Really want to have it out with school but maybe im over reacting?

[BangtanMum]

So to cut a long long story short me and OH split up a few weeks ago after a long abusive relationship. We’ve never lived together but he was staying at my house a lot. I kept going back because I thought there was no other choice, but once he hit me in front of our child I realised what i was doing and left. I got a non molestation order and even after the non molestation order was served he continued to harass me by phone and email. I called the police a couple of times but it seems that if they go to his house to arrest him and and he doesn’t open the door there’s nothing they can do. All they say is his name is circulated and if he ever gets stopped and searched then he will be arrested. (What are the odds on that?)
Anyway after I’ve done all this and finally started to control of my life again he’s started to try and control me in other ways. The day after I changed my email address and phone number he rang my daughters school (she’s just started reception) and spouted a load of accusations about me to the head teacher. He said things like I don’t feed her, she lives off of chocolate, never has breakfast etc and probably a lot of other nasty things. The school then got in touch with my social worker (who I have because of the domestic violence) and the social worker came to my house and literally said if there were any concerns then it would of been apparent before. She asked to look at my cupboards and freezer and said they were well stocked. She herself said this was a way of control because I’ve taken all the control away from him and now he has to try something different. She told me not to worry and that he will probably try something else soon. Now my problem is my daughter has come home from school today, yesterday and the day before telling me her teacher has been asking to look through her lunchbox to see what she has to eat. I asked if she did this to everyone’s lunchbox or just hers, and she said just hers. I don’t think her lunches have been bad with a sandwich, cut up cucumbers, an orange, banana, grapes, some strawberries and a croissant. Some days she’s had cocktail sausages instead of croissant. I’m just fuming that the social worker can see it’s all a lie and a way at getting back at me for cutting off all contact but the school are taking it seriously. I can’t feel ok inside knowing the school will probably check her lunch everyday and probably ask her everyday what she had for dinner the night before. Although it seems like nothing I really don’t like it. I was just about to call the school office to speak to the teacher but I stopped myself. I can’t move on with my life and try to feel a happier more confident person if I’ve got anxiety about this aswell as everything else. Surely they could have checked it once and then seen it was fine and left it at that. I won’t be made to feel like I’m being tested everyday of my life.

[Meuniere]

I would go and see the HT because the teacher is singling out your dd and it might well have some strong repercutions on her. Especially at the age, she might think she is doing something wrong, that her lunch is wrong, that the OP is wrong and whatever else can go through a child's mind in those circumstances.
Other children will notice too and again they might well run with their own ideas and to what is 'wrong' with the OP's dd or her lunch.

On that pov, if the school wants to check that she is fed (which she will be if she is healthy, not underweight etc...), they should be more discreet about it.

I would also ask the school what they need to feel like thye can trust HER rather than her ex who has been violent enpugh to get a restricting order. That way everyone can rest assure again that thigs are fine (both the school and the OP). Basically put the ball in their camo to state what they want. At least the OP will know what they are after/expecting.

[Poppinjay]

Child abusers can be really plausible and this has been shown to have contributed to child deaths. Professionals not taking appropriate action due to fears of harming their relationship with a parent is an identified risk factor in safeguarding children.

Anyone who has been made aware of a safeguarding concern is required to put their concerns about offending a parent to one side and take an unbiased approach to establishing the facts.

Your child's teacher is doing a good job by looking for evidence to support or disprove the safegurading allegation. However, she needs to be made aware that your DD has noticed and change her approach to prevent her feeling singled out in future.

[WentworthPrison]

I'm a teacher and I would never forgive myself of I didn't check a few times after that. It would be very easy for a parent to fill a lunchbox after an accusation but are they doing it consistently? I'd know it was a rubbish accusation but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't check and something happened.

[Meuniere]

re the school intention on the dd welfare....

I have a question. Is it really normal for the school to believe

• what gossips from another person when that person is known the be violent/had to be removed from the house ... aka they will clearly have a grudge. These were just gossips becayse I am sure that the ex didnt come with any proof of what he was saying.
  
• but not believing reports from SS when SS are involved and have said there is NO ISSUE re the welfare of the child and the allegations against the OP??
  

I mean yes by all means protect the child. But also using a bit of common sense to be sure that the constant checking isn't affecting the child (which it will do and the dd has already noticed her lunchbox is been checked when no one else is). What theyare doing isn't neutral in the eyes of the child.

[OudRose]

Completely understand the school needing to check, but they shouldn't be doing it in front of your child and making her feel uncomfortable.

I would say something like... 'DD has asked me why you're checking her lunch each day; she's feeling singled out and it's upsetting her. I understand why this may be happening, but can I ask that it's done with discretion?'

If your school has a parent support adviser, I'd ask to meet with them. Then you can explain the situation face to face and have your side recorded on your daughter's records.

[MiriamMargo]

I feel for you, and totally empathise, but dont get mad about this, if you do he winning, you have nothing to hide, and as others have said the school are doing their job, and looking out for your little girl. Please look at this as positive, if there is a child in the school being neglected at least they dont get overlooked

[Meuniere]

@WentworthPrison

I'm a teacher and I would never forgive myself of I didn't check a few times after that. It would be very easy for a parent to fill a lunchbox after an accusation but are they doing it consistently? I'd know it was a rubbish accusation but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't check and something happened.

But for how long?

And how will you check that this isn't affecting the child, a child that has alreday gone through a lot, incl violence at home??

Why is it nor possible to check by looking at what the child is eating during lunch time instead, making less intrusive for the child?

I mean if you want to make sure just for your peace of mind, feel free. But is it fair to do it at the detriment of the OP and her dd? Because by doing that, you are playing right in the hands of an abuser (and basically replacing him) by making a parent feel crap and ensuring there is still some pressure on her to 'perform' or for her to be waiting anxioulsy for someone to tell her she is doig it wrong again.
This is what the SS are saying when they say that this is his tactic to keep tabs on the OP and keep some control over her - via the teacher and the school. Nice.

[SpaceOP]

Absolutely agree with other posters that the teachers checking isn't the issue. The issue is that they're making it a big deal and singling out your daughter. Reception children's lunch boxes are NOT difficult to monitor casually - half the time they need help opening them etc - so quite frankly, there's no excuse for your DD to feel like she's being watched.

So I'd be inclined to contact school and say you appreciate they have to follow up and of course, you have no concerns and neither does the social worker but you ARE concerned about how DD feels being singled out and please could they take a more subtle approach?

I just had a situation where I flagged a concern re DD to the school (500x more minor than what's going on with you) and the class teacher rang me last week to have a chat about how they can manage it without turning it into a big deal. That, it seems to me, is the appropriate response.

[Dinoctoblock]

OP, you can view it that they are checking up on you.

Or you can view it that they are gathering evidence in your favour.

If whether you provide adequate food is ever questioned again, they will be able to say they have observed full, healthy lunchboxes on numerous occasions.

[IHateCoronavirus]

@Meuniere

re the school intention on the dd welfare....

I have a question. Is it really normal for the school to believe

• what gossips from another person when that person is known the be violent/had to be removed from the house ... aka they will clearly have a grudge. These were just gossips becayse I am sure that the ex didnt come with any proof of what he was saying.
• but not believing reports from SS when SS are involved and have said there is NO ISSUE re the welfare of the child and the allegations against the OP??

I mean yes by all means protect the child. But also using a bit of common sense to be sure that the constant checking isn't affecting the child (which it will do and the dd has already noticed her lunchbox is been checked when no one else is). What theyare doing isn't neutral in the eyes of the child.

From a teacher’s point of view...
SS can miss things. Resources are stretched, we all need to do our bit to make sure no child is let down.
If the system was faultless there would be no serious case reviews.
Unfortunately, there are still too many children being let down, and they are not always the obvious ones either.

[Guardsman18]

To be honest (and I'm almost always on the side of the school), I would not be happy with this at all.

Would it be so difficult for someone in the hall to have a discreet glance as he/she were passing?

Making a big thing of it is wrong. It's singling her out. It will only take one child to ask their parent why that was happening and they could say anything - problems at home etc.

Yes they should be looking out for her (God forbid if there was a packet of crisps in her lunch box!) but in every school I've worked in it would be done discreetly.

I don't think you need to go in all guns blazing but asking if it could be done without her knowledge is not an unreasonable request.

[jillandhersprite]

@OudRose

Completely understand the school needing to check, but they shouldn't be doing it in front of your child and making her feel uncomfortable.

I would say something like... 'DD has asked me why you're checking her lunch each day; she's feeling singled out and it's upsetting her. I understand why this may be happening, but can I ask that it's done with discretion?'

If your school has a parent support adviser, I'd ask to meet with them. Then you can explain the situation face to face and have your side recorded on your daughter's records.

This...

I want to give you a big hug because it must be horrible to have him still causing you problems, just remember that slowly and surely all the avenues he has will shut down as his ability to control will eventually disappear.
You showed amazing strength to get out, that same strength will get you through this...

[oreshina]

I would ask for a meeting to discuss this. I would thank the school for safeguarding your child and that you understand they have a duty of care but remind them that the only reason social services are involved with your family life is because you notified the police of the DV you were experiencing.

[Guardsman18]

Sorry - after my ramble I have realised pp has said what I have!

[Poppinjay]

Why is it nor possible to check by looking at what the child is eating during lunch time instead, making less intrusive for the child?

Presumably because the teacher isn't generally in the lunch hall when they are eating and doesn't want to delegate the responsibility to another member of staff.

It is possible to check more discreetly but it takes more thought and effort.

[randomer]

Little one is 4? 5? be sure of your information first.

[Afibtomyboy]

Sorry if I missed
How much access does he have with be he Children post split?

[lyralalala]

@Meuniere

re the school intention on the dd welfare....

I have a question. Is it really normal for the school to believe

• what gossips from another person when that person is known the be violent/had to be removed from the house ... aka they will clearly have a grudge. These were just gossips becayse I am sure that the ex didnt come with any proof of what he was saying.
• but not believing reports from SS when SS are involved and have said there is NO ISSUE re the welfare of the child and the allegations against the OP??

I mean yes by all means protect the child. But also using a bit of common sense to be sure that the constant checking isn't affecting the child (which it will do and the dd has already noticed her lunchbox is been checked when no one else is). What theyare doing isn't neutral in the eyes of the child.

There's nothing to say that the checks are because they believe the ex.

How can they ever back up the OP and say "The child comes to school with good lunches" if they never check?

So they both need to double check that SS is correct (and bear in mind that the school will have a lot more contact with the child than the SW) and also make sure they have good records so that if they are ever called on for information they have it there.

They do need to double check that SS are correct though. Social workers are massively, massively over-worked and under staffed. Things can be missed. If it all goes wrong then the school, as the people who see the child every week day in term, will be given a huge amount of the blame for missing things.

Regarding the checking not being discreet - we have to remember the way schools are having to operate at the moment. Pre-covid the teacher would have been able to take a minute while the kids were busy to have a quick rummage through the lunch box trolley and have a peek. At the moment the lunch will be with the child the whole time, the staff can't touch it and they can't even get too close to the child to have a look.

[Afibtomyboy]

I do suspect The school may, rightfullynor wrongfully, had ore existing Concerns to have pressed the nuclear button (social services) following a one off call from an estranged cleverly bitter ex

[Frappuccinofan]

I don’t really get why you’re annoyed. They’re just investigating the accusations, because as a school they need to protect school children including offering assistance with food if appropriate. All you need to do is carry on as you have been doing and you will naturally prove him wrong without any additional effort

[Afibtomyboy]

I like the sound of this school
Pro active and swift

[lyralalala]

@Afibtomyboy

I do suspect The school may, rightfullynor wrongfully, had ore existing Concerns to have pressed the nuclear button (social services) following a one off call from an estranged cleverly bitter ex

Contacting social services to discuss a family they knew had a recently issued non-mol order about a phone call alleging neglect isn't pressing a nuclear button.

It's entirely the proper procedure. If people involved don't all talk to each other then the bigger picture isn't complete.

[IHateCoronavirus]

Op can you reassure DD that her teacher is interested in her lunch (breakfast and dinner too if she asks) because you told her what lovely things she eats? Maybe she wants to eat the same things as DD because DD is such a good listener/hard worker/kind friend/ clever thinker etc.
It would change the experience from one of to one of

[Heffersclub]

Don't have it out with the school = sorry your ex is doing this to you but the school has to check the kids are alright, they might check one or two times more and them that'll be it. If there's any more hassle - ask the SW to speak to school.
The fact you have a SW involved in your life means there ARE concerns for the child even if that's not entirely your fault.

[WorrierorWarrior]

What has happened to you and your children is very similar to what happened to me and my DCs many years ago.
I had a Court Order against exh seeing the DCs. He and his family were bullies. He took it to Court thinking he would win when he didnt he was angry. When we split he lost out on my car, my house and my income. He made a report to SS that I did not feed my DCs and wanted them in hospital immediately. I knew my DCs were fine but the night we arrived in the hospital he showed up at 11pm knowing that I could hardly kick off in a hospital.
The DCs are much older now and they were never without a meal or anything else for that matter. The exh showed up again when DCs were adults and plying them with lies about how he paid so much in Child Support that he could not give birthday or christmas presents. Meanwhile CMS have confirmed in writing that he paid no Support at all.
The point here is when will Social Services ever help the abused mother and DC and force the absent father to pay maintenance to ensure that the DC have money for food. When will Social Services ever accept that these fathers are abusing the children and the mothers and they are assisting him to do so.
It takes a bit of common sense to see that some father chucked out the house is fairly likely to come up with complaints.
Decades later he is still causing or trying to cause problems. I dont engage. I keep myself away from him and those who believe his tales.