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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my sister has uninvited my husband and some of my children to her wedding?

449 replies

Reallybadidea · 26/09/2020 21:09

Sister is getting married next month. It was going to be a fairly big wedding but coronavirus rules mean that she can now only have a maximum of 15 people in total, including bride and groom. My eldest daughter and I are bridesmaids and still invited, but she has decided that she would prefer for a group of friends to be among the guests in preference to my husband and other 2 children (her nephews).

I get that she's in a difficult position, but I'm really hurt that she's picked friends over family. I'm not going have an argument over it, it's not worth it, but I'm interested to know how other people would feel in this situation.

OP posts:
Rocinante39 · 27/09/2020 10:39

You should have read the full thread - OP says "Groom has 2 guest (family members), the rest are all on my sister's side fwiw."

Ever seen "their wedding, their choice". I haven't.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/09/2020 10:40

Just to clarify this is from the government website:

From 28 September no more than 15 people can legally attend a marriage or civil partnership, even where this can be safely accommodated with social distancing in a COVID-19 secure venue. Up until 28 September the gathering limit will be 30. This is the maximum number for all attendees at the event, including the couple and guests. Anyone working is not included as part of the legal limit.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/covid-19-guidance-for-small-marriages-and-civil-partnerships/covid-19-guidance-for-small-marriages-and-civil-partnerships

MiddleClassProblem · 27/09/2020 10:40

Maybe she should could hire them 😂

tigerbear · 27/09/2020 10:43

Really confused now about exactly who is/isn’t included in the 15, from a general perspective. I’m supposed to be getting married at some point in the next few months, and we’re trying to figure out if we can do it with just 15.

So many people on this thread are adamant that the celebrant or priest is included in the 15, but referring to the official government guidance, it says that anyone working at the venue ISN’T included in the 15.

Emeraldshamrock · 27/09/2020 10:44

Give over. It was going to be a big wedding now it is not it isn't difficult to understand I'm sure she is upset with her plans changing she can't please everyone.

tigerbear · 27/09/2020 10:44

Ah, cross posted with @MiddleClassProblem
So, the priest/celebrant would be classed as someone working, then?

HeronLanyon · 27/09/2020 10:45

I wouldn’t even worry about it. Of course she’ll want both friends and family but numbers mean compromises. Not sure why you can’t just understand. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love your dh and other children but we are all having to make decisions about ‘stuff’ and we all have to understand.
Have fun at the wedding. Take photos and vids and share with your dh and other dcs who were invited save for this new restriction.
Whatever you do don’t make things more stressful for her by asking or complaining to her etc.
Hope it goes well op.

Dyrne · 27/09/2020 10:48

@tigerbear

Really confused now about exactly who is/isn’t included in the 15, from a general perspective. I’m supposed to be getting married at some point in the next few months, and we’re trying to figure out if we can do it with just 15.

So many people on this thread are adamant that the celebrant or priest is included in the 15, but referring to the official government guidance, it says that anyone working at the venue ISN’T included in the 15.

I think some of the confusion comes from the fact that individual registry offices may have different rules depending on size/shape of rooms etc; so people may be commenting based on their own recent experience of a specific location whereas others are commenting based on government guidance.
museumum · 27/09/2020 10:49

@Reallybadidea

Groom has 2 guests, the rest are all on my sister's side fwiw.
Even more important to invite joint friends then than your husband and kids. Sorry, it’s rubbish but I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. Would you really feel that your children should be your sisters top ten people?
aSofaNearYou · 27/09/2020 10:52

I've heard of bridezillas before MN, but never realised there were so many guestzillas out there!

MN is FULL of guestzillas!

tigerbear · 27/09/2020 11:19

@Dyrne ah yes, hadn’t thought of that.

gurglebelly · 27/09/2020 11:23

@tigerbear

Really confused now about exactly who is/isn’t included in the 15, from a general perspective. I’m supposed to be getting married at some point in the next few months, and we’re trying to figure out if we can do it with just 15.

So many people on this thread are adamant that the celebrant or priest is included in the 15, but referring to the official government guidance, it says that anyone working at the venue ISN’T included in the 15.

The officiants and photographer were included in the 30 but since it has been cut to 15 it has changed.

The 15 includes Bride and Groom plus 13 guests (including the 2 witnesses) it does not include the vicar/registrar, venue staff or photographer

gurglebelly · 27/09/2020 11:27

But yes @Dyrne makes a really good point, smaller venues may not have enough space to social distance if you have the registrars on top of the 15 so may have different rules

We are getting caught in this and our original day time numbers were 100 people so the space where we will have the ceremony is plenty big enough to follow the government guidance.

AliciaJohns89 · 27/09/2020 11:46

@aSofaNearYou

I've heard of bridezillas before MN, but never realised there were so many guestzillas out there!

MN is FULL of guestzillas!

That's what I mean - MN made me realise how many of them exist!
dottiedodah · 27/09/2020 11:48

TBH it is a really hard situation ATM. With such a small number inviited how can she win? We had over 150 people to our wedding! Couldnt imagine leaving anyone out but at 10 times less she is well and truly stymied isnt she .As long as you and DD are going ,then I doubt DH and your boys will be too worried! Many men find weddings a bit of a bore anyway (unless its theirs ,or they are going to be Best Man) She will obv want her chums with her and probably feels upset that she has to curtail her plans .

nitsandwormsdodger · 27/09/2020 11:52

As her maid of honour you should have offered. Husband up as a drop out to stop her stressing
How does your husband feel ? Maybe he is happy to get back f wedding pass

I do understand the hurt offer the split in kids- but again how do they feel about it ?

AliciaJohns89 · 27/09/2020 11:54

@SoloMummy

Those saying the op is selfish because it's all so hard when she can only have 15 guests is imo very simplistic. She has a choice to mardy now or later. She's chosen now. So if course the op can be disappointed that her children haven't made the cut!
You can't seriously think the OP should be upset that her sister hasn't postponed her wedding so she can invite her brother-in-law and nephews? Marriage is a contract. It's sensible to prioritise the legal protection of marriage above a big wedding. Even Princess Beatrice had a tiny wedding, and her family's loaded!
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 27/09/2020 11:57

Yanbu to be upset. The Covid wedding situation has forced us to see that our children aren't as much of a priority to our siblings as we would like them to be and that's hard to face.
But Y would BU to make your sister feel bad about it because really it is normal to be closer to friends than teenage nephews
I think her fiance has probably been really nice and let her use up all 'his' spaces. Possibly because her friends are important to her.

cologne4711 · 27/09/2020 11:59

I get that she's in a difficult position, but I'm really hurt that she's picked friends over family. I'm not going have an argument over it, it's not worth it, but I'm interested to know how other people would feel in this situation

I would take the view that 15 people is a ridiculously small number of people to be able to have, and not make a fuss. If a member of DH's family got married and said I couldn't go with him, I wouldn't be offended, I'd just accept the situation as it is. A friend of mine said he attended his cousin's wedding virtually yesterday.

ilovemyrednosedaymug · 27/09/2020 12:14

OP, it is upsetting, but anyone I know that is still getting married is literally inviting siblings without their partners or kids due to numbers.

I feel very sorry for anyone in this situation, a friend of a friend is having to rearrange hers for the third time and now has no idea what date to pick next year :(

I expect your sister is upset about the situation but obviously wants her best friends there.

We were joking about Christmas yesterday, there are usually 8 of us, my brothers family is 4, my parents are 2 and me and DD are 2. So I said that my parents have to decide if they spend Christmas with him or leave me and DD on our own (plays worlds tiniest violin).

ineedaholidaynow · 27/09/2020 12:15

I was going to suggest whether they can have a live video link during the ceremony.

RoseGoldEagle · 27/09/2020 12:43

Your phrasing ‘my DC not making the final cut’ is really childish. She’s is such a hard position, please don’t make this hard for her, this isn’t a reflection on you or your DC, it’s a sign of these horrible times we’re living in.

TankGirl97 · 27/09/2020 12:49

If I'd had my wedding this year, I would have chosen friends over nieces/nephews too. I'd view it as having 'representatives' from each group, and hopefully zooming with others on the day too. It's a shame for your kids and as the bride I'd have tried to send presents or do something special for them to make up for it.

Albustydumbledore · 27/09/2020 12:50

Ok so I got married a few weeks ago.
Our numbers had to include

Bride & Groom 2
Photographer 1
Celebrants 2 (we weren't given a choice to just have 1, not sure if this is due to social distancing 🤷‍♀️)

That's 5 people.

If she were only allowed 10 guests and you're a family of 5 I think in this instance she's being reasonable. But we are in really really strange times.

She's hoping you'll understand and it won't cause I'll feelings/ drama.

And you probably don't quite understand because i can tell you from very recent experience it's really not a nice situation to be in.

Hopefully you can all celebrate together soon. Just be there for your sister. It's not going to be the wedding she will have imagined. It's quite shocking when you see everybody wearing masks instead of smiling faces. You don't prepare yourself for that bit.

It's not what anybody wants but it's about the marriage isn't it. She hasn't organised this in spite of your sons or husband. She's done it in spite of the situation. Hope you all have a lovely day regardless. Sorry it's rubbish Wine

Original poster
Reallybadidea · 27/09/2020 12:58

As her maid of honour you should have offered

I'm not her maid of honour. Honestly, why do people make stuff up?

OP posts: