regret it.

So so many do regret having them. Lots of my friends say that they do love their children but if they could go back in time they would not have any.

Apart from all the damage it can do to a woman's body and the fact that a child could be disabled and need care for the rest of their lives, it is also a big risk to a marriage or relationship.

I have lots of childfree by choice friends and they are all still married and seem happy. All been married at least 24 years and all first marriages.

On the other hand most of my friends with children are divorced, several more than once. Still not really happy even with husband no 2 or 3. Out of the ones still together with their first husband only a couple seem happy.

All young women need to be completely clear on the very real impact of motherhood, then they make a choice based on real fact not sentimental bullshit
I think we are fast heading towards this point and when we get there populations will implode unless governments can find ways to incentivize women to bear children

I mentioned a similar idea to the Vampire paradox to my ivf counsellor. She told me I shouldn't have children - for even just mentioning that it was a difficult choice....

MN is the only place I see this. I know some people will argue that it’s the only place people are honest but truthfully everyone else I know seems to rather enjoy having children!

'How can it utterly destroy your body?'

*Incontinence
*Damage down there (eg: potential trapped muscles causing ongoing pain).
*Cesarean scars and stretch marks
*Difficult to shift weight gain
*Hernias and prolapses
*Hemaroids
*Saggy boobs after breast feeding finishes

Probably a ton more too.

I never wanted any and now my fertility is grinding to a halt, I still feel the same. People say “you can just have one” as if bringing a new person into the world is like having a slice of cake. Most of my friends have children and are happy and loving parents, but they have all had hard moments. If you don’t really, really want a child, and all that it entails, then do something else. There are too many unloved children in this world without making more.

@seayork2020

I do wonder what people are expecting when they have kids?

People seem surprised babies don't sleep, have tantrums, cost money, take up energy etc.

Sure not all bad but are people living under a rock?

I don't think anyone's surprised by any of these, but the fact is that someone else telling you about parenthood, whether it's a parenting book or your best friend, or witnessing other people's parenthood experiences, is absolutely no guide to how you will experience it. You are the sum of your own experiences, and you have your own individual child -- no one can tell you what it will be like for you. They are talking about their own experiences. I have close female friends who are brilliantly thoughtful and articulate, and I know are telling me their truths about having children at various stages (I had my child at 40, so my friends have older children, if they have children), but those truths are not at all applicable to me. We are different people with different children.

Most things in life are a risk, but having a child is something you can’t undo.

Can only speak personally, but it’s a risk absolutely worth taking, my son is the best thing to ever happen to me, I adore him. I’m just sad and increasingly regretful that circumstances were not good in my thirties and I never had another, I would have absolutely loved one more. I have the perfect circumstances now, but I’m 43 and feel too old.

This is why I am scared of having children, and why I might not. I think I might be too selfish to be a parent.

When I got with my partner, his son was 14, and I have found it difficult to adapt to having a teenager in the house, and being 'responsible' like you have to be when looking after a young person. I just mean things like really staying on top of the housework, shopping properly and cooking something decent for dinner EVERY night, making sure he always has things for lunches, taxiing round when I'd rather just sit and watch tele .. but at the same time I recognise that being thrown in with a 14yo boy who isn't yours (and is in an awkward stage of teenage moods, so not necessarily up for the whole 'step mum bonding' experience) is very very different to carrying a child, giving birth and loving them. I get on with my stepson, and god knows I'll do anything for him, but I don't 'love' him. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or not.

But anyway I worry about having my own children in case I'm just rubbish at it.

@Bunnymumy

'How can it utterly destroy your body?'

*Incontinence
*Damage down there (eg: potential trapped muscles causing ongoing pain).
*Cesarean scars and stretch marks
*Difficult to shift weight gain
*Hernias and prolapses
*Hemaroids
*Saggy boobs after breast feeding finishes

Probably a ton more too.

Childbirth reduces a woman’s life expectancy by 1 year per child.

I love my son more than anything in the world but I could honestly not reccommend motherhood to anyone.

I know some people will argue that it’s the only place people are honest but truthfully everyone else I know seems to rather enjoy having children!

Working as a counsellor, I assure you this absolutely isn't the case.

It's a massive risk, especially as a woman.

You could end up having kids with a dickhead who leaves you to do everything (childcare, admin and cleaning) and your earning potential greatly reduces if the man decides he wants a lie in on a Saturday morning instead of watching his child or refuses to pick the kids up from school so you end up unemployed or in a shit job with little pay and less hours.

Choose the right man though and you reduce the risk.

Yes but again that’s a rather self selecting model isn’t it? Most people do not have counselling, so it stands to reason people who do will be struggling in some respects.

Yes but again that’s a rather self selecting model isn’t it? Most people do not have counselling, so it stands to reason people who do will be struggling in some respects.

You'd be surprised how many people have counselling actually. And most do not have any kind of severe mental illness or post natal depression etc.

I think that's part of how we grow as people, and part of the reason I wanted children was so my life could continue to evolve

I agree, after years of freedom and dedicating my life to a “good” job just to make ends meet, parenthood has enriched my life beyond what I ever could have expected. It was the best thing to ever happen to me, as PPs have said - the obstacles and challenges are extremely hard at times but you deal with them.

The challenges people describe on this thread perhaps point to a lack of support rather than regretting parenthood itself.

Not having children doesn’t always mean you live carefree without regrets or problems in your life - the problems are just different (relationships, loneliness, sense of purpose, stagnant careers)

It is of course a risk, but how much of a risk depends completely on your circumstances, outlook, and life choices.

but very few people will tell you outright that it can be absolutely brutal

...but would you listen?

I am sure that, when I was pregnant with my first baby, people with children tried to tell me that it wasn't all cute sleepsuits and picturesque walks with a pram. In fact, I distinctly remember my friend and next door neighbour telling me about her first child - how surprised she was that babies didn't just eat and sleep but would cry, with apparently little or no point, for hours.

Did I listen and take it on board? Probably. But my little cherub would be different, wouldn't he? Because I would be the serene and contented mother that she, clearly and demonstrably, wasn't. I would be different, therefore my baby would be different.

Nobody can tell you. Nobody can warn you. They can try, but somehow it all just slides off, once you are pregnant. BEFORE you get pregnant, when you are still hormonally-rational, is the time for warnings. But, again - it's always 'different for me'.

@PlonkItDownNOW

Yes but again that’s a rather self selecting model isn’t it? Most people do not have counselling, so it stands to reason people who do will be struggling in some respects.

You'd be surprised how many people have counselling actually. And most do not have any kind of severe mental illness or post natal depression etc.

My post didn’t say or insinuate they did. But the fact is, someone who is having counselling who is unhappy isn’t really a great surprise.

@CleverCatty

How can it utterly destroy your body?
Well, my cancer was as a result if pregnancy...and that had quite an effect on my body!!
My 3rd degree tear and caesarean has also left me with permanent and on going issues.
As for mental health, we even with a fantastic, supportive and loving dh, I still developed PTSD aftet having ds... I think things like that can hit anyone out of the blue, tbh.

I think you’re right. I desperately want children and always have, but when I was pregnant (miscarried) I was so so aware of the huge risk we were taking, particularly with our relationship - we are so happy and I’m terrified that children will damage it. I’m also nervous my DH may be a “opt out” father who goes on long bike rides and work trips to avoid the tediousness of children - this happened to my best friend and it scares me. I also find life quite tiring anyway (work very intense job, busy social life, live in London so spend lots of time travelling/commuting) and don’t know how I would cope with children on top of all that and no downtime. But I have this visceral primal urge for children and always have so I’m going to go for it anyway...

@LindaEllen

This is why I am scared of having children, and why I might not. I think I might be too selfish to be a parent.

When I got with my partner, his son was 14, and I have found it difficult to adapt to having a teenager in the house, and being 'responsible' like you have to be when looking after a young person. I just mean things like really staying on top of the housework, shopping properly and cooking something decent for dinner EVERY night, making sure he always has things for lunches, taxiing round when I'd rather just sit and watch tele .. but at the same time I recognise that being thrown in with a 14yo boy who isn't yours (and is in an awkward stage of teenage moods, so not necessarily up for the whole 'step mum bonding' experience) is very very different to carrying a child, giving birth and loving them. I get on with my stepson, and god knows I'll do anything for him, but I don't 'love' him. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or not.

But anyway I worry about having my own children in case I'm just rubbish at it.

I think the two situations are chalk and cheese and that your feelings about a teenager who arrived in your life both fully formed and at a famously difficult life stage, are absolutely no guide to either your 'selfishness' or to your suitability to be a parent (which are not the same thing.)

I will freely admit to being a selfish person. I am impatient, careerist, and the reverse of warm and fuzzy. I hated the baby and toddler stage and went back to work before the end of maternity leave. Yet I adore my child, and I think I'm a good mother.

Yes, huge risk. I did not expect my previously very fit and healthy DH to be suffering from a terminal cancer by the time our DCs were 1 and 3, or dead by the time they were 5 and 7 aged just 37. I provided end of life care at home whilst looking after our children.

If I’d known I’d be bringing up grieving children alone I wouldn’t have had them, firstly for their sake and secondly for mine.

Am I exhausted? Yes. Heartbroken? Regularly. Am I so so very glad DH lives on in his children? Yes. Have my DC got me out of bed every single morning even when I’ve felt suicidal? Yes.