Really want to have it out with school but maybe im over reacting?

[BangtanMum]

So to cut a long long story short me and OH split up a few weeks ago after a long abusive relationship. We’ve never lived together but he was staying at my house a lot. I kept going back because I thought there was no other choice, but once he hit me in front of our child I realised what i was doing and left. I got a non molestation order and even after the non molestation order was served he continued to harass me by phone and email. I called the police a couple of times but it seems that if they go to his house to arrest him and and he doesn’t open the door there’s nothing they can do. All they say is his name is circulated and if he ever gets stopped and searched then he will be arrested. (What are the odds on that?)
Anyway after I’ve done all this and finally started to control of my life again he’s started to try and control me in other ways. The day after I changed my email address and phone number he rang my daughters school (she’s just started reception) and spouted a load of accusations about me to the head teacher. He said things like I don’t feed her, she lives off of chocolate, never has breakfast etc and probably a lot of other nasty things. The school then got in touch with my social worker (who I have because of the domestic violence) and the social worker came to my house and literally said if there were any concerns then it would of been apparent before. She asked to look at my cupboards and freezer and said they were well stocked. She herself said this was a way of control because I’ve taken all the control away from him and now he has to try something different. She told me not to worry and that he will probably try something else soon. Now my problem is my daughter has come home from school today, yesterday and the day before telling me her teacher has been asking to look through her lunchbox to see what she has to eat. I asked if she did this to everyone’s lunchbox or just hers, and she said just hers. I don’t think her lunches have been bad with a sandwich, cut up cucumbers, an orange, banana, grapes, some strawberries and a croissant. Some days she’s had cocktail sausages instead of croissant. I’m just fuming that the social worker can see it’s all a lie and a way at getting back at me for cutting off all contact but the school are taking it seriously. I can’t feel ok inside knowing the school will probably check her lunch everyday and probably ask her everyday what she had for dinner the night before. Although it seems like nothing I really don’t like it. I was just about to call the school office to speak to the teacher but I stopped myself. I can’t move on with my life and try to feel a happier more confident person if I’ve got anxiety about this aswell as everything else. Surely they could have checked it once and then seen it was fine and left it at that. I won’t be made to feel like I’m being tested everyday of my life.

[Karwomannghia]

Communication by school with Op about this issue is not biased actually and failure to communicate is actually not following safeguarding protocols. Information sharing, or lack of, under the guise of confidentiality or impartiality can be extremely damaging and leave people at risk of harm. Frontline staff need to act and share information on a case by case basis, with the the knowledge they have about the history and circumstances of the family which they have from the social worker. She checked out the allegation and reported back yet the school are continuing to pursue the allegation despite it being found to be a malicious call.

[MintyMabel]

I agree with those saying the only thing to talk to the school about is whether they can make it less obvious. To her and likely her friends. I can imagine DD coming home and telling me the team her checks so and so’s lunch box every day.

I called the police a couple of times but it seems that if they go to his house to arrest him and and he doesn’t open the door there’s nothing they can do.

I do question this, though. I’m surprised you can avoid being arrested by the police just by not opening your door.

[Washimal]

OP, I work in a school in a safeguarding role. Before you "have it out with the school" are you absolutely sure the SW has informed them that she's done a home visit, is satisfied that your DC is being fed properly and has reason to believe the allegations were malicious? You would think this kind of communication between agencies happens as standard but I'm sorry to say that's not necessarily the case.

[Mischance]

Just go with the flow and be glad that schools take these concerns seriously. YOU know that they are without foundation, but they can only know by making sure. Some poor neglected or abused child will get the help they need because the school takes these things seriously. I think you need to look at this in the wider context of safeguarding children, and don't make a big issue of it - not with the school, nor with your DD. Do not quiz her about it or make a big point of talking about it and showing your disapproval of it. If you let it wash by you, so will she. And her well-being is the priority.

[doctorhamster]

Look at this another way op and be pleased that your dd is in a caring school which prioritises safeguarding. I do agree that the checking should have been done more discreetly though, so that your dd doesn't feel singled out. That is worth raising with the head.

[tenlittlecygnets]

I'd contact the school. Be proactive.

Say you and your p have just split up, he was abusive and he's now being awkward to get back at you.

Say you're very willing to be open with the school and that you have nothing to hide re looking after dd.

Get it out in the open.

Pre-empt him. And good luck.

[Sarah24680]

I would definitely not go straight to the headteacher. I would either speak respectfully to whoever is doing the checking, or go to the safeguarding lead. This is only based on my exp as a teacher. Head teachers generally aren't involved in cases like that unless the reputation of the school is at stake. Trust me this is minor compared to some things schools deal with. I don't mean to be rude but some people on here don't sound like they've got a clue when it comes to how schools operate. Also to the lady who said that social services don't recognise that sometimes the parent is being abused I thoroughly sympathise. X

[WhereToCut]

@JM10

I think I'd contact the school and say I know why they are doing it and of course you are happy for them to do so until they are happy, but could they not do it every day and check some other lunchboxes as well so it's less obvious they are checking in your daughter.

This.

[sashh]

I think after Daniel Pelka schools dot every i and cross every t and then they do it again.

If you don't know Daniel was starved (as well as suffering other abuse) his siblings were not.

It isn't personal, although it feels like it, it is sad that sometimes parents harm their children.

I agree you should contact the school because your dd is being picked out but they are doing it with the best of intentions.

When she comes home give her an extra special hug, she is safe, she is well fed, she is loved.

Oh and think how much that posses off your ex.

[FortniteBoysMum]

School can't check just once because that day you could have randomly sent food expecting them to check or forgot by accident. They would check several times to make sure it's consistent. I would however speak to school about the situation.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

@Smallsteps88

No it isn’t. And note that I didn’t say “report” them. I said speak to social services. Because clearly they need to have the conversation with SS that notifies them that his reports were almost malicious and an attempt to further abuse.

That isn't how safeguarding works.

Each organisation remains independent, SS are not the final arbiter. Every organisation can know that reports are malicious and still carry out checks a) it is best practice b) it gives the child some support should they need it c) allows each organisation to have their own records they can rely on, for the safety of the child d) gives a varied stream of voices reporting should the child require it

[saraclara]

@Smallsteps88

No it isn’t. And note that I didn’t say “report” them. I said speak to social services. Because clearly they need to have the conversation with SS that notifies them that his reports were almost malicious and an attempt to further abuse.

You clearly don't understand how safeguarding works. There can be NO bias or assumptions made about either parent, if safeguarding is to work. Both Social workers and safeguarding leads in school have to approach the whole thing objectively.

Abusive and neglectful parents are very clever. Children have slipped through the system in the past because schools or SWs have been taken in by some excellent acting from parents. As I said up the thread, they have to act in the same way, whether it's someone they know to be abusive, or whether it's some pillar of the community.

Same applies here as does to some very charming men who abuse their partners.

[Smallsteps88]

No it isn’t. And note that I didn’t say “report” them. I said speak to social services. Because clearly they need to have the conversation with SS that notifies them that his reports were almost malicious and an attempt to further abuse.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

The first half of that might be appropriate but reporting the school to SS for safeguarding is ridiculous!

[Smallsteps88]

I would ask for a meeting with the teacher and tell them that by checking her lunch they are actually taking part in your ex’s abuse of your daughter. Tell them that it is making your DD feel embarrassed and distressed and that unless they stop immediately you will be speaking to social services about them.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

@Karwomannghia

The school should be communicating with you much better than this. If they really do feel the need to follow up a proven lie, they could at least do it discreetly by walking past her when she’s eating or checking it when she’s in class.

No they really don't.

The point is that they are following safeguarding protocol.

The only criticism you can level at them is that OPs DD has noticed - and presumably her classmates have too - and now OP is aware! They should be more careful than that!

[saraclara]

@Karwomannghia

The school should be communicating with you much better than this. If they really do feel the need to follow up a proven lie, they could at least do it discreetly by walking past her when she’s eating or checking it when she’s in class.

No. They shouldn't be communicating with OP about this. It's a safeguarding issue that, as a pp has pointed out, has to be kept free of bias. And ideally the parent shouldn't know this check is happening, because in the event that it was an abusive or neglectful parent, they'd change what they normally do.

[christinarossetti19]

@WentworthPrison

Don't be ridiculous. The school isn't replacing the abuser. They are fulfilling a legal obligation for safeguarding a child.

No, the school isn't replacing OP's abuser, but her abuser is able to use leverage to involve the school in his persecution of her by making allegations that she is neglecting her children.

Women who have been in this situation know rationally that the school is fulfilling a legal safeguarding obligation, but being in an abusive relationship leaves a degree of trauma that is easily rekindled by experiences of even attempted coercive control

[Sarah24680]

I'm not sure what's going on between you and him regarding visitation with your daughter but keep the school aware so they can help, eg if he's not allowed to pick her up tell them. He sounds ridiculous.

[Karwomannghia]

The school should be communicating with you much better than this. If they really do feel the need to follow up a proven lie, they could at least do it discreetly by walking past her when she’s eating or checking it when she’s in class.

[SuperCaliFragalistic]

Don't have a go at the school. I've sat in CP meetings where the parents relationship with the school is discussed and honestly it is really important. For your daughter's sake try to accept it for now and keep an open dialogue.

[WentworthPrison]

Don't be ridiculous. The school isn't replacing the abuser. They are fulfilling a legal obligation for safeguarding a child.

[CantThinkOfAName92]

Schools have a duty of care and safeguarding policies to follow. There has been an accusation and they need to follow it up.

As others have said, the lunches have been fine so will tick their boxes and be evidence for future if he tries anything else on.

May I ask why she doesn't have school lunches? Reception children should get them free.

[Sarah24680]

I used to work in a school and no doubt whoever's been asked to check would rather not as it's one more thing to remember and it feels intrusive. It is purely for safeguarding. Oh and to cover the staff's backs. maybe think of switching her to school dinners? X

[Twillow]

It's a power game.
They are doing the right thing to check - in your case obviously it showed his accusations are unfounded. They know that about him now!

DO NOT give him the satisfaction of knowing you are at all stressed by his behaviour. Try to let it wash over you - maybe offload to a friend and try to laugh about what his next ridiculous moves might be.