I’m so angry with my friend of 30 years. Do I tell her?

[Hillfarmer]

Once of my closest friends has told me she has just committed insurance fraud. I am incensed.

We have been close friends for decades and seen each other through all sorts of ups and downs life has thrown at us. She had the benefit of a brilliant education, happy family life, loving parents etc. She has an interesting and stimulating job, is noted in her field, owns her own house, has dc, is not short of money and travels widely.

When we last met up, she told me she had made a false claim on her travel insurance. I don’t want to give too many details but safe to say the claim would be worth at least £1000.

I am absolutely outraged. The more I think about it, the more furious I am. It is fraud. She must have lied through her teeth. She is taking the piss out of all of us who pay our premiums in the hope that we don’t have to claim. My ( and everyone else’s) premiums cost more because of people like her. And she saw fit to tell me...bold as bloody brass!

I as grumpy with her when she blithely told me, said I couldn’t believe she’d done this, but it could have come across as ironic or jokey. And it wasn’t till afterwards that I fully recognised how absolutely fucking angry-making it was. I’m also really angry that she thought it was OK to tell me! I now feel burdened with this information. I haven’t wanted to speak to her since that meeting and I just don’t know what to say, since I am seething.

Thing is...she is a very old and, despite everything, a valued friend. Should I tell her how I feel. And what would I be doing apart from telling her off? I don’t want this to be an end to our friendship, but i don’t feel I can let it go.

I’ve been pondering this on my own, and really don’t know where it leaves our friendship. But there is absolutely no excuse (if ever there is) for what she has done.

This seems to be a really big thing to do among those completely lacking in class at the moment.

Record her saying it and report her if you don’t like it. That would be far more pro-active than moaning on here.

OP I can't believe that so many people appear to be so dishonest on here and appear to think that what your friend has done is OK/victimless.

I think this is a sad indictment of society today where people are so out for themselves. It would certainly colour my opinion of someone if they did something like that.

If it was me I would want to tell my friend how I felt,but I'd probably only do it if the issue came up.

Good luck

I get where you’re coming from and for me it would really actually change the way I view someone

[quote Oodlesofnoodles20]@AlternativePerspective so you’ve never gone above the speed limit at any time? Drank alcohol under the age of 18? Beeped a horn on your car to acknowledge someone? Been drunk in a pub, street or restaurant? Used a fake name on the internet? All these are crimes mind. I find it hard to believe that there’s a person in the world that hasn’t committed some sort. It’s just about where people draw the line.[/quote]
Don't be an apologist for a person who has wilfully committed fraud.

Listing a bunch of other crimes does not make this one excusable.

Insurance fraud is extremely serious, not least of all because it is premeditated and if caught, this "friend" will find themselves having to state "Yes" in all future insurance applications to the question "have you ever been declined insurance".

I don't understand how she has claimed for a holiday that never existed. Surely she would need to provide some sort of documentation?

She made up a claim. She didn’t inflate or pad out a valid or existing claim. She made out that she had lost something that didn’t exist.

I didn't read that as the friend claiming for a holiday, I took it that she was claiming for an item (maybe something lost on holiday?) which could be easier to evidence with a receipt or credit card payment. The OP said she doesn't want to give too much detail on here.

so you’ve never gone above the speed limit at any time? Drank alcohol under the age of 18? Beeped a horn on your car to acknowledge someone? Been drunk in a pub, street or restaurant? Used a fake name on the internet? All these are crimes mind. There’s a vast difference between getting a speeding fine and a crime which in many instances carries a jail sentence.

But since you ask, no.

Good friendships are hard won and important. I would speak to her about it without telling her off.

If it were my friend, I would say something like ‘you know it’s fraud DF?!, why on earth are you doing something like that lovely thing? What do you suddenly need the money for?’

If it turned out she routinely made fraudulent claims and consistently lied and stole I would distance myself from that relationship.

If she really needed the money for something unusual (e.g a debt) I’d try and help her work out a better way to meet the expense.

If it was a one off ‘because I can!’ moment, I’d point out it was fraud, the possible penalties if found out and that it’s not a victimless crime. I’d suggest retracting the claim.

I don’t get all the people who would readily throw away a long friendship on a single admission, but I would also want to know more of the reasons why she had committed fraud. It wouldn’t be a ‘meh!’ situation for me in the same way it would if a friend told me that their parents visited their family of five meaning there were seven in the house, for example.

So let’s look at this notion that this is a victimless crime.

The OP, and seemingly most of the population if this thread is anything to go by, feel that if they put in a claim for a grand it’s not that big of a deal. After all, the insurance companies make millions, so it’s nothing to them. Except it is.

Those insurance companies, as a consequence of all those claims, put up their premiums. Not just for the people who have claimed, but for everyone.

As a result of this someone you maybe know, who doesn’t have much to live on because they’re a single parent whose ex doesn’t pay maintenance and they’re living on benefits, can’t afford to take out insurance because they can’t afford to pay the premiums.

Then one day they come home and find they’ve been burgled, or worse, they suffer a house fire and the house, and everything in it, burns down.

But because they couldn’t afford to pay for an insurance policy, there is no way for them to recoup that loss. But that’s ok right?

When you defraud a large organisation, your impact on everyone else. The little people, you know, the ones like you who think that the insurance companies charge too much, so much in fact they can’t afford to pay their premiums. Because of people like you.

As someone who is currently in the midst of an insurance fraud I would be fucking incensed.

In our case the other driver crashed into DD, then tried to get her to accept liability then put in a personal injuries claim for him and a non existent passenger. No personal injuries were sustained.

DD has just spent three hours of her life doing a 1:1 statement in our home with an ex-detective to defend herself.

Insurance fraud is not a victimless crime. It stinks and I would be questioning the friendship too.

And for the people who say that it’s wrong to think badly of her, the fact that she told me would imply that she obviously believes I don’t have any morals either.

From reading your post OP it seems the main concern is that you feel it’s unfair on you and others. Rather than if your friend was found out she would be in trouble.

Speak to her it’s clearly got you heated. However be open it’s her life not yours!

@Killpopp @chipsandpeas

Yeah, zero morals. Not something of which to be proud, really.

Quite. Presumably expecting you would giggle along or be impressed 🙄. Shows how little she actually knows op really. And quite insulting.

This all seems a bit silly. Obviously she shouldn't have done it but... She's your best friend of 30 years, and you don't feel able to just say to her that you think what she did was wrong? I dont get It.

How about saying to old friend: "Look Jane, what you told me about the insurance fraud is really shocking, and I'm worried something might be affecting your judgement. You're well-respected in your work, do you really want to throw that away? Insurance companies are not stupid, you know, you'll need lots of evidence to convince them and, anyway, it is wrong.
D'you remember those conversations we used to have with the children about going into school when they were feeling tired, and not trying to pull a sickie? You were always insistent you shouldn't do their homework for them. You were so honourable and honest. What's happened?

I'm worried. Have you met some guy online who's defrauding you out of goods...or says he'd find you more attractive if you were a bit more daring. I'm pretty disgusted, Jane, to be honest. And Kate, Meg and Anne would be too, if they knew. Have you told other people about this?"

You sound a bit holier than thou. Just let her get on with her life, she is making bad choices but they are her choices, why are you so angry? Shocked it get but angry at something that doesn’t involve or affect you?

@Wakemeupwhenthisisover

You sound a bit holier than thou. Just let her get on with her life, she is making bad choices but they are her choices, why are you so angry? Shocked it get but angry at something that doesn’t involve or affect you?

Exactly. 30 years friendship.

I don't get why you are so angry, I think there is more to this that you don't necessarily know consciously.

I think you need to face up to the possibility that it might be the fact that she committed a crime and got away with it that you are really angry about. I’d be willing to bet that if she had been caught OP, you’d have found some sympathy and fellow feeling for her mistake and lapse of judgement. But she hasn’t: so that not only means she gets away Scot free but that society doesn’t condemn her and you have no scapegoat for your own true feelings. Do you not have the courage of your convictions? Can you not handle any challenge at all? That’s on you mate! Be honest with her: I don’t like what you have done there. The world won’t fall in if you speak frankly.

I’d be willing to bet that if she had been caught OP, you’d have found some sympathy and fellow feeling for her mistake and lapse of judgement. Only someone with no moral compass would sympathise with someone who had been caught knowingly committing fraud.

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit I don’t think that’s on op. Of course there’s a huge difference between a friend saying a) I’ve been really stupid, done a terrible thing, feel so bad and facing prison and b) friend much better off than you who doesn’t need the cash bragging about how she’s got free cash by defrauding her insurer

Even in a) I would view friend totally differently going forward. If you know someone is dishonest very difficult to feel confident eg if she was arranging a group holiday or whatever. Eg I once went on a hen do where it emerged the organiser had got the hens to essentially pay for her family to go on holiday before the hen do in the villa by quoting a price different to the s as crisp price and getting us to split that. Strangely didn’t mention her family would stay there some days before - for free!! Who wants a dishonest friend?

“ She is making a fool out of me and everyone else who don’t do this stuff.”

Oh my god get over yourself OP

You do sound quite unsuited as friends. Is it one of those childhood friendships where you realise if you met them now you wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole but you kind of stuck with them due to a shared history? Time for a friend upgrade!