Really want to have it out with school but maybe im over reacting?

[BangtanMum]

So to cut a long long story short me and OH split up a few weeks ago after a long abusive relationship. We’ve never lived together but he was staying at my house a lot. I kept going back because I thought there was no other choice, but once he hit me in front of our child I realised what i was doing and left. I got a non molestation order and even after the non molestation order was served he continued to harass me by phone and email. I called the police a couple of times but it seems that if they go to his house to arrest him and and he doesn’t open the door there’s nothing they can do. All they say is his name is circulated and if he ever gets stopped and searched then he will be arrested. (What are the odds on that?)
Anyway after I’ve done all this and finally started to control of my life again he’s started to try and control me in other ways. The day after I changed my email address and phone number he rang my daughters school (she’s just started reception) and spouted a load of accusations about me to the head teacher. He said things like I don’t feed her, she lives off of chocolate, never has breakfast etc and probably a lot of other nasty things. The school then got in touch with my social worker (who I have because of the domestic violence) and the social worker came to my house and literally said if there were any concerns then it would of been apparent before. She asked to look at my cupboards and freezer and said they were well stocked. She herself said this was a way of control because I’ve taken all the control away from him and now he has to try something different. She told me not to worry and that he will probably try something else soon. Now my problem is my daughter has come home from school today, yesterday and the day before telling me her teacher has been asking to look through her lunchbox to see what she has to eat. I asked if she did this to everyone’s lunchbox or just hers, and she said just hers. I don’t think her lunches have been bad with a sandwich, cut up cucumbers, an orange, banana, grapes, some strawberries and a croissant. Some days she’s had cocktail sausages instead of croissant. I’m just fuming that the social worker can see it’s all a lie and a way at getting back at me for cutting off all contact but the school are taking it seriously. I can’t feel ok inside knowing the school will probably check her lunch everyday and probably ask her everyday what she had for dinner the night before. Although it seems like nothing I really don’t like it. I was just about to call the school office to speak to the teacher but I stopped myself. I can’t move on with my life and try to feel a happier more confident person if I’ve got anxiety about this aswell as everything else. Surely they could have checked it once and then seen it was fine and left it at that. I won’t be made to feel like I’m being tested everyday of my life.

[zoemum2006]

I'd tell the school to try and be a bit subtler in their checks as your daughter is noticing being singled out and it's making her uncomfortable.

[DumDaDumDum]

It’s upsetting @BangtanMum BUT teacher is just doing her job.

See the positives here, you’re a great mum and all of this extra checking is just showing HIM up to be the mentalist he is.

Positives.

[Tanith]

"It's not that the school doubts you, it's that they want to accumulate evidence that you are a good mother."

Exactly this. Much easier to reject his accusations in court (should it come to that) if the school can write a factual, unbiased report that they have checked your child's lunch box on dated occasions and the food provided was adequate and nutritious.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

@EternalOptimist7 you really didn’t have to whine about grammar. Why would you kick a woman when she’s down?

OP I think it would be fair to say to the school that you’re quite content for them to check DD’s lunch, but could they ensure that they’re either discrete or don’t single her out. Well done for escaping this awful man.

[May09Bump]

I would spin it on it's head as you 're a good parent - thank the social service person and school, think it as three people checking up on your child's wellness including you. Say you understand and you would hate for a child to slip through the net. It's annoying - but let them see he is in the wrong.

[Pluckedpencil]

It is NOT nice to be the victim and be put into the role of the perpetrator. It's horrible. But it isn't school's fault. It is your horrible ex OH. It is all 100% his fault. Never lose sight of that. Support the school, social services, all the people that will be there for DD. They are following procedure, one that safeguards vulnerable little kids. Keep relations good with school, they will soon see you are mature and responsible if you can keep your cool and rise above this. You're doing great, let it go. Repeat, you are doing great.

[ScrambledSmegs]

Definitely say to the school that your daughter has noticed that she is the only one in her class whose lunchbox is being checked. Ask if the teacher can be more subtle.

Fair enough that they want to check especially as allegations have been made. Obviously you know they're malicious, but they have to take it seriously for the safety of the child.

[christinarossetti19]

I can completely see why you're angry with the school but, as others say, they have the potential to be your biggest ally in this.

BUT I don't think it's acceptable that your child knows that she is being singled out for lunch box scrutiny. Surely it can be done discreetly so that your dd doesn't even know? A quick glance over to see sandwich and accessories as per 99% of children's lunch boxes and that's it.

I think the discussion to have with the school is that your dd feels singled out, which you're sure wasn't their intention etc etc. Given that there have been no other concerns about your parenting documented, I think it would be entirely reasonable to ask both the school and your social worker how long they intend to keep this checking up? They both know that you feed your children and it's not like they're needing more evidence to complete a picture of neglect or abuse.


I

[chilling19]

This must be so hard for you. But - think of the school as part of the team that are safeguarding your child. Let them get on with it because they do have her best interests at heart just like you do. He will fade into the background powerless to have any impact on you. Just hold your nerve and you will be free soon. 💐

[Poppinjay]

I am pretty sure the school are on your side and will be checking the lunchbox just to prove you are giving her a good lunch.

The school staff are not permitted to be on anyone's side. Effectie safeguarding depends on staff not prejudging any situation and taking an unbiased approach to establishing the facts.

The evidence they build will show that the OP is providing adequate nutrition for her child but it would be dangerous for that to be their agenda.

[babybythesea]

I agree with everyone else. Their evidence could really help you out. Just maybe have a quiet word and say could it be done so your DD doesn’t feel singled out.
In our school we have a few children where there are issues. We know when a parent is saying something to get at a partner. We check and follow it up anyway. Partly because we’d be negligent not to, we need to take safeguarding seriously and I’d hate to miss something important. Partly because we need to show we take safeguarding seriously and if the accusing parent says we’ve done nothing, we’d be in serious trouble ourselves. And partly because it’s actually quite nice to be able to support someone who is going through a nightmare by having the evidence that they are doing a great job.

Particularly if the school know you, they will know what’s going on. They won’t be checking because you are a concern.

[Twillow]

It's a power game.
They are doing the right thing to check - in your case obviously it showed his accusations are unfounded. They know that about him now!

DO NOT give him the satisfaction of knowing you are at all stressed by his behaviour. Try to let it wash over you - maybe offload to a friend and try to laugh about what his next ridiculous moves might be.

[Sarah24680]

I used to work in a school and no doubt whoever's been asked to check would rather not as it's one more thing to remember and it feels intrusive. It is purely for safeguarding. Oh and to cover the staff's backs. maybe think of switching her to school dinners? X

[CantThinkOfAName92]

Schools have a duty of care and safeguarding policies to follow. There has been an accusation and they need to follow it up.

As others have said, the lunches have been fine so will tick their boxes and be evidence for future if he tries anything else on.

May I ask why she doesn't have school lunches? Reception children should get them free.

[WentworthPrison]

Don't be ridiculous. The school isn't replacing the abuser. They are fulfilling a legal obligation for safeguarding a child.

[SuperCaliFragalistic]

Don't have a go at the school. I've sat in CP meetings where the parents relationship with the school is discussed and honestly it is really important. For your daughter's sake try to accept it for now and keep an open dialogue.

[Karwomannghia]

The school should be communicating with you much better than this. If they really do feel the need to follow up a proven lie, they could at least do it discreetly by walking past her when she’s eating or checking it when she’s in class.

[Sarah24680]

I'm not sure what's going on between you and him regarding visitation with your daughter but keep the school aware so they can help, eg if he's not allowed to pick her up tell them. He sounds ridiculous.

[christinarossetti19]

@WentworthPrison

Don't be ridiculous. The school isn't replacing the abuser. They are fulfilling a legal obligation for safeguarding a child.

No, the school isn't replacing OP's abuser, but her abuser is able to use leverage to involve the school in his persecution of her by making allegations that she is neglecting her children.

Women who have been in this situation know rationally that the school is fulfilling a legal safeguarding obligation, but being in an abusive relationship leaves a degree of trauma that is easily rekindled by experiences of even attempted coercive control

[saraclara]

@Karwomannghia

The school should be communicating with you much better than this. If they really do feel the need to follow up a proven lie, they could at least do it discreetly by walking past her when she’s eating or checking it when she’s in class.

No. They shouldn't be communicating with OP about this. It's a safeguarding issue that, as a pp has pointed out, has to be kept free of bias. And ideally the parent shouldn't know this check is happening, because in the event that it was an abusive or neglectful parent, they'd change what they normally do.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

@Karwomannghia

The school should be communicating with you much better than this. If they really do feel the need to follow up a proven lie, they could at least do it discreetly by walking past her when she’s eating or checking it when she’s in class.

No they really don't.

The point is that they are following safeguarding protocol.

The only criticism you can level at them is that OPs DD has noticed - and presumably her classmates have too - and now OP is aware! They should be more careful than that!

[Smallsteps88]

I would ask for a meeting with the teacher and tell them that by checking her lunch they are actually taking part in your ex’s abuse of your daughter. Tell them that it is making your DD feel embarrassed and distressed and that unless they stop immediately you will be speaking to social services about them.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

The first half of that might be appropriate but reporting the school to SS for safeguarding is ridiculous!

[Smallsteps88]

No it isn’t. And note that I didn’t say “report” them. I said speak to social services. Because clearly they need to have the conversation with SS that notifies them that his reports were almost malicious and an attempt to further abuse.

[saraclara]

@Smallsteps88

No it isn’t. And note that I didn’t say “report” them. I said speak to social services. Because clearly they need to have the conversation with SS that notifies them that his reports were almost malicious and an attempt to further abuse.

You clearly don't understand how safeguarding works. There can be NO bias or assumptions made about either parent, if safeguarding is to work. Both Social workers and safeguarding leads in school have to approach the whole thing objectively.

Abusive and neglectful parents are very clever. Children have slipped through the system in the past because schools or SWs have been taken in by some excellent acting from parents. As I said up the thread, they have to act in the same way, whether it's someone they know to be abusive, or whether it's some pillar of the community.

Same applies here as does to some very charming men who abuse their partners.