Really want to have it out with school but maybe im over reacting?

[BangtanMum]

So to cut a long long story short me and OH split up a few weeks ago after a long abusive relationship. We’ve never lived together but he was staying at my house a lot. I kept going back because I thought there was no other choice, but once he hit me in front of our child I realised what i was doing and left. I got a non molestation order and even after the non molestation order was served he continued to harass me by phone and email. I called the police a couple of times but it seems that if they go to his house to arrest him and and he doesn’t open the door there’s nothing they can do. All they say is his name is circulated and if he ever gets stopped and searched then he will be arrested. (What are the odds on that?)
Anyway after I’ve done all this and finally started to control of my life again he’s started to try and control me in other ways. The day after I changed my email address and phone number he rang my daughters school (she’s just started reception) and spouted a load of accusations about me to the head teacher. He said things like I don’t feed her, she lives off of chocolate, never has breakfast etc and probably a lot of other nasty things. The school then got in touch with my social worker (who I have because of the domestic violence) and the social worker came to my house and literally said if there were any concerns then it would of been apparent before. She asked to look at my cupboards and freezer and said they were well stocked. She herself said this was a way of control because I’ve taken all the control away from him and now he has to try something different. She told me not to worry and that he will probably try something else soon. Now my problem is my daughter has come home from school today, yesterday and the day before telling me her teacher has been asking to look through her lunchbox to see what she has to eat. I asked if she did this to everyone’s lunchbox or just hers, and she said just hers. I don’t think her lunches have been bad with a sandwich, cut up cucumbers, an orange, banana, grapes, some strawberries and a croissant. Some days she’s had cocktail sausages instead of croissant. I’m just fuming that the social worker can see it’s all a lie and a way at getting back at me for cutting off all contact but the school are taking it seriously. I can’t feel ok inside knowing the school will probably check her lunch everyday and probably ask her everyday what she had for dinner the night before. Although it seems like nothing I really don’t like it. I was just about to call the school office to speak to the teacher but I stopped myself. I can’t move on with my life and try to feel a happier more confident person if I’ve got anxiety about this aswell as everything else. Surely they could have checked it once and then seen it was fine and left it at that. I won’t be made to feel like I’m being tested everyday of my life.

[twoshedsjackson]

I think fairybatman makes a good point; in the longer term, this could stand you in good stead. Further down the line, when "He said, she said" is flying about, you can ask the school to back you up; "We checked DD's packed lunch box, and it was absolutely fine!" as an unbiased statement on record.
You may well find that other children's lunchboxes get checked as well, but the staff probably decided to give her first dibs because SS had tipped them off. It was something I did regularly on packed lunch duty, without casting any aspersions.

[BangtanMum]

I don’t agree because if there were any concerns about me feeding my children then surely the father would of mentioned it before or if he was that bothered he could have called social services himself to address his concerns? To be with someone for 7 years and have a 4 year old child together and then after the final split happens and you’re on the receiving end of a non molestation order for violence, wouldn’t it look abit strange to only come out with these concerns now? I mean I’d question his parenting skills for allowing his daughter to be not fed properly for 4 years and not do a thing about it.

[BangtanMum]

Sorry that last post was for chachacha saying that the social worker is being too relaxed!

[JimLaheysWhiskeyBottle]

I have been in this position as a teacher many (many) times. Unfortunately, mostly always due to a malicious accusation from a parent who has split from a partner. The same situation as yours.

I check the lunchbox even though I might not have any concerns (know the family, have taught siblings, etc etc) so that I can happily say to the parent (who is making malicious allegations) that the lunchboxes are great, child is happy and no concerns from school.

Sometimes the parent takes it further and I have to do a report for SS. Because I've already made these checks, I can (in most cases) state no concerns.

I hope this helps 😊

Although I do usually check everyone's lunchbox and kind of make it game of who's lunch I'm going steal.

[itisthecause]

This just makes him look stupid as you are providing perfectly normal lunches for your child and he is wasting social services time by being malicious.

Ignore it if you can as he's obviously wasting energy creating problems where there are none.

[valtandsinegar]

I'm sorry that this is giving you additional stress at a time when you really don't need it, but it sounds like they are following the correct processes. Any accusation like that should be taken seriously, against any parent.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Think of it as insurance.

If he carries on you now have SS and school who can say that they acted on his accusations and, over a period of time, found nothing amiss.

That's 2 independent, professional witness statements saying his accusations were groundless.

What does he have??

[Drowninginwashing]

People make decisions about when to report concerns at all sorts of times. It could have been that he felt loyalty to you whilst together, then that stopped when yiu separated. You are saying 'they should reason this o3it and decide it is unlikely' but what you're ignoring from all the posts is that he school aren't permitted to do this reasoning- they just have to follow it up. That's their legal duty. End of story.

I'm sure this isn't the case with you and I don't want to offend you, but when a mother is experiencing domestic abuse they are often less capable of looking after their child well, and also mothers who do not leave a violent partner are often putting their children at risk too, however unintentionally. so when a school finds out this has been happening those children are often given special attention by the school anyway.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

Give it a week. If it happens daily, then call. Do not object to the examination, but do tell the teacher you know about your ex's phonecall and why the daily search is happening. Also, tell her that if it comes to court, you will be glad to have her as a witness that your daughter's lunches were adequate. (No teacher wants to be called to court, so that should back her right off

[MadameButterface]

This isn’t about any of that though, and they absolutely can’t take any chances. His parenting skills/what he is like as a person isn’t part of their remit, whereas your dd’s welfare is. I know that it’s hard to be disbelieved like this, particularly after an abusive relationship where you may have been gaslit for years or told over and over again that you are useless etc, but they are just doing their job.

These feelings you’re having, of intense shame and humiliation, and being thought of as a bad person, and all of that ARE absolutely awful, and you don’t deserve to feel them, but they are normal, and they are part of the journey you’ve already started on, to freedom and a better life. Everything you want for yourself and your dd is on the other side of this difficult time, please remember that, hang in there and just get through this time.

[Quickchange5]

You are new to the school and they do not know you . They have an obligation to safe guard your child . Be patient with them and I’m sure over time they will realise all is ok .If your ex carries on like this - they will soon realise what he’s like

[Didiusfalco]

I'm sorry you are having a horrible time with your ex. However there have been some awful cases where schools have missed signs - thinking Daniel Pelka as a particularly dreadful example. Far better that the school are vigilant, even if it isn't necessary. To be blunt though - you have a social worker, she has been identified as having some level of safeguarding risk - even if not from you. The school are doing their job.

[ktp100]

The school have a duty of care and are doing nothing wrong BUT the SW really should have contacted the school, seeing as they were the first point of contact in terms of the complaints, to ensure them that a spot check had been carried out on your property and that they are satisfied that complaints are false.

I would ask the SW to send a letter to the school and also request a meeting with the head to bring them up to date with the situation with your ex. They need to know that he has been violent in the past etc and know that further allegations may be made.

What a dreadful situation, OP. I'm so sorry your ex is such a shit.

[MJMG2015]

((Big hug))). It's a truly horrible position to find yourself in.

If I were you I'd contact the school and just say that you know they have an obligation to check up on DD & that you understand they can't make an exemption fir you, even though they know you well enough after all these years, to know it's rubbish (just act confident that you all know it's shit) but could they either check others as well or check DD's more discretely as it's upsetting her & making her anxious.

[EternalOptimist7]

Sorry but I have to say - “ would have”, not “ would of”. Hope things get better for you & your DD 💐

[Ariela]

I think this works in your favour.

If you're happy the school can check, because you know you're feeding your daughter properly, it does make him look vindictive. If he continually reports you to SS, it'll really reflect badly on him. Not on you.

[BangtanMum]

@MadameButterface

This isn’t about any of that though, and they absolutely can’t take any chances. His parenting skills/what he is like as a person isn’t part of their remit, whereas your dd’s welfare is. I know that it’s hard to be disbelieved like this, particularly after an abusive relationship where you may have been gaslit for years or told over and over again that you are useless etc, but they are just doing their job.

These feelings you’re having, of intense shame and humiliation, and being thought of as a bad person, and all of that ARE absolutely awful, and you don’t deserve to feel them, but they are normal, and they are part of the journey you’ve already started on, to freedom and a better life. Everything you want for yourself and your dd is on the other side of this difficult time, please remember that, hang in there and just get through this time.

Thankyou! This has made me feel better. No one understands unless they’ve been through it. The relationship is battle and then getting away is a battle and then once your away it’s like you’re faced with ANOTHER battle! I just want this to end I want to feel normal and the fact she has only just started this school, I do feel ashamed and I have to continue going to this school for the next 6 years and I’d like to feel less judged along the way. I know they’re only doing their jobs and I am greatful that they’re looking out for my DD even if it sounds like I’m not. A little reassurance that I’m doing fine wouldn’t go a miss though, just like your message just now... so thankyou!

[BangtanMum]

@Quickchange5

You are new to the school and they do not know you . They have an obligation to safe guard your child . Be patient with them and I’m sure over time they will realise all is ok .If your ex carries on like this - they will soon realise what he’s like

I’ve been going to the school for the last 6 years with eldest DD so they do know me.

[MyCassiopiea]

I'm a teacher. Given what you've said, I would be checking to support you so that if the issue was raised again I could say that lunches were great. I wouldn't be so obvious about it that the child noticed though!

[Flowerpot345]

Definitely dont have it out with them, they are doing their job, I understand you have a child that has already been through the school but abusers sometimes pick one child to abuse.
It doesnt mean at all that the teacher doesnt believe you, its just part of their job.
By her checking she can see your dd is fine, you are disproving his lies.

[MJMG2015]

@Quickchange5

You are new to the school and they do not know you . They have an obligation to safe guard your child . Be patient with them and I’m sure over time they will realise all is ok .If your ex carries on like this - they will soon realise what he’s like

The OP posted...

It’s just hard to take in because older DD was there for 6 years and then went into secondary school recently. (Not same dad) and they’ve never had any concerns about her

[BangtanMum]

Thanks everyone !

[ancientgran]

I can understand the school have to be careful but I think the teacher could be more discrete about it. Why does she need to go through the lunch box, why not just have a walk round and see what she's eating a couple of times. I'd let them know your daughter is aware they seem to be singling her out and could they do this in a way that is less obvious.

Well done on getting out of the situation and protecting your children, it can't be easy.

[cakewench]

Having the school check her lunchboxes will be helpful if he tries to carry on with this sort of accusation. It won't just be your word against his; you will have their observations as well.

You're getting upset with the school but you're upset because of his accusations. What would you gain by 'having it out' with the school? You'd like them to believe you over him, but unfortunately they can't just take your word on these things.

(They could be a bit less obvious about checking, though, I agree! I work in a school and can easily see a child's packed lunch without physically going over to them and sifting through it)

[ButtonMoonLoon]

I would contact school and say that you understand they have a duty of care towards your child and need to ensure she is being fed properly. But ask that they please check her lunchbox without her knowledge so as to ensure she isn’t alarmed by it.