Really want to have it out with school but maybe im over reacting?

[BangtanMum]

So to cut a long long story short me and OH split up a few weeks ago after a long abusive relationship. We’ve never lived together but he was staying at my house a lot. I kept going back because I thought there was no other choice, but once he hit me in front of our child I realised what i was doing and left. I got a non molestation order and even after the non molestation order was served he continued to harass me by phone and email. I called the police a couple of times but it seems that if they go to his house to arrest him and and he doesn’t open the door there’s nothing they can do. All they say is his name is circulated and if he ever gets stopped and searched then he will be arrested. (What are the odds on that?)
Anyway after I’ve done all this and finally started to control of my life again he’s started to try and control me in other ways. The day after I changed my email address and phone number he rang my daughters school (she’s just started reception) and spouted a load of accusations about me to the head teacher. He said things like I don’t feed her, she lives off of chocolate, never has breakfast etc and probably a lot of other nasty things. The school then got in touch with my social worker (who I have because of the domestic violence) and the social worker came to my house and literally said if there were any concerns then it would of been apparent before. She asked to look at my cupboards and freezer and said they were well stocked. She herself said this was a way of control because I’ve taken all the control away from him and now he has to try something different. She told me not to worry and that he will probably try something else soon. Now my problem is my daughter has come home from school today, yesterday and the day before telling me her teacher has been asking to look through her lunchbox to see what she has to eat. I asked if she did this to everyone’s lunchbox or just hers, and she said just hers. I don’t think her lunches have been bad with a sandwich, cut up cucumbers, an orange, banana, grapes, some strawberries and a croissant. Some days she’s had cocktail sausages instead of croissant. I’m just fuming that the social worker can see it’s all a lie and a way at getting back at me for cutting off all contact but the school are taking it seriously. I can’t feel ok inside knowing the school will probably check her lunch everyday and probably ask her everyday what she had for dinner the night before. Although it seems like nothing I really don’t like it. I was just about to call the school office to speak to the teacher but I stopped myself. I can’t move on with my life and try to feel a happier more confident person if I’ve got anxiety about this aswell as everything else. Surely they could have checked it once and then seen it was fine and left it at that. I won’t be made to feel like I’m being tested everyday of my life.

[june2007]

Actually checking lunch boxes is quite common at my school. (No nut school, no sweets .)

[Toptotoeunicolour]

Just keep telling yourself that you will weather this storm like all the others. Keep giving her normal lunches and dinners, and let them check away to their heart's content. They will find that you are feeding her properly. You have nothing to fear. I know it's massively annoying but you just have to let them do their job. The truth always comes out in the end.

[saraclara]

@Afibtomyboy

I do suspect The school may, rightfullynor wrongfully, had ore existing Concerns to have pressed the nuclear button (social services) following a one off call from an estranged cleverly bitter ex

No. A school can't pick and choose whether or not they react to a call like the ex's. They HAVE to.

School safeguarding is a huge thing now. The amount of training and regulation involved is massive, after the tragedies of the last decade or so.
Even if the call was about the child of a member of staff, a governor, the chair of the PTA or the head of the education service, the safeguarding lead HAS to follow up and report.

[sorryforswearing]

I’m sure they could check it in a more subtle way. When the children open up their sandwich boxes to eat lunch for example. That’s what would happen in our school. Head would ask dinner staff to let her know if there was an issue. That’s what they’d do with any child they were concerned about.

[MotherOfDragonite]

I totally understand, I'd be upset too! Ultimately this will work in your favour as you have two independent professionals to stand up for you if needed. But I would also feel... snooped on? not trusted? I think it's only human.

Just remember that it's to protect you and your daughter, in the end. They're doing it with good intentions.

I'd mention to somebody at the school that you understand why they are checking and you appreciate their support, but that your daughter has noticed and is asking why she is being singled out -- could they do it unobtrusively?

[Petitmum]

I know this is upsetting and annoying for you but it is in your best interests to work with the school on this. You may be glad of their support in the future so you need to find a way to work with them. Play the long game.

[BangtanMum]

@Afibtomyboy

I do suspect The school may, rightfullynor wrongfully, had ore existing Concerns to have pressed the nuclear button (social services) following a one off call from an estranged cleverly bitter ex

It wasn’t the school who notified social services. Social services became involved in my life when I did the big thing and called the police because I was assaulted. I had already seen my social worker twice before she told me one morning that he had called the school and told loads of accusations. It just so happens that it was the very next day after me changing my phone number and email address so I guess it really really annoyed him that he couldn’t contact me anymore.

[BangtanMum]

@Afibtomyboy

Sorry if I missed
How much access does he have with be he Children post split?

None.

[pastandpresent]

School need to be fair and unbiased. So, if there is an accusation, I think they need to check. I don't think that means they doubt you. If they have strong evidence that what your ex is doing is totally untrue, then they have no worry. At least that's what I think. And your dc will tell the truth if asked, so there's nothing to worry about.

[RedToothBrush]

I've had a friend who has found herself in a not dissimilar situation.

Coercive control very often involves an offender trying to manipulate sources of authority (such as a school) against a victim, by repeatedly reporting them for minor or non existent issues.

The school are covering their own backside here. And actually this isn't necessarily a bad thing from your point of view. But you need to tread carefully and identify whats really going on here and how this means you need to manage the situation.

You need to be mindful of what your ex is trying to achieve here. He wants to push your buttons and make you slowly lose your marbles after sustained harassment. This is why you should 'have it out with the school' because this works to his agenda in making you look unreasonable especially if you do lose your temper. This is the thing he's trying to provoke so don't rise to it. I would advise you NOT to mention the word coercive control to the school but DO approach it with your social worker. What you don't want is the school to inadvertantly alert your ex to the fact you may be aware that coercive control is going on as that might make it even more difficult for you, but your social worker should be much more aware of the problem.

If you respond in this way you are building a case against him not you, because the school will check and find that you are doing everything right and this, over time, will start to demostrate that his complaints are vexacious and harassing you.

What I would say is that I'd strongly recommend that you start a diary and document every incidence of this nature as this is unlikely to be the only one. It will help you build a case for the future, should you need it. My suspicion is that he will esculate and you may need to consider your options in terms of seeking the further advice of a domestic abuse charity about coercive control and whether you need to seriously consider taking this to the police at some point if he does indeed esculate.

I would also suggest you look up post-separation coercive control and understand what it looks like - for your own sanity as much as anything.

[RedToothBrush]

Good starting point:

www.coercive-control.com/post-separation.html

[earthyfire]

If your school has a packed lunch policy they will go through many of the children's lunch boxes, it happens at my child's school and has actually caused her anxiety.

[Codexdivinchi]

@Marisishidinginmyattic

They have to check the lunchbox. Children being sent with nothing can still have food filled cupboards at home. They’re just doing their job.

I’m quite sure it would have been noticed if the child had an empty lunch box before now


OP there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking to speak to the school about it. Call them. They are obviously just doing their job but it will put your mind at ease.

[Meuniere]

Yes @Nibor1991 but the point is that you dont ask oONE and only one child....

FWIW, the teachers at my dcs primary have always known what children are eating wo going through lunch boxes that specifically....

[Haffdonga]

OP, what you are NOT over-reacting to is the teacher openly singling out your dd for the lunchbox check in front of others to the extent she noticed and felt that she was being treated differently.

It would be perfectly possible for the teacher to have asked every child at the table Ooh, what have you got in your lunchboxes today dcX, dcY and dcZ? What about you dcBangtan? Yum that looks delicious!

Your dd would never have realised and the teacher would have got important info about several dcs diet.

[lyralalala]

A reception age child may not be aware of her asking other children what they have in their lunchbox.

Certainly bring it up if they are still doing it in a way to upset your DD as time goes on, but they are doing the right thing by checking

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

Try to think of them as being a witness in your defence. If he makes these allegations and someone in authority contacts the school then they can honestly say that they have kept an eye on your DD's lunch and it's always appropriate. It's much better than them having to say that they don't know what she gets for packed lunch. It's not that the school doubts you, it's that they want to accumulate evidence that you are a good mother.

[Fishfingersandwichplease]

I am pretty sure the school are on your side and will be checking the lunchbox just to prove you are giving her a good lunch. They will be keeping notes on it and if it does go further, it is good evidence that will back you up so try not to see it as a bad thing. He sounds like a right prick.

[KetoPenguin]

Try to look on this as building evidence against your ex.

[BertNErnie]

Can you bring it up on your next core group (if it's CP) or CIN review meeting?

You should be having a regular dialogue with the school as they form part of the meetings you have and I'd just bring it up during the meeting if you don't feel confident to say it directly to the teacher.

Schools do have a duty of care to ensure a child is being looked after and if the concern came for me, I would have contacted the social worker directly, asked the class teacher to monitor lunches for a couple of weeks and go from there. You might find that the social worker I the one who has asked the school to check lunches for a bit just to confirm what she already knew.

It's quite common for disclosures to go direct to social workers and then these are taken forward from there.

[year5teacher]

This is a really hard one. YADNBU for being upset but the school do have a duty to make sure your child is being fed as this is a safeguarding concern.
I would question if it’s being dealt with appropriately eg looking at your child’s lunch in front of her and presumably other kids? Teacher can surely have a sneaky look as she walks past or ask dinner staff to do so if they’re not present.

[year5teacher]

To clarify I mean YANBU for being upset because it’s a very upsetting and difficult situation for you, not that the school are wrong for checking

[Mookie81]

@VintageStitchers

Checking lunch boxes is bloody ridiculous. I doubt that any teacher bothers checking lunch boxes over here in Ireland.

I’d contact the school and point out that the social worker has been and checked the situation and has no concerns and therefore, they have no right to single out your daughter in this way.

You don't have a fucking clue how safeguarding in schools works!