DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

'DW' doesn't want to make the effort even to order the takeaway - she wants OP to sort all that out too.....so he isn't exactly 'getting a night off'.

DW is just plain lazy and selfish - OP works and is tired in the evenings too yet has been doing 100% of the cooking.

"Everyone sorting themselves out seems odd,"

Really? Lots of families eat like this all or most of the time because of different schedules, dietary requirements, whatever.

We had our kids cook for themselves at times in our family. We now have two grown children who are good cooks. Cooking for themselves let them experiment and figure out what is good and try things that others did not like. Sometimes we had left-overs night where we used up what was in the fridge and everyone made their own. If they made enough for more than one they often shared. It was fun.

2nd DS is 19 and now budgets, buys and cooks all his own food M-F and eats with us at weekends. He cooks some really good things. He made chicken with grilled peaches with roasted brussel sprouts and a balsamic reduction the other night.

When they were younger sometimes I would give them a small budget at the supermarket and the two of them would go find food for a meal with what they had and come back and make it for the two of them. It was a good bonding experience and helped teach budgeting. One meal they were really excited about as younger teens, I had told them that I was giving them quite a small budget this time to see if they could do it with less. They bought some frozen fish offset pieces, a giant potato, an onion and a large green cabbage and were proud to have money leftover. They gave me the money back for using kitchen staples and came home and made fish and chips and coleslaw.

OP, perhaps your wife would be more open to the idea if that was a night for take out for the two of you so she doesn't have to cook.

My exh did most of the cooking as admittedly he was better at it. Whenever I cooked he would always criticise what I had made. Spend forever in the supermarket pondering over what cheese to buy when there was plenty of other stuff to be getting on with. In the end it took the joy out of cooking for me, and I left him to it. May be your wife feels like this?

..and if they had not had practice when they were younger, I don't think they would be good cooks now. I think it is important for kids to learn to fend for themselves.

You should have offered to get everyone a takeaway, if I was your DW I'd be peed off too. Its fine wanting a night off cooking but Id make it a takeaway night or ask DW to cook on Fridays.
How are other chores split?

I get you OP. I find it a strange luxury to cook for me and only me, and to order takeaway for just me, even if my husband is in the house.

In fact, he's got a bit annoyed at me on occasions where he's going for a night out, and thinks he can mooch on the takeaway I've planned to order after he leaves.

I don't think family life obligates you to include everyone in everything, and it's liberating to have little moments of solitude and independence too. Even if that is just picking all your takeaway sides without consultation or sharing! You gave warning, so that's fine.

She sounds lazy.

Your DW is being a bit of an entitled knob. They just wants someone to cook them dinner.

My guess would be that if you took it in turns to provide for each other there'd be a take away on their Friday.

If your kids are old enough to make their own food then there's literally zero reason your DW can't. Anyone can manage on cereal or toast one night a week at the very least!

YANBU

Seems like your wife has got used to everyone else cooking for her and she is pissed off she has to do some work for herself.

I cook 99% of the time and sometimes if is lovely to just not have to think about it. DS1 will always cook if I ask him to but he is back at uni soon and I usually ask dh to cook only a few times a year but he will be doing more after Christmas.

Taking the kids out of the equation, it's really weird to order a takeaway and not ask your wife if she wants anything.

If my dh said its diy dinner I would assume me and him would be working together not individually. Why would two adults cook/order seperatly. It's no more effort to cook/order for one than it is for two.

Tbh what you did seems like you were trying to punish your wife.

Idea of DIY dinner at home is fine. If you are getting a takeaway so no cooking involved I don't see why you didn't ask your wife if she wanted one? Would you have been as happy with the arrangement if she'd had secretively got her own takeaway without asking if you wanted something picking up too?

Also agree that if your children are old enough to cook rota in the odd night where theycook for everyone. Your wife should take a turn too.

This isn't selfish, you do your part and your reasons for the DIY night are good. You've explained it all (perhaps do so again) and you have every right to a night off.

Years ago when I met my husband, their family did this. The mother cooked everything for a large family but she had one night off, it was called "help yourself" but everyone got their own. No-one complained, it was an accepted feature of the week.

Stick with it, it's OK.

We do this in a Friday, I do all of the cooking and I like having one day where I don’t have to cook a proper dinner for everyone.

My son is 5 so can’t exactly cook for himself, but we go to the fridge and cupboard and he picks the things he wants, its picnic style and hes allowed to eat it on the sofa/floor rather than at the table.

If I want to order a takeaway I will, if my boyfriend wants one he’ll order himself one, being an adult he is more than capable of that (apart from the time he had it delivered to his old flat...).

Tonight I’m ordering in food, I’ve been craving mexican food all day so I can’t wait for 7:30 to come round.

Has everyone missed the bit where she said she wasn't hungry?

Yanbu Op. I cook all the time as a single parent. Sometimes if I want something nice for myself, I do it and if the kids want it, tough! I'm allowed to be a bit selfish occasionally! Hope you enjoyed your takeaway

DW sounds lazy. Arrange to be out after work some evenings, start going to the gym or something. Let DW feed the kids.

Nope. But I make them lots of treat things at their request so my conscience is entirely clear on that one.

If one of the kids had said "Ooh! Great! Can you order a Domino's pizza for me please!" would you have been okay with that? Would that have counted as a DIY dinner? You know - the way your takeaway did?

4 people in the kitchen cooking 4 different meals sounds like chaos and not relaxing for anyone. If you want a break, treat everyone to a takeaway or another member of the family can cook for everyone, even if it’s just a simple pasta dish.

@ElevenSmiles

It's Friday hope the DW gets takeaway for herself and kids, OP can DIY.

I expect OP would be fine with that tbh. Not having to cook for DW or the DC and clearly capable of ordering their own takeaway without DW's help.

Enabling the children to cook for themselves is totally understandable and justifiable. I think it's weird that you, the one who suggested it because he wants to "cook himself something without having to consider the rest of the family occasionally" had a while ago and couldn't decide what you wanted to cook and I do think it's just plain odd that once you'd decided to get takeaway and you knew your wife hadn't eaten, that your wouldn't just say to her "hey, I'm going to get indian, want anything?" You would still get to have exactly the meal you wanted, and offering when you're going to a place like that is common courtesy.

I can't help hearing about OP's 'clear conscience' about the takeaway in a similar tone to Prince Andrew's assertion that he was in the clear because he's naturally 'honourable'. That is, it made perfect sense inside his own head, framed according to his own priorities and preferences but, when spoken out loud... it makes no sense whatsoever.

I'm sure you'll work it out OP, when you work out what your objective really is, talk it through - and listen to your family members' responses.

DIY dinner is a bit weird; cooking (the same meal) for four people isn't really any more work than just yourself so it would make more sense let everyone know what you're cooking (or ordering!) and anyone who doesn't want that can just sort themselves out something . Even if the kids enjoy cooking for themselves and want to do it every Friday it is bizarre that you wouldn't say to your wife I'm cooking/ordering/whatever xyz, would you like some?
Getting a takeaway without offering anyone else is really odd and quite rude.
It may not have been your intention but it does, unfortunately, seem like you were trying to make some sort of point (but not sure what).

Unmarked...Yes I'm sure that would suit the OP we already know what a tight arse he is.

@lottiegarbanzo

I can't help hearing about OP's 'clear conscience' about the takeaway in a similar tone to Prince Andrew's assertion that he was in the clear because he's naturally 'honourable'. That is, it made perfect sense inside his own head, framed according to his own priorities and preferences but, when spoken out loud... it makes no sense whatsoever.

I'm sure you'll work it out OP, when you work out what your objective really is, talk it through - and listen to your family members' responses.

Seriously, you’re comparing OP not cooking on the 7th day in a row and treating himself to a well deserved takeaway with Prince Andrew having sex with a 17yo who was a minor in her own country?

That is low, you wouldn’t have made that comparison if OP was a woman.

@lottiegarbanzo

I can't help hearing about OP's 'clear conscience' about the takeaway in a similar tone to Prince Andrew's assertion that he was in the clear because he's naturally 'honourable'. That is, it made perfect sense inside his own head, framed according to his own priorities and preferences but, when spoken out loud... it makes no sense whatsoever.

I'm sure you'll work it out OP, when you work out what your objective really is, talk it through - and listen to your family members' responses.

So having one day a week off cooking is comparable to being a rapist?