DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

That’s fucked up

I still think the DW was holding out for DH to give in and make/ fetch her some food as usual and that's why she was so narked when he got himself a takeaway. It does seem a bit unkind but:

1. OP might have needed to make a point about the DIY dinner. If my husband had said he wasn't hungry and didn't want any dinner but then got annoyed because I assuaged my own appetite in a way I saw fit I wouldn't be at all sympathetic. DW is just as capable of ordering a takeaway (and offering) but didn't.
2. OP was knackered, decided exactly what sort of takeaway he wanted, did just that. If he'd offered maybe DW would say "oh no, I'd prefer Chinese/pizza/ whatever or want to look up the menu/ discuss/ share some dishes and it all gets faffy and his nice simple desire is foiled. OP just wanted to do what he'd decided.
3. I think cooking for everyone every night is a huge chore and involves planning, shopping, chopping, cooking, plating, clearing. Even when you're tired, poorly, not hungry yourself. It doesn't compare with other chores like laundry which are less intense and can be put off a day or two, because everyone needs to eat, every day. OP needs at least one night when he doesn't have to think about sorting anyones food but his own. I like cooking but I'd start to really HATE it I'd I did it every day.

If the genders were reversed this post might be less harsh on the OP. How about ... I cook for my husband and kids every day even though I work full time. I usually enjoy it and I'm quite good but every single night is knackering. I just wanted one night a week when I dont have to cook for everyone and just have what I want. Kids were fine with this but husband just sat there with a face on when he realised this meant no one was cooking for him. He claimed to be not hungry and didn't want anything, probably because he thought I'd give in. Now he's in a huff because I took him at his word and went out and got some food for myself. AIBU? Cue lots of "you go girl" type responses.

Haviana, I am not, no. Obviously. As to do so would be completely absurd.

I am making a point about people's tendency towards internal self-justificatory mental gymnastics, which make no sense when voiced out loud.

I am simply using a famous example. Because were I say 'like Dave always does, you know?' you wouldn't know, because you don't know my friend Dave.

Why does anyone need to cook? One day of eating cold food (eg a sandwich) is normal. Many working couples don’t cook at all during the week, kids get hot meals at school!

Getting a takeaway for yourself and not sharing it is mean. Just have a tin of soup or a sandwich if it’s DIY meals.

@lottiegarbanzo

Haviana, I am not, no. Obviously. As to do so would be completely absurd.

I am making a point about people's tendency towards internal self-justificatory mental gymnastics, which make no sense when voiced out loud.

I am simply using a famous example. Because were I say 'like Dave always does, you know?' you wouldn't know, because you don't know my friend Dave.

I think you chose a horrible example. The Prince Andrew quote is hardly that famous or historical, you really didn’t need to go there.

@TomPinch. What takeaway did you get?

I cook for the DC all the time and resent it. DH often has freezer food as he’s super picky. Overall, I also do way more than my fair share of the domestic work.

I would, and occasionally have, sneak out on occasion for takeaway for me alone! And choose something the DC dislike as almost never get to choose.

I don’t resent planning/shopping/ cooking for the DC, that’s not right, I resent that DH doesn’t do his fair share of it.

Sounds like a huge drama that could have been avoided with simple communication. You say your DW didn't realise that she was supposed to be cooking her own dinner. So you should have explained it properly. At that point, if she had said she was too tired to cook, you could have said "well I was planning on grabbing a take away at X, do yuoi want something?".

If the problem is that she never cooks then say that to her. Ask her to cook one night a week to give you a break.

What a huge drama over absolutely nothing. Just talk to each other.

Why couldn't the whole family enjoy curry?
Are the kids not as tired as dogs after a full week at school? Is your wife not tired?

I cannot fathom how you can say, hey this is a great idea! Watch one of your kids eat a bottle of pasta, an egg and salad and go, right off to get myself a takeaway!
Honestly its beyond self centred.

kitchen chaos comments are duly noted, but the truth is that that worked really well, kitchen wasn't in chaos, and hopefully it will continue.

Because only two people cooked.

Even if you were each doing a quick-ish meal, say taking half an hour, you’re either going to get under each others’ feet, or dinner prep will take two hours

You’ll do your kids far more of a favour if you allow them to practice cooking for 4 people. It really isn’t that more difficult than cooking for one. Frying 4 eggs instead of 1? Making enough pizza for 4? Not difficult.

@lottiegarbanzo

Oh come on, there's hungry and hungry. Have to make myself something? No, not that hungry. You're offering me some takeaway? Ooh, well, I've found my appetite.

Nobody is every really 'hungry' for puddings. They still manage to find space when offered.

Yup

But not all kids like takeaways.

Not all kids want what their parents eat

Sometimes we have one meal and ds gets pizza, i mean sure some kids will have a tantrum if they miss out on their parents thai green curry but not our child

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

Yanbu and you shouldnt be doing all the cooking either. She needs to stop being so lazy and step up at least once a week. Even if it's just sticking a stew in the slow cooker before she goes to work.

OP has already said the chores are fairly shared, and that he would rather eat his own cookong than his wife's.

I think it is fine for you to not cook on friday. Couldn't you all have a take away?
Why didnt you just ask your wife if she wanted a takeaway too? Were you making a point? You weren't taking part in the DIY friday, so why should she. Does the pre teen get the option of a takeaway? Or do they just have a fried egg and pasta on friday night while you eat yours?

Of course you're being unreasonable OP. You're a man and you're doing something your wife disagrees with. Ergo you are completely, utterly and inexorably in the wrong, on MN....

Getting a takeaway for yourself, without offering the rest of the family any, is weird

I am in a similar scenario to yours, and when older DS makes himself pizza he will offer his younger brother one too. On days where I don’t cook, everyone can DYO or I will say I’m getting a takeaway and does anyone else want anything

Ok Havaiana I agree that is true. That comment was poorly (not) thought through.

All I will say about it is that, (as an observation that pleases me in a tangential way, not in attempted mitigation), is that by using an example that made sense in my head in that moment, without thinking through how it would sound to others... to make a comment about someone voicing a self-justification that made sense in their head at the time but not when spoken out loud to others... my comment did, if distastefully, illustrate my point in metaphoric form.

@boldprintsanono

Of course you're being unreasonable OP. You're a man and you're doing something your wife disagrees with. Ergo you are completely, utterly and inexorably in the wrong, on MN....

How do you know OP isn’t a woman? Very sexist of you to assume it’s a man just because they can’t create a food schedule without a fuss.

Women can marry other women now, you know.

Clearly OP just wanted to feed himself for once without worrying about everyone else.
Who can blame him. He gave fore warning maybe he wasn't clear with his communication.
I'd be fed up feeding everyone 7 days a week his DW might be a bad cook but surely a pre made pizza or an M&S prepared dinner would suffice one night out of 7.

I am a single parent and some nights are DIY (although we don't call it that) since my kids are teens and sometimes need/want to eat at different times.

Generally takeaways are a family affair but there are times when I order for one. Eg if
I'm going to be home late unexpectedly I might send an Uber Eats to ds. I think it's weird that you didn't tell your wife that you were getting a takeaway but she said she wasn't hungry so you didn't need to sneak out imo. Would your dd had the option of picking takeaway as their diy dinner?

@Rumbletumbleinmytummy

Why couldn't the whole family enjoy curry? Are the kids not as tired as dogs after a full week at school? Is your wife not tired?

I cannot fathom how you can say, hey this is a great idea! Watch one of your kids eat a bottle of pasta, an egg and salad and go, right off to get myself a takeaway!
Honestly its beyond self centred.

I actually have a fondness for a few odd combinations not dissimilar to pasta, egg and salad.

If I've had a tired and stressful day, eating my weirdo food and preparing it myself is the simplest form of comfort. My husband doesn't want it, it's an odd combination. In fact, he often gets takeaway if I have it

I can still remember the fucking nightmare of a day I had a few years ago when my awful day was topped off by a takeaway two hours late.

I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with allowing members of your family some individual self care - especially as in OP's case he specifically wanted a break from not only cooking but the mental load of it. I think quite a few posters on here are projecting, and if the genders were reversed, they'd be cheering OP on for not pandering to a bit of sulking.

(I'm not saying that OP is perfect, but this seems like a minor tiff between a couple that some are making an awful lot of.)

@lottiegarbanzo ok, I see that and accept you weren’t comparing OP to a rapist.

I haven't RTFT

If this was a woman saying this, she'd be getting virtual back-slaps and cheers of "too right, let the lazy arse fend for himself for a change"

So the OP cooks every night and fancies a takeaway one night. After DW says she not hungry. So fucking what? he cooks every other night - she doesn't bloody cook

YADNBU.

@Pumperthepumper

How do you know OP isn’t a woman? Very sexist of you to assume it’s a man just because they can’t create a food schedule without a fuss.

Women can marry other women now, you know.

To be fair, OP has had ample opportunity to clarify if he is male or female, and as many have referred to him as he and he hasn’t corrected it, I don’t think you can blame people for assuming he’s male.