To think that the decision to have children is a risk...

[GreenWoodpecker123456]

...because you can never be sure whether you'll enjoy being a parent, what kind of child you'll have etc.

I ws having this conversation with someone and they said it's no more of a risk than anything else in life like getting married or going into a particular career.

I don't agree, because having kids is the one thing in life that you truly can't reverse!

AIBU?

This is an interesting piece about the “what if I regret not having children” question.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-worry-theyll-regret-not-having-kids

@Time2change2

It’s a risk yes. A big risk, but with that risk comes the probability of huge reward. For the vast majority of the population (thankfully) that promise of reward far outweighs any risks

Why 'thankfully'? We are overpopulated and in the West vastly over consuming.

There's a lot of focus on what parenthood does to the parents, but much less on the child's experience of life.

There's a whole thread on here at the moment full of people effectively saying they wish they'd never been born. And yet their parents probably never gave it a thought.

Every human being experiences misery and pain - some of them unbearably so. To create another human being in the full and certain knowledge that they will experience misery and pain is not something to be taken lightly.

It is definitely a risk. I would suggest, before having children, that everyone should come in MN and go through all the threads involving having children and then decide. Amongst other things potential patents should consider:

Total exhaustion.
Babies clinging to your boobs.
Dealing with terrible twos.
Partners that leave the other one doing most of the parenting.
Meltdowns, and tantrums.
Severe autism.
Splitting up with partners and having to share time spent with the children.
Giving up careers to be a SAHP.
The cost.
Childcare issues.

Obviously there are benefits too but, because it can be an innate desire to have children, I do think many people go into parenthood unprepared. (A bit like marriage too).

The problems surrounding Covid and having DC at home while schools weren't functioning as usual has made me think of how parents are technically part-time. Many are, understandably, struggling to manage with having had their brood at home for months. I wonder if parents will consider pandemics in the future when deciding whether to have children or expand their families.

Absolutely the biggest risk you can take IMO. You have no idea beforehand the impact it will have on every aspect of your life including how you see yourself. Sometimes it works out great and you can see a happy family who are enriched throughout. Sometimes it makes people unhappy and there is no escape. I think though you can prepare to mitigate the worst by having a strong relationship, being close to a willing support network, finances and stable home in place and making sure there is good communication throughout.

@stoptheworldiwant2getoff

Ah how cheerful

Yet enormously important. People shouldn't have to censor their feelings on parenting; the idea that one should be endlessly cheerful about it is what gets many, many people stuck in a situation they're unhappy with

When I was pregnant I was very aware that I was basically gambling with the rest of my life. I’m not cut out to be a lifelong carer, it was always my plan for DC to grow up and become increasingly independent. So I was extremely worried that DC would be disabled and I’d have to cope for the rest of my life, and give up the opportunity to return to work etc. That’s why I decided not to roll the dice again by having a second child - because now it’s not only me who’d be affected, it’s also my existing child.

@Theatrically But in saying that, there is the school of thought that says you are more likely to regret the chances you didn't take

Actually, having children is one of those decisions where most poeple would far rather regret NOT having them ,than have them and then regret it.

FOMO only gets you so far.

You do have a biological structure that predisposes most women to having maternal instincts though. That and community\family structures that provide a bit of backup.

It isn't all down to chance

Of course it's a risk. But it's a risk many are willing to take (ornot take) and that's their choice.

It’s a massive risk for lots of reasons.

A child could have significant additional needs and your life could be nothing like you expected it. A child could die and you are plunged into an incredibly painful existence. Both of these have happened to me or close friends. I would still take the risk again as the rewards are massive even with incredibly difficult times.

The innate desire to have children is a bit of a myth actually, their is no scientific evidence of it. People do feel a longing for children but that is mostly cultural. Biology has only given us a sex drive and the babies follow as a matter of course and it hasn't had a chance yet to catch up with medical interventions such as the pill or cultural changes in attiitudes.

theconversation.com/maternal-instinct-and-biology-evolution-ensures-we-want-sex-not-babies-46622

[quote StrippyMug]@Theatrically

"But in saying that, there is the school of thought that says you are more likely to regret the chances you didn't take."

I think that is less a school of thought and more what they call a platitude![/quote]
Yes. It makes no real sense to regret the things you didn’t do when you can have no idea of what would have happened if you had.

[quote TheClawww]**@Theatrically* But in saying that, there is the school of thought that says you are more likely to regret the chances you didn't take*

Actually, having children is one of those decisions where most poeple would far rather regret NOT having them ,than have them and then regret it.

FOMO only gets you so far.[/quote]
Everyone is individual. Regret is regret. You can't see people would rather regret not having children than regret having them as no one would be in both situations to compare.

Yep 💯

This and other reasons i am childfree.

It's a huge risk, and you do need to be aware of that. I never thought I'd end up a lone parent. I still have zero regrets though.

For the vast majority of the population (thankfully) that promise of reward far outweighs any risks

Why do you say thankfully?
I think a falling global population would be a good thing.

Years ago I read a study of women in old age and the women who had actively chosen not to have children reported levels of contentment the same as those who had children.

The group who were less happy were those who had wanted children but who hadn’t been able to have them.

To a certain extent I agree with you OP. You can take up a hobby like cycling, get the bike and all the gear then if you don't like it you can offload the stuff and get on with something else.

Not so with children. Little living beings which rely on you for everything and then you teach them to gradually stand on their own two feet. There's no going back - there are parents who regret having children but make the best of things. Life's like that.

Our generation have the choice and better contraception thank goodness. My parents had too many children and were ground down by being hard up. Children are too precious to just 'come along' instead of being planned. Life is full of pitfalls but unwanted children shouldn't be one of them.

Totally feel this.
Marriage, jobs, house moves, friends, everything else can be changed.
When I had my child, the first night we got home I was overcome with this overwhelming sense of neverending responsibility. It was almost suffocating. I knew that wherever I went, whatever I did, wherever my son was, no matter how age, he would be in my mind constantly and I would worry whether I was doing the right thing all the time.
If I wanted to leave my marriage, would it be fair on him? Can't just move if he was settled at school. My life is now all about him and I have this fear that one day he will turn around and not want anything to do with me, so it will all have been for nothing. This may be my PND talking, but it has been so much harder than I could ever have imagined.

@Tootletum

Yeah. It's a risk that isn't working out for me. Feel like I've gained three kids and lost everything else.

Hope you're feeling ok

You can get divorced and never see or think about the person again.
I think plenty of men do that with their kids.

Motherhood is surely one of those things that you either have a drive for, or you don't, much like getting a dog or becoming a writer. As a non dog person, dog ownership makes zero sense to me. My dear friend feels the same way about kids. I quite like the idea of having written a book, bit have I got the drive to actually get on and develop a plot? No! Hence I'm on Mumsnet.

I didn't ever weigh up whether to have kids. I wouldn't entertain a relationship with someone who didn't want kids. The when, where, how, who with, I considered. None of life's big undertakings are compulsory. If you have the drive you will cope with setbacks, if you don't, you get to enjoy your time doing something else!

I wish the downsides and risks were highlighted more frequently, we tend to live in a society that glosses over the reality - magazines full of celebrities with matching children as if they are nothing more than accessories. You even see this with Kate and William to some extent. The risks should be highlighted to everyone:

Your body will never be the same
Your children can be born with disabilities which may mean you life will be forever compromised
You are unlikely to sleep for years and years unless you are very lucky
Children cost a fortune
You may feel vulnerable once you have children
Your ability to think with clarity and precision will be compromised for years
There is no such thing as the perfect family
Your child may grow up to be everything you don't like in a person
It is decades and decades of commitment
It is mentally and physically draining
You may have long periods of feeling alone and lonely
Having the best of the both worlds does not exist
Leaving your children with other people can be very hard
Not leaving your children with other people can be very hard (on you)
No one gives a damn, and you rarely get a thank you or acknowledgement
Your freedom and liberty is curtailed in ways you can not envisage
You may be locked into a family unit that no longer suits you
It can be mundane and boring
Breast feeding can be agony for some
Your life will never be the same again

Even with some of the above being a reality for me, having children was still the most incredible, amazing and rewarding experience, because the list of joy and sheer wonder that comes from creating life far outweighs the downsides and risks for many parents.

@KenDodd I say thankfully for two reasons. One, I was more talking about human existence over 100’s of years not the .21st century. If the majority humans had decided that the risks outweighed the rewards in century’s gone by then Clearly a problem.
And actually, the birth rate is falling, and is storing us a big problem for the future with too few young people to care for And pay for what will be an enormous elderly population. It’s going to be a big problem in decades to come.