To think that the decision to have children is a risk...

[GreenWoodpecker123456]

...because you can never be sure whether you'll enjoy being a parent, what kind of child you'll have etc.

I ws having this conversation with someone and they said it's no more of a risk than anything else in life like getting married or going into a particular career.

I don't agree, because having kids is the one thing in life that you truly can't reverse!

AIBU?

@Newmumatlast I absolutely love your post. You sound exactly like the mum I hope to become one day but get those people you mention try tell you you know nothing until you're a parent and you HAVE to become a martyr to the child.

I always thought it was BS - and surely somehow you can first and foremost be a person and motherhood doesn't HAVE to define your whole existence. Your post has proven it is. Thank you 🙏

@Newmumatlast I also think the motherhood cool aid sippers are trying so desperately to convince themselves or others that having kids has made life so much richer. Only someone with insecurities would behave like that to someone else IMO.

It's like me being for example, really well off, or highly educated or basically having something someone else doesn't and telling them how amazing it is.

Which I find especially insensitive when we all know having a child is out of your control and down to science.

So true

Yep - agreed OP, I think it's the biggest decision you can make, which in turn brings an awful lot of risk.

@Newmumatlast - I love your post. It's so rare to find such a balanced view of motherhood. I used to read Mumsnet posts when I was trying to decide whether to TTC and the way some people describe motherhood does make it sound like almost like some kind of revered, sacred experience where you completely change and turn into some kind of amazing version of yourself. Well it's certainly not the experience I've had - I'm still the same person but with a child and everything which goes along with that. Still trying to work out whether it was a risk worth taking...

[quote sunshinerays]@Newmumatlast I also think the motherhood cool aid sippers are trying so desperately to convince themselves or others that having kids has made life so much richer. Only someone with insecurities would behave like that to someone else IMO.

It's like me being for example, really well off, or highly educated or basically having something someone else doesn't and telling them how amazing it is.

Which I find especially insensitive when we all know having a child is out of your control and down to science. [/quote]
Thank you. And yes, it is insensitive and also offensive to common sense. If you're an intelligent, interested person you are capable of researching subjects and formulating a view. Yes, of course first-hand experience of situations has the capacity of changing your view but unless something extreme happens it is unlikely to result in you doing a complete 180. Plus even parents only have experience of being parents to their own children in their own particular set of circumstances.

I am more than happy to listen to the advice of non parents. I'm not about to start posting on Facebook asking for "my mummy friends" only to give opinions on things. People can read. If I am asking for recommendations on the best baby bottle I don't need to specify that my post is for mummy friends only to prevent people without experience from posting. It also excludes people without kids who may actually have knowledge for other reasons - they may be a nanny, for example, a very interested auntie, or a bottle manufacturer! They may actually, god forbid, know more!

@Pippypoppypop

Yep - agreed OP, I think it's the biggest decision you can make, which in turn brings an awful lot of risk.

@Newmumatlast - I love your post. It's so rare to find such a balanced view of motherhood. I used to read Mumsnet posts when I was trying to decide whether to TTC and the way some people describe motherhood does make it sound like almost like some kind of revered, sacred experience where you completely change and turn into some kind of amazing version of yourself. Well it's certainly not the experience I've had - I'm still the same person but with a child and everything which goes along with that. Still trying to work out whether it was a risk worth taking...

Thank you. And yes, I'm still the same person too and I'm glad of it. To be honest if I, after wanting a child for so long and paying a lot of money for private IVF and absolutely feeling genuinely blessed to have my child, can still see that motherhood isn't everything and that I can be both a great mum and my own person it just shows it is possible.

People do themselves a great injustice by not being honest about it all and opening themselves up to help and support from a whole bunch of lovely people. It isn't a failing to say that some things are difficult or that you actually want to be yourself still. You can be an awesome person and an awesome mum. You can also absolutely regret the decision you made and still be an awesome person - and if that's the case, hiding it to everyone (though of course I do think you should hide it from your child) only denies you support.

There does seem to be a cohort on here who post “go for it - you won’t regret it” whenever someone posts about being unsure whether to have a child, regardless of the OP’s circumstances.

@CounsellorTroi

There does seem to be a cohort on here who post “go for it - you won’t regret it” whenever someone posts about being unsure whether to have a child, regardless of the OP’s circumstances.

Yes, there does. I always suspect they have YOLO tattooed on their arses, and LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE written on their kitchen walls.

@Newmumatlast 👏👏👏

@CounsellorTroi

There does seem to be a cohort on here who post “go for it - you won’t regret it” whenever someone posts about being unsure whether to have a child, regardless of the OP’s circumstances.

Agreed @CounsellorTroi,

As a general rule if someone asks here "I am not sure about having a child" 99% responses would say "do it, just in case you regret not having them". In some cases the OPs were in her 30s with partners who were clearly not husband/father material and there will still be some posts that say just go ahead have a baby in case you don't meet anyone else

I think the way OP @GreenWoodpecker123456 phrased the question help to invite more sensible answers.

@Pippypoppypop and @Newmumatlast - great posts!

I suspect people with balanced view of motherhood probably tend not to post in threads where 99% posters write about how motherhood is a life changing experience. In real life, mothers who are indifference or regret their decisions of having children tend to not to be very vocal either. My own mother thought motherhood is not really for her (I am ok with that she is a great mum anyway) and she never said that to anyone, even to her best friends/close family members.

I think if you view having kids as a risk then perhaps it’s not right for you.

I’m not saying don’t go into it with your eyes open...it’s bloody hard and if you want to keep your career you could potentially be signing up for the most exhausting, hellish few years of your life.

However I think it’s human nature and love that drives some of us towards motherhood...I know not everyone feels it but from the moment I knew I’d conceived I loved my baby and the love I feel for dc is the strongest most unconditional love I’ve ever know.

I’ve experienced nothing like it and there’s nothing more rewarding to me than seeing dc grow and learn. It’s truly amazing and I think it’s part of the human experience....just like all the other things...career, travelling, friends, going out etc....I always wanted to experience it all.

It is amusing though to hear people laugh about parents thinking their kids are amazing when they are just average.

I used to be like that too. Now I see that you can parent the worst little sods in the world and you’ll still think the sunshines out of them...must be a biological thing!

I agree OP, having kids is way more life changing than any other decision (except maybe killing someone!) I have always suspected that way more ppl regret it than we know. I could be wrong of course.

Not only is it the one irreversible thing you can do, it’s the one thing you can do that you can’t openly admit regretting.

Just realised I’m wrong, you can have a tattoo and openly wish you hadn’t!

@CounsellorTroi I agree it's just one of those taboo things where expressing regret is not deemed as 'acceptable'. I kinda see the logic in it - because it can massively affect a child if they feel they were not wanted. But equally, there needs to be somewhere to vent these feelings.

This is why I don’t have children. I love children, I work with children every day. I work with troubled, unhappy, struggling children. And their families. Children who have profound needs and parents at their wits’ end. Children led astray by their peers as parents watch helpless.

I know that the children and families I work with aren’t representative of most families, but there are enough of them around to keep me and my colleagues in full time work.

It’s actually humbling to talk to some of the parents who struggle with their children, they love them so much and in many cases I know I couldn’t have done any better than they’re doing.

I just don’t think I can risk having children myself, I see everyday what happens when it doesn’t go to plan.

Agreed. I think if more people truly thought about whether being a parent was right for them, the world would be a much happier place.

I say that both as a child that was not wanted and had a miserable abusive childhood and as the adoring mother of a much wanted child.

The trouble is that to know what being a parent is like, you need to become one!

Only the other day I was wondering if people would still have kids if they realised how stressful the teenage years can be.

@VanillaChai20 😂 I agree that's the problem!! And what makes it a worrying thing to become lol

Name changed for this. I absolutely agree OP, it's a massive gamble and sadly for me it hasn't paid off.

I had DS at 22 and I very much wanted to be a mum (was devastated when I was diagnosed with PCOS). The reality is very different, I hate almost everything about motherhood and I would never have another child.

DS has ASD and ADHD and though mild, it makes life a constant struggle. I'm a single parent and have been since he was 4 months old. I feel really quite lonely a lot of the time and would love to meet a man. It's only now he's 12 that I can finally see light at the end of what has been a very long tunnel.

I'm expecting to be flamed for what I've written but it feels good to get it out. None of the above means I don't love my child, but if I had my time over, I wouldn't have any. At work I'm surrounded by mothers who tell me I will change my mind and want more if I met the right man, but in reality I would gladly be steralised right now

And when you think of the number of men that are indifferent to having DC but the woman decides the time is right for her. Of course when they’re here the men love them but they wouldn’t have necessarily chosen that partner/time/or even to have kids.

Though I have to say to all the posters regretting - don't you think it's a case of grass isn't always greener? May you be bored or not have purpose without kids (I don't mean this to sound like without kids you have no purpose) but I think a lot of people it gives them purpose they never had before. I commonly hear this from parents.

Realistically, if someone honestly said let's turn back the clock, I don't think people would that regret their kids when it comes down to it.