To think that the decision to have children is a risk...

[GreenWoodpecker123456]

...because you can never be sure whether you'll enjoy being a parent, what kind of child you'll have etc.

I ws having this conversation with someone and they said it's no more of a risk than anything else in life like getting married or going into a particular career.

I don't agree, because having kids is the one thing in life that you truly can't reverse!

AIBU?

Parenthood can make you quite selfish. It is obvious why: it’s needed for the future of your child. You have to put your child above everything else. I was a lot less selfish before children.

It is a huge risk, and no matter how much you think you understand the negatives intellectually, living them is another matter. I ‘knew’ my baby probably wouldn’t sleep well, but nothing prepared me for the actual physical and mental effects of chronic sleep deprivation. It is also hard to conceptualise the idea that having a child alters your life permanently and irrevocably.

One thing I do struggle to understand is why people who find parenting very difficult then go on to have more than one child. Is the need to ‘give’ your existing child a sibling more important than preserving your own mental health?

Oh @tunnocksreturns2019, there are no words...I'm sorry

Tunnocks

I remember your story.

It's a huge risk. There are occasional threads on here from people who regret having their children so it clearly does happen.

If you don't like being a parent or regret having your child it can be very damaging to both you and them, and that's really not something you can definitely know in advance. My own parents regret having me (they have told me this and we haven't spoken for years) and luckily I am pretty well adjusted despite this. But it could be different and I actually think my mother has be irreparably damaged by the whole thing.

I can see why. Because it's easier to just walk away from a man but not usual for a mother to abandon her child or hand it over completely to the care of somebody else.

I'm so sorry tunnocks

It's a massive risk, and not one I personally am willing to take. I have seen what it has done to friends and family, running the gamut of depression, severe injury to their bodies and outright regret and mourning for their past lives. My mum raised 3 of us on her own after our dad died when we were very young, with no help from relatives, and I saw how much she struggled. She did this while caring for a disabled parent. We were always fed, watered, loved and clothed, but I could see the strain on her at times and I am honestly surprised she didn't just collapse. I don't know how she did it. I will always be grateful for everything she has done for us, but her living her experience with her has put me right off having kids. I am a depressed person with issues stemming from the trauma of losing my dad and other things that happened in my childhood, and I think it would be massively unfair of me to have a child because it's the 'done' thing, or because that is what we are biologically meant to do. I would regret it. An old friend of mine gave birth recently after having severe issues with fertility and you can tell from the off she was born to be a mum. It is her life. You can see it practically radiating off her. Whereas another friend, you can see how glazed over she is and done with it all. She loves her child, but you can tell she is over it.

I think a lot of people could do with stopping and thinking before having children, to be honest. Not in a way to mean 'I think others should be like me because I am the best', but I think a lot more thought should go into whether you have the capabilities to raise a child - mentally, physically, affectionately, monetarily etc. Having one 'just because' never sat right with me, and I do find it a bit cruel for a child to be dragged into the world to in an attempt to fix a relationship.

In short - yeah it's a massive risk. To those of you with children, you have my utmost respect and kudos, as it's not something I could ever put myself through. I will continue to dip my toe into the waters of being a care giver by being the best auntie I can possibly be until I am no longer around.

Yep, 100%. But I'd rather have taken the risk and discovered what it would be like to be a mum than never have and wondered about it constantly wondered. Life is full of risks, some bigger than others but you have to take some.

I somewhat disagree with the comment about not knowing what sort of child you will get. You cannot control their physical attributes, but you most definitely shape their behaviour and the people that they become. And Yes, you might not enjoy being a parent all the time; it's hard work, boring at times, frustrating, tiring etc. However, you will always love your children. There's certainty in that respect. If we didn't love them, then the human race wouldn't survive, as we would all feck orf and leave them at their first tantrum. So there is a small risk that you might not enjoy it, but with big risks come big rewards.

Nothing takes over your life like a child. It might be easier for higher earning women, who are slightly detached, but there's still a cost in some way that lasts forever.

Seriously? I'm a higher earning woman and I absolutely concede that my life as a parent is easier because of it as I don't have to worry too much about the cost of childcare etc. But to suggest that I'm more detached from my children because I earn more? That's really offensive and untrue.

I think we are fast heading towards this point and when we get there populations will implode unless governments can find ways to incentivize women to bear children

What could they possibly use as an incentive?
Start to finally value motherhood? Support women fully and properly in the first three years? Proper maternity services that are fully funded? Childcare that is free and of goof quality? Would that even be enough?

My bright eyed intelligent adventurous dds would see through all of that in an instant, because you can't mitigate the responsibility nor the sheer mental load.

Women in Asia are now dropping out of motherhood faster than any other continent in the world, they are also making huge headway with acquiring true independence from men. They don't even want to get married in many cases, preferring a life on their own terms. Thats is where we are headed.

I look at my girls and so hope they won't become caged birds, and if they do I want them to be old enough not to waste their best years doing it.

Creating life and ending life are really the only truly irreversible decisions a person can make, so yes I think you have a point.

It is one of those things where you do have to take a leap of faith and hope that you'll not be one of those people who absolutely regret their children. You can only try and be as prepared and informed as you can.

Even that isn't enough though. I had my first child in difficult and less than ideal circumstances, but although I was previously uninterested in children, I took to it like a duck to water, and although it has been a difficult journey, it's one I'm glad I'm on and I have no regrets. Conversely I know someone who was in an "ideal" situation to have children, wanted them very much, had them, and now fucking hates motherhood to the point where she's basically not functioning. I mean how could either of us have possibly known? I do think people like her are in the minority though. Most people have stages they find extremely tough, but these pass and they find joy in parenting overall

An anecdotal sample rather than science of course but my friends without kids seem lost and unhappy.

They may well be. If they are struggling with fertility then it's very likely that not having children is making them feel that way.
However, if they don't want children and made the decision not to have them, then they could be lost and unhappy for other reasons. In that case it is very wrong to try and persuade them that children will make them feel better, more fulfilled.

tunnocks

Yes, it is a huge risk. I was never maternal, never craved kids. Me and XH left it to chance, we were 33 and 41 when we got married, and 36 and 42 when I had the baby.

I had an awful pregnancy and labour and decided not to have any more.

XH then f**ked off when DC was just 4yo and I was 40..

One thing I said to him at the time when he left was that I would never have had DC had I know that he was not going to stick around, as I never wanted to be a single parent. If I wanted to do it on my own, I would have had kids years before.

Of course I love DC more than anything, they are great company and I would not be without them , but it was hard going, and not what I signed up for. It wouldn't have been so difficult if he had agreed to a regular contact pattern rather than just when it suited him.

DC was the only thing that kept me going after XH left, even in the lowest of the low points, I knew that I had to be here for them as they grew up.

In reality, you are asked more questions when buying a pet than when you have a child. Like where will it live & sleep, what food will it eat, will you be a responsible owner, what is your lifestyle, what care will said pet have if you are away or work. Having a child you can get pregnant, have a baby & you are never asked the same questions beforehand, most pets lifespan will be no more than 10-15 years, having a child you are a parent for the rest if your life.

Agree op. I'm still not sure I want children.

Of course irs a risk and no one should do it lightly. However it’s a risk that is small and a potential gain that is huge, and it is also for many a natural instinct, without it the human race would clearly die out.

The overwhelming majority of people who have kids who they love unconditionally. Not everyone, and for varied reasons.

And some parents have it mentally easier than others, and I don’t just mean drugs, or abusive kids, all presenting different types of complexities, but also people like John venebles, Maxine Carr, people who commit heinous crimes, these people all have or had parents. Who once held them in their arms as tiny babies and didn’t realise what they were holding.

Then you have rhe parenrs who turn out to be abusive, because they can’t cope, or abusive by the way of neglect, emotionally or physically, that they didn’t understand the risk associated with them own selves.

The whole thing is a risk, it’s the level of risk that varies by person.

I would liken it to jumping off a cliff or doing a parachute jump, to see if you like it, once you start it's too late to change your mind!

I didn’t want to die regretting that I’d never had children. Children are a gift. They give you an opportunity to be the best version of yourself, to become more, to love more, to see & experience more. They challenge your ego & this is painful at times but you are on the path to experiencing unconditional love & no other commitment you undertake offers such spiritually important growth. They will return all you give to them as well. Watching them develop into happy little people before your eyes gives you a deep peace & satisfaction, & you realise that your ego wasn’t doing you any favours anyway.

Having your own family is such a joy. It transforms your value system & you can have such fun together. Unlike any other commitment you sign up to in life, this one is truly transformational. It is time well spent.

They don't even want to get married in many cases, preferring a life on their own terms. Thats is where we are headed
I agree and as you say I can't see how governments will be able to incentivise women to bear children once they fully realise the true cost and are able to make a free choice amongst all the other alternatives
So we are headed towards a society of women only who reproduce by pathogenesis 👀

It wouldn't have broken my heart if I couldn't have children, I'm not the least bit maternal & until I got married had not ever thought about having any. We were very close to having to have fertility treatment when I got pregnant & I had made my mind up that if it came to that point I wasn't going to bother. Much as I love ds, even now he is 16 I still wonder if I would have been happier if I had remained childless.

I didn’t want to die regretting that I’d never had children

Would you like to die regretting that you did? Because people do regret it. They just don't talk about it.

On MN they do. A lot.

I want nothing more. I was made to be a mother..... Which is why I think I never will be.