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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the decision to have children is a risk...

375 replies

GreenWoodpecker123456 · 29/09/2020 09:30

...because you can never be sure whether you'll enjoy being a parent, what kind of child you'll have etc.

I ws having this conversation with someone and they said it's no more of a risk than anything else in life like getting married or going into a particular career.

I don't agree, because having kids is the one thing in life that you truly can't reverse!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 01/10/2020 09:55

I think it's actually really dangerous and patronising to say that it was necessarily harder to be a parent during lockdown than to not be - I saw a lot of people on twitter getting upset about that assumption and I think quite justifiably. I found working from home while caring for a toddler really, really hard but I wouldn't want to say that I 'had it worse' than someone who didn't have children but really struggled with their mental health or isolation. DH and I had a conversation about 'if this had to happen when would have been the best time for us?' and we did agree that the best time would have been before DS when we first moved in together (as we'd have just spent lockdown in bed together...) but the worst time wasn't now when we have a toddler, it would have been if we'd had lockdown during one of my periods of serious depression, all of which were before I had children (and one of the worst of which was after my third miscarriage). That would have been much, much worse than toddler-wrangling.

Pelleas · 01/10/2020 10:00

Regarding lockdown, much depends on your employer's attitude and your overall circumstances. It's certainly not as clear cut as 'no children = easy lockdown'.

PortugeseManoWar · 01/10/2020 10:08

@Pelleas

Regarding lockdown, much depends on your employer's attitude and your overall circumstances. It's certainly not as clear cut as 'no children = easy lockdown'.
I think that's true. In much the same way that general parenting is impacted (and can be made much easier or harder) by your job, its flexibility, your employer's family-friendly policies etc, even aside from income, and the types of childcare etc your income affords.
motherofdxughters · 01/10/2020 10:13

I agree.

Janegrey333 · 01/10/2020 10:14

Agreed.

Sugarbeanie · 01/10/2020 10:21

Lockdown has been hard for everybody, some more than others, and irrespective of whether you have children or not in many cases.

Mumoftwo1994 · 01/10/2020 11:01

@GreenWoodpecker123456

...because you can never be sure whether you'll enjoy being a parent, what kind of child you'll have etc.

I ws having this conversation with someone and they said it's no more of a risk than anything else in life like getting married or going into a particular career.

I don't agree, because having kids is the one thing in life that you truly can't reverse!

AIBU?

I'll be honest I had no plans to have kids, in fact I didn't want them. I now have twins (7 months old) some days are okay, other days I miss my old life so much. In hindsight perhaps I'm too selfish for kids I don't know. But for my partner termination was a no go and I wasn't sure about it either. All I'd say is make sure it's really what you want.
Elsewyre · 01/10/2020 11:09

@GreenWoodpecker123456

...because you can never be sure whether you'll enjoy being a parent, what kind of child you'll have etc.

I ws having this conversation with someone and they said it's no more of a risk than anything else in life like getting married or going into a particular career.

I don't agree, because having kids is the one thing in life that you truly can't reverse!

AIBU?

Adoption?
thisusernameismine · 01/10/2020 13:56

@Mumoftwo1994 when my daughter was 5-6 months old I thought I am not cut out for this, it was SO hard and she was 1 of 1! But closer to 10-12 months if just clicked and now she's 2 and the bestest friend, so much fun - I used to also feel I was too selfish for motherhood but that thought has gone away now. Hope it gets more stable for you soon x

thisusernameismine · 01/10/2020 13:58

Lockdown was hard work with a toddler but I was unbelievably grateful to have her and my DH at home with me. I felt most sad for my single friends who lived alone, I think that seemed the most difficult - MH issues or not.

Mumoftwo1994 · 01/10/2020 15:15

Thank you for that Because at the moment it’s hard see a way through.
I’m looking forward to those days.

smurfette1818 · 01/10/2020 19:31

@TheClawww

One of the biggest things that puts me off having children is the way parents gush about parenthood.

Here are some examples right here on this thread:

"the first time [we get to] experience true unconditional love"
"the most amazing thing I've done"
"parenthood has enriched my life beyond what I ever could have expected"
"the best thing to ever happen to me"
"Having children [was] the most incredible, amazing and rewarding experience"
"joy and sheer wonder that comes from creating life"
"they enriched my life beyond my expectations"

etc etc etc

These aren't normal phrases. This is the kind of thing I'd expect to hear from someone embroiled in a cult, or on drugs. Or - dare I say it - the kind of thing someone would say when they're trying to cover up to themselves and others that they've made a mistake.

That in combination with the pressure of society puts on parents to make it out to be great, plus the stigma on parents who admit they don't like it - makes me really worried that having a child would brainwash me - both hormonally and socially.

People - especially parents - are heavily, heavily biased into saying that having kids is amazing. This bias isn't just social, but hormonal and probably psychological.

@TheClawww this is so true! My friend and I once talked about this and we thought we are the only people who had this thought. It is very rare to find a parent who would calmly say that having children (like everything else in the world) has both positive and negative sides. I literally know one person who said: "yeah, my boys are great but my life would be great without them, it is just different life".

One other thing: most of them also think that their children are outstandingly smart/beautiful/creative/special etc. Again, all the parents I know, I know exactly two parents who described their children as average normal children.

Personally; I plan to have children as I want them but I don't hold the view that my children will be special in anyway (I suspect they are likely will be average children/people) and I expect it would be the most amazing experience, I think it will be hard work and huge sacrifices will have to be made.

Some common examples to add to yours:

  • "a life without children is not worth living"
  • "if someone told me I have a fertility issue I would go and kill myself (this is in respond to hearing a news that someone in our friendship group just been told by the doctor that she can't have children)"
  • "my lovely beautiful daughter/gorgeous boy" (I know this is just a phrase, I still think it is a bit strange to say that about your own children, maybe it's just me?)
  • "Now I have children, this is it! I would be happy forever, I don't care about anything else; career, material stuffs, environment, my husband, politics, the country."
smurfette1818 · 01/10/2020 19:33

I don't expect it to be the most amazing experience

gingganggooleywotsit · 01/10/2020 19:41

I agree it's kind of a risk, but it's important not to over think it!

PortugeseManoWar · 01/10/2020 19:42

@Mumoftwo1994

Thank you for that Because at the moment it’s hard see a way through. I’m looking forward to those days.
I felt similarly at that stage, @Mumoftwo1994. I used to stare at young women cycling past in wonderful clothes or sitting by themselves reading in cafés and envy their solitude. Just keep breathing. It gets easier and more fulfilling all by itself without you having to do anything in particular, and you get yourself back into the bargain. I know some on the thread don’t agree, but I feel I’m pretty much the person I was before motherhood, but with a child I adore.
HowFastIsTooFast · 01/10/2020 19:52

I've wrestled with this a lot over the years, but I'm approaching my late 30s now so my mulling it over time is well and truly up and on balance we are TTC.

Can I be absolutely certain I won't regret it? No and that's terrifying. But deep down I think I'm more scared by the idea of getting to an age where it's no longer possible and never having tried.

Unlike younger parents I've lived nearly 20 years as a childless adult, doing exactly what I want and when, so I can well envisage what the next 40 years would look like without the challenge and adventure of children. If it doesn't happen for us I'm certain we'll still have a lovely life, but at long last I feel ready to take a leap into the unknown.

missmouse101 · 01/10/2020 19:54

I really agree OP.

Duggeehugs82 · 01/10/2020 20:01

I agree and i think if u have a disabled child u dont ever think it will happen to u , i thought of the risks of my life before having my children but i never factored in the possibility of having a special needs child. Soim not even having the same parenting experience as most parents 😔

Duggeehugs82 · 01/10/2020 20:02

I guess my post wasnt clear i, have a disabled child. And as awful as it sounds i k ow which road i would have prefer to go down.

HowFastIsTooFast · 01/10/2020 20:15

@Pelleas

Regarding lockdown, much depends on your employer's attitude and your overall circumstances. It's certainly not as clear cut as 'no children = easy lockdown'.
This ^

I have a couple of single/childless friends who were WFH and really, really struggled with lockdown.

Meanwhile my best mate was lucky enough not to have to work when her DC were off school and absolutely loved all the extra time she got to spend with them.

There's no pattern to who was more affected and how.

Newmumatlast · 01/10/2020 20:31

@TheClawww

Absolutely, and I wish more people stopped and weighed up he risk critically before barrelling ahead with such a life changing decision. To many people have kids because "that's what you do" or just have them by accident!
Absolutely this
wishingitwasfriday · 01/10/2020 20:42

My sister was desperate for children. She has two wonderful daughters but I don't think she actually enjoys parenting them. She never seems happy, there's a constant competitiveness with all the other parents and I fear that their childhoods will fly by without her noticing. I think it was always what she expected to happen but had never actually given thought to why she wanted them and what it might be like.
My other sister has never wanted kids and is constantly told what she's missing out on (by all and sundry). She's happy, relaxed, doing well in her career but people always feel sorry for her that she doesn't have kids and question how she'll look after herself in old age. She always responds that her husband moved from Australia to the uk, he has no siblings, and so his parents will have to look after themselves, even though they have a child. You only have to look at the many threads on here about toxic families to prove it's no guarantee that your kids will be there in your old age.

Newmumatlast · 01/10/2020 20:42

I had my child after IVF so spent some time being childless not through choice. I also spent a long time suffering comments from people who seemed to have sipped the motherhood kool aid - you never know love like this, it's breathtaking, I live for my kids etc etc.

I did start to believe that maybe I really couldn't understand certain things until I'd had kids (eurgh)

I now have a child. Yes I feel very lucky. Yes they are in my view amazing. However is it love like I've never felt before? No. I'm actually lucky enough to have an amazing husband I genuinely feel that sort of love for where you look at them sometimes and it makes you emotional because you're overwhelmed by love. It is insulting to assume that just because you may not have experienced true love until you're a parent, childless people therefore never will. That's a load of bollocks. And i can say that for sure now I'm on the other side, as it were. I can also honestly say I've not lost myself or become just mum or anything like that. I still have my career. I am still myself. I think it is important I keep that - yes my child is absolutely the most important person to me alongside my husband but I am doing her no favours if I prioritise her needs above being my own person as all that teaches her is to do that herself when she is older and I want her to love her life and be herself. You can be a great parent without being a martyr to the cause. I also now know that my opinions on parenting issues have not changed a great deal at all. Funnily enough I had the intelligence to make rational decisions and form valid opinions before I birthed a baby.

I could go on but you catch my drift.

Obviously you never know how you'll be or feel post child but don't be put off by the cultish behaviours of some ;)

That said totally agree with the OP that people should consider their decisions.

GenevaL · 01/10/2020 20:45

Bizarrely, it’s one of the most massive, life-changing decisions you can make and somehow one that a lot of people go into without really thinking about it. It’s almost like the sheer number of children on the planet makes people think it’s no biggie to introduce another.

thisusernameismine · 01/10/2020 21:25

@Mumoftwo1994 agree with what @PortugeseManoWar said - and I'll add that I'm a much better person myself now, I know this isn't necessarily the norm but it's true for me. I'm also completely clear of the eating disorder behaviours that plagued me for over 25 years.

I often think how wonderful it would have been if my DD had a twin, you will love it when they are a bit older and more independent and totally love playing together. X