Really want to have it out with school but maybe im over reacting?

[BangtanMum]

So to cut a long long story short me and OH split up a few weeks ago after a long abusive relationship. We’ve never lived together but he was staying at my house a lot. I kept going back because I thought there was no other choice, but once he hit me in front of our child I realised what i was doing and left. I got a non molestation order and even after the non molestation order was served he continued to harass me by phone and email. I called the police a couple of times but it seems that if they go to his house to arrest him and and he doesn’t open the door there’s nothing they can do. All they say is his name is circulated and if he ever gets stopped and searched then he will be arrested. (What are the odds on that?)
Anyway after I’ve done all this and finally started to control of my life again he’s started to try and control me in other ways. The day after I changed my email address and phone number he rang my daughters school (she’s just started reception) and spouted a load of accusations about me to the head teacher. He said things like I don’t feed her, she lives off of chocolate, never has breakfast etc and probably a lot of other nasty things. The school then got in touch with my social worker (who I have because of the domestic violence) and the social worker came to my house and literally said if there were any concerns then it would of been apparent before. She asked to look at my cupboards and freezer and said they were well stocked. She herself said this was a way of control because I’ve taken all the control away from him and now he has to try something different. She told me not to worry and that he will probably try something else soon. Now my problem is my daughter has come home from school today, yesterday and the day before telling me her teacher has been asking to look through her lunchbox to see what she has to eat. I asked if she did this to everyone’s lunchbox or just hers, and she said just hers. I don’t think her lunches have been bad with a sandwich, cut up cucumbers, an orange, banana, grapes, some strawberries and a croissant. Some days she’s had cocktail sausages instead of croissant. I’m just fuming that the social worker can see it’s all a lie and a way at getting back at me for cutting off all contact but the school are taking it seriously. I can’t feel ok inside knowing the school will probably check her lunch everyday and probably ask her everyday what she had for dinner the night before. Although it seems like nothing I really don’t like it. I was just about to call the school office to speak to the teacher but I stopped myself. I can’t move on with my life and try to feel a happier more confident person if I’ve got anxiety about this aswell as everything else. Surely they could have checked it once and then seen it was fine and left it at that. I won’t be made to feel like I’m being tested everyday of my life.

@Smallsteps88

No it isn’t. And note that I didn’t say “report” them. I said speak to social services. Because clearly they need to have the conversation with SS that notifies them that his reports were almost malicious and an attempt to further abuse.

That isn't how safeguarding works.

Each organisation remains independent, SS are not the final arbiter. Every organisation can know that reports are malicious and still carry out checks a) it is best practice b) it gives the child some support should they need it c) allows each organisation to have their own records they can rely on, for the safety of the child d) gives a varied stream of voices reporting should the child require it

School can't check just once because that day you could have randomly sent food expecting them to check or forgot by accident. They would check several times to make sure it's consistent. I would however speak to school about the situation.

I think after Daniel Pelka schools dot every i and cross every t and then they do it again.

If you don't know Daniel was starved (as well as suffering other abuse) his siblings were not.

It isn't personal, although it feels like it, it is sad that sometimes parents harm their children.

I agree you should contact the school because your dd is being picked out but they are doing it with the best of intentions.

When she comes home give her an extra special hug, she is safe, she is well fed, she is loved.

Oh and think how much that posses off your ex.

@JM10

I think I'd contact the school and say I know why they are doing it and of course you are happy for them to do so until they are happy, but could they not do it every day and check some other lunchboxes as well so it's less obvious they are checking in your daughter.

This.

I would definitely not go straight to the headteacher. I would either speak respectfully to whoever is doing the checking, or go to the safeguarding lead. This is only based on my exp as a teacher. Head teachers generally aren't involved in cases like that unless the reputation of the school is at stake. Trust me this is minor compared to some things schools deal with. I don't mean to be rude but some people on here don't sound like they've got a clue when it comes to how schools operate. Also to the lady who said that social services don't recognise that sometimes the parent is being abused I thoroughly sympathise. X

I'd contact the school. Be proactive.

Say you and your p have just split up, he was abusive and he's now being awkward to get back at you.

Say you're very willing to be open with the school and that you have nothing to hide re looking after dd.

Get it out in the open.

Pre-empt him. And good luck.

Look at this another way op and be pleased that your dd is in a caring school which prioritises safeguarding. I do agree that the checking should have been done more discreetly though, so that your dd doesn't feel singled out. That is worth raising with the head.

Just go with the flow and be glad that schools take these concerns seriously. YOU know that they are without foundation, but they can only know by making sure. Some poor neglected or abused child will get the help they need because the school takes these things seriously. I think you need to look at this in the wider context of safeguarding children, and don't make a big issue of it - not with the school, nor with your DD. Do not quiz her about it or make a big point of talking about it and showing your disapproval of it. If you let it wash by you, so will she. And her well-being is the priority.

OP, I work in a school in a safeguarding role. Before you "have it out with the school" are you absolutely sure the SW has informed them that she's done a home visit, is satisfied that your DC is being fed properly and has reason to believe the allegations were malicious? You would think this kind of communication between agencies happens as standard but I'm sorry to say that's not necessarily the case.

I agree with those saying the only thing to talk to the school about is whether they can make it less obvious. To her and likely her friends. I can imagine DD coming home and telling me the team her checks so and so’s lunch box every day.

I called the police a couple of times but it seems that if they go to his house to arrest him and and he doesn’t open the door there’s nothing they can do.

I do question this, though. I’m surprised you can avoid being arrested by the police just by not opening your door.

Communication by school with Op about this issue is not biased actually and failure to communicate is actually not following safeguarding protocols. Information sharing, or lack of, under the guise of confidentiality or impartiality can be extremely damaging and leave people at risk of harm. Frontline staff need to act and share information on a case by case basis, with the the knowledge they have about the history and circumstances of the family which they have from the social worker. She checked out the allegation and reported back yet the school are continuing to pursue the allegation despite it being found to be a malicious call.