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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my sister has uninvited my husband and some of my children to her wedding?

449 replies

Reallybadidea · 26/09/2020 21:09

Sister is getting married next month. It was going to be a fairly big wedding but coronavirus rules mean that she can now only have a maximum of 15 people in total, including bride and groom. My eldest daughter and I are bridesmaids and still invited, but she has decided that she would prefer for a group of friends to be among the guests in preference to my husband and other 2 children (her nephews).

I get that she's in a difficult position, but I'm really hurt that she's picked friends over family. I'm not going have an argument over it, it's not worth it, but I'm interested to know how other people would feel in this situation.

OP posts:
Bemyhat · 27/09/2020 08:04

@chatterbugmegastar agreed! 👏

@Reallybadidea maybe you shouldn’t go at all? She could swap you for a guest who is genuinely happy to be there SmileFlowers

LuckyToTheStar · 27/09/2020 08:06

Yeah I'm another who thinks you're being selfish.

My BIL would be one of the first to be cut because I honestly barely speak to him.

And as for your kids, I'd choose my friends over them too when it came to a wedding. Kids often don't even like being at weddings, they are forced to go by their parents and find them boring. They also don't add much to the day. It's certainly not the same as having your friends there.

She's in a shit situation as it is. She deserves to have the people she wants most there, not use up a load of spaces on people she's not really bothered about being there on the day (and who probably aren't either) through some sort of family expectation.

Bubblesgun · 27/09/2020 08:08

@Reallybadidea

I can understand my dh not being among the 15, it's my kids that I'm upset about. They're plenty old enough to understand that they haven't made the final cut!
*@reallybadidea*

If they are old enough to understand they havent made the finL cut, they are old to understand why. Your sister is doing her best to have both representatives of the family and of her friends. She chose well.
But if YOU feel hurt, then you re sending a message to your kids that they in turn should feel hurt. You own the narrative, look on the bright side.

Pikachubaby · 27/09/2020 08:09

Good luck to your sister

OP, try and be understanding instead of nurturing your hurt feelings Biscuit

thecatsthecats · 27/09/2020 08:12

So your teen sons would be on a guest list that includes no other teenage boys or girls, or any relatives their age? Your daughter at least gets the fun of dresseup as a bridesmaid, but I can't see the entertainment value for them.

And sorry to any who were sensitive souls at a very young age, but I don't think teens can truly have any idea what the commitment means anyway. It's so much less meaningful to them to see their aunt commit, even if they were bothered about going.

espressoontap · 27/09/2020 08:12

YABU. Biscuit

VintageStitchers · 27/09/2020 08:12

OP, how many people inc. bride and groom, attended your wedding? Did you have the full works with sit down meal, evening do etc.?

In years to come, will your DH and 2 DC’s not being invited be as big a disappointment as her disappointment in not being allowed to have a wedding as lavish as yours?

Erictheavocado · 27/09/2020 08:15

I feel for you OP. Based upon what I read on mn, I think I am quite unusual in that I would prioritise family over friends for this sort of thing. However, I do understand that times are tricky at the moment and for whatever reason, your sister feels that your ds's and dh are the unfortunate guests she needs to cut from her list. Although you say she is close to at least one of your ds's, she either feels closer to her friends or maybe that your husband and sons will be more understanding about being cut. In normal times, I would be revaluating my relationship with her, but these are not normal times and I suspect she will have found the decision hard to make.

missbipolar · 27/09/2020 08:16

Actually I think its really shit that she's picking favourites out of the children- it should be all or none

LuckyToTheStar · 27/09/2020 08:16

I also agree you need to get a little perspective. You didn't face this when having your wedding I assume. I feel so sorry for people getting married right now.

And I've just seen the 'kids' in question are 17 and 19. Bloody hell. I have a 19 year old nephew and he honestly wouldn't give a shit about coming to my wedding! He's far more interested in his mates and girlfriend. I'm sure I wouldn't make his final cut if he were to have a party either!

LuckyToTheStar · 27/09/2020 08:17

@missbipolar

Actually I think its really shit that she's picking favourites out of the children- it should be all or none
One is in the bridal party...
SkyDragon · 27/09/2020 08:18

I would let it go. The poor woman can only have 15 people at her wedding. Be kind and think of her. It's not about you and she doesn't need the added burden of you being 'hurt'.

AnotherEmma · 27/09/2020 08:18

So many unnecessarily harsh replies 🙄

OP, it's her choice (and fair enough) to invite friends rather than your husband and kids, but I do think that she is being unreasonable to invite your daughter and not your sons. I think you either invite them all or none of them (and in this situation I would probably not invite any). PPs seem to think that because she's a girl and they're boys, she will enjoy it more, but that's just sexist. I suppose because she is a bridesmaid this gives her special "wedding party" status but I think that's a bit silly and a wedding party becomes a bit pointless when you're having a tiny wedding anyway.

oakleaffy · 27/09/2020 08:18

@Reallybadidea

I can understand my dh not being among the 15, it's my kids that I'm upset about. They're plenty old enough to understand that they haven't made the final cut!
Do kids really enjoy weddings?

I understand her cutting out kids over close friends in this circumstance
15 is a tiny number of people to choose from.

RattleOfBars · 27/09/2020 08:19

Why would she want your husband and kids at her wedding over her friends? That’s what you want but you’re not the bride.

Unless she’s really close to your DH and has close relationships with her nephews it’s natural she’d prefer her close friends over your family. Also kids get bored and whiny at weddings.

Just enjoy the day child free and be grateful the wedding can still go ahead?

PrivateD00r · 27/09/2020 08:19

@Reallybadidea

Thanks for the responses. It's interesting to see that the majority of people wouldn't be at all bothered by this. I don't really see how being quietly disappointed on my dc's behalf makes me a guestzilla, unsupportive or suggests that I don't care about her. I shall continue with not saying anything to her and not making a fuss about it though!
OP I am on your side! I would be shocked too and feel a bit annoyed (quietly). But then I go against the MN grain on this issue as I was genuinely really pissed off when sil didn't invite our dc (her nieces and nephews) to her wedding at the last minute. I had already bought their clothes and it was too late to organise childcare so we couldn't go. I personally think it speaks volumes about someone when they don't want their own nieces and nephews there for their big day. I know that is an unpopular opinion on here but I can't help how I feel!
SD1978 · 27/09/2020 08:19

I'm afraid I see her point, 4 out if the 15 people would come from you, are your parents and his coming? That's 8. Best man, 9. It's a crap situation, but I understand her wanting as many friends as well as family as she can.

emilybrontescorsett · 27/09/2020 08:20

Your sister and her husband to be have been put in an awful predicament.
Quite frankly you can't expect her to choose your entire family over her best friends. If I were her I would do the same. There is no way I would have my bil and 2 nephews, who probably aren't that bothered about going, rather than my best friend at my wedding.

oakleaffy · 27/09/2020 08:21

@SkyDragon

I would let it go. The poor woman can only have 15 people at her wedding. Be kind and think of her. It's not about you and she doesn't need the added burden of you being 'hurt'.
This. Kids of 17 and 19....Those are adults in my book! I'm sure they will get over it.
emilybrontescorsett · 27/09/2020 08:22

As others have said she has 6 or 7 guests the same as her fiance. That's all.

roastbeetrootsalad · 27/09/2020 08:24

Another classic AIBU?

Everyone- YES

OP - I don't think I am

Why even ask OP? You are being massively unreasonable for all of the reasons explained multiple times within this thread. Get over it and don't spoil her day.

oakleaffy · 27/09/2020 08:25

'Teenaged boys of over 16 miss family wedding:

''Phew we dodged a bullet there''

Sanitiser · 27/09/2020 08:26

I’ve just cut partners and other children from my list. My DN is still coming but his mum said to me she assumed he wouldn’t still be on the list and that she would totally understand.

I’d understand your hurt more if your DC were little children , but they are actually young adults, surely they would prefer your sister to have her actual friends there instead of them?

MindyStClaire · 27/09/2020 08:27

PrivateD00r ordinarily I'd agree, but this isn't ordinary.

Tbh OP, unless your DD is particularly close to your sister, I'd be encouraging her to drop out so the groom can have someone else.

It sucks, it really does. But it's not your sister's fault and it sucks a lot more for her.

diddl · 27/09/2020 08:33

How come the groom has so few guests?

I'd certainly pick a friend over my BIL, but as I only have one niece she would be invited.

Maybe your sister just thinks the two boys wouldn't be bothered?

Did she talk about it or just tell you?