To think that the decision to have children is a risk...

[GreenWoodpecker123456]

...because you can never be sure whether you'll enjoy being a parent, what kind of child you'll have etc.

I ws having this conversation with someone and they said it's no more of a risk than anything else in life like getting married or going into a particular career.

I don't agree, because having kids is the one thing in life that you truly can't reverse!

AIBU?

@Friendsoftheearth totally relate to that.

Of course the risk is huge.

When it works, however, so are the rewards.

I have two amazing DCs and they enriched my life beyond my expectations. I think they are happy and I am certainly very happy and fulfilled through having them. DH loves having a family with me and we learnt a lot about ourselves and each other in the process.

That’s not to say we don’t experience challenges. Of course we do. But the experience for me has been overwhelming positive and my life life is full of love. If anything, the whole Covid shitshow really drove home just how happy we are as a family.

I agree.

Why do you say thankfully?
I think a falling global population would be a good thing.

I suspect because it’s not as simple as more humans bad, fewer humans good - it’s a question of our demographics.

But yes OP, it’s a massive risk in virtually every way. And irreversible. I only have one and I would like another but there’s a huge part of me that just thinks - I have a healthy child. I came through the experience relatively unscathed - if a very mild bladder prolapse is unscathed, and I think it probably is in the scheme of things. I mostly enjoy being a parent to my son (although not always). And I’m just not sure if I should roll the dice again.

I do think we should be honest with people, especially women, about what a risk it is and how vulnerable it can make you. That said, before we started trying to conceive, I made a mental pros and cons list about becoming a parent. And the cons list was probably about three times the size of the pros list. But we still did it anyway.

I cant think of anything worse than having children. The idea terrifies me. I'm not up to it, I don't want the terrifying responsibility.

@waterproofed

Of course the risk is huge.

When it works, however, so are the rewards.

I have two amazing DCs and they enriched my life beyond my expectations. I think they are happy and I am certainly very happy and fulfilled through having them. DH loves having a family with me and we learnt a lot about ourselves and each other in the process.

That’s not to say we don’t experience challenges. Of course we do. But the experience for me has been overwhelming positive and my life life is full of love. If anything, the whole Covid shitshow really drove home just how happy we are as a family.

Totally agree. I have one DS and would like one more DC.

Children are a big responsibility which is why i only want one despite belonging to a religion which encourages us to be fruitful and multiply- Judaism.

the main reason is climate change. Just like you can't undo a child, you can't undo an extra person's carbon footprint. Once a child is born in the western world, chances are this child would live until 90. Once a child is born, society has been programmed to save this child/future adult at all costs, even if there is absolutely no quality of life and the person is eating through a tube and unable to recognize any loved ones. So this person would be consuming the earth's finite resources for the good part of 90 years.

Just look at covid 19; even the world is overpopulated, we are absolutely committed to shutting down society to save the elderly, which is absolutely the correct thing to do. Its easier to commit to have 1 child so that we can have population decline without affecting the lifespan of the living.

I do agree totally with the OP but surely there are things you can do to prepare for parenthood (to a certain extent!)
I disagree with the vampire analogy for this reason. You can’t meet a vampire or ask to try out vampiring for a week or so. It’s fairly easy in society (admittedly pre-Covid!) to spend time with children of friends and family. If you’re thinking parenthood might be for you, why not offer to look after a friend’s children while they have time to themselves, look after nephews and nieces, find out how tiring it is! Obviously you can’t experience the hormonal or parental instincts this way but you should have a fairly good idea of the practicalities and relentless nature of looking after children if you’ve had a taste of it. I had so many frank conversations with my mum about parenting and asked all sorts of things before deciding it was something I wanted to do. I also worked with children day in day out as a student and baby sat regularly. There’s so much information out there on parenting and childcare, you can find out nursery fees, cost of pram, cot etc.. all before making the decision to conceive.
Obviously once baby arrives, yes, it’s irreversible, but unless there are issues like disability or SEN, I think a parent can prepare themselves fairly well and know on the whole what they are setting themselves up for.
Also, as PP said, I’m happy with one as felt so fortunate to have one healthy child that I don’t want the worry again of unknowns during pregnancy and birth.
All these things do need to be considered beforehand and I think if you’re as prepared as you can possibly be, you’re in a better position to make the right decision for you.

I think it's absolutely true it's a risk.

But I also think the way it's framed in the OP misses out the degree of adaptability you have as a parent (I also think this is something we don't talk about enough in general).

You might not enjoy being a parent. You might be a terrible parent (IME people actually worry about this a lot more than they let on). You might dislike your child.

But, you can actually change those things. We're not forced into being a certain kind of person. My DP and I both had abusive childhoods and have rotten models of parenting. Rightly or wrongly, I worried a lot about becoming a parent and she didn't much, but we have both had to put a heck of a lot of work into parenting and changing the kinds of parents we are. I suspect we are always going to need to work against our own instincts/learned responses at times.

I always find it weird when someone says they don't enjoy being a parent and then they describe what that means to them - and they're describing a situation that's totally changeable, something they could easily choose to do differently, but they haven't thought about it or they haven't given themselves permission to do things differently.

It is a risk. I hated being a parent of young children: constantly exhausted, never having any time to myself, having to relentlessly entertain them, not having my own personal space ever. Yuck. Now that they're 10 and 7 I like it just fine and they're scrumptious little beings who I love dearly. I wouldn't have another one though because the idea of having years of that again is just too horrible to contemplate.

I'm currently expecting my first and quite often have a little freakout to myself about this, even though the child is much wanted and tried for (including fertility treatment). I have lots of nieces and nephews and teach young children, so I have a fairly good idea of what I'm letting myself in for - the good, the bad and the ugly - and I'm well aware of all the risks, as well as the rewards.

I know lots of it will be hard. But I think that's part of how we grow as people, and part of the reason I wanted children was so my life could continue to evolve. Obviously there are other ways to keep your life evolving, but procreating seems such a fundamental human experience that I didn't want to miss out on it. Most other people seem to manage to cope with whatever parenthood throws at them, so hopefully I will find that strength too when I need it.

Yes it's a huge risk. I started my family when I was young (ish) idealistic and optimistic. If I'd had the wisdom and awareness i have now i might not have had any.

My eldest has ASD and ADHD (fairly mildly if I'm allowed to say that) but it's hampered his life in many ways, educationally and socially in particular. He's always going to need help and support which we're happy to give for as long as we're alive but I do worry about his future a fair bit. Luckily we can afford to help him financially as I think he'll struggle to get a well paid job.

It strikes me how he could have been afflicted much worse and one of us - probably me - would have had to give up a career to care for him. When I set out I didn't give a thought to the risk of having a child with any sort of disability.

I also feel very guilty because it's now clear that ASD runs in my family. I have many traits of ASD and ADD myself (no formal diagnosis) and if I'd realised earlier I might have decided not to risk passing it on. I live him to bits but I fell like I "did this to him". When I had him though, doctors said ASD was not genetic.

It's not like they reach 18 and job done, I'll worry about mine until the day I die. I can't believe I once considered this huge responsibility so flippantly.

Placemarking so I can come back to thread

@Fightthebear

Years ago I read a study of women in old age and the women who had actively chosen not to have children reported levels of contentment the same as those who had children.

The group who were less happy were those who had wanted children but who hadn’t been able to have them.

This is an extract from the Psychology Today article I linked to up thread

^In her review of the research, Chrastil found that the women who describe themselves as involuntarily childless were more likely to express regret than those who said that they had chosen not to have kids. But that only happened when they were asked specifically about their regrets about not having kids.

“…when women are asked more generally about their regrets, without specific mention of children, there are no differences in the total number of regrets between mothers, voluntarily childless, and involuntarily childless women. Even among the involuntarily childless, women asked about their general regrets in life are not likely to spontaneously mention their regret for not having children.”^

I agree... even in this day and age there's an expectation to have dc, especially if you're a woman. My guess is there's probably a lot of people out there who wouldn't have had dc if this expectation wasn't out there.

Thanks Counsellor, interesting article.

Agree!!

I think regret is quite uncomfortable, so although a minority of people will say they regret the choice either to have or not have children, I think most people will tend to look at the positives and justify the decision they have made to themselves.

Which is quite comforting really, because it works whichever decision you make!

It is a big risk, but there are other decisions which are equally or more risky in life and not ALL other things can be reversed. I can't decide at 40 to become a ballet dancer. When we select a certain path, other options become more limited or closed down and this starts fairly early in life. And some decisions can have permanent effects. Eg a decision to go snowboarding that results in a broken neck and paralysis.

@3ormorecharacters

It is true that by taking on new challenges and stretching ourselves we are able to grow as people but thise challeneges needed only be children. In my experiance having kids does tend to cut you off from anything else that might also allow you to grow and develop as a person, especially when your the mother. Its depressing and I only hope I have enough left in the tank when mine are up and away but honestly I am not sure I will. If you have money and lots of support maybe.

@HEYAhhhhhhhhh

You have to be maternal/paternal to begin with. I think it's very pessimistic to think that way.

I don't think it's true at all that you need to be 'maternal or paternal' in advance -- that suggests a very prescriptive view of parenthood. I would not describe myself as either, I never longed for a child, and had my son aged 40, mostly out of curiosity, yet I have a child I adore and to whom I am a 'good enough' mother.

And I think thinking about the risks intelligently in advance of having a child is a good thing. Being someone who coos over prams and says all they've ever wanted is to be a mother is no guarantee of being a better parent than the person who is ambivalent about ttc.

@festfestfest But I guess you can enjoy ballet, and take classes all your like if you so wanted?

Having children is a huge risk. But I think it's also fair to say that not having children is a risk too. You risk regretting it later on in life.

For a lot of people, children aren't necessary for a happy fulfilled life. For some people, they may regret not giving parenting a go. But what is true is that children completely change your life, sometimes in quite painful ways. So neither choice is risk-free.

At least if you decide not to have children, you're only risking your happiness. If you decide to have children and then wish you hadn't, I imagine it's a lot worse.

I think that spending a few days reading threads on here should be mandatory for anyone thinking about having children. It is not true that there isn't enough information about the realism available - I knew what was involved in having kids 30-odd years ago, in the pre-MN days and decided that I didn't want that for my life.
I'm not immature, irresponsible and my life is not a round of parties and long holidays - I just didn't want children in it. I didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want to give birth. I didn't want to be a parent.

It is easier for young women these days to make the choice to be childfree - my own adopted daughter doesn't want children and at 14 I know she means it and will support her (even if she changes her mind!). I think that it is more acceptable and so more women are starting to allow themselves to opt out of it all. Men too - but it's always easier for men to dump their children whilst for women it is a life long commitment.

As I've never had the biological urge to procreate I don't understand it other than from an intellectual standpoint. But I do wonder if even if people feel it that they shouldn't then stop and think about the consequences of their actions. I also think that there are few too many women who have children because it is the next thing to do....Uni, career, marriage, house babies and that our society needs to make it ok to have a different lifestyle

Yes, it is a high stakes risk but not as profound as some of the smallest of decisions we make everyday - like not looking left and right before you cross the road. Life is weird.

Surely this goes without saying? A risk involves anything that has an impact on us. Having a child has a massive impact, therefore is a pretty big risk to take.