DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

I love this idea. Sometimes you just don’t want to have to think about another person when you do every little thing. You got married, you aren’t co-joined. Since lockdown the sheer inability to make myself a cup of tea without constantly having to see if the whole house is thirsty drives me bananas.

you sound utterly convinced of your own cooking prowess and you have made it clear over the course of all your comments that only you can cook anything you want to eat. That's obnoxious, tbh. But whatever floats your boat

But you were BVU to get a takeaway without asking your DW even if she had said she wasn't hungry any more. Sometimes when I'm knackered after a week's work i CBA to cook and would probably say I'm not hungry but jump at the chance of food if someone put it in front of me.

I think you all need to sit down and work out how you would all prefer to arrange dinners.

Bravo TomPinch......DIY was clear, you DIY’d 🙌👏🤣

I agree with OP and the poster a few comments back.

Maybe the takeaway was selfish. So what? Everyone is allowed to be a little selfish on occasion. Sounds like this was a one off. DW is perfectly capable of getting her own takeaway if she wants one.

What a fuss. I would be delighted and very grateful if my OH was cooking dinner every evening, IF it was something I felt like eating. Do you fork out for all the food all week or were you simply paying for the takeaway.
If the latter, your DW could have done her own thing and phoned Just Eat or Deliveroo if they operate in your area. Se could also have rung your local pub or fish n chip shop, placed her order, paid and collected at the appointed time.
Adults as well as children can be exhausted and hungry at the end of the week but what a daft thing to say. You:d think that children were worked to death and hungrier on a Friday than at any other time, which may be the same for some but certainly not most children/ young people.
The parents seen to live two different lives. The OP does a FT job too and to come home every night and start to cook dinner is tiring. His DW doesn't know when she's well off
How about EACH of them putting in their own takeaway order one evening a week, say Friday, when the children are starving and exhausted (according to one comment)
Then have children help prep other meals or help do some batch cooking for the freezer which takes some of the strain off the OP who, I'm perfectly sure, doesn't look forward to cooking dinner with unalloyed delight every evening.

We have DIY Friday, too. I cook 6 out of 7 nights, so this is my night off.
However, there's no way I'd go for takeaway without offering to pick up something for my husband.

Can only think she meant the takeaway was selfish. There, YABU but only for not asking if anyone else wanted to join in rather than cook. Everyone making their own dinner once a week is not, YANBU, and it is a great idea. I would ask her what exactly she felt was selfish.

Rude to "sneak out" and get a takeaway without asking if your partner wanted anything.

Was it "healthy" - few takeaways are - yet you get to stipulate everyone else's food is?

Why not get everyone involved once a week in preparing a complicated meal. Teach taste combinations/ use of herbs and spices. Nutrition. You be the head chef and everyone else does something. It would teach the kids a good lesson as otherwise I can see them just plonking pre cooked stuff in the oven on a Friday. That just becomes divisive. Maybe after a couple of months one of them becomes confident enough to cook for everyone after a brief chat about what they are going to make. If you are lucky, one of them may develop a love of cooking and 'want' to cook sometimes. Jamie Oliver is a great enthusiaser in my opinion. Fairly easy meals and tasty. Take them shopping on a saturday early morning and spend most time in fruit and veg isles and world foods/ spices/ avoid ready meals. Treat them for this with fruit or maybe different to usual cheeses rather than sweets. Get them to choose some food you have never tried once a week on these shops. You may learn something too so it's win win. You may make memories that take them through life.

Crikey I think your wife is being a bit dramatic. Surely she could have made herself a sandwich etc.

It sounds to me like you’ve taught your children great life skills in being able to cook, independence, teamwork. The diy dinner night sounds fine to me! Actually, it gives your children another chance to improve their cooking skills as they have to plan a dinner in advance to add food to the shopping list, plan with the family who will need the kitchen at what times and also to plan dinners that don’t take a whole evening to cook but rather maybe an hour each.

Very odd behaviour towards your wife.

I get the two children making their own, great.

But then surely you and your wife would sort something together, if you want a night Off ( more than reasonable) And she really can’t cook something you would enjoy, then a takeaway together, or a selection of M&S nibbles together?

Sneaking off fir a takeaway for one is just plain mean, why on earth didn’t you ask her if she wanted one.

It sounds like you were trying to make a point but this is nit a nice way to do it. Does she do other things in place of cooking, ie) cleaning, washing? If you think the chores are balanced then discuss this, if you really need a break from cooking then discuss this. Don’t just be mean.

YANBU no one should be cooking every night, I would be aggrieved at cooking every night. Who doesn’t want a night off? It’s also good for your children to start cooking for themselves. Your DW comes across as bratty and entitled lm afraid

DIY fine, although you'd actually get a night off if you organised it that the children cooked together a whole family meal for everyone so that would make more sense to me.
The takeaway for 1 was mean and selfish on the rest of the family.

I love the idea of DIY Fridays. But the rules have to be the same for everyone. Unless it was made clear that take away was allowed then it's a bit unfair.

I think if this was the wife posting this thread about how she cooks every night and needed a night of so suggested kids do what they want to eat which is great as they can cook, then the husband sulks because they don't want to make themselves something and said they're not hungry so the wife having had a long week knee kids had eaten hubby wasn't wanti g food so wife got a takeaway i bet all these comments would support her. But its the husband posting this and everyone is talking about things that he hasn't even done. FFS people he wanted one night off the kids got the DIY dinner being teenagers but the wide didn't? That's rubbish she was passed off that for one night she needed to feed her self and didn't like it so lied about not getting the idea. She also said she wasn't hungry and wife and husband have their own money so why she he waste his on a takeaway for her if she didn't want one! As I said turn this round to the wife lostting the story and you'd all be on her side. Also those saying about other chores it says they're fairly shared round all of them as both husband and wife work full time.
@TomPinch you did nothing wrong you bloody deserved a night of 2 teenagers were happy with it all Wife sulked saying not hungry so you had a takeaway no problem with that in my book. If she felt hungry later that night these days you order food online app or phone and pay then so she could've got her own food that way.
Stick to your DIY food night kids enjoy it you get a break and your wife now knows exactly what it means for next week.
Hope you enjoyed your takeaway.

@Astrid09 Yes!

i bet all these comments would support her.

Nope. Husband or wife, it's not OK to order yourself a takeaway and not ask others if they want something. Op knew it too or wouldn't have waited until the 'coast was clear.

I think if this was the wife posting this thread about how she cooks every night and needed a night of so suggested kids do what they want to eat which is great as they can cook, then the husband sulks because they don't want to make themselves something and said they're not hungry so the wife having had a long week knee kids had eaten hubby wasn't wanti g food so wife got a takeaway i bet all these comments would support her.

Absolutely @Astrid09

Of course they would.

It sometimes feels like when men post on here they are wrong whay ever they say.

I honestly cannot imagine any mother I know, sneaking out for takeaway like OP did, not offering that as an option for anyone else, then declaring her 'conscience clear' on the matter.

Declaring it a 'night off from cooking' and let's all have takeway, or let's all do what we can with leftovers, or DCs' turn to cook, yes.

Also, let's remind ourselves while OP does the cooking, his wife pulls her weight doestically. This is not a case of someone who carries 80%+ of the practical and mental domestic load feeling taken for granted and desperate for just one night off and a little treat. Whereas, in most supposedly similar examples on here written by a woman, that is the case.

What I find interesting about this:

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

...is that somehow, OP's treating himself, means treating himself to the exclusion of anyone else almost as if that selfishness is a part of the treat for him.

I just don't know mothers who think like that.

@lottiegarbanzo you’ve just seen a mother upthread admitting this very thing.

There's a very strong overtone that his wife and family should feel grateful for all his wonderful cooking for them (amplified by quite a few posters). Rather than that he's just doing his bit to keep the household running smoothly.

Again, I don't know mothers who think that way. That their domestic contribution is optional and should be received with gratitude.

Exactly @lottiegarbanzo

The expectation to be heralded as some sort of modern day hero roles off the OP on waves.