I’m so angry with my friend of 30 years. Do I tell her?

[Hillfarmer]

Once of my closest friends has told me she has just committed insurance fraud. I am incensed.

We have been close friends for decades and seen each other through all sorts of ups and downs life has thrown at us. She had the benefit of a brilliant education, happy family life, loving parents etc. She has an interesting and stimulating job, is noted in her field, owns her own house, has dc, is not short of money and travels widely.

When we last met up, she told me she had made a false claim on her travel insurance. I don’t want to give too many details but safe to say the claim would be worth at least £1000.

I am absolutely outraged. The more I think about it, the more furious I am. It is fraud. She must have lied through her teeth. She is taking the piss out of all of us who pay our premiums in the hope that we don’t have to claim. My ( and everyone else’s) premiums cost more because of people like her. And she saw fit to tell me...bold as bloody brass!

I as grumpy with her when she blithely told me, said I couldn’t believe she’d done this, but it could have come across as ironic or jokey. And it wasn’t till afterwards that I fully recognised how absolutely fucking angry-making it was. I’m also really angry that she thought it was OK to tell me! I now feel burdened with this information. I haven’t wanted to speak to her since that meeting and I just don’t know what to say, since I am seething.

Thing is...she is a very old and, despite everything, a valued friend. Should I tell her how I feel. And what would I be doing apart from telling her off? I don’t want this to be an end to our friendship, but i don’t feel I can let it go.

I’ve been pondering this on my own, and really don’t know where it leaves our friendship. But there is absolutely no excuse (if ever there is) for what she has done.

Yanbu op

This would be enough for me to walk away

This seems the sort of conundrum that could have been posted by a journalist to gauge what, in the general population, is the range of responses to insurance fraud. I've no way of knowing if it is such, but it's not an easy one to reply to because of the lack of crucial detail.
There is lots of emoting and sweeping statements about feeling mad, but not much nuance as to how the friend spoke about it, and whether they thought, for example, that it is a 'modern' crime that everybody does today, and whether their usual demeanour is 'bold as brass'. There is no information about friends reaction to OP less than keen response. Or whether friend had hitherto a tendency or potential to be a bit 'broad-minded' , you could say.

If it was a longstanding friend of mine, and she was elderly, I'd be worried that a wayward adult child, nephew, or unsuitable romantic interest had taken over a hold on her conscience and persuaded her to carry out the kind of acts that she wouldn't usually do. Elderly people are generally more pernickity and straight about accounting, and careful with money. They also can find online forms and general tick box questionnaires more difficult. They would be expected to be less confident about knowing how information is checked, or might be checked, when making such claims fraudulently. If I was a good friend I think I'd probe about any undue influence, whether it had been her own idea. Also, whether she realised the rules around credit referencing and being banned from getting home insurance in the future is found out. I'd assume a attitude of understanding a certain vulnerability about her due to her advancing years. Could this out of character behaviour be attributed to the onset of mental age-related decline? Is she becoming an enfant terrible and a possible danger to herself - taking risks and losing inhibitions? OP doesn't seem very keen to point her friend straight in a kindly way.
A strange post because outrage and sense of culpability are usually, about this kind of thing, based on how devious, and how many different sorts of lies. There is not enough detail to know. The degree of raw anger doesn't really fit the situation. As previous poster said, sadness yes; being perplexed and puzzled more to the point.

@Hillfarmer

She made up a claim. She didn’t inflate or pad out a valid or existing claim. She made out that she had lost something that didn’t exist.

I don’t think it’s ridiculous to have serious misgivings about that.

If this was my friend I would be worried about her. Because I think this is a mad thing to do. You say she’s well off so why would someone go through all the red tape of an insurance claim just for £1000? It doesn’t make sense. Is it a bit like private school girls stealing lipsticks from Boots for the thrill? Is she ok?

[quote saraclara]@SmileyClare, do you think stealing a £1k laptop form John Lewis is also "cheating the system" and so okay?

Where does theft and dishonesty become a problem for you?[/quote]
I don't think cheating the system is ok. My point was that I would judge a person far more harshly for deliberately hurting a person by their actions.

A friend wouldn't be dead to me if they admitted a one off fraudulent act. I might feel a mild disappointment.

Yes, I’m also shocked by the number of people who think this is no big deal. It’s really sad and disappointing to find that someone you, presumably, trusted and respected has no moral compass.

As she’s a good friend I think you should try and talk about it if you feel you can. If she admits it was wrong and regrets it now then you might be able to move on.

The fact that she’s comfortably off makes it harder to understand. It’s not like doing something wrong when you’re desperate.

I would be very concerned. Because it would mean they weren’t the person I had hoped they were

I’d have serious misgivings about a friend who did this, too. But if they were an old, good friend, I’d probably (definitely) prioritise my friendship, and get over myself it.

Do what you need to do, OP. Ditch her, and let her know why, if it’s that important to you.

I’m sure you’ll be much more fulfilled without her in your life, as long as your morals, ethics and principles are fully intact...

Exactly. This thread is bizarre

White collar crime. Always interesting to see who defends it, justifies it or accuses the OP of jealousy to minimise it.

I'm not sure what is strange about being shocked to find someone you thought you knew has turned out to be deliberately and needlessly dishonest.

I’m with you OP. I can’t believe the number of people that are ok with fraud for large amounts of money. Morals are sliding, it seems. And to liken it to taking shampoos from a hotel! 🤣

And I can actually complete understand that if op doesnt have as much cash heading someone well off brag about this wouldn't only be disgusting, it would also be infuriating

I agree that I would be sad and perplexed by her behaviour. I would wonder what else I could not trust about her. Insurance fraud affects everyone.

Tell her. A proper old friend may not agree but would listen and rather you got it off your chest.

There is no conundrum 🙄. You are either a thief committing insurance fraud who should be avoided by decent people or you are ...not. It’s not difficult.

Yeah "shocked" would be an expected reaction.

Let's look at ops reaction incensed, absolutely outraged, the more I think about it the more furious I am, so fucking angry

I would count my spoons after she left my house that’s for sure and not leave any loose change around, Theft is theft

Judge not and all that. I’m sure we’ve all done things our friends wouldn’t agree with. I can’t imagine losing a friend over an issue like this. I think if you would throw a friendship away over something like this, you weren’t really friends. Nope, I’ve never comitted a crime. And actually I wouldn’t consider someone who agreed that this was no big deal much of a decent person either. I’d rather people judge me for not being a criminal than feel I shouldn’t judge them for defrauding an insurance company.

Some judgements are warranted. Others are purely down to personal opinion.

Tell her how disappointed and angry you are. If she's a real friend she'll at least listen.

I'd have to cool it with a friend who's morals are that different from mine.

What does it matter? It's insurance fraud she hasn't robbed a bank lol Anyway those Insurance companies are criminal and glad she got one over on them!!!

This friend has shown that she's prepared to be dishonest. Tell a blatant lie and pocket £1000

Why would OP continue to trust her? I don't trust the friends I mentioned further up the thread any more. Their fraud involved even more. It bewilders me. In other ways they are decent people. But they were prepared to tell a massive lie, and commit fraud, because it seemed easy and they thought they deserved it (and yes, they also have plenty of money and in NO WAY needed what they stole
.
Middle class stealing is still stealing, and telling a huge lie is still dishonesty. I simply can't trust them to be honest and straightforward any more. And I can totally understand OP feeling the same way.

Why are some posters saying OP is envious? She’s saying the friend has plenty of money and a happy life, so no financial or mental-health issues that might make the theft more understandable.

@Killpopp

If my best friend murdered someone I would genuinely help her get rid of the body.

So Insurance fraud. Meh.

Depends WHY she murdered them, but if there's a good reason, I'd probably be more forgiving than about insurance fraud.

Yes it's stealing, but your reaction seems completely OTT. It's a tad milder than organ trafficking or child abuse.

@AlternativePerspective so you’ve never gone above the speed limit at any time? Drank alcohol under the age of 18? Beeped a horn on your car to acknowledge someone? Been drunk in a pub, street or restaurant? Used a fake name on the internet? All these are crimes mind. I find it hard to believe that there’s a person in the world that hasn’t committed some sort. It’s just about where people draw the line.

Your friend lacks morals but more importantly she sounds thick as shit. She committed insurance fraud for £1000. I think you should dump her for her low IQ alone. She is risking so much for £1000?

@nicky7654

What does it matter? It's insurance fraud she hasn't robbed a bank lol Anyway those Insurance companies are criminal and glad she got one over on them!!!

What does it matter? Oh dear, a village somewhere is missing an idiot.

I would view someone very differently for this and keep them at arm’s length. I once ditched a chap because he was pleased that a restaurant undercharged him (he knew and kept quiet). I don’t believe I should lighten up, I think these things are prime examples of ‘when someone tells you who they are, believe them’.