Really want to have it out with school but maybe im over reacting?

[BangtanMum]

So to cut a long long story short me and OH split up a few weeks ago after a long abusive relationship. We’ve never lived together but he was staying at my house a lot. I kept going back because I thought there was no other choice, but once he hit me in front of our child I realised what i was doing and left. I got a non molestation order and even after the non molestation order was served he continued to harass me by phone and email. I called the police a couple of times but it seems that if they go to his house to arrest him and and he doesn’t open the door there’s nothing they can do. All they say is his name is circulated and if he ever gets stopped and searched then he will be arrested. (What are the odds on that?)
Anyway after I’ve done all this and finally started to control of my life again he’s started to try and control me in other ways. The day after I changed my email address and phone number he rang my daughters school (she’s just started reception) and spouted a load of accusations about me to the head teacher. He said things like I don’t feed her, she lives off of chocolate, never has breakfast etc and probably a lot of other nasty things. The school then got in touch with my social worker (who I have because of the domestic violence) and the social worker came to my house and literally said if there were any concerns then it would of been apparent before. She asked to look at my cupboards and freezer and said they were well stocked. She herself said this was a way of control because I’ve taken all the control away from him and now he has to try something different. She told me not to worry and that he will probably try something else soon. Now my problem is my daughter has come home from school today, yesterday and the day before telling me her teacher has been asking to look through her lunchbox to see what she has to eat. I asked if she did this to everyone’s lunchbox or just hers, and she said just hers. I don’t think her lunches have been bad with a sandwich, cut up cucumbers, an orange, banana, grapes, some strawberries and a croissant. Some days she’s had cocktail sausages instead of croissant. I’m just fuming that the social worker can see it’s all a lie and a way at getting back at me for cutting off all contact but the school are taking it seriously. I can’t feel ok inside knowing the school will probably check her lunch everyday and probably ask her everyday what she had for dinner the night before. Although it seems like nothing I really don’t like it. I was just about to call the school office to speak to the teacher but I stopped myself. I can’t move on with my life and try to feel a happier more confident person if I’ve got anxiety about this aswell as everything else. Surely they could have checked it once and then seen it was fine and left it at that. I won’t be made to feel like I’m being tested everyday of my life.

[HattonsMustard]

Lunch boxes are checked by staff anyway, most of the time the children open them by themselves to show what they have got for lunch so there is no need to specifically look.

You would be surprised at how many children bring a nut product into school despite it being a no nut school.

I know this must feel like you are under constant scrutiny but this is a win for you, he really has lost all power over you, he is getting desperate. School know you, the social worker has no concerns. This is all good.

[Marisishidinginmyattic]

I’ve been going to the school for the last 6 years with eldest DD so they do know me.

Remember though that plenty of abusive parents hide it for years and years so six years of “knowing” a person doesn’t mean they know the person if you get what I mean.

Really though try not to worry too much. They have to cover their own backs by doing what they have to do however much they may know or believe you.

[Staffy1]

I would phone them and explain the situation and say what the social worker said, ask them to speak to her and get it straight from her.

[MulticolourMophead]

@JM10

I think I'd contact the school and say I know why they are doing it and of course you are happy for them to do so until they are happy, but could they not do it every day and check some other lunchboxes as well so it's less obvious they are checking in your daughter.

I'd call the school for this, I think. You know they ahve to do this, and I know those feelings you're having (My ex kicked up a stink about DS at his school, all sorted now). But the sschool could still check without making it obvious that it's DD that's always being checked.

[saraclara]

@GeorgiaGirl52

Give it a week. If it happens daily, then call. Do not object to the examination, but do tell the teacher you know about your ex's phonecall and why the daily search is happening. Also, tell her that if it comes to court, you will be glad to have her as a witness that your daughter's lunches were adequate. (No teacher wants to be called to court, so that should back her right off

That's terrible advice, as well as being wrong.

If you tell the school that you know what they're doing, they'll think that normally you send rubbish lunches, and you're only sending good ones because you know they're checking.

Also no teacher will back off on a safeguarding check. They're not afraid of doing their job properly, and in fact they stand to lose their job if they don't.

[lyralalala]

@BangtanMum

I don’t agree because if there were any concerns about me feeding my children then surely the father would of mentioned it before or if he was that bothered he could have called social services himself to address his concerns? To be with someone for 7 years and have a 4 year old child together and then after the final split happens and you’re on the receiving end of a non molestation order for violence, wouldn’t it look abit strange to only come out with these concerns now? I mean I’d question his parenting skills for allowing his daughter to be not fed properly for 4 years and not do a thing about it.

People get nasty when you split up. It's also when secrets come out. How often when a couple split is it the first time the wider world learns that there is abuse or violence?

So, if he is countering your claims (claims is what he'll be saying btw - not what I'm saying!) that he's abusive then he's going to try and discredit you. By saying that you are abusive. To him and the children.

That has a double handed impact in his mind. It discredits your "claims" (it doesn't at all, but he'll think it will) and it embarasses you and makes your life uncomfortable - he'll like that.

The school see your child every day, much more frequently than your SW. They could, in time if needed, be a very strong ally in any battles you have.

It was obviously a long time ago, but when my Grandparents took us from my parents the statements from the school were invaluable. Two of my teachers (I was in P2 by that point) and the HT all noted that I was often unkempt. My two class teachers stating that I was often hungry and had no lunch or snack showed that that was a prolonged thing.

Your child's school checking and noting things will assist you, and shows that they are on the ball looking out for kids.

[MadameButterface]

Oh petal. Just think of it this way, you have 6 more years to prove them wrong, and you’ve already started doing that, so that’s one thing you can tick off the list. I know it is overwhelming, and everyone says leaving is the hard part (which it is) but then you have to rebuild your life right when you’re at your lowest ebb, in all probability suffering from ptsd to some extent. After a sustained period of abuse most ppl’s ‘fight, flight, freeze or flop’ response is stuck on freeze or flop because your brain has spent years telling you that this is how you keep yourself safest. And all the anger that’s built up inside you, at being belittled, at having your reality and competence constantly questioned, has to go somewhere, and it comes out in inappropriate ways, because it’s never been safe for you to express it to the person who truly deserves to be on the end of it. So that’s why you’re feeling like this. Just recognise that, and don’t give yourself a hard time for finding it difficult. If you contact women’s aid, or your local IAPT team, they may be able to refer you to some counselling for women in your area who’ve exited abusive situations. Good luck and well done - you are a warrior

[Wakemeupwhenthisisover]

Try and see it as more Witnesses on your side. They will be able to testify (not that it will come to that) that you always sent well balanced lunch boxes. Your ex will be the one looking bad not you.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

I agree that this can be a positive thing for you. All that evidence of good, nutritious lunches is being complied and you don't have to do a thing!
I understand that it must feel humiliating and all manner of other things, but the school are making sure that this kind of accusation can never get anywhere in the future.

[Fluffalo]

I would contact school and say that you understand they have a duty of care towards your child and need to ensure she is being fed properly. But ask that they please check her lunchbox without her knowledge so as to ensure she isn’t alarmed by it.

I agree with this, it's right they are doing it, but if your 6 year old is aware that the teacher is only checking hers, she will likely wonder why.

[monkeyonthetable]

Think of the school's actions as a positive win for you. Like you, they are concerned for your daughter's welfare. Like you they don't trust what your ex says or take it at face value but checks whether it's true or not. You can rest assured that they will discover he is lying and you are caring for your child. Win-win for you.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

If you think there is any chance that your daughter is being upset by the checks, or is asking questions about the reason for them, then I absolutely would ask the teacher to be less obvious about it.

[ittakes2]

That sucks and must feel really unfair ...but do you know what? He only wins if you let him. Just go about your life - please just forget about it. Please don’t ask your daughter if they are checking her lunch box as that will draw more attention to it for her. If you don’t ask her, you also won’t know and can just put it in your past. One the upside - it’s good for you to know your teachers are interested in the welfare of your child and are taking things seriously. But, it’s clear they have nothing to worry about and things will go back to normal. Sorry your ex is a knob.

[MJMG2015]

@EternalOptimist7

Sorry but I have to say - “ would have”, not “ would of”. Hope things get better for you & your DD 💐

No, you don't have to say at all.

Have some fucking self control & some compassion for what the OP has been through & is going through. JFC

[OverTheRainbow88]

The teacher should have been more subtle, if I wanted to check one kids lunch I would go around chatting to lots, asking them all what they have for lunch today and making it into a convo.

At my school we have to find out where the kids are going on holiday (in case of forced marriages/FGM) and I would never single out the potential kids at risk and just ask them, I make it into a circle time convo, and just mentally note down those at potential risk.

[Pinkshrimp]

OP I know it’s upsetting but, after poor Daniel Pelka, I’m glad there are teachers who would look out for your daughter IF your STBEH happened to be telling the truth.

Your SW has said there is no concern and it will be noted. Try not to take it personally.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Actually, I WOULD have dialogue with the school in your shoes. A friendly dialogue, not a "get on to the school and complain" type of thing. Say that even though social services don't have any concerns about the way you parent, you understand why they have to check her lunchbox due to the false allegations from her dad, but maybe say that you're worried it'll make your DD feel singled out, so ask if perhaps they could also check everyone's on her table too?

I would also say that it upsets you that you don't feel like you can give DD a little treat on a Friday in case they think standards are slipping or something. It would be horrible to feel like that way, so if you check with them what they are happy with you putting in her lunch then that can surely only be in your favour?

Jeez, though, the lunches you provide seem super healthy so I do wonder what they would have made of mine. My DS2 was such a fussy eater at that age and had the same lunch every day for about 2 years: a ham and cheese sandwich, a frube, a muffin and a smoothie. No point putting fruit or veg sticks in at that age as he just wouldn't have eaten it. Makes me wonder if I would have had to waste money and put them in anyway in your position, if I knew they were checking up on him.

[KitKat1985]

I suspect the school know that your OH's accusation is rubbish, but they have a duty to investigate any safeguarding concern raised. They wouldn't be doing their job properly if they just ignored accusations of neglect.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

OP you are going to need all the support you can get.

Teacher checking lunch? No problem

You going into school being unreasonable will make them think you’re the problem.

Let him make the accusations and school will say there aren’t any issues.

Stay calm. Be reasonable and let them do their job.

[cakeandchampagne]

These checks by the school can only make you look good, because you really are taking good care of your child.

[VintageStitchers]

Checking lunch boxes is bloody ridiculous. I doubt that any teacher bothers checking lunch boxes over here in Ireland.

I’d contact the school and point out that the social worker has been and checked the situation and has no concerns and therefore, they have no right to single out your daughter in this way.

[blarrr]

You are not being unreasonable, that's too harsh. Of course this is bothering you and making you feel anxious. It would make me feel the same way too.

I don't think this is a question of reasonableness. You are in a situation that's really difficult and you're worried you're being judged.

I think I saw above that the social worker has spoken to the school? If they haven't I'd arrange to go and have an informal chat. They will probably still check her lunchbox though, because they have a duty of care. Try to not let that bother you, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't believe your side.

[Lougle]

Read about Daniel Pelka. That should be enough to reassure you that the school are just doing their job to protect your child and any other child. Let them do it and be glad that you aren't putting them off of helping a child who really needs it.

[BewilderedDoughnut]

Fume all you want they're just doing their job. It forms part of what is called an 'Initial Assessment'. It comes with the territory of being with an abusive prick.

[VodselForDinner]

In situations like this where it can be heart over head, I try to ask myself “what’s the intention here”. In this case, it sounds like the school’s intention is to keep an eye on your daughter’s welfare.

It sounds like a shitty situation, but surely you can see that the school is doing the best for a child?